Why I Chose "Love" This Mother's Day

Gift to Women at Willowcreek Church for Mom's Day

In celebration of women on Mother's Day 2015 at Willowcreek Community Church, all women were gifted with a pendant on a chain that had one of the following words: Hope, Grace, Love and Courage.

Sitting with my daughter in service, we almost immediately agreed that I should choose "Hope." After all, I have been the steady rock in our family over the last 9 months during an incredibly difficult storm that is only starting to subside.

Then, I drifted off again during service, thinking I might choose "Grace." I certainly understand and walk in a huge amount of grace with God and those who live with me. Plus my understanding of God's amazing grace has allowed me to extend grace abundantly in my life over the last 8 years or so.

I never thought about choosing "Courage" as it is emblazoned across my forehead and most folks who know and interact with me would call me brave, courageous, bold and all the negative nomenclature that remotely relates to courage.  I have a bracelet that says "Fierce" and I barely wear it anymore as people really don't need the visual cue - it's pretty apparent almost instantly.

That left "Love" as my only choice. My first inclination was to resist. Love is cheesy. I love, I reasoned sarcastically internally. But really the more I thought about it, my tough character is in a season where it desperately needs love.

To love and feel loved.

It is very easy and intuitive for me to "get stuff done." I can shut out feeling anything for days on end especially when there are clear needs and things that need to be done. Courage is second nature and almost as deeply engrained in my DNA as Hope. Hope is my fuel. And as I referenced last week, even a sliver of hope can be instrumental in pushing me forward sometimes to my own detriment. On a brain and heart level, I get Grace especially the  undeserved, abundantly flowing and unrequited kind. Grace was not easy but it was innate in my personality especially since I got married and became a mom. But love eludes me.

Just writing that sentence brought burning tears and a frozen tense state of being. I love. I love my husband, my kids, my BFF and hosts of other people but I struggle to feel love and be loved from others  - all those people included.

Let me be clear, it's not about stuff or cards or gifts or even time together. For me, love is about actions, behaviors and attitudes that display what someone means to you, consistently. Key word being consistent. It's why I struggle with holidays. Why do most people need external prompts to show our appreciation? Love is year round, day in and day out. And even if I struggle to express love to those around me, I don't believe I struggle in demonstrating it. I mostly struggle to see the love of others toward me and I know it's my own lens of love blocking it. Love is a very negative trigger for me and it feels un-American and certainly unmotherly to feel this way. All moms love "love," right?

So when the Teaching Pastor closed the service reminding us to choose  our pendant wisely and remember that part of the idea behind the gift was to select something that speaks to you now, precisely in the season you're in but that you will be on the look out for it as a need in others so that you may one day "pass it on."

That's why I chose "Love". I aspire to generously and courageously love and receive love in my life from the people I do my life with.  It's scary to think that I have courage, hope and grace so firmly figured out without love.  In fact, it makes me know that when I get a better grasp on love, all those other things will manifest in an even greater form in my being.

I am excited to turn some energy to "love" and see what I can do to soften the trigger reactions to it.

A Different Spin On A Mother's Day Tale

Identical to the band I bought myself in 2000 for Mother's Day

For the last few weeks, promotions for Mother's Day have been inescapable. And while Mother's Day can be a joyous occasion for many, for others it's a mixed bag and that was me for a long time, even after I became a mother.

I had to look no further than my jewelry box to be reminded and empowered by a small act from Mother's Day 2000.

It is a thin but beautiful platinum diamond band I gifted myself leading up to that Mother's Day. I remember precisely why I did it.

I was in the mall preparing for a trip to see my sister who had recently become a mom for the 3rd time. I was buying gifts for her and her now three kids. I remember feeling somewhat sorry for myself, I was 28 1/2 with no prospects for marriage nevermind that motherhood seem like a distant dream. All my closest friends were married and three were already moms. The one bright spot that spring was the fact that I was headed to Spain to live. I'd decided at the beginning of that year that I'd save and move to Spain that fall. Perhaps my "prospect" was in land of jamon, olives and great wine.

As I walked by jewelry stores that weekday afternoon leading up to mom fest, the Mother's Day specials were staggering. I slipped into one of them and the platinum band you see above caught my eye. It was deeply discounted and literally spoke this to me...

"You may not be a mom but you certainly serve as a mother figure to many. You share your wisdom with the younger gals in the office, with the girls in the soccer programs you attend every week and any person you encounter in need. Why not celebrate that now and forever?"

With that inner monologue, I bought the ring on the spot. As the clerk cleaned and polished it, she asked if it was a gift and I replied proudly,  "Yes, it's for me, for Mother's Day." I ignored her fighting the inclination to feel sorry for me buying my own Mother's Day gift. She feigned a smile and showed me the ring upon finishing her work. I took it and slipped it on my right ring finger right away. It was the most beautiful piece of jewelry I owned to that point.

That small act was a defiant bold move toward the life I wanted. While I was not certain I wanted to be a mom, I did want the possibility. I was not shying away from that and buying myself that platinum band that day just sent my desire hurling into the universe. If you know me, you know that a few months later and 13 days before I left for Spain, I met the man would become my husband and make me a mom just one year later.

No, the moral of this tale is not about me getting my husband and starting my family. The moral of this tale is that I valued myself enough not to wallow in a feeling of inadequacy or "less than" because I was not a mom at that moment. I had plenty to celebrate Mother's Day 2000 and I did. Even now, all these years later,   I wear that platinum band to remind me to continue to make bold moves toward what I want.

So this Mother's Day, what is it you want? What are you afraid to move toward? Why not use the occasion that celebrates motherhood to birth your dream? Regardless of your mother status or if your actual mother is around, use Mother's Day 2014 to celebrate you and all the things you mother including that dream or deep desire that is waiting for you to birth it.

The Bittersweet Sting of Mother's Day

I'd love some cookies like this for Mom's Day!

Each May, the world stops to honor moms. In Spain it is the first Sunday of May while in Mexico, Mother's Day is May 10 whatever day that lands. In the US and many other countries, moms are honored the second Sunday in May.

For most people this is a joyous occasion, either as a mom themselves or honoring their own beloved moms. There is, however, a fraction of the population that has a bittersweet sting each Mother's Day. Motherless daughters like myself know what I speak of.

I hadn't really thought much about it until I was asked last week to reflect on motherhood. The 40 minute interview was really the first time anyone had asked me in depth about my feelings on motherhood.  It was enlightening.

The question that triggered the most tender response was asking me to describe motherhood in three words. One of my words was "loss". We kept talking for a minute but then the interviewer circled back to that word and asked me to describe why I used it. Never before that moment, had I truly felt the deep and profound loss that I feel related to motherhood. It was telling. I could barely speak. And while my feelings take nothing away from all the mother figures in my life over the years - it was only in that moment that I made the connection of my motherhood to that of the lack of my mom in the journey.

So for all the joy that is being a mom to my two kids, I realized the sting of motherhood for me last week. And then I thought of countless other women; others whose moms have passed away - regardless of when it happened. Women who may have "lost" their moms to abandonment. Women who have moms that they do not have a relationship with or with whom they have a very poor relationship. Women who had children but lost them. Women who long to have children but cannot for whatever reason. Mother's Day has a bittersweet sting for these women.

Please take a moment this Mother's Day to be on the lookout for hurting people who are not quite celebrating. Look for them in your life this week as you cut through the clutter to buy gifts and take moms out to eat - notice people who may need an encouraging word. Take a moment to proactively reach out to women you know that possibly fall into the categories listed in the previous paragraph.

I'm certain they will appreciate the extra love this weekend.