2 Ways Forward When You Feel Stuck "Trying"

Late last year, with the help of one of my coaches, I learned that I had a big problem taking and owning responsibility for stuff that was not mine to own. 9 months later, even with that awareness, I still find myself struggling to only own stuff that is mine. In my yoga practice lately, that has been my biggest "intention," let go of stuff that is not mine. This past weekend, a conversation with my 13 year old made it crystal clear why I've struggled and gave me a pathway for freedom. Her simple assessment of a situation gave me two clear paths forward for the next time I get stuck.

Recognize Your True Contribution

Often times we inflate our importance to a circumstance or situation. When we stop to look at our true placement in a particular situation, we can see that even when we are an integral part of something, we truly are only a part of it - not the whole. We can never be the whole when we are part and understanding that helps us set boundaries for what we can and cannot do. My daughter clearly articulated that seeing and understanding our place in a situation enables us to make a good call on how much energy we should invest in changing that situation.

Know When To Say When

As the consummate overachiever in all areas of life, giving up and knowing when to give up is one of my biggest blind spots. Having had the opportunity to grind out victory over victory for most of my life has skewed my judgement on "when to say when." As much as recognizing my true contribution to a circumstance is key, so is understanding when my efforts are having diminishing returns. People like me take hope from even the slightest progress and sometimes that is ok. But most often, it is not and my 13 year old clued me into that revelation. In some situations, you need big progress, not small progress. And the reality is sometimes we fool ourselves into seeing progress when there really is none and it's truly time to move on.

What an amazing burden lifted from me to learn these truths and even more rewarding to learn them from my offspring. I must be doing something right.

Start Drawing Your Lines People

We are entering "the most wonderful time of the year." Retailers have already commandeered the airwaves and brainwaves getting us ready because the holidays are quickly approaching. For some folks, this "magical" time of year can be among the most stressful days they experience all year. My advice to them is simple.

Start drawing your lines, people.

And by lines, I mean just that... your boundaries. Whether its work related or personal and family related, holidays tend to blur lines that people normally have no issues guarding at other times a year.

By definition, boundary means a line that marks the limits of an area. It's way to keep somethings in and other things out. Relationships Matter Now just wants to  help you get a jump on setting your boundaries for the upcoming holiday season. Here are a few ways to do that:

Guard Your Time

Time will be your most precious commodity this season and there will never be enough to do every thing you want to do. Set boundaries now about how you will use your time. As an entrepreneur, I have to lay out how I intend to use the extra time that I know I will have between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day otherwise it will be wasted. Clearly, I need to designate specific Barreto kid/No work space.  I need to create some overall immediate family space as well as some extended family time. And I plan to have some time to spending thanking my clients for their business as well as continue prospecting and pitching business to folks who are working during this often slow time.

Guard Your Energy

While time is your most important asset during this season, energy is a close second. Get proper rest to fuel all the activity you put in your calendar. Be mindful not to waste energy on drama or excessive explaining of any kind.  Schedule activities that increase your energy. Sleep some more. Avoid the folks  in your life who suck energy from you and gravitate more toward those who replenish you as much as you can. Can't completely avoid energy vampires? Ok. Small doses. Commit now to VERY small doses of those people. This is often a tough ask but is critical to the third piece of advice.

Enjoy Yourself

Have fun. Do as much as you can during the holidays to have fun. Be intentional to take time off and enjoy your family and/or friends. Steal away and get some me time, if that's what makes you happy.  Cross things off your list that don't bring you enjoyment this holiday. That's why I advised you to guard your time and energy first, then you make space for enjoyment. Genuinely smile and give big hugs to those around you if that's what you enjoy. Hole up in your room in the dark snuggled in the covers alone, if that's what brings you joy. Make it a priority to spend as much time as you can this holiday season enjoying yourself.

Now you have some tools to build boundaries for yourself this holiday season. And you even have a few weeks to build out the plan to execute them.

3 Reasons Gay Marriage Does Not Bother This Jesus Freak

Last week, I was traveling when the AP alert interrupted my day announcing that President Obama had come out in support of gay marriage. I have to admit that I was shocked at all the media coverage that followed on the topic. It was literally the top news story for three straight days.

After the shock wore off and I'd had a chance to really think about it - my reaction is this post - simple and pointed; 3 Reasons Gay Marriage Does Not Bother This Jesus Freak

1. I Say No to Discrimination of Any Kind

As a black, Jesus loving person - I cannot support discrimination of any kind.  I am not really sure how to elaborate on this one. It is cut and dry with me. Discrimination of any kind is wrong. When you read about the rights and protections that gays are trying to achieve through legalizing their unions, what is the reason not to grant it and move on? A culture that allows discrimination against any group operating within it means that at any time that discrimination could be thrust upon any other group. We must come to a place in our culture where we no longer tolerate any discrimination at all. Period.


2. Gay Marriage Has No Bearing On My Marriage

Whenever I hear the argument that gay marriage somehow "diminishes" or otherwise negatively affects heterosexual marriage, I get livid. What in the world kind of logic would make one come to that conclusion? Marriage is a very intimate yet public contract between me, my husband and God. As I look around me at many heterosexual marriages in distress or breaking up, it grieves me and impacts how I work to protect mine but does not really have anything to do with my marriage. Why should gays being married be any different? We are secure in our marriage and it really doesn't matter who else is married or not married- it has no bearing on my marriage.


3. Compassion Trumps Everything

This one is really a representation of my faith in action. When in doubt, I go with compassion toward others. Compassion toward their stance, their position versus fighting philosophical battles. We must stop living a zero sum game on these social issues, where someone has to lose and someone has to win. In the case of gay marriage - what do I lose if gays are granted the right to be united with their partners and have it recognized by our government? My faith does not change. My marriage does not change. I've heard church leaders say that they "love the sinner but hate the sin." That statement is not bad in and of itself - but my question is this - is not all sin equal? Are some sins more egregious than others? Are you this upset about premarital sex? What about coveting? From the reactions of the last week, it's pretty clear that in the eyes of man - not all sin is equal. Regardless, I choose compassion toward the people behind this uproar. The people who, like me, have chosen to love and honor one person for their lifetime. People who desire to make a commitment and have it recognized by society in the same way that my marriage is recognized. I believe I will be on the right side of history on this topic with this point alone.

Ultimately, this, like many other social issues, comes down to relationships and the concept of free will. I am convinced that people who are secure in their choices don't worry about the choices of others. I am radically in love with Jesus and his teachings but I would not dare impose them on others. Expose them? Absolutely but impose them, never. My relationship with myself is solid and healthy and allows me to see clearly the boundaries of my rights versus the rights of others. Finally, free will is the rule of the day. God allowed me the "free will" to follow or not follow him. Of course he could have commanded me to be a believer but alas he did not. He gave me a choice. I, like him, like to extend the choice of free will on others.

Because of this, gay marriage does not bother this Jesus Freak.