Why I Chose "Love" This Mother's Day

Gift to Women at Willowcreek Church for Mom's Day

In celebration of women on Mother's Day 2015 at Willowcreek Community Church, all women were gifted with a pendant on a chain that had one of the following words: Hope, Grace, Love and Courage.

Sitting with my daughter in service, we almost immediately agreed that I should choose "Hope." After all, I have been the steady rock in our family over the last 9 months during an incredibly difficult storm that is only starting to subside.

Then, I drifted off again during service, thinking I might choose "Grace." I certainly understand and walk in a huge amount of grace with God and those who live with me. Plus my understanding of God's amazing grace has allowed me to extend grace abundantly in my life over the last 8 years or so.

I never thought about choosing "Courage" as it is emblazoned across my forehead and most folks who know and interact with me would call me brave, courageous, bold and all the negative nomenclature that remotely relates to courage.  I have a bracelet that says "Fierce" and I barely wear it anymore as people really don't need the visual cue - it's pretty apparent almost instantly.

That left "Love" as my only choice. My first inclination was to resist. Love is cheesy. I love, I reasoned sarcastically internally. But really the more I thought about it, my tough character is in a season where it desperately needs love.

To love and feel loved.

It is very easy and intuitive for me to "get stuff done." I can shut out feeling anything for days on end especially when there are clear needs and things that need to be done. Courage is second nature and almost as deeply engrained in my DNA as Hope. Hope is my fuel. And as I referenced last week, even a sliver of hope can be instrumental in pushing me forward sometimes to my own detriment. On a brain and heart level, I get Grace especially the  undeserved, abundantly flowing and unrequited kind. Grace was not easy but it was innate in my personality especially since I got married and became a mom. But love eludes me.

Just writing that sentence brought burning tears and a frozen tense state of being. I love. I love my husband, my kids, my BFF and hosts of other people but I struggle to feel love and be loved from others  - all those people included.

Let me be clear, it's not about stuff or cards or gifts or even time together. For me, love is about actions, behaviors and attitudes that display what someone means to you, consistently. Key word being consistent. It's why I struggle with holidays. Why do most people need external prompts to show our appreciation? Love is year round, day in and day out. And even if I struggle to express love to those around me, I don't believe I struggle in demonstrating it. I mostly struggle to see the love of others toward me and I know it's my own lens of love blocking it. Love is a very negative trigger for me and it feels un-American and certainly unmotherly to feel this way. All moms love "love," right?

So when the Teaching Pastor closed the service reminding us to choose  our pendant wisely and remember that part of the idea behind the gift was to select something that speaks to you now, precisely in the season you're in but that you will be on the look out for it as a need in others so that you may one day "pass it on."

That's why I chose "Love". I aspire to generously and courageously love and receive love in my life from the people I do my life with.  It's scary to think that I have courage, hope and grace so firmly figured out without love.  In fact, it makes me know that when I get a better grasp on love, all those other things will manifest in an even greater form in my being.

I am excited to turn some energy to "love" and see what I can do to soften the trigger reactions to it.

2 Ways Forward When You Feel Stuck "Trying"

Late last year, with the help of one of my coaches, I learned that I had a big problem taking and owning responsibility for stuff that was not mine to own. 9 months later, even with that awareness, I still find myself struggling to only own stuff that is mine. In my yoga practice lately, that has been my biggest "intention," let go of stuff that is not mine. This past weekend, a conversation with my 13 year old made it crystal clear why I've struggled and gave me a pathway for freedom. Her simple assessment of a situation gave me two clear paths forward for the next time I get stuck.

Recognize Your True Contribution

Often times we inflate our importance to a circumstance or situation. When we stop to look at our true placement in a particular situation, we can see that even when we are an integral part of something, we truly are only a part of it - not the whole. We can never be the whole when we are part and understanding that helps us set boundaries for what we can and cannot do. My daughter clearly articulated that seeing and understanding our place in a situation enables us to make a good call on how much energy we should invest in changing that situation.

Know When To Say When

As the consummate overachiever in all areas of life, giving up and knowing when to give up is one of my biggest blind spots. Having had the opportunity to grind out victory over victory for most of my life has skewed my judgement on "when to say when." As much as recognizing my true contribution to a circumstance is key, so is understanding when my efforts are having diminishing returns. People like me take hope from even the slightest progress and sometimes that is ok. But most often, it is not and my 13 year old clued me into that revelation. In some situations, you need big progress, not small progress. And the reality is sometimes we fool ourselves into seeing progress when there really is none and it's truly time to move on.

What an amazing burden lifted from me to learn these truths and even more rewarding to learn them from my offspring. I must be doing something right.

Stop Telling Yourself That - It's a Lie!

Do you have a good grasp of the "facts" of your life versus the "myths?"

A recurring theme has risen in my interactions over the past few months. When I've been in both personal and professional discussions, the idea of knowing your story versus your circumstance has been popping up again and again. Whether it was directly pertaining to me or the person I was speaking with, it is clear that we all need to be reminded about the facts of who we are versus the things we tell ourselves.

During this current season of my life that has been both a mixture of deep despair and triumphant joy, I have had to re-examine the facts about myself versus my own or society adopted fiction. Knowing and fully embracing my true story is what propels me during the tough times. And of course, it's during tough times that we have fight off the myths that keep us from realizing who we truly are. Here are two pieces of advice to help you distinguish lies from truths.

Spot and Name the Pattern of Good in Your Life

What is the pattern of good that keeps surfacing in your life? Can you readily name it? If not, carve time out of your day TODAY to recall good in your life over the years. Was it your support of others? Was it your network's support of you? Do you bounce rather than splat under pressure? Are you the source of great ideas in a pinch? Would someone say your words are "lifesavers?" There are so many possibilities for this. Take some time to reflect on your life. If not your whole life - how about the last 5 years? 10 years? Look for and annotate times you were proud of yourself. Think about and record specific incidents where you felt good. What was happening? Who were you with? When you can spot and name the pattern of good in your life, you can summon it when circumstances tell you otherwise. Your consistent patterns of good are your true life story, not the situation you currently face. Knowing and recalling the good serves you when what's around you is not so good. Make it a habit to know and retell the good in your life.

Know the Difference Between Circumstantial Evidence and True Evidence

Wikipedia defines  Circumstantial evidence as  evidence that relies on an inference to connect it to a conclusion of fact—like a fingerprint at the scene of a crime. By contrast, direct evidence supports the truth of an assertion directly—i.e., without need for any additional evidence or inference. Clearly, this analogy applies to criminal or civil case law but look at how this applies to the topic we are unpacking. As you reflect on your life, you may see a pattern of circumstances that have led you to believe certain lies about yourself. And in the self-fulfilling prophecy, you have adopted the lies as truth when in fact, they are only true in certain contexts.  Take time to realize what circumstances are harmful and take steps to remove them. Remove yourself from the contexts that feed your lies and immerse yourself in contexts that feed your truths. This could be situations or even people patterns but you owe it to yourself to hold on to what is actually true versus things that occur in a certain set of circumstances.

Once you've reconnected with your true story and start to repel your myths, you will see an immediate difference in the results you get as you face your circumstances. No, your circumstances won't magically be more bearable. They may even get worse. But your ability to manage through those circumstances will soar and you will feel more peace and security. When grounded in our truths, there little that can shake us.

#2015Unshakable

Chance Meeting, Lifetime Impact: Tribute to Dr. Levi Watkins

Have you ever had the experience of meeting someone that seemed so normal and routine at the time only to realize it had a profound impact on your life later?

That was me this past Saturday as I leisurely scrolled through my Facebook feed to learn that someone really special was no longer walking among us. Immediately, upon reading the news of the passing of cardiology pioneer Dr. Levi Watkins in Baltimore last Friday, I was struck with a deep sense of loss. It almost felt like my mind was playing tricks on me. Geez. I'd only met him one time. And last Fall had made a new friend who worked near him at Johns Hopkins Hopsital who had passed a message to him for me. It is a very volatile time in my life, I started to say in my mind as I tried to calm myself in the moment. But reading the very personal and poignant tribute to Dr. Watkins from his brother, Daniel Watkins really made the tears flow.

I'd had a chance meeting with greatness.

I'd shared wine with one of the finest doctors who ever lived.

I was encouraged to BE ME and keep moving forward with BOLDNESS by a living legend.

And I had no idea.

I have never forgotten that late Spring afternoon meeting at the Chesapeake Bay Wine Company in 2007. I was in the area to meet a friend of Dr. Watkins, who was a client partner of the company I worked for at the time. This partner was one of our company's toughest customers and if I'm honest, most every one in our home office was deathly afraid of him. He was gruff. He was flippant. He was witty and cold. And a trip to DC/Maryland to see him was always dreaded, until that day.

I was not afraid at all.  I went to the meeting prepared. He immediately informed me that the allotted time he agreed to before I arrived was no longer possible. In his stiff, Southern drawl, he encouraged me to "brang my best, in much less (time)."

I did. I presented data and offered my humble opinion on what they could do better to up their marketing game. He challenged me hard and I stood firm. Before I knew it, I actually did get the full amount of time with him as he previously agreed. He even offered to take me to lunch and asked if I'd ever had Maryland Crab Chowder. "My favorite dish", I replied and he proceeded to treat me to one of the best bowls of chowder I've ever had a dive location near Beltsville, MD. As we entered his huge truck, I asked him where he's from because he certainly doesn't sound like he's from Maryland.

"Alabama", he replies proudly and I finally have a personal connection to Stan. "My dad is from Alabama", I offer to which he quickly responds, "knew you had 'Bama blood in you." From that moment on, our conversation changed and was rich. We talked Alabama and business, we talked about our families and our dreams.

Back at his office (now I'm in OVERTIME), he invites me on his boat that evening proceeds to write me handwritten directions to Chesapeake Bay. He adds, almost as an after thought, that he has someone he wants me to meet. "Another Alabama great", he said. I agreed.

Dr. Watkins came into the Chesapeake Wine Company right on time to meet Stan and I and Stan introduced me. I don't remember his exact introduction but it was peppered with compliments about me, my courage and expertise at what I do. Dr. Watkins congratulated me, confirming that Stan is never generous with praise. Our 45 mins were lively and full of talk about Alabama, courage and other things I scarcely remember but I do remember what Dr. Watkins said when we stood to part. He specifically said he enjoyed meeting "young folk" like me, "self assured and confidently taking on the world." His last words to me were, "don't ever change - no matter how hard it gets or who you face, the world needs you just the way you are".

We hugged and I went on my boat ride with Stan. Over the years, since that meeting, I've often thought about that conversation and it rang in my head in late 2011 as I boldly left my corporate job to do Relationships Matter Now full-time.

Saturday when I heard Dr. Watkins had died and began to read about the outspoken civil rights and medical genius he truly was, it occurred to me that our chance conversation was one of the first mustard seeds of my entrepreneurial journey.  I was pushed to my life's work by someone who was doing his. I was acknowledged and validated as a great mind in my field before I knew it myself by someone accustomed to greatness and achievement.

Thank you Dr. Levi Watkins for your amazing life. And especially thank you for seeing more in me than I even saw in myself that day.

Action Trumps Everything

"A real decision is measured by the fact that you've take a new action. If there is no new action you haven't truly decided." - Ruby Gettinger

A few weeks ago, I saw that quote somewhere when I was traveling and I took a moment to record it on a post-it note and shoved it in my purse.

Low and behold, last week, I was confronted with taking action in a situation that has long yearned for me to act. Have you ever been there?

You know you must act.

You even have an inkling to what action must take place.

You also understand the consequences your action may have on others around you.

Yet, you do nothing.

That's where I was last week, in a tumultuous time where every possible stressful situation a family can face was staring me down and the circumstance that I'd been avoiding taking action on finally could no longer be avoided.

So I moved.

And INSTANTLY, I felt relief. Not the relief I'd felt the night before at hot yoga class - the very good (very guided and ) temporary release of tension but a true and definite release of all body tension. I'm happy to report that every day since my action, I have felt better, physically and emotionally. Even as I write this post, the uncertainty of the full consequences of my action is still very real but the tension and anxiety is gone.

We owe it to ourselves to act.

Act on faith.

Act on the confidence of your own convictions.

Act for peace of mind and spirit.

Act knowing that nothing changes until you do.

Two days into my new action, I stumbled across the post-it with the aforementioned quote written on it and I smiled. Little did I know a few weeks ago, I was sending myself a message of confirmation into the future. Reading that quote again, validated that change I desired was coming my way simply because I took action. 

Action does indeed trump everything.

In Like A Lion: What To Do When Life Roars Ferociously

Gorgeous lions living "outside my door" in Chicagoland

March came in like a lion and and is leaving just the same. From the extreme high of launching my second non-fiction book at the 27th Annual Forum on Workplace Inclusion to the extreme low of watching my 9 year old swell up unrecognizably in an allergic reaction that was resisting meds in the  ER over the weekend, this March has roared ferociously from start to finish. And honestly, I'm looking forward to a new month later this week.

Each week of March was full of activity, not all activity immediately "productive," the worst kind of activity for an enterprise like mine. Personal and professional ups and downs. So much so that time to post in this venue never arrived until now. I never stopped creating but my consistent creating here was horribly interrupted. What do you do when life roars as a lion directly in your face for consecutive days, weeks, months as it has for me the last seven months? These three actions kept and keep me going.

Know You Are Your Story, Not Your Circumstances

I am in a shitty season of life right now. No way around it. There are so many very good things going on for me and my family but there are also some really rough things we are working through at the same time. And it is not easy. However, I know my story. My story of triumph over tragedy. My story of character in the face of disgrace. My story of doing what's right regardless the cost. I also know my family's story and it is very similar to my personal one. We have experienced tough times before. We have seen plenty and scarcity. We know and experience joy and love. We are supportive of others and have received support. We have fun in spite of what we "see." We focus on what's important and let go of what's not. Knowing our story has helped us not focus on the circumstances we are currently facing. We are bigger than what's going on right now - good or bad. Our ability to "be" during trying times are what make us who we are - not what is happening around us.

Remember, Life Is Seasonal

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. - Ecclesiastes 3:1 NLT

When life is good, I often forget to enjoy it fully because I just keep pushing. I have made it an intention to focus and enjoy life more in the last 18 months or so and I am glad. For fully enjoying life when it is good helps bolster you when it is challenging. Savoring life's blessings big and small gives you good practice when facing rough waters. The ability to see it all as fleeting and seasonal is wonderful perspective that builds resilience. Resilience makes storms appear as the temporal challenges they really are. Keeping a seasonal outlook to life is good business.

Share Your Heartache

Perhaps the most challenging for people like me (and I imagine many others) is opening up about your pain. One human reaction to pain is resistance and another is shame. We hate being in pain and will often deny it but even worse is our tendency to hide it from those with whom we share our lives. Thankfully, the last two years have seen me sharing my pain and letting others assist me in carrying  the burden. This one action has trumped the other two because it gets me outside my own head. It allows for added perspective on my trouble and enables others to help me with solutions. Further, people want to help. We deny them the opportunity when we hold our challenges in secret. Allowing others to share your heartache breaks your heartache into smaller parts and thus makes it easier to endure.

So, while I am looking forward to a new month that will hopefully give way to a new season, I am prepared either way.

Why Relationships Mattered In Chicago's Mayor's Race

Almost one week ago, a small percentage of voters in Chicago made their wishes known. They wanted a choice to the current Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Let me start by saying, I don't have a true horse in this race as a suburban Chicagoland dweller. Yes, indirectly, my life and business are affected by the viability of the great city of Chicago but I want it clear that this commentary is coming from an outsider's view.

Relationships mattered a lot in the 2015 Chicago Mayor's race. Really, the lack of relationships mattered most.

I have followed Rahm's tenure as mayor and it has been contentious. And, my goodness, why wouldn't it have been? He followed the 22 year reign of Richard M. Daley. Chicago was and continues to be at a crossroads. The gem of the midwest, Chicago has always had an underdog feel to it. Second to other parts of the country in a host of categories yet gritty enough to claim leadership in a select few areas, Chicago has always had a "Phoenix" feel of rising from the ashes of one setback to a bigger and better place, again and again.

Rahm Emanuel swept back in town with tight business and Washington ties and connections that he promised to use to bring Chicago into a greater position to live up to its promise as the heart of the nation.  From my seat, he did lots of that. He has strengthened the city's position as a tech hub contender. He set an aggressive energy and sustainability agenda that he's been successful in executing. He increased access to STEM opportunities for the most under served students in the city.  He's opened access to free early undergrad education to any high schooler that qualifies.

So what's the problem? Why is Emanuel facing a runoff by a candidate he outspent 12 to 1?

It's not what he did, it's how he did it.

People think Rahm Emanuel is ruthless. Google his name and not one article is written without reference to the term "ruthless operative." People don't see Rahm as a leader, they seem him as an operative. I don't know if it's true but I know he could have managed his perception better had he built authentic relationships throughout the city. I can relate to Rahm on the perception of being cold and heartless. 

As a leader, I have the ability to make tough decisions and compartmentalize my emotions as well. People perceive that as being heartless. I get it. And to some degree, I do believe it's slightly true with me. The first and best nurturer in my life passed away when I was 4 years old and that fact absolutely plays into the level of compassion I am able to have and convey. But I learned early in life that no one cares that I grew up without my mom. People expect me to be sympathetic. People expect me to be empathetic. People expect me to care about them and what affects them. That was and continues to be true in any setting I operate in and want to influence. 

Therefore, I make it a point to surround myself with other leaders with bigger hearts than mine. People close to me, who advise, guide and often times, represent me and my business when I cannot. They are my team. Hand cultivated and selected to compliment the areas where I am deficient.

Where is Rahm's team? Again, it is a spectator sport,  for me, watching Chicago politics. I don't gain anything with Rahm or his challenger Jesus "Chuy" Garcia at the helm in Chicago's City Hall. As a fellow leader who is known for making tough decisions and having tough conversations, I'd be remiss not to send a message to Rahm.

Dear Mr. Mayor,

Do the work. 
Build relationships with your constituents, not just the important ones. 
Curate an advisory staff to help you navigate and relate in areas you are deficient. 
Be inclusive, gain insight and co-create solutions with the people most affected by your decisions.
And enable others to lead. 

It may be too late for this election but these truths are evergreen and can go with you where ever you wish to lead.

Signed, 

A fellow tough leader.