In Like A Lion: What To Do When Life Roars Ferociously

Gorgeous lions living "outside my door" in Chicagoland

March came in like a lion and and is leaving just the same. From the extreme high of launching my second non-fiction book at the 27th Annual Forum on Workplace Inclusion to the extreme low of watching my 9 year old swell up unrecognizably in an allergic reaction that was resisting meds in the  ER over the weekend, this March has roared ferociously from start to finish. And honestly, I'm looking forward to a new month later this week.

Each week of March was full of activity, not all activity immediately "productive," the worst kind of activity for an enterprise like mine. Personal and professional ups and downs. So much so that time to post in this venue never arrived until now. I never stopped creating but my consistent creating here was horribly interrupted. What do you do when life roars as a lion directly in your face for consecutive days, weeks, months as it has for me the last seven months? These three actions kept and keep me going.

Know You Are Your Story, Not Your Circumstances

I am in a shitty season of life right now. No way around it. There are so many very good things going on for me and my family but there are also some really rough things we are working through at the same time. And it is not easy. However, I know my story. My story of triumph over tragedy. My story of character in the face of disgrace. My story of doing what's right regardless the cost. I also know my family's story and it is very similar to my personal one. We have experienced tough times before. We have seen plenty and scarcity. We know and experience joy and love. We are supportive of others and have received support. We have fun in spite of what we "see." We focus on what's important and let go of what's not. Knowing our story has helped us not focus on the circumstances we are currently facing. We are bigger than what's going on right now - good or bad. Our ability to "be" during trying times are what make us who we are - not what is happening around us.

Remember, Life Is Seasonal

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. - Ecclesiastes 3:1 NLT

When life is good, I often forget to enjoy it fully because I just keep pushing. I have made it an intention to focus and enjoy life more in the last 18 months or so and I am glad. For fully enjoying life when it is good helps bolster you when it is challenging. Savoring life's blessings big and small gives you good practice when facing rough waters. The ability to see it all as fleeting and seasonal is wonderful perspective that builds resilience. Resilience makes storms appear as the temporal challenges they really are. Keeping a seasonal outlook to life is good business.

Share Your Heartache

Perhaps the most challenging for people like me (and I imagine many others) is opening up about your pain. One human reaction to pain is resistance and another is shame. We hate being in pain and will often deny it but even worse is our tendency to hide it from those with whom we share our lives. Thankfully, the last two years have seen me sharing my pain and letting others assist me in carrying  the burden. This one action has trumped the other two because it gets me outside my own head. It allows for added perspective on my trouble and enables others to help me with solutions. Further, people want to help. We deny them the opportunity when we hold our challenges in secret. Allowing others to share your heartache breaks your heartache into smaller parts and thus makes it easier to endure.

So, while I am looking forward to a new month that will hopefully give way to a new season, I am prepared either way.

2 Ways My $5 Ring Can Change Your Business

My flea market "valuable" ring recovered

A few months ago, I noticed that one of my favorite rings was missing. I could not find it in any of the "usual" lost locations. I'd give up on finding it.  Since I got it really cheap at a flea market over 5 years ago, I decided not to obsess over it and move on.

How delighted was I to find it today! But it's reappearance has so much more symbolism than recovering a favorite old accessory. It is another sign in my life about my current path as an entrepreneur. There are so many questions in my old battered ring. When did I lose it? How did I not see it before? Was it in the pile of snow that just melted less than 30 days ago? How did it lose it's shape even more? I did come up with two powerful and timely messages in this ring:

You Assign Value

This $5 flea market ring was one of my favorite purchases ever. I loved the ring and the woman I bought it from. I remember it like it was yesterday. She had long dreadlocks and smelled of patchouli. She complimented me on my "gorgeous" kids and told me she made most of the pieces I saw before me.  I reviewed many pieces before I decided on the silvertone ring with the cloudy blue stone. When she said it was five dollars, she quickly let me know that the stone was not real nor was it real silver. I just asked her if she'd made it. She threw her head back and laughed loudly while confirming she did but that it was a test piece with no value. She went on to tell me it was one of the first pieces she ever made and she never really liked it. In that moment, I wanted it even more. I didn't know why at the time but I do know now.  I was in the early stages of starting my business when I stumbled across this stand. While she attached no value to her test piece, it was very valuable to me. It represented her independence and her success as a jewelry maker. And I wanted to wear it. Ironically, it is one of the rings I get the most compliments on when I wear it and that is why I was heartbroken when I lost it. I bet that flea market vendor has no idea the value I've assigned to something she easily parted ways with.

You Get What You Look For

This morning, I was not looking for anything. I took the dog out as I normally do. The windy rain made me keep my head down versus my normal viewpoint. The dog stopped in her normal place to pee and this time something slightly dull yet shiny caught my eye. It was the frame of the ring. I recognized it before I could bend down to pick it up and the story from above rushed back to me. But where was the stone? I reviewed the section where I'd found the ring pretty carefully but did not see it. And because I did not want to relive the hurt of "losing" the ring all over again, I tossed the dingy ring frame into the garbage heap. It is garbage day and I was right there. Then, suddenly, I felt compelled to look again, look more closely. I did not just review the immediate area where I found the frame but the entire patch of land surrounding my mailbox. Within a minute, I found the mud covered blue stone, not even buried in the grass but sitting slightly high and in the open. Are you kidding me? I thought with a giddy smile. This was my beloved ring and now I have it back.

This is a perfect metaphor for my work life right now. I have lots of remnants of projects and proposals out there as a steady corporate gig is coming to a close. Ever so often, I catch myself worrying if I'll be able to replace this income and replace when it dries up in less than 60 days.  Finding my ring lets me know I will. Why? There is value to what I do with my company. Every day, I am privileged to spread that work more and more. And every day, others are realizing that value but I had to assign value to it first. It is easy to doubt yourself and your business when you are a small service business as we are. Cleaning up that dirty old ring has value to me because it represents an entrepreneur who believed in herself enough to start something. Every time I look at it, it has tremendous value to me. It is a reminder of never giving up on my dream to revolutionize relationships on planet Earth.

Finally, you get what you look for. There is effort involved. Clearly, I could have just tossed the ring frame and come back inside or gone for my normal walk with the dog but I chose to look for the stone of my favorite ring in the grass. I'd started to pout about losing the ring all over again. I tossed it and resigned myself to not having something I wanted, even though it may have been just under my feet.  Just as I took the time to look for the stone and found it, I am taking the time to look for new projects within my network. Sure, there will be some extra effort over the next 60 days but without it, I have no chance of replacing the income that is about to dry up. Panicking. Complaining. Freaking out. All fine but none of those reactions will get me closer to my goal. I am looking to win and keep growing my business. I am looking to grow and employ more people, more often. And just like the extra few seconds I took to look for my ring rewarded me- I am certain my extra effort with my business will reward me, too.

Finding my ring, my favorite cheap flea market ring in the grass today is a sign of what great things are on the horizon for my business.

Choose Wisely

We all have them.

Hundreds daily, tens of thousands weekly, yet we often don't even realize it.

Many think that ours are more important than those of others.

Some criticize those of everyone else and never reflect on our own.

Some of us avoid them at all costs, yet our avoidance is actually a selection.

Many think ours do not effect others, while some folks make all theirs based on others.

Some of us barrel into ours heart first, thinking later.

At any given moment, we have been all of the above as it relates to choices.  Choices are plentiful and that is especially true in the United States of America. However, it is important to focus only on our own choices. They are really the only ones we truly have control over. They are the only ones we should be discussing extensively. Our own relationship with choice really determines how our lives go. Clearly, many things happen  outside of our control but we choose how we face those things, how we move through them.

I have been especially challenged this year with this concept in every role in my life, wife, mom, marketer, and public servant. This past week, no less than 4 times, in interactions with others, I acknowledged and owned that I could have made a better choice. I fully own my choices and spend a great deal of time examining them. My theory is that we'd have a much more peaceful and enlightened society if everyone took some time to look at and own their choices in life. If we all paused to acknowledge them, examine them and learn from them - I am certain we'd all be healthier in every way.

Take a moment to reflect on the last week and the choices you made. Can you see areas for improvement? Can you foresee opportunities this week to make better choices? Review all areas of your life, personal and professional.

Let's all make an effort to choose more wisely how we live.

Flashback to Flash Forward

Spent some lovely hours reuniting with my college roommates this past weekend.

Kathy, Kathy, Heather, Nicki, Denise and Eilene. We missed Lisa. And that in and of itself is interesting. Because that original list of names is how it all started in the fall of 1991. An overcrowded year at then Judson College where they turned rooms that were designed for 4 into mega suites for 6. Year one was the listed folks and then year two Eilene moved out and Lisa came in .

Those were the days. Fun. Rice Krispie treats. Banana bread. Music. Laughter. Tears. Growth. Bonding.

I could go on and on listing what feelings, emotions and actions that took place during those two years. I'll spare you. But I would  like to look at and unpack one aspect of what this weekend meant to me; how revisiting your past really helps propel you into your future.

It is so interesting to be around people who were intensely close before but live pretty separately now. The perspective about yourself is incredible. Not to mention the perspective of those around you. How did it change? How has it evolved? Or has it not changed? Is it exactly the same? Personally, I love opportunities to reflect on my own growth by being around people who knew me in a specific era of my life. I love to have the rush of memories coupled with all the experiences that have taken place since the time those memories were made. Sifting through thoughts, feelings emotions is a great way to gage where you've been and put into light where you are going.

Revisiting your past can help you have benchmarks for your future growth. With each visit to the past, you can compare your past and present. Are you moving in the direction you would like to be moving? Could some of your old friends and contacts get you closer to where you desire to be? Being around people who knew you well at one point in your life and spending time with them in your present helps shape who you are and would like to become. As I listened to myself update them on my happenings, I can see how I truly value and see the experience Ive had since our time together. It's pretty eye opening. I certainly did not spend a ton of time on the front end thinking about this. I was busy getting ready and looking forward to seeing my old best girls. But in the time since we parted, I've caught myself thinking of what I said about something versus what someone else said.

I've thought about questions I did not ask or topics I didn't bring up but now wished I had. I've thought about what is an appropriate time to regroup since it was extremely refreshing and soul nurturing to come together. It's the happy balance. Of course, I do not want to "recreate" our time together now. We were close for season, for a reason. And now it's more of an exercise on what is the right mix of past and present to take us forward. While I am not sure the answer and really don't have time to work it out today, I am certain that the lesson in this weekend is to embrace your past. Enjoy it. Don't rewrite it or attempt to manipulate it. Learn from it. Enjoy the folks who contributed to it. Use it. Use it to propel you into the future you desire.

I'm thankful for my past that came for a quick visit just at time I needed it!

Perspective: 2 Tips To Broaden Yours

With 22 days before Decision 2012, we are all more than ready for the presidential contest to be over. Regardless which side of the election you fall on, we are all fatigued and ready to move on. One thing I'd love for us to learn from this arduous race, is the value of understanding our own perspective and how it shapes our lives.

Over the life of this blog, there have been no less than 5 posts on the topic of perspective. It is of utmost importance to recognize how our perspective impacts our actions, inaction and so much more.

There have been two debates to date and both times I have scratched my head trying to sort out and reconcile what the pundits, my network and my own perspective has told me about those debates. It is indeed mind numbing as it relates to politics but I challenge - isn't that the case with all areas of our lives?

Success or failure?

Contentment or discontent?

Opportunity or adversity?

There are always pundits in life who pontificate on what makes us successful or not. There will always be opinions on how to be content or even happy versus the alternative. There are countless thoughts on opportunity and adversity.

It all boils down to our individual perspective.

Merriam-Webster defines perspective this way:

a : the interrelation in which a subject or its parts are mentally viewed perspective

>; also : point of view

b : the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance perspective>

 

Know someone who, no matter what happens, believes that the world is "out to get him or her?"

Have you ever met someone who is perpetually positive and upbeat?

Each of these people see their world based on what they are looking for. It plays out in political contests and it plays out in other areas of our lives.

How can you harness the power of what you look for?

Be Open
Not on paper but in real life. Be flexible and ready for where life may take you.  This scary because it requires surrender. Surrender of imagined power over outcomes and people. You have to even let go of your current view of yourself. Sometimes our perspective of ourselves are the biggest thing holding us back from who we can become. Let go of what you know and see what could be. Americans like to say they are open but in reality, we tend to be more myopic about many things versus our global counterparts. Start looking for opportunities to be open - with our kids, our co-workers and (GULP) our spouses. Openness does come naturally to some and to many it leads to discomfort and we tackle that next.

Be Uncomfortable
Yes, embrace discomfort. You know that feeling you get when you are listening to someone from an opposing view expound on their reason for thinking the way they do? It's a sickening "want to retreat immediately" sort of feeling - embrace that and see what happens. That is the same feeling you get when you want to push the envelope on an idea at work or with your partner. If you don't practice it, you'll never do it. In politics, it's insignificant - temporary, no better place to practice embracing discomfort. If you can withstand feeling uncomfortable for a few minutes on a Facebook string with a friend - you will build that muscle for other areas of life where you need it. And you need push through discomfort to do just about anything good in life. What you want in life is really on the other side of the fear in front of you.

Try on these two ideas as you go through the world "looking for" answers. Being open and being uncomfortable will surely clarify your thought process on life. I would not expect this to change your point of view drastically but it will certainly broaden it. Half the battle is understanding that what we know is merely a product of what we look for... And if we can re-think what we look for, who knows what we will find?

The REAL Reason Common Sense Is Not So Common

Dictionary defines common sense as:
     
sound or prudent judgement based on a simple perception of the situation or facts


I started this post with the definition of common sense intentionally. To level set before I make the case that common sense is not dying or somehow slipping away from us. Almost every day, I see, hear or read something referring to the "fact" that we've lost common sense in today's society; that somehow common sense was here before and has gotten up and left us.

Until recently, you may have heard that mistaken perception come out of my own mouth. It seems with age, wisdom and experiences comes also the mistaken thought pattern that what is happening around us today is worse that what it was before and so today's people have somehow have lost what people before us surely had, common sense. Further, we all perceive ourselves as having common sense while those around us all seem to be floundering without it.

I'm here to tell you that there is nothing common about common sense. Each of us has our own interpretation of what common sense is to us based on our unique life experiences and information. Roaming the planet the last almost 41 years and especially being coupled the last 12 of them has convinced me that this is the number one breakdown within relationships between humans. The idea that those around us have to see and perceive things as we do or they are less wise, less able and therefore lack common sense.

That line of thinking is short sighted and more importantly - it is flat out wrong.

The definition really gives it all away - the little phrase "simple perception," kills the notion that common sense actually exists as we often define it.

What is wacky to you may be perfectly normal to me.
What is offensive to me may be perfectly appropriate to you.
What is fact to you may not be fact to me - simply because our life experiences dictate otherwise.

Clearly, there are some areas that are not so fuzzy but I won't even list them here because it is likely there will be some that disagree with my list. That is the beauty and the curse of this notion of common sense.

There are as many variations of common sense on the planet as there are variations of humans. So the next time you want to accuse someone of not using common sense, think about this post and how what they are using what may be common sense to them.

Use All Your Tools, Get Your Bunny!

One of the most intriguing phenomenons of owning a dachshund over the last 6 months has been observing her keen natural ability to hunt. Chica is always on the hunt. And watching her hunt lately has really brought to mind a key thought  - she hunts with all her might but only uses one sense - her sense of smell. How many of us go through life just like Chica?

She is so focused and intent on getting the bunny rabbit by sniffing him/her out that she often misses the fact that he/she is sitting right in front of her in the bush - just mere feet away.

We've even led her directly to a bunny in a bush and she still puts her nose down intent on finding the bunny her way. Other times, we give in to her whimpers and open the door for her to just flat out chase the bunny she sees.

The other day I decided to hunt out a bunny from my perspective and found one sniffing around in a bush - let Chica go and she spun in circles around the bush while the bunny panted inside undetected. Finally Chica tired of the sniff circles and turned her back a split second and off the bunny went.

This dog has not caught a bunny. Does this story sound familiar?

She is using only what she believes is her best chance to catch the bunny, her sense of smell. She never uses her eyes nor does she detect the rustling in the bush as well as she could because her head is down to the ground, sniffing for a way to get the elusive bunny.

She does not understand when we,  her owners try and LEAD her to the bunny in the bush or when we point to the area where the bunny is and try to lift her head.

She is eternally frustrated because she knows she's close but what she wants is just outside her reach - outside her comfort zone of sniffing.

I am convinced that she will only catch a bunny when she deploys all her tools toward the job. When she sniffs, looks and listens - I think she'll have a chance. But Chica is a dachshund and as much as it hurts to see her so frustrated, I know her dog psyche allows her to forget this morning's disappointment of not catching the bunny. She's OK.

But what about people who employ the same tactics to their lives? Using only what they think is the best tool, not exploring others? Not allowing themselves to even be guided to their possibilities? Focused but yet not successful?

Look at your life and think about the life you want. Does your current set of tools help you get there? What new tools can you employ to get you closer?

Don't be Chica. Use all your tools and get your bunny.

Are Your Working On Your Top 5?

More and more lately, I have been reminded of the importance of doing the best you can with this one life we are blessed to live. Having hit the milestone of 40 years old last year really accelerated my thoughts around my top 5 goals for my life. It's one thing to identify the top 5 goals  - another to actually live in the reality of them.

Where do you fall? Do you even have a "top 5"?

Sometime last year I read a blog post about this and listed the following as My Top 5 Goals For My Life:

1. Live my faith everyday
2. Have a growing vibrant relationship with my husband, Isael
3. Raise two world changing individuals (Emma and Evan)
4. Revolutionize relationships on planet Earth - one at a time (making money as I go)
5. Enjoy my life fully!

A few quick words about goals and I'll set you off to set your own...

Goals need to be measurable

All my goals have specific metrics around them. Metrics for quality and quantity. Yep, even the fluffy ones. Periodically, I review these goals and look at specific measurements to see if I am tracking or falling down.

Goals need accountability

These goals are written on the blog that I first read them on a year ago. They are seared in my mind and again here for accountability. You can do something if you don't name it, speak it - proclaim it. I've shared these goals with folks on my Personal Board of Directors so I can have their feedback and input on how I'm doing.

Goals need to be flexible

There is at least one of these goals that will not stay on the list forever. We need to be open to how our lives change and how goals we set for them may have to change as well. Now, this is not to give us an excuse to chuck a goal when it gets hard - it's more to give ourselves the freedom to evolve our goals to our circumstances when absolutely necessary.

I am in good shape on my top 5 and number 5 can be the most difficult at times. Like in April when a major project driving the majority of my company's income fell apart. Pretty tough to "enjoy" that kind of stuff. But I've learned how. I've learned how to take what life dishes and find a silver lining - the extra time I was afforded by that project's disappearance allowed me to complete my first book and accelerate a project that otherwise would have languished in my stable. And this is not just my "hindsight" view - this was my real time view. Did I mourn the loss? You bet. I mourned it by channeling the hurt, anger and confusion into churning out my book and generating more from what I had. It's all about your perspective.

So.... today I challenge you to create a Top 5 Goals for your life list and get to work on it immediately.

Look Out For The Anakin/Darth Vader In Your Life

Star Wars turned 35 this past weekend.

Until three weeks ago, I did not care at all. Like many American kids born in the late 60s/early 70s, I saw the original Star Wars trilogy and enjoyed it back then. No interest at all. Ever again. Until my sweet Evan asked me to watch the movies one weekend.

Because I like Samuel L. Jackson, I thought - let's start with the more recent trilogy and watch them in order over two weekends and that plan culminated with this past holiday weekend coinciding with the anniversary.

I had no idea the impact this story would have on me.

I am a huge student of understanding and perspective. My perspective on the story of Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader reminds me of the daily struggle we all face and the power loving others has on redemption.


When I saw the movies in the 70s, I was child and like many, we just took it for face value that Darth Vader was evil. Yeah, he came around and saved his son in the end but seeing the first 3 movies really gave us the depth of his true character. It also is a cautionary tale for living today. We cannot make too many assumptions.

My view is that Anakin was flawed brilliance discouraged from being who he was and that led to who he became. His overwhelming quick study of the force made Obi-Wan Kenobi suspicious of him rather than encouraging of him, even as a boy. When he wanted to bring himself fully, questions/flaws and all to the discipline of the Jedi - he was shutdown and forced to conform to the Jedi way as Jedi masters had known it for centuries. There is even a scene where he questions if the Jedi were actually doing what they'd set out to do or had they become part of the problem.All these things casts doubts among the people he trusted most, his Jedi master and his true love, Padme.

Make no mistake, he made the choice to join the evil side. Even though he did it ultimately to save his love, he did it just the same. He also suffered the consequences of that choice until the end of his life when he was able to redeem that choice in one move to save his son, Luke from the Emperor.

I love his story and he is now one of my favorite characters in movies all time.

I love his fall and rise at the end but I do think it was preventable. There are Anakins all around us everyday.

So, what are we doing to prevent Darth Vaders from rising up in our lives?


Do we accept people as they are or do we attempt to force them to blend?

Do we see questioning authority as a negative or do we encourage it?

Do we encourage people in their talents and help them grow them more or do we ask them to water them down to fit our own needs?

Do we give up on people when we see them go awry or do we hang in there, gather reinforcements and help pull them through?

These are all questions we face in all aspects of our daily lives when we interact with others. Are we building folks up or subtlety letting folks down around us?

I will be on the look out for ways to encourage the Anakins of the world. Will you join me?

Perspective: What You See Is Up To You

One issue after another comes our way. We can see the issue or see the opportunity. Sort of like the illustration above.


What keeps us from just throwing our hands up and giving up the ghost? What makes us see a man's face versus a woman in a dress near a tree?

Perspective.

Today, I am challenging everyone to stop and take a look at whatever is going on in your life and try to look at it from a different angle.

Turn it upside down - see anything?

Lift yourself from it - look down at it - any change?

Throw it out in front of you - how does it look now?

Toss it over your shoulder and look back at it - still perplexing?

While this may seem like gibberish, this is exactly what I do when faced with a challenge or problem.

Sometimes, perspective tells me it is completely out of my control - the actual issue, but I own how I deal with it. Other times, looking at it from another angle produces another path to resolution that I can drive. Most of the time, I just stop looking at it all together.

Yep. Perspective gives us the freedom to let go all together.

I've read somewhere that letting go of one thing, frees you up to grab something else.

So today, ask yourself - what should I be tossing around to see from different angles?

Dead end job?

Toxic friend or family member?

Irrational fear about anything?

Whatever it is, give yourself the freedom to change your perspective and find a new path.