Tuesday, December 6, 2016

First Snow Triggers New Appreciation for The True Purpose of Winter

The snow covered tree outside my front window

Fall is my favorite season from start to finish. This season gives way every year to Winter and its  final days have always given me pause to reflect on the upcoming process that winter brings. Snow falls and brings about a natural slowing down of every thing.  Winter is a time for hibernation and the almost "death" of all growth.

This December as the first snow fell upon us, my personal life as I have known it for the last 16 years completely "died". After more than a year of knowing my marriage was over and the final decision to make it official, the day of the first snow in 2016 marked the first full week of our new normal of not living as a foursome. We are working daily on the new family dynamics. Holiday traditions as we've known them have to be reimagined and executed all once.

If I am honest, it is way harder than I ever imagined. This time of year is a constant reminder of our life as we've known it and the excruciating process of what we know and love hibernating. Shutting down.


Winter is a chance for everything to stop and just be. And that's exactly what we need right now.

As I hit the final month of this year of recalibrating my life - my womanhood, my motherhood, the relationship with my former life partner and how I operate as an entrepreneur in my new normal - I have a full appreciation for what Winter really is.

It is not death for the trees, flowers or grass beneath the snow cover.  It is the full stop of activity among them. They are quiet. Still. And undisturbed for a season.

That is how I move into this Winter. Ready for the quiet, still, undisturbed time to reflect on all the changes in our lives at this time. Rested from a respite island vacation. Replenished by time with my kids and my thoughts. Knowing full well what awaits me at the thaw.

New life.
New ideas.
New energy.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The Panacea To A Drought Season or Your New Normal

For more than two years, I have spoken about the "tough season" my family and have have faced. Many times I've referenced it as a desert, a drought and most certainly a "temporary" moment in time for us. As this "season" has given way to a new normal that is quite different to my old life, I have  come to terms with how I face life today.

First, I have a posture of surrender. I surrender myself to circumstances beyond my own control. Now surrender in this case is letting go of control as well as not allowing the circumstance to impact my core.

Single motherhood. Not my favorite term and certainly not a term I ever wanted associated with me. Took extraordinary lengths to never be a single mom prior to my marriage yet here I am at 45 recalibrating my life as a single mom. Surrender in this case meant letting go of my own deep rooted beliefs about single motherhood. This exercise also challenged me to rethink my womanhood and what it meant to be a woman. It helped me think beyond what I was conditioned to think about motherhood, womanhood and marriage -  and I had to surrender all those thoughts given my new information and it has been liberating. Surrendering those thoughts and actions based on those thoughts made way for the second way I've come to face my new normal - a posture of gratitude.

Now, I've always been a somewhat positive and thankful person. You could always count on me to send you written thank you notes and that's a trait I passed to my children. I started an Awesome Jar a few years back to literally track all the good things that happen to me each year so I can take time on New Year's Eve to be grateful for them. Being grateful has always been in my DNA but I see now how it's even further and deeper ingrained in my daily life.

Because of the sheer amount and length of painful experiences we've had in the last few years, little things I took for granted before are sources of joy for me.

A phone call from a long lost friend.
Cocktails with a new friend.
A text from a virtual friend.
A hug from a growing boy.
Snuggle time in the bean bag chair with young lady.
Over 200 birthday wishes on Facebook.
A full day without tears over anything lost.
A compliment from client.
An incremental project.
An idea for my blog.

This list could go on and on and on. I actively seek things to be grateful for these days. I can be grateful for the big things like an amazing birthday month that included a 5 day vacation in Jamaica with my kids and equally thankful for a 2 hour conversation with a new friend. My heart has grown bigger and my woes smaller.

Next time you find yourself struggling in a tough season or resisting your new normal - take time to surrender and be grateful. Rinse and repeat.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Sloppy Towels = My New Sanity

Towels folded by others. Perfectly.

With a huge sigh of relief, I made it through September 2016. Four weeks, 12 flights, 2 road trips and about 8 nights in my own bed total. I do it to myself every year so it is not really a surprise and in the midst of it, it always hurts but on the other side, it always feels good.

The productivity.

The contacts.

The projects

Nothing matches the energy boost to my business as September of every year.

Now this year is different because it's the first time I'm winging solo as a single mom. The previous 4.5 years I could count on my husband to keep everything running smoothly at home during my chaotic time on the road. I say 1/2 because last year, I had an indication the marriage was over and his untreated clinical depression had rendered him less than capable during last year's annual September run. It did not end well and I knew I'd be in for it come 2016.

I planned better and overall it went well.  Yet there were aspects that still did not go as smoothly as I'd have liked. And thanks to the towels you see at the top of the page, I am ok with that.

Those folded towels changed my life in early September.

When I've been used to partnership and two adults carrying the load financially, physically,  mentally and emotionally for close to 14 years and I have to deal with it slowly peeling away; it is hard. It is exhausting. It is sad. But it is also frustrating. My instinct is to resist.

And in the midst of all the changes in life, you want some things to stay the same. Like the towels.

OH - but there is where I found life. Letting go of what was and accepting what is. Empowering others to chip in and accept that help without judgement.  Those "folded" towels and my ability to put them away without refolding them marked a new era in my life.

Not so long ago, I would have refolded them without a word and put them away. But not only would that have been bad for me but the message to the folks who folded them would have been that their contribution was good, but not good enough. It was physically painful to put them away as is and I laughed and giggled all the way to the pantry.

Since then, the dust in the corner doesn't bother me as much. The unpacked boxes from our May move don't nag at me at all. When I'm a few minutes late to pick up a kid, I don't sweat it. Eating Pizza Hut twice in one week elicits a shrug. Quilted Northern on sale versus Charmin Ultra Soft - nah - that's where I draw the line but you get the point.

We have entered the era  of "good enough." And my sanity is thankful.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

3 Things A Tough Person Does To Make It In Tough Times

For exactly two years, I have been saying those very words to myself.

Two years.

733 days to be exact.

But you know what has propelled me forward during this still very tough tough season?


While inspirational words and memes are very good to soothe you in a moment, action is the only real anecdote for tough times. Here are three actions I've taken that have helped me in my seemingly never ending "tough season."


I have stopped resisting all the turmoil. Early in this season, I'd fight fiercely to move forward and "be done" with all that is going on around me. Ironically, personally speaking it's not let up one bit. My avoidance and fighting has not changed any circumstance or outcome. And while I'd love to tell you I believe my season is due for a change, I don't. I have accepted that this season could very well be my new normal and that I need to get some better coping mechanisms in place.  I have also accepted that looking for "relief" from the onslaught of difficulty was not helping.  Breathing and learning to face what was and continues to happen to me and around me has helped me tremendously. The energy I use to use to fight or resist has been redirected to my work and my relationships. My first reaction to difficulty now is to sit and marinate in it. Allow myself to feel it. And whatever comes next, roll with it. Meaning if I need to cry and check out of life for an hour - so be it. If I have to take a walk and call my BFF to vent. So be it. If I fill 10 journal pages processing it out of my mind so I can get back to work. On it. But resisting or fighting is no longer an option.

Manage Energy

Time has started to blur for me. In the past I would take pride on my time management skills and how efficient I believed myself to be with my time.  With the onslaught of complexity in my life and one difficulty after another, I realized that it was not my time that needed managing, it was my energy. Really getting judicious around what, how and who I spent energy on would prove to be one of the biggest actions to help me during my tough time. Work tasks have become more organized and intentional. Personal interactions have really focused on people who lift me and feed my soul. I have not been the friend I used to be in this season because I have very little margin. Replenishment activities have been come very important.  My energy now is almost this imaginary tank next to me and I can look at it and see when it's running low. Yoga and Pilates fuel me. Radical self care trips out of town fuel me. Self care rituals locally fuel me. I now actively seek out conversations that raise my energy and refill the tank before it empties. I also allow others to help me. 

Enlist Help

I struggle asking for help. It is has never been a strong suit of mine and this prolonged tough season is the thing that finally broke me. This is a new thing for me in the last 30 days. The 703 days of this tough season found me pushing through exhausted, irritable and feeling alone even with people literally begging me to help.

What can I do?

Most days, I dread that question. I don't need anyone to help me. I'm an oldest child. I run my own business. I help people run their businesses. Stopping to think about how people could help me was literally freezing me up; rendering me immobile. Local friends asked. Friends from across the country asked. Most often I brushed folks off with - "you can pray, thanks." But then I realized how lazy that was of me. I am separating and moving forward as a single mom after 16 years in a couple. There is a SHIT ton of stuff people can do. I just needed to get out of my head and stop the jerk reactions. As the new month started, I vowed not to answer right away - because I'd found that every time someone asked me to help, within a day or two afterwards something did come up that I could use extra hands or brain power around. The pause.

Instead of my usual retort - I thanked people and said, "there is nothing now but I will keep you in mind if something comes up." Not only did "something come up", I also started to notice things I just did unconsciously that others could help me with. So I got help moving a couch. Picking peaches. Making meals. Rides for my kids.  Many people offer and are willing to help. Most often it's us that stand in the way.

I have come to believe that my "tough season" is no longer a "tough season" but my new normal. And I know the action I am taking is equipping to be successful in this new era of my life.  

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

A Quadrennial Reminder of My Own Quest For Excellence

With just 5 days left of competitions for the 2016 Rio Olympic Games, I am already dreading the the end of the Summer Games. I love the Olympics. Ever since I can remember, I have loved the games. I remember vividly watching over the years and this year marks the 20th anniversary of my special accomplishment of working at the 1996 Centennial Olympic Games in Atlanta. This year also reminded me of something I'm not so sure I'd recognized before... my absolute love of excellence on display.

I was a tomboy jock girl for as long as I can remember. I loved all sports and all things about sports - playing, watching, coaching. I was a competitive tennis player from age 10 - college. I played other intramural sports at two universities. I've coached a sport I love and know well but could not play very well. I've coached other sports because there was a need. I started my career in sports marketing before it was a "thing" and major college track in the early 90s. I watch sports from around the world and have for many years now. I am a sports fanatic and I partially blame that on losing my mom and female influence early in life and growing up in a sports town like Chicago.

It make sense that a woman like me would love the Olympics. And I never questioned or thought much of my love of the Olympics as it just seemed natural for someone who loved sports as I do.

Until now.

This year, as I am recalibrating my life and examining EVERYTHING I ever thought about myself - I came to a new and exciting discovery. It is not only sports that attracted me to the Olympic Games all these years. It is the quest for excellence.

Mark Spitz
Serena Williams
Mary Lou Retton
Greg Louganis
Dominique Dawes
Michael Johnson
Usain Bolt
Marion Jones
Bruce Jenner
Carl Lewis
Nadia Comenci
Michael Phelps
Simone Biles
Simone Manuel

Those names ring in my ears long after I've been exposed to their excellence because seeing them on the world stage is a reminder of what happens when you excel at your craft. When all the years of practice come down to that moment in time when you exceed even your own expectations - it is glorious. It is inspirational. It's also been my main attraction to the games even beyond my love of sports.  

From a very young age, I have had an insatiable thirst for excellence and the Olympics was one of my quadrennial and tangible reminders of that. Of course, we get to view excellence in many ways, shapes and forms but not quite in the same way as the Olympics. Literally, the whole world stops to celebrate the individual and collective accomplishments of these athletes and their drive for excellence in their respective crafts. And while, I never believed in my own sports abilities enough to pursue excellence there - I have pursued excellence in my work throughout my life.

And at the tender age of 44, I'm starting to see the results of that pursuit manifesting in my business and the work we are doing to change the world, one relationship at a time.

Thank you Rio 2016 for that great reminder and new found inspiration for excellence.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

All Government Is Local: Three Ways To Direct Your Political Energy After This Presidential Election

It was not missed on me during the star studded third night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention that local government was a key theme.

I have always believed and lived my favorite truth - All government is local. From my earliest days, helping a neighbor and local single mom in Chicago Heights as she ran for our school board to my first "official" campaign work on the late Cook County Board President John Stroger's first campaign as an adult - I have invested my time, talent and energy in supporting local government. In my late 30s, I ran for and won local municipal office which led to building a profitable business transforming local government agencies throughout the Midwest and soon to be West Coast.

We heard from at least three different people the importance of local government.

Tim Kaine who started as a city councilman in Richmond, VA.

Sharon Belkofer a local school board member in part due to the encouragement of our President.

President Barack Obama urged us to vote, not just for president but for mayors, judges and other local offices.

Our current Democratic VP pick. The mourning mother of an American veteran. My favorite President.

Every four years, I see folks get energized and involved and I would urge you to find a home for that energy come November.

Want a third party movement? Look no further than what has happened the last 8 years with the Tea Party. Their power has not prevailed on a national stage but one city council, school board and state representative seat at a time. I've watched them progressively take over school and park boards across the midwest which has led to them gaining governors mansions in the last two years. It did not happen overnight. It did not happen on a grand stage. It happened in the elections no one pays attention to.

And guess what? You are way more affected by who runs your cities and counties than you EVER will be affected by who sits in the White House.

I will pick up the baton where Tim, Sharon and the POTUS left off the other night. I urge you to join me in transforming local government. There are three practical things you can do before the next presidential cycle to impact local government.


Vote in November. Educate yourself and vote next Spring. Typically, the local elections right after the presidential election year have the lowest turnout. Start in November, learn about your local races. Get to know your current local officials and the people who want your vote at the next cycle. Between this presidential race and the next one in 2020, there will be races each Spring and each November electing local, county and state offices and judicial seats .  Start now getting yourself educated so you can vote.


Volunteer in a campaign. The national campaigns typically are more organized than local campaigns and are excellent conduits for connection to local races in the future. Volunteer for a commission. Do you care are about parks and recreation? Join a local parks committee. Do you care about the environment? Volunteer for a county commission. Education? A school board commission or committee. My guess is any interests you may have, there is a local government committee or commission you can lend your talent to.  Introduce yourself to the local officials and make yourself available. Many times when vacancies occur - there are never enough qualified applicants for official to appoint. Volunteer your time and talent to make your community better.


This a big ask and certainly worth its own post. But I'd be remiss if I did not take a moment to encourage you to put your talents to work in your local community. You'd be surprised at who's running your local government agencies. Take time to learn about the issues your town or city or school board is facing. Take stock of your talents and what you can do to add value to the team that is already there. When I ran for local office the first time in 2009, I specifically ran because had two things to offer our board  - strategic thinking and diversity. Our almost 60 year old village had 5 males and one female running its board. The combined average age at that time was close to 60 and there were no people of color.  Winning that seat and bringing the average age down almost 9 years and adding the richness of being a young family with less than 10 years living in the village was a breath of fresh air. Combined with my over 19 years in corporate marketing and strategy - I was a rock star within 18 months.  Local government agencies need new perspective. And they need people willing to contribute their talents versus running because they are mad about an issue.

Since my time as an elected, I have eagerly served on state commissions for the last two Illinois governors and recently accepted an appointment to the City of Evanston's parks and recreation board. This in addition to expanding my company's reach in transforming local government agencies across this state and Minnesota.  My public service led to my business. You never know where your public service will lead you.

Please do me a favor and  don't leave your energy for our democracy in the presidential voting booth this November. Take it to your local city, county or state government agency.

Trust me. They need you.

Monday, July 11, 2016

My Work, My Refuge

Who knew that my tiny company and its powerful work would actually be my respite from the world?

As the United States imploded last week under the weight of the #AltonSterling, #PhilandoCastile and #DallasTragedy, strangely, I was ok. Not that numb, I'm checking out pseudo "ok," but a calm abiding peaceful I'm ok.

As a mom of a gentle giant 11 year old Blaxican boy, how could I possibly be at peace with all that is going on at this point in history?

As a Black American woman and member of a segment of the US population who are also profiled, harassed and killed by police at a similar rates to our male counterparts albeit not as wide publicized,  what could be tempering fear in me?

My work. My day-to-day influence and impact on the very stories that plaster our headlines and bring us to our knees. My unrelenting commitment to transform local government. My objective to change the world, one relationship at a time. All this is literally saving my sanity and keeping me going.

With over 40% of my work focused on local government agencies and municipalities making up a great majority, my work gave me peace last week.  You see, I had the chance to speak to a mayor and few park district executive directors about what's going on in society and how our work to transform workplace cultures in government agencies is more relevant than ever. Police departments and other local government policing agencies are impacted by my work. With every conference and workshop presentation to local government agencies, me and my team are tackling bias, inconsistency and lack of inclusive repeatable processes that make for more inclusive workplaces that lead to more inclusive communities.

Close to 35% of my work is with nonprofit agencies and that also gives me peace. One project I'm working on currently, gives me the chance to assist students in the Oakland public schools and particularly boys of color with understanding and leveraging their strengths and talents. On August 3, I will lead two groups of scholars on the beginning of what I hope will be a life long journey of building on their strengths and formulating their stories versus the stories society may tell them about themselves. By reaching these students at this age - I was over 20 when I first discovered and was tuned into to my strengths - my work is combating the real societal bias against these students by empowering them with their truth.

Waking up Friday and jumping back on calls with my clients, not only soothed my broken heart from all the turmoil, but it gave me the satisfaction that I am contributing to a new narrative in this country both on the micro level with the scholars and on the macro level with my government agency leaders.

Even as I wade through my own personal challenges and often need respite from my own life - I am so grateful I've built a business that provides that for me personally and as a member of our hurting country.