Stop Telling Yourself That - It's a Lie!

Do you have a good grasp of the "facts" of your life versus the "myths?"

A recurring theme has risen in my interactions over the past few months. When I've been in both personal and professional discussions, the idea of knowing your story versus your circumstance has been popping up again and again. Whether it was directly pertaining to me or the person I was speaking with, it is clear that we all need to be reminded about the facts of who we are versus the things we tell ourselves.

During this current season of my life that has been both a mixture of deep despair and triumphant joy, I have had to re-examine the facts about myself versus my own or society adopted fiction. Knowing and fully embracing my true story is what propels me during the tough times. And of course, it's during tough times that we have fight off the myths that keep us from realizing who we truly are. Here are two pieces of advice to help you distinguish lies from truths.

Spot and Name the Pattern of Good in Your Life

What is the pattern of good that keeps surfacing in your life? Can you readily name it? If not, carve time out of your day TODAY to recall good in your life over the years. Was it your support of others? Was it your network's support of you? Do you bounce rather than splat under pressure? Are you the source of great ideas in a pinch? Would someone say your words are "lifesavers?" There are so many possibilities for this. Take some time to reflect on your life. If not your whole life - how about the last 5 years? 10 years? Look for and annotate times you were proud of yourself. Think about and record specific incidents where you felt good. What was happening? Who were you with? When you can spot and name the pattern of good in your life, you can summon it when circumstances tell you otherwise. Your consistent patterns of good are your true life story, not the situation you currently face. Knowing and recalling the good serves you when what's around you is not so good. Make it a habit to know and retell the good in your life.

Know the Difference Between Circumstantial Evidence and True Evidence

Wikipedia defines  Circumstantial evidence as  evidence that relies on an inference to connect it to a conclusion of fact—like a fingerprint at the scene of a crime. By contrast, direct evidence supports the truth of an assertion directly—i.e., without need for any additional evidence or inference. Clearly, this analogy applies to criminal or civil case law but look at how this applies to the topic we are unpacking. As you reflect on your life, you may see a pattern of circumstances that have led you to believe certain lies about yourself. And in the self-fulfilling prophecy, you have adopted the lies as truth when in fact, they are only true in certain contexts.  Take time to realize what circumstances are harmful and take steps to remove them. Remove yourself from the contexts that feed your lies and immerse yourself in contexts that feed your truths. This could be situations or even people patterns but you owe it to yourself to hold on to what is actually true versus things that occur in a certain set of circumstances.

Once you've reconnected with your true story and start to repel your myths, you will see an immediate difference in the results you get as you face your circumstances. No, your circumstances won't magically be more bearable. They may even get worse. But your ability to manage through those circumstances will soar and you will feel more peace and security. When grounded in our truths, there little that can shake us.

#2015Unshakable

What Lie About Yourself Will You Debunk This Holiday Season?

Me - Circa Fall 1976. Gingham rules.

During the holiday season, passing through the houses of your family, you always get a glimpse of yourself at different points in time. One of the benefits of holidays is the nostalgia of holidays past. Another benefit is the contrasts of what we can see and hear from others versus what we have told ourselves over the years.

The pretty little lies we tell ourselves.

This year, I debunked one of the lies I'd held onto especially since becoming a parent. Ironically, it was the picture you see here that started the debunking process.

Let me frame this picture for you. This picture was taken in the fall of 1976. I was four years old about to be five and had just started kindergarten at Pensacola Christian Academy. Less than 60 days before this photo was taken , the unthinkable happened on August 19th - my young mom left this life on earth.  Now that you know that, look into the eyes of this young babe. What do you see?

I see life. Hope. Wonder. Happiness. Joy.

And that is the polar opposite of what I've told myself over the years. My short fuse and hot temper,  which has really calmed since become a parent,  had always been attributed to anger. I thought that I was angry and that it all started when I lost my mom. I believed that created characterization of myself. It comforted me after a certain rage or outburst, "it's OK, Denise. You're an angry person and you always have been," I'd say to myself, practically justifying my bad behavior. After all, I did lose my mom right before I started kindergarten. If anyone had a REASON to be angry, I did and righteously so. I even gave myself "credit" for controlling my anger well throughout the years.

Seeing that photo above in my dad's house the week after Thanksgiving gave me pause. For the first time in a long time, I stopped and looked at it. Then I proceeded to look at all the photos he had of me from the early days and there are few as we lost many of them in a storage debacle in the 90s.  Lots of laughter, loads of light-hearted moments captured time and time again. Each photo of me showing a love of life and joy. Each photo confirming the previous one, I was genuinely a happy child. And that happy child has grown up to be a genuinely happy adult.

Yes, I have an explosive temper. Yes, my fuse is short. But I am not angry. Passionate, emotive, outspoken but not angry.

Now I ask you, especially in these days of family visits and holiday festivities - what lies about yourself are you holding on to? In what ways can you revisit who you are and embrace your true characteristics versus the false ones you may have created?

I am relieved to realize that I am not angry, I get angry but I do not hold anger as a character trait. What an amazing discovery this holiday season! Can't wait to hear about yours.