In Like A Lion: What To Do When Life Roars Ferociously

Gorgeous lions living "outside my door" in Chicagoland

March came in like a lion and and is leaving just the same. From the extreme high of launching my second non-fiction book at the 27th Annual Forum on Workplace Inclusion to the extreme low of watching my 9 year old swell up unrecognizably in an allergic reaction that was resisting meds in the  ER over the weekend, this March has roared ferociously from start to finish. And honestly, I'm looking forward to a new month later this week.

Each week of March was full of activity, not all activity immediately "productive," the worst kind of activity for an enterprise like mine. Personal and professional ups and downs. So much so that time to post in this venue never arrived until now. I never stopped creating but my consistent creating here was horribly interrupted. What do you do when life roars as a lion directly in your face for consecutive days, weeks, months as it has for me the last seven months? These three actions kept and keep me going.

Know You Are Your Story, Not Your Circumstances

I am in a shitty season of life right now. No way around it. There are so many very good things going on for me and my family but there are also some really rough things we are working through at the same time. And it is not easy. However, I know my story. My story of triumph over tragedy. My story of character in the face of disgrace. My story of doing what's right regardless the cost. I also know my family's story and it is very similar to my personal one. We have experienced tough times before. We have seen plenty and scarcity. We know and experience joy and love. We are supportive of others and have received support. We have fun in spite of what we "see." We focus on what's important and let go of what's not. Knowing our story has helped us not focus on the circumstances we are currently facing. We are bigger than what's going on right now - good or bad. Our ability to "be" during trying times are what make us who we are - not what is happening around us.

Remember, Life Is Seasonal

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. - Ecclesiastes 3:1 NLT

When life is good, I often forget to enjoy it fully because I just keep pushing. I have made it an intention to focus and enjoy life more in the last 18 months or so and I am glad. For fully enjoying life when it is good helps bolster you when it is challenging. Savoring life's blessings big and small gives you good practice when facing rough waters. The ability to see it all as fleeting and seasonal is wonderful perspective that builds resilience. Resilience makes storms appear as the temporal challenges they really are. Keeping a seasonal outlook to life is good business.

Share Your Heartache

Perhaps the most challenging for people like me (and I imagine many others) is opening up about your pain. One human reaction to pain is resistance and another is shame. We hate being in pain and will often deny it but even worse is our tendency to hide it from those with whom we share our lives. Thankfully, the last two years have seen me sharing my pain and letting others assist me in carrying  the burden. This one action has trumped the other two because it gets me outside my own head. It allows for added perspective on my trouble and enables others to help me with solutions. Further, people want to help. We deny them the opportunity when we hold our challenges in secret. Allowing others to share your heartache breaks your heartache into smaller parts and thus makes it easier to endure.

So, while I am looking forward to a new month that will hopefully give way to a new season, I am prepared either way.

Why Relationships Mattered In Chicago's Mayor's Race

Almost one week ago, a small percentage of voters in Chicago made their wishes known. They wanted a choice to the current Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Let me start by saying, I don't have a true horse in this race as a suburban Chicagoland dweller. Yes, indirectly, my life and business are affected by the viability of the great city of Chicago but I want it clear that this commentary is coming from an outsider's view.

Relationships mattered a lot in the 2015 Chicago Mayor's race. Really, the lack of relationships mattered most.

I have followed Rahm's tenure as mayor and it has been contentious. And, my goodness, why wouldn't it have been? He followed the 22 year reign of Richard M. Daley. Chicago was and continues to be at a crossroads. The gem of the midwest, Chicago has always had an underdog feel to it. Second to other parts of the country in a host of categories yet gritty enough to claim leadership in a select few areas, Chicago has always had a "Phoenix" feel of rising from the ashes of one setback to a bigger and better place, again and again.

Rahm Emanuel swept back in town with tight business and Washington ties and connections that he promised to use to bring Chicago into a greater position to live up to its promise as the heart of the nation.  From my seat, he did lots of that. He has strengthened the city's position as a tech hub contender. He set an aggressive energy and sustainability agenda that he's been successful in executing. He increased access to STEM opportunities for the most under served students in the city.  He's opened access to free early undergrad education to any high schooler that qualifies.

So what's the problem? Why is Emanuel facing a runoff by a candidate he outspent 12 to 1?

It's not what he did, it's how he did it.

People think Rahm Emanuel is ruthless. Google his name and not one article is written without reference to the term "ruthless operative." People don't see Rahm as a leader, they seem him as an operative. I don't know if it's true but I know he could have managed his perception better had he built authentic relationships throughout the city. I can relate to Rahm on the perception of being cold and heartless. 

As a leader, I have the ability to make tough decisions and compartmentalize my emotions as well. People perceive that as being heartless. I get it. And to some degree, I do believe it's slightly true with me. The first and best nurturer in my life passed away when I was 4 years old and that fact absolutely plays into the level of compassion I am able to have and convey. But I learned early in life that no one cares that I grew up without my mom. People expect me to be sympathetic. People expect me to be empathetic. People expect me to care about them and what affects them. That was and continues to be true in any setting I operate in and want to influence. 

Therefore, I make it a point to surround myself with other leaders with bigger hearts than mine. People close to me, who advise, guide and often times, represent me and my business when I cannot. They are my team. Hand cultivated and selected to compliment the areas where I am deficient.

Where is Rahm's team? Again, it is a spectator sport,  for me, watching Chicago politics. I don't gain anything with Rahm or his challenger Jesus "Chuy" Garcia at the helm in Chicago's City Hall. As a fellow leader who is known for making tough decisions and having tough conversations, I'd be remiss not to send a message to Rahm.

Dear Mr. Mayor,

Do the work. 
Build relationships with your constituents, not just the important ones. 
Curate an advisory staff to help you navigate and relate in areas you are deficient. 
Be inclusive, gain insight and co-create solutions with the people most affected by your decisions.
And enable others to lead. 

It may be too late for this election but these truths are evergreen and can go with you where ever you wish to lead.

Signed, 

A fellow tough leader.

Limit Your Consumption and Instantly Feel Better

credit fine artist Samuel Carter

When most people talk about consumption or cutting back from it, often times they are talking about physical "stuff."  In the last 24 months, I have limited that type of consumption in my life and I am looking forward to pushing ahead with less "stuff" weighing me down. My theme for 2014 was "unencumbered" which loosely means not weighed down or burdened.

Just as the new year rolled in, I read something from a Fast Company list of the most productive people that struck me.  Founder and CEO of Chobani, Hamdi Ulukaya said this: "...as the business grows, you get more attention, and then you realize that the whole world is trying to get time from you. Which is amazing. But every time you give it to the world, you give less to what you're doing."

I read Hamdi's comments as this - the more you consume energy, attention or anything that sucks your time away from your purpose, the less time you give to your purpose. Instantly, I was challenged to be a better steward of what I consumed mentally.

That's right, content, news, articles, blogs, commentaries, op-eds,  - I had to figure out how to better consume information.

We live in a time where you could literally lose a day "catching up" on the headlines from around the world or just in your neighborhood.  You could get lost and go down a rabbit hole of the vast number of opinions of one single Oscar speech or comment: Read Patricia Arquette's acceptance speech and subsequent comments or Sean Penn's insensitive off-the-cuff remark on the Best Director winner's immigration status that have lit up the internet in the last 48 hours.

As a wife, mom, business owner and public servant, there is only so much time in a day. We are all afforded the same amount of time. Yet, I was feeling like I had less and less until I made a conscious decision to limit what I take in. My alarm started as 2014 was winding down and the barrage of shocking and sad news stories on injustice and racial tensions just became too much. Couple that with our own battle of injustice within our family, I just withdrew.

And I felt an immediate change in my disposition. My emotional fortitude was instantly boosted. For we are not designed to consume what we consume these days. All the news  - good or bad. All the opinions about that news. All the reactions to those opinions or news.  In order for me to do all I am called to do in this world, I've had to build a discipline around priorities. That is especially hard for the voracious reader in me but it had to be done.

I challenge you to join me in limiting your consumption of content. You will instantly see a change in your life when limit what you allow your mind and heart to consume.

2 Ways To Stay Unshakable While All Trembles Around You

As 2014 closed and I narrowed in on my theme for 2015, I had no idea exactly how applicable this year's theme was going to be.

#2015Unshakable

Several online dictionaries define unshakable as not easily panicked or upset and strongly felt and unable to be changed. When I think about the highs and lows, me and my family has already experienced in the last six weeks of this very young year, it's no wonder unshakable was the word that felt best to assign to this year.

Regardless the circumstances, the ability to stay focused and move toward our best good is imperative. But one must first define "best good" in order to live and thrive in shaky times. We have to be clear on what the "end game" is in order to stay on task toward it. And we must have coping strategies in place to buoy us through rough terrain.

Defining The End Game

One of my intentions for 2015 is to be an unshakable force for good in our world. That is pretty lofty but I've got it broken down into a few key areas - first, my home. I identified what I must do to be a force for good with those I do life with most closely. Second,  I laid out what I can do to be a force for good in my work. Be it current clients or potentials, I teamed with my partners and contractors to list ways Relationships can add value in 2015 in ways we had not in the past. Finally, in my extracurricular activities - I clearly sought ways to add value in my volunteer and other commitments. That examination prompted me to let go of some commitments to which I could no longer devote my best talents and/or attention. Having a clear "end game" in all areas of life has made it easier to face the ups and downs that have come my way in all areas in this young year. And while I feel tossed and turned, my resolve to remain an unshakable force for good is one of the things that keeps me going.


Build Coping Strategies For Tough Times

The biggest surprise of 2015 so far for me was just how depleted my personal coping mechanisms are for extremes. The past few years have been relatively uneventful for both my family and my business. With my business growing rapidly and finally finding a rhythm, it was getting easier to integrate Relationships Matter Now with the rest of my life.  However, as our family dynamic has changed (kids moving from kiddie to pre-teen and teen years - normal marital drift - elderly parent care pressures) during the same time period, it has become clear that we do not have adequate support systems in place to buoy us when things are rough - primarily me. We have operated in a silo with little to no external systems to help when we hit icy patches in the road. We are currently course correcting but I find it helpful to share what I think is necessary. Having several outlets for perspective gathering - groups of friends to listen and encourage. Dedicated time to unplug and recharge. Without that, our minds race and interrupt sleep and creativity when you most need them both.  Getting outside impartial help - be a coach, counselor or therapist. Sometimes you cannot just muscle through.

Each day I am realizing that being unshakable does not mean not reaching out for help or vocalizing what's shaking us. In fact, casting out fear of all kinds is part and parcel for being unshakable. Nothing casts out fear more than facing it down with the support of many around you. So when you see me tweeting anything that ends with my #2015Unshakable hashtag - remember the 2 things that enable me to stay unshakable in 2015.

Marketing Wins SuperBowlXLIX‬: Why This Year's Ads Were Among Best Ever

The "dead" boy from the Nationwide Super Bowl ad

Marketing won this Super Bowl by leaps and bounds. The murmurings over the last 16 hours have proven that my profession is on it's game.

The vast majority of commoners have complained that this was "the worst year of ads, ever."

"There were some funny ones but overall, bleh."

"Not impressed at all."

That sampling of comments was pulled directly from my personal Facebook feed last night. Yet, social media was a buzz talking about all the "bad ads." Guys, that's a win.

I was proud of my marketing brethren last night. The overall tone and vibe from this year's crop of Super Bowl ads was on the money. From Nationwide's "Make Safe Happen," to Coke's "Make It Happy" and the various brands odes to "dad," marketers were clearly taking a cue from the overall vibe on our planet today.

We need to stop being mean to one another.

We need to recognize the contributions of some unspoken, but vital players in life.

We need to have conversations on tough topics at inconvenient times.

Nothing good is every accomplished without great relations between humans.

The very cornerstone of my work and clearly, something major brands paying insane dollars to communicate with us understand.  These are not the materialistic 1980s nor the Wall Street glorifying 1990s - we are in an era of owning what's going on. Be it race relations in America or religious intolerance here and abroad, people are looking at every thing differently, more thoughtfully. And if they are not, then, they should be and big brands told the world so last night.

We own what planet we pass on to our children. If we are responsible enough to keep them alive, thanks Nationwide.

We have the choice to continue the patterns we see on the internet. Or we can be the positive images of change we want, thanks Coca-Cola.

We can make sure both parents are idolized and break the self-fulfilling prophecy that honoring one somehow diminishes the other. It's OK to love, esteem and honor dad as much as mom, thanks Toyota, Nissan and who ever I missed that made a point to showcase dad last night.

It's OK to be silly sometimes. Thanks Skittles.

Owing and pursuing your dream matters. Thanks GoDaddy and American Family Insurance for honoring dreamers and entrepreneurs.

We have an obligation to use technological advances to benefit every body. Thank you, Microsoft for the reminder.

The tone and overall vibe last night was very different than its been in recent years but it is a reflection of what's going on in the world today. Gone was the gratuitous and over the top celebrity hocking. Celebrities were used sparingly but powerfully. More every day people like you and me were part of this year's ads. We were not forced to feel like we were not pretty nor handsome enough to be part of this world party. We were challenged to not just sit and absorb messages, we were shocked into speaking about topics that we often ignore. We were jolted from the comfort of our parties and celebrations to see that we have a responsibility as citizens of this planet. We were told it's not gonna happen without us, we must participate.  I woke up proud to be part of a community that was daring enough to tell us stories we needed to hear. Kudos to brands for having the courage not to just hock products to us but to attempt to make our world a better place through powerful and expensive messages.

And thanks to the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks for an exciting game in between my favorite marketing event of every year.

The Importance of The Rival

Thor and Loki - rivals through and through

Being an entrepreneur the last few years have put me in a season where I am not constantly aware of who my rivals are.

Sure, I have insight into companies who are in the same space as me. And the longer I am in business, the more I hear about who is also doing similar work to mine.

But the dynamic of rivalry is one that I have sorely missed lately and it only took running into one of my fiercest rivals from high school to remind me.

Take a step back with me to the late 1980s in the now defunct SICA East conference in the south suburbs of Chicago - girls tennis. My first two years at Bloom High School found me mostly undefeated in conference and going down at the Sectional tournament narrowly as a freshman and sophomore as a first and second singles player. My coaches and I were sure and certain that my junior and senior years would be my glory years. When I say coaches, I mean both my school and my park district off season coaches. There was a focused team of three adults and myself working toward my tennis glory.   There was really only one girl from Homewood-Flossmoor High School standing in the way in my conference and since I was a year older than her, we felt confident that I could grow my game and even if I never beat her, I could still achieve my goals. She was my rival. All that was well and good until my senior year when her younger more powerful sister entered the conference.

Needless to say, I never won a conference title as a sister from that family (and there were 3 of them) kept me from it.  I cannot even begin to describe all that has been running through my head since I was reconnected with her in a business meeting some 26 years later. She is an amazing woman today. We both are. We ran into each other as we are both at the top of our career game - me, as an up and coming entrepreneur impacting policy to grow small business in Illinois, her as a superstar state legal counsel for Illinois.  Our laughter, hugs and reminiscing reminded me of the importance of a rival.

Rivals humble us. 

Regardless the field of expertise or the sport in question, having a rival  - especially a good one - is a humbling experience. Nothing causes you to check yourself more than a brilliant rival.  Seeing your skills and talents, in all their glory, come up short against those of a rival is great experience in perspective.  Perhaps that is why many people surround themselves with their equals or folks who are less talented to keep them "at the top" in the eyes of those not observing closely. This gross lack of humility inhibits growth. Formidable rivals force you to acknowledge your flaws. Flaws that, once acknowledged, must be dealt with in order to compete with that rival or anyone else. The ability to see, recognize and improve on flaws are critical to great leadership. Often times, it is tough to do without a rival to humble us to start the process.

Rivals drive innovation.

When there are people around you excelling in the same areas as you, you have two choices. You can chase them in that area of focus and do your best to catch up and surpass them. Or, you can get creative and find a new way to compete. Thinking back to my tennis days, I never beat one of those players, ever. And I went to college in the fall of 1989 completely soured on tennis. Instead of forcing myself to play a game that I clearly didn't love anymore, I discovered rugby and loved it. Later, I played soccer and really enjoyed that. Fast forward to my life as an entrepreneur, early in my business I did lots of different projects and could hardly distinguish my work from others in my space. In the fall of 2013, my company underwent a brand reboot and launched my brand promise, Engage, Collaborate, Lead. The very next time I bid on a project or was up against a similar small business for municipal work, the ability to articulate my methodology of work made all the difference. My company drove 300% year over year growth through the first 3 quarters of 2014. Understanding what set me apart from my rivals became the very engine of my business. Today, when I am selling against the leading provider of strategic planning services in the state of Illinois, I know precisely what levers to pull and how to further distinguish Relationships Matter Now and we are quickly catching the leader who has years more experience ahead of us in the game.

Sometimes as an entrepreneur you forget to look for rivals in the hustle of growing your business. You forget the role they play in your growth and trajectory. Take some time to look around you and be more aware of the rivals in what you do. If you allow them, they can drive you to be a better you.

Oh, and I did play tennis again for a small Christian college my final year of college when I was part of the inaugural women's team at our school after playing one 0-8 season on the men's team. It was great to be the captain leading a new program and I owe my tenacity to play with men for one season to my high school tennis rivals.

Thanks Okorafors.

Most Often You Take The High Road, Sometimes...

you stick to your critics, plainly and clearly so they don't mistake your silence for weakness. President Barack Obama had one of those moments with his critics last night in front of the world and being human and all, he did not resist. I cannot blame him. Can you imagine the disrespect this guy must endure privately when consistently he is publicly dissed in forums that had, until his election in 2008, been sacred places of respect for the country's highest public office?

I cannot. But his off the cuff brilliant response to the last night's attempted diss showed me something I've always known was true.

For highly educated, successful Blacks in this country - you are still never enough for the establishment. The diss was not merely a disagreement with his politics. Yawn. Spare me. Clearly and consistently the establishment and power players of our country have intended to undermine President Obama and the legitimacy of his ascent to the highest office.

Last night's attempted diss was merely the latest iteration of the "birthers" and their failed policy to convince the American people that Barack Obama and his presidency is a fluke.

And he rightly smacked them down with his now famous "I won both of 'em." line. People can't even get it right adding the frigging "th" to what he said. He did not say "them." He said 'em, as in "I'm goin to the sto with Stacey and 'em."  He said what he meant and the translation was clear.

Clap all you want. I won. And I won, again. It's time you get over it.

As a high achieving fellow Black American, I applaud you, President Obama.

Oh, how I've imagined you unleashing your true thoughts on the constant onslaught of clear disrespect and you've held you tongue each time. You were even cool in your clear and obvious verbal backhand. I have tried, in vain, to emulate your cool head in those moments. Sometimes, I've succeeded but most often I've failed spectacularly.  I am happy to see you are human like the rest of us.

Human.

Not sub-human as many people see Blacks since the days we were brought to this country in service of others and a continued problem we fight daily.  Nor superhuman, the other equally damaging image of Blacks in our country that was recently documented, studied and analyzed in this review of the abstract.  You see, as either sub-human or superhuman, Blacks are not deemed worthy of basic respect and human treatment in the the United States. And while we celebrated the 50th anniversary of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 last year, we have a long way to go.

Electing President Obama showed us in spades. All the progress and seemingly "post-racial" harmony of the 80s and 90s was turned on its ears when BHO was elected. It is OK to once again display your intolerance and downright fear of smart Black folks. Why do all politicians constantly refer to taking our "country back"? We all know damn well what they mean and until we have an honest conversation about our country's sorry relationship with race, we will continue to get what we get but I digress.

I am very glad to see our Harvard educated President remind everyone of who he is and what he's accomplished in a smug and confident manner.

Nothing stings your opponents more than your silent success. Or the occasional verbal smack down.

Thanks, President Obama for this one time of giving us a bit of both.