Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Be All In or Leave

This faucet is funny, who would ever choose lukewarm? I'm sure there are some

Almost two months ago, I heard TED sensation and shame researcher, Dr. Brene Brown say something that moved me so profoundly I can't shake it, to this day. As she taught rom her bestselling book, Daring Greatly, she asked us to be courageous and engage in our lives and our relationships. She spoke eloquently about the lasting and deep damage of what I will call "the drift" in relationships.

Every person reading this knows exactly what I am talking about.

The lackadaisical hug and routine kiss from a spouse with nothing behind it.

The obligatory weekly call to your parents/sisters/you-fill-in-the-blank where there is no real interest in the information exchange

The "uh-huh, uh-huh, I know what you mean" empty words you get in return as you pour out your heart to your partner.

That pal who never gets around to calling you back yet swears he misses you and "wants to hang."

Surfacy chit-chat in hallway at the school function with a friend that ends with the promise to call or "get together soon."

While it may be easier to "hang on" and fake it, people need you to be honest. This reminds me of a painful but necessary split I had back in 2001 with a person who up until that time had been a great friend to me. While it took me years to understand and heal from the blow of the "break up," I am grateful she did it. It took courage for her to tell me her truth about where our relationship had gone from her point of view. I salute her honesty, even though it stung me for years. In the end, I was better off knowing that she was over the relationship - regardless the reason or how she severed it. She gave me the opportunity to have closure and move on with my life, without her.  She gave me a gift, when she could no longer be all in, she left.

To everything there is a season, including our relationships. It is perfectly fine for a relationship to come to an end and in many cases very healthy for all parties. We all deserve people in our lives who want to be there. We need to be connected to people who want to connect with and know us.  Our dignity, peace and growth as individuals depends on these truths.

Don't drift.

Be brave.

Ask for what you need/want/desire.

Be honest when you are no longer getting it.

Let people go.

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