My Life As A Non-Conformist Began With A Prince Song

The immortal Prince in one of my favorite eras of his life.

Prince was the epitome of non-compliance and it was his music that inspired my non-compliant spirit starting at the age of 8. I used to sing "I Wanna Be Your Lover" at the top of lungs.  Most often signing with no recourse until my dad heard me one day and asked me if I knew what I was singing. At age 8, I clearly had no idea what "I wanna be the only one you come for, yeah" really meant.  My dad told me he did not want to hear me singing that "garbage" ever again, with little explanation why.  So I remember nodding and waiting until he went to work to scream the lyrics at the top of my lungs and dared our babysitter to stop me.  No matter what anyone said to me, I was listening to that song and all the others from that man with a one word name. And non-conformity has been a brand attribute of mine ever since. Here's the three reasons I will forever be grateful that Prince touched my life.

Rules As Suggestions

Prince was known to push the limits and saw rules and regulations as suggestions only. His life overall is a walking example of nonconformity but let's just focus on his music. Every time someone put a label on his music, he reinvented his sound. He even took the same music and made it cross every genre imaginable and some say he had his own genre altogether. Even the way he executed in the music business was unheard of. From being the youngest producer at Warner Bros at the age of 19 to changing his name to protect his copyrights to releasing music independently of a label long before the internet, Prince busted up every rule of the music industry and wrote his own. Clearly, there were some constraints thrust upon him throughout his music career but his ingenuity transcended each and every one.

His Own Brand Of Black

Prince is my perfect example of how to be Black. Stop for a minute and look at his style and the way he presented himself to the world. Seeing all the images of him the last 24 hours reminded me of how he literally lived his life as Black man like no other. At the time he entered the music scene, most Black artists had a look and sound that was familiar and  "trademarked Black." Enter this light skinned, petite bodied man from Minneapolis who busted the paradigm for what Black music was and what a Black artist could do. Then he elevated his story with his movie Purple Rain and told a different view of Black life that was not being told widely at that time. I cannot recall anyone ever questioning his Blackness. I mean, he began his 2007 Super Bowl performance in a do-rag.  But as a light skinned, gender bending, multiple genre rock star, he elevated what Black in America could be and pushed  and challenged traditional Black narratives daily. Until his death, he continued to drive issues that impacted Black lives all while living his own story of Blackness.

Clearly He Loved Himself

If there was ever a person who accepted himself fully, I have to believe it was Prince. The sheer courage to be who he was at all times was unprecedented. Again, the imagery we have witnessed across the almost 40 year career is a self-love display. Interview after interview, I've watched him talk about love as a centerpiece of life. His documented generosity to countless charities uplifting those without a voice. His political activism - both the subtle and outspoken - for decades against injustice. Love for others, especially marginalized people, only comes from a deep sense of acceptance and love of oneself. Prince lived his life fully and wholly accepting of who he was which made him a gracious and genuine lover of others.


As I reflect on my life- especially now during a particularly tough personal season - each and every one of those attributes of Prince have permeated my life as well. It only upon his passing that I realize how much he influenced those traits in me throughout my life. Prince lit the way for this non-compliant, fearless leader. Thank you. May you rest in Power.

3 Steps To Practicing Radical Self-Care

Tough to give what you don't have, practice radical self-care

Radical self-care is critical and should be at the top of your to-do list every day.

What is radical self-care? My definition is the unshakable, nonnegotiable regular care of oneself. This looks different from person to person but ultimately is rooted the belief that in order to love and care for others in our lives, we must, first, love and care for ourselves. Radically.

I already know there are many reading this whose eyes have rolled to the back of their heads and are barely hanging into this third paragraph, but stay with me. Yes, you've heard this before. No, it's not a joke. Many of you already know this but have struggled to implement any form of regular self-care in your life. You cringe in guilt at the very thought or you throw your hands up not believing you can ever find the time to do anything for just you. You can begin a journey to radical self care and there are three critical things you must do to initiate and create space in your life for radical self-care.

Start Small

In order to grow to radical self-care as I defined, you have do baby steps self-care first. It is indeed impossible to dive into "radical anything"  if you don't have the basics first. Add something that you alone enjoy to your calendar each week. It can be a phone date with a friend. Coffee at your favorite cafe alone. 20 minutes of reading time. We all get 10,080 minutes in every week we live, you can carve out 30 of those to yourself starting right away. And don't forget to add it to your calendar and you get bonus points for putting it on a shared calendar. One of the most important ways to keep the commitment is to write it down and make others in your life see it's importance.

Build On Your Start

Once you've gone 6 straight weeks of a small commitment, you must up the stakes in some way. Again, this is entirely up to you but it must a) be more than your initial step at self-care and b) be shared with an accountability partner.  Now, pick your partner wisely. Don't call your flaky sister or flimsy friend who won't remind you or will indulge your excuses for missing your self-care. You need to call the person you don't want to tell because that's precisely who you need to push you. Remember, we all get 365 days in a year, so taking one full day or more per month is not unreasonable. And especially if you are building that day or two onto 30 minutes of weekly self-care. It will not feel like a big leap nor will you feel any guilt. In order to keep the momentum, you have to build on the initial self-care routine which will set you up for what's next.

Go Big

Identify something big you want to do for yourself and do it. This could be an overnight stay alone in a hotel.  Or this could be a weekend trip with your girlfriends or a guys weekend in Atlantic City but it must be big and follow your building stage.  Once you do this once, it will get easier and you will get really good at finding ways to up your self-care game in between big self-care events.  The biggest bonus of going big, is when life throws you big curves, you can combat it with radical rest and respite. Without question, my habitual radical self-care has made my latest valley not seem so deep. I was also able to activate courage to raise my self-care game to the need in my life and I'll be enjoying a weekend away, just me, very soon to fuel me through a tough season.

Taking care of yourself well is not optional, it's imperative.

What will you do today to start your journey to radical self-care?

Stop Telling Yourself That - It's a Lie!

Do you have a good grasp of the "facts" of your life versus the "myths?"

A recurring theme has risen in my interactions over the past few months. When I've been in both personal and professional discussions, the idea of knowing your story versus your circumstance has been popping up again and again. Whether it was directly pertaining to me or the person I was speaking with, it is clear that we all need to be reminded about the facts of who we are versus the things we tell ourselves.

During this current season of my life that has been both a mixture of deep despair and triumphant joy, I have had to re-examine the facts about myself versus my own or society adopted fiction. Knowing and fully embracing my true story is what propels me during the tough times. And of course, it's during tough times that we have fight off the myths that keep us from realizing who we truly are. Here are two pieces of advice to help you distinguish lies from truths.

Spot and Name the Pattern of Good in Your Life

What is the pattern of good that keeps surfacing in your life? Can you readily name it? If not, carve time out of your day TODAY to recall good in your life over the years. Was it your support of others? Was it your network's support of you? Do you bounce rather than splat under pressure? Are you the source of great ideas in a pinch? Would someone say your words are "lifesavers?" There are so many possibilities for this. Take some time to reflect on your life. If not your whole life - how about the last 5 years? 10 years? Look for and annotate times you were proud of yourself. Think about and record specific incidents where you felt good. What was happening? Who were you with? When you can spot and name the pattern of good in your life, you can summon it when circumstances tell you otherwise. Your consistent patterns of good are your true life story, not the situation you currently face. Knowing and recalling the good serves you when what's around you is not so good. Make it a habit to know and retell the good in your life.

Know the Difference Between Circumstantial Evidence and True Evidence

Wikipedia defines  Circumstantial evidence as  evidence that relies on an inference to connect it to a conclusion of fact—like a fingerprint at the scene of a crime. By contrast, direct evidence supports the truth of an assertion directly—i.e., without need for any additional evidence or inference. Clearly, this analogy applies to criminal or civil case law but look at how this applies to the topic we are unpacking. As you reflect on your life, you may see a pattern of circumstances that have led you to believe certain lies about yourself. And in the self-fulfilling prophecy, you have adopted the lies as truth when in fact, they are only true in certain contexts.  Take time to realize what circumstances are harmful and take steps to remove them. Remove yourself from the contexts that feed your lies and immerse yourself in contexts that feed your truths. This could be situations or even people patterns but you owe it to yourself to hold on to what is actually true versus things that occur in a certain set of circumstances.

Once you've reconnected with your true story and start to repel your myths, you will see an immediate difference in the results you get as you face your circumstances. No, your circumstances won't magically be more bearable. They may even get worse. But your ability to manage through those circumstances will soar and you will feel more peace and security. When grounded in our truths, there little that can shake us.

#2015Unshakable

The Year of "We're In This Together" At The 85th Academy Awards

The 85th Annual Academy Awards are in the books. Like most other pop culture freaks and movie lovers, I was glued to my television taking it all in into the wee hours of the night. There are so many themes to tackle but I am choosing the pattern I saw in acceptance speeches this year. Perhaps it was indicative of the crowd that won the big honors last night, but I saw a whole lot of humility in most of the big award acceptance speeches.

Best Supporting Actor  winner Jared Leto started it out with his salute to his (and by proxy all) single mom then moved to touching on the youth justice movements in the Ukraine and Venezuela. He finished with compassionate words for AIDS victims and the LGBT community.  As the first acceptance speech of the evening, I may be giving too much credit to Mr. Leto but it certainly stands to reason that he set the tone for an evening of humility and graciousness that I have not seen at awards ceremony in a while.

Best Supporting Actress winner Lupita Nyong'o's words, "It doesn't escape me for one moment that so much joy in my life is due to so much pain in someone else's" or "When I look down at this golden statue, may it remind me and every child, no matter where you're from, your dreams are valid," give me the same chills as I write them today that I got when I heard her voice firmly declare them last evening.

I was moved by the general "we're in this together" tone of the speeches. It was repeated over and over again throughout the night. There appeared to be a lot less long lists of individual credits but more general encouragement toward groups of people. There was a much more palatable sense of family credit amongst the winners - family of origin as well as "created family" credit given. Even Best Actor winner Matthew McConaughey's speech, that many found to be arrogant in the social media world in the immediate moments after it was given, had credit for his win spread to those closest in his life and God. Best Adapted Screenplay winner John Ridley gave credit to people who believed in him in the his early Hollywood writing days as well as Solomon Northrop whose story he had the honor to adapt for this year's Best Picture winner, 12 Years As A Slave.  Best Actress nod Cate Blanchett lifted women in Hollywood and women in general during her speech.


It's no coincidence that the tone of the speeches was more uniting than normal. We are living in a very divided era in our country and in the world. Look at the headlines, scour the internet for headlines they are not writing and you will find division, desperation and a demand for something different, something more. People want to be seen and people want to be heard. More than ever, we all need encouragement and reinforcement that we matter and that all people matter. I am proud of the Hollywood elite recognizing that while they had the world captivated for 4 straights hours, they could use their influence to pull us together, even if only slightly. Acknowledging heroes past, ordinary parents who did their best and produced extraordinary children or groups of people who struggle just to feel part of this life - Hollywood nailed it last night.

We are all in this together and it's high time we start acknowledging that fact. Thanks Hollywood for the reminder.

2 Things Ben Affleck Said Directly to Entrepreneurs

Ben Affleck Receiving Best Picture Oscar for Argo - Mario Anzouri/REUTERS

Last night, a very unlikely hero emerged from the ashes.

Hot shot actor, overexposed for many years quietly comes back and triumphs big. His film nominated in many categories but he himself snubbed for Best Director, Ben Affleck had a message for everyone in Hollywood.

He is back. (after getting a 1998 Best Original Screenplay Oscar for Good Will Hunting with his best bud, Matt Damon) He is good enough. He is talented. And now, you all know it.

His speech was worth my two hours of lost sleep alone giving us entrepreneurs two great nuggets in his rushed, nervous and downright exhilarating speech.

"You can't hold grudges."

"Doesn't matter how you get knocked down in life, all that matters is you gotta get up."

Not all of us work in the chasm that is Hollywood but Affleck's advice is sound and solid for those of us who work for ourselves in any industry.

Like Affleck, we will be faced with doubters. People you think will be supportive of your endeavors will ignore your calls and not answer your emails. People who will tell you to get them "your stuff" and no matter how much you follow up - they don't do anything. You have to let those folks go. Why? Because then you'll meet the folks who will help.

Doubters and folks who reject us are often the targets of our grudges. Affleck mentioned a specific group of people in his speech, those "who extended themselves to me when they had nothing to benefit from it in Hollywood." Guys, if we are chasing the doubters trying to convince them - we miss the people Ben acknowledged - the people WILLING to extend themselves to us. When we hold grudges, the energy we give off repels the people we need to meet and work with.

My favorite line from Affleck's speech was this one, "And it doesn't matter how you get knocked down in life because that's going to happen. All that matters is you gotta get up." As an entrepreneur, this spoke to me, big time.  I'm particularly moved by his word choice of "how you get knocked down." Knocked down is knocked down, right? Wrong. Some blows are way more significant than others. The client who signs a contract and does not pay is much different from the person who begs for a proposal and doesn't agree to work with you.

Affleck's use of how you get knocked down was intentional. Look at his own fall from Hollywood graces. 15 years ago, Hollywood was making fun of Bennifer, Gigli and Daredevil. Ben Affleck was the butt of late night jokes and generally dismissed as a pretty face with little talent. Yet, he quietly settled down, built a family and got really selective on which projects he chose to lend himself to and little by little -  an amazing filmmaker has emerged from the ashes of a hot shot handsome actor who burned out quickly.

As entrepreneurs, we must get back up. Again. Again.  And again. Regardless of what struck us down. We need look no further than Ben Affleck who made history being only the fourth director to win Best Picture without a Best Director Nomination.

Thanks Ben - I'm fired up all over again for my work today. Even on a lot less sleep.

3 Reasons Gay Marriage Does Not Bother This Jesus Freak

Last week, I was traveling when the AP alert interrupted my day announcing that President Obama had come out in support of gay marriage. I have to admit that I was shocked at all the media coverage that followed on the topic. It was literally the top news story for three straight days.

After the shock wore off and I'd had a chance to really think about it - my reaction is this post - simple and pointed; 3 Reasons Gay Marriage Does Not Bother This Jesus Freak

1. I Say No to Discrimination of Any Kind

As a black, Jesus loving person - I cannot support discrimination of any kind.  I am not really sure how to elaborate on this one. It is cut and dry with me. Discrimination of any kind is wrong. When you read about the rights and protections that gays are trying to achieve through legalizing their unions, what is the reason not to grant it and move on? A culture that allows discrimination against any group operating within it means that at any time that discrimination could be thrust upon any other group. We must come to a place in our culture where we no longer tolerate any discrimination at all. Period.


2. Gay Marriage Has No Bearing On My Marriage

Whenever I hear the argument that gay marriage somehow "diminishes" or otherwise negatively affects heterosexual marriage, I get livid. What in the world kind of logic would make one come to that conclusion? Marriage is a very intimate yet public contract between me, my husband and God. As I look around me at many heterosexual marriages in distress or breaking up, it grieves me and impacts how I work to protect mine but does not really have anything to do with my marriage. Why should gays being married be any different? We are secure in our marriage and it really doesn't matter who else is married or not married- it has no bearing on my marriage.


3. Compassion Trumps Everything

This one is really a representation of my faith in action. When in doubt, I go with compassion toward others. Compassion toward their stance, their position versus fighting philosophical battles. We must stop living a zero sum game on these social issues, where someone has to lose and someone has to win. In the case of gay marriage - what do I lose if gays are granted the right to be united with their partners and have it recognized by our government? My faith does not change. My marriage does not change. I've heard church leaders say that they "love the sinner but hate the sin." That statement is not bad in and of itself - but my question is this - is not all sin equal? Are some sins more egregious than others? Are you this upset about premarital sex? What about coveting? From the reactions of the last week, it's pretty clear that in the eyes of man - not all sin is equal. Regardless, I choose compassion toward the people behind this uproar. The people who, like me, have chosen to love and honor one person for their lifetime. People who desire to make a commitment and have it recognized by society in the same way that my marriage is recognized. I believe I will be on the right side of history on this topic with this point alone.

Ultimately, this, like many other social issues, comes down to relationships and the concept of free will. I am convinced that people who are secure in their choices don't worry about the choices of others. I am radically in love with Jesus and his teachings but I would not dare impose them on others. Expose them? Absolutely but impose them, never. My relationship with myself is solid and healthy and allows me to see clearly the boundaries of my rights versus the rights of others. Finally, free will is the rule of the day. God allowed me the "free will" to follow or not follow him. Of course he could have commanded me to be a believer but alas he did not. He gave me a choice. I, like him, like to extend the choice of free will on others.

Because of this, gay marriage does not bother this Jesus Freak.