How To Enjoy Unprecedented Peace In Turmoil

A mighty lighthouse - the beacon in the storm

When life unravels and keeps unraveling with no end in sight, it is critical to maintain a sense of peace. Instinctively, this makes sense but in practice, it appears elusive.

We all experience seasons of life that toss us like the boats on a turbulent sea. Some of those seasons are quick and dirty while others are long and arduous.

You never know which will be the case - a short and ugly or a long and painful but equipping yourself either way is key to coming through turbulent times with your peace of mind intact. Here are three strategies I use to keep my peace during crazy times:

Stop Measuring Time

It is very important that you look realistically at time as it relates to the trouble. It's human nature to measure things in days, months, etc. During adverse times - you must push yourself away from this tendency.  When it's short acknowledge that and allow yourself the space to feel the discomfort without exaggeration.  When troubled times are long, still keep perspective and allow space for the discomfort without wishing it away. My family is currently in a yearlong ordeal that has an another 8 month stretch before we will be "normal" again. Well, framing it has helped. One year versus 15 years of my family's existence is really short and while it be almost 2 years before it normalizes - that is still a short amount of time for discomfort. Don't believe the hype, America. With our sitcom society, we expect complexity to be wrapped in in 22 minutes, 51 tops. Sometimes things wrap up fast but most often they do not. Look realistically as how the timing is impacting you and give yourself real breaks about it.  Set small non-time sensitive goals to allow for small wins to build momentum. Stop counting the days. Start living moment to moment and find enjoyment and peace on a minute-by-minute basis. Let go of time as it relates to the trouble so you can make room for the rest of your life.

Take Breaks From Your Trouble

The easiest and simplest of all the strategies - stop thinking and talking about it. Like the time issue, this is another re-framing that goes against natural human nature. We like to discuss stuff. Some of us like to analyze and over analyze stuff again and again with different people. Stop. Resist. Get a therapist and vow to speak only to him/her and MAYBE one other close friend. Being consumed by your trouble robs you of peace. Catch yourself thinking about it and redirect your thoughts - that will stunt your conversation. Make notes and journal about it but don't do so more than once per day. Even writing and thinking about it constantly eats into the mental breaks we need from our trouble. Further, I have noticed that the more time and space I have in between dwelling on my trouble opens me up to more creative solutions for coping. Can't cope with something you never step away from. Step away. Back away slowly. Do whatever you can to take true breaks from your trouble.

Help Another in Trouble

Have you ever noticed that shitty stuff travels in groups? Rarely, are you in a turbulent moment alone. When you stop and listen to those around you, you discover that other people have adversity as well. Open yourself up to being a resource for others and it will do wonders on your own trouble. Why? First, it allows you the break we just discussed. Two, helping someone else troubleshoot their challenges opens your mind to your own trouble but from a different light. You may find better strategies as you speak to others about how they manage. Finally, it helps you feel better about yourself when you hear that others are struggling, too. Especially when they are wildly different challenges. Beware when they are similar challenges - don't fall into the comparison trap. Keep your focus on your friend or co-worker and resist the tendency to bring it back to you.

Peace does not mean that there is no trouble, it merely means that you can be yourself and move forward in spite of it. Employ a few or all of these strategies to keep your peace as you navigate hard times.  You will need it to push through to the other side.

3 Things You Must Do To Support Your Friend Who Needs A Lifeline

People who need a lifeline need something specific from you

Had the most epic text conversation with a great friend recently who is in the midst of an enormous amount of change in her life.

Personal change.

Relational change.

Vocational change.

As we commiserated on 2 out of 3 of those aspects of change, we delighted each other in our responses to one another. . We left one another feeling much better and vowed to pose the following question to the rest of the world. Why do so many of us suck at supporting each other through rough patches? Why do we feel compelled to give "an answer" to our loved ones when they are experiencing difficulty? This is especially true in Christian circles. Both my friend and I are strong believers who just happen to be swallowed up in a crazy season in our respective lives. As we "chatted" intermittenly over 2 hours - it was clear why we felt so much better having interacted. Three very different things happened during our exchange: pure unadulterated listening,  no comparisons, no cliches.

Pure unadulterated listening

This one is the hardest to do but really the most important. Just listening sometimes is all our friends need, especially people who are mired in complex situations. We must train ourselves to listen. Fight the compulsion to wander in thoughts or think of solutions to the challenges you are hearing. Literally, stop everything and just listen. Respond with "I hear you," or "I feel you," and genuinely do hear and feel your loved ones concern. Sometimes you just need to listen and listen more because some people have very few people they confide in.  You may be the only person they are sharing their adversity with so it is imperative that you just listen. And listen more. Make space and time to just listen.

No comparisons

No. Nope. None. Even if you have been through this or you have a friend or cousin who is in the EXACT situation as your current friend, don't compare. Am I saying that you cannot use experiences you've had to speak wisdom into this new situation? Yes. I am. In the moment of despair or when people are raw, it is tough to hear other stories that appear similar but are not necessarily apples to apples. Even when they are very identical to someone on the outside, there are always nuances and differences, even if they are slight to the person actually experiencing the difficulty.  Respect your friend's unique story. And if you have information you are convinced will help them - ask first if you can share it. And if they give you the green light, frame it well and give them the space to see the similarities -don't push them.  We are all special and while we all experiences similar challenges, it is difficult to invite someone in and have them compare what you are going through to something else. It is good policy to do your best to not compare at all but if you must, get permission.

No cliches

This is another tough one. You all know them and in the Christian world there are so many.

Everything happens for a reason.

God isn't gonna give you more than you can handle.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronnger.

Let God and let go.

And there are many many more.  In fact, my friend and I chucked because we both balked at what we called "flimsy Christian talk" that people pull out when you confide that you are struggling. Please keep your sayings and cliches when someone shares their doubts and fears. I have a relationship with God and like most of my relationships, there are times when it is strained and downright difficult to deal with. That's right. Sometimes, it's hard to be in relationship with God. And for me, some of those moments come during my most difficult hours; when all I can see is darkness and when I hear no reply to my screams for respite. Pulling out every cliche about how it's all gonna be ok is not the right path. Really. It's not. And you wanna know why? It's not very convincing and chances are you don't really believe that. Yep. I said. Most of those cliches are lip service that we've been fed in our difficult moments and we just regurgitate it when we see a chance. No. Don't. Do better by your friend.  Listen. Feel. Reassure that you are there and that you care. Allow them to vent and have those feelings. They need to go there, so don't prevent it with a quick fix saying that isn't going to add any value in that moment. Even if you are one of those people, like me, who lives by Genesis 50:20 or Romans 8:28, you don't have to shove that in people's faces when they are hurting. Pick a less raw time and remind them of what they know to be true or introduce how you handle your difficult times.

And while we both hope to be out of our respective slumps soon, I am so glad for our exchange because it highlighted for us how we all can do better to support people around us when they need us most.

What would you add to our list to better support friends in crisis?

In Like A Lion: What To Do When Life Roars Ferociously

Gorgeous lions living "outside my door" in Chicagoland

March came in like a lion and and is leaving just the same. From the extreme high of launching my second non-fiction book at the 27th Annual Forum on Workplace Inclusion to the extreme low of watching my 9 year old swell up unrecognizably in an allergic reaction that was resisting meds in the  ER over the weekend, this March has roared ferociously from start to finish. And honestly, I'm looking forward to a new month later this week.

Each week of March was full of activity, not all activity immediately "productive," the worst kind of activity for an enterprise like mine. Personal and professional ups and downs. So much so that time to post in this venue never arrived until now. I never stopped creating but my consistent creating here was horribly interrupted. What do you do when life roars as a lion directly in your face for consecutive days, weeks, months as it has for me the last seven months? These three actions kept and keep me going.

Know You Are Your Story, Not Your Circumstances

I am in a shitty season of life right now. No way around it. There are so many very good things going on for me and my family but there are also some really rough things we are working through at the same time. And it is not easy. However, I know my story. My story of triumph over tragedy. My story of character in the face of disgrace. My story of doing what's right regardless the cost. I also know my family's story and it is very similar to my personal one. We have experienced tough times before. We have seen plenty and scarcity. We know and experience joy and love. We are supportive of others and have received support. We have fun in spite of what we "see." We focus on what's important and let go of what's not. Knowing our story has helped us not focus on the circumstances we are currently facing. We are bigger than what's going on right now - good or bad. Our ability to "be" during trying times are what make us who we are - not what is happening around us.

Remember, Life Is Seasonal

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. - Ecclesiastes 3:1 NLT

When life is good, I often forget to enjoy it fully because I just keep pushing. I have made it an intention to focus and enjoy life more in the last 18 months or so and I am glad. For fully enjoying life when it is good helps bolster you when it is challenging. Savoring life's blessings big and small gives you good practice when facing rough waters. The ability to see it all as fleeting and seasonal is wonderful perspective that builds resilience. Resilience makes storms appear as the temporal challenges they really are. Keeping a seasonal outlook to life is good business.

Share Your Heartache

Perhaps the most challenging for people like me (and I imagine many others) is opening up about your pain. One human reaction to pain is resistance and another is shame. We hate being in pain and will often deny it but even worse is our tendency to hide it from those with whom we share our lives. Thankfully, the last two years have seen me sharing my pain and letting others assist me in carrying  the burden. This one action has trumped the other two because it gets me outside my own head. It allows for added perspective on my trouble and enables others to help me with solutions. Further, people want to help. We deny them the opportunity when we hold our challenges in secret. Allowing others to share your heartache breaks your heartache into smaller parts and thus makes it easier to endure.

So, while I am looking forward to a new month that will hopefully give way to a new season, I am prepared either way.

3 Ways To "Be" When Trouble Comes To Town

When we hit crisis mode, our next steps matter most

If you live any length of time, you will face a crisis or some type of adversity.  Whether it be relational, vocational or deeply personal, crises are the great equalizer of human beings. Hardship is part of our human reality - a "given;" operating smoothly through hardship is optional.  Here's a few tips to help you exercise that option:


Be Still

When you hit a rough patch, it is normal to feel like you must "do something." Our senses are heightened. Often times, much is happening around us, related to us. We feel compelled to action. One very good way to react is to be still. Literally, do nothing. Don't make any declarations or decisions in the heat of your rough moment. Breathe more. Seek solitude. Withdraw from non-essential commitments and just be. There is no need to make any moves when crisis first hits you. You have to absorb what's happening so you can truly understand what you are to do next. That happens best when you are still. Find respite and do nothing as much as you can during your storm.

Be Discerning

Merriam-Webster defines discern as to detect, to recognize or or to come to know mentally. You need to discern whom to include in your crisis. Be very careful only to share your crisis with people who are known to be helpful and discreet. Identify that short list and keep to it. Equally, you have to recognize how things are different post-crisis. The temptation will be there to try and "normalize" life or get back to the way it was "before." Embrace your new normal. Resistance only causes more pain. Take time to notice how different things are and acknowledge your role. Only spend energy on things within your control, letting go of all else. Surround yourself with love. People you love. Activity you love.

Be Ready

Life has put out a challenge. Things are not as they were and now you must respond. Being ready for change is the hardest aspect of managing adversity.  We get angry and stuck reviewing what we could have done differently and in those moments, we miss opportunities to move forward. Push yourself to be ready for what your new normal will offer. For some people, that will mean examining areas where you just float through life and force yourself to "shake it up. " If the crisis didn't do that for you - you have to do it for yourself, now. If your crisis turned your routine upside down, embrace it. Look out for new ways to express and communicate what you are feeling. Notice people you did not notice before. Allow yourself to "go" places you don't normally go - both physically and emotionally. You would be surprised at what the universe can bring your way when you are ready to receive it.

Over the years, hardship and adversity has come my way many times. By implementing the advice I  just shared, I've found that my ability to manage those tough times has improved and stifled the long term impact them on my quality of life. I hope you find that, too.

3 Unhelpful Things Folks Do When A Friend Is In Crisis and How To Be Different

Do you know how to extend a hand during a crisis?

When people you care about hit a bump in the road, it can be super hard as a bystander. It often takes all we have to be on the outside of the crisis looking in. The immediate time following discovery of a crisis is so important. Whether your friend tells you or you find out another way, how you react to them in the early days really makes a difference in the long run. After many years being on both sides of this equation, I've compiled of list of the 3 unhelpful things most folks do when a friend is in  a crisis and what to do instead.

Nothing

Believe it or not, many people do nothing. They either 100% avoid the person during the crisis or completely ignore the crisis when they are forced to see them. While it is uncomfortable for you, it is worse for them. Nothing is really the worst possible thing to do when someone you care about is hurting. People need empathy and compassion when they are dealing with a problem. Proactively reach out to the person and let them know you are there for them. Nowadays, a text is good enough to gently send the message that you care, especially if you are unsure of how close your relationship may be. Of course, call if you share a deeper bond. When you see them, don't avert eye contact, give them long reassuring gestures to demonstrate your love and loyalty during their difficult time. Make sure you check in with them after the "initial" hit. Like earthquakes, most human crises have "aftershocks" and it takes time to return to their routine. Knowing people are concerned can really make a difference, more so as time goes on.

One Up


If your friend opens up to you about the crisis and needs to share, do not "one up" them. Meaning, don't use that opportunity to relate a time you felt similarly or compare their current crisis with your own past crisis (or that of someone else)  - even if they are identical. During the crisis, people want to be heard. They need to vent and release the stress they are feeling. While relating stories are good in other circumstances, during a crisis, it is best to just listen, especially in the early stages. When people are in shock from their crisis, the last thing they need is to have to shift their thoughts and energy to processing a story about someone else. At some point, it will be ok to give your friend encouragement about a future state but during the crisis, it's best to just listen.

Crisis Overkill

Many people get wrapped up in someone else's crisis. It's human nature to do so. Being obsessed with knowing "how it's going?" or "are you ok?" can be very damaging to a person's ability to heal. Do your best to read your friend and discern their healing rate. Clearly, ask how they are doing related to the crisis but ask them about other areas of their life as well. Your loved one needs outlets and reminders that life goes on. Time often drags in the midst of a crisis and uncertainty. Every day tasks can be monumental when under tremendous stress. Bring dinner one night to relieve her of that responsibility.  Take him out for coffee and share with them something new going on in your life - unrelated to the situation. Give them a gift card for a car wash. Mow their lawn or come and take their dog for walk. Being helpful in a meaningful way gives hope. It allows your friend a moment of gratitude and gratitude is a proven cure for most ills.

Adversity and crisis are apart of life and inevitably,  relationships. Our role as friends may call on us to be by someone's side when calamity hits. Next time you're called to support, you know exactly what to do.

Grow Anyways Facing Drought Conditions

It is an extraordinary thing to be able to grow in a drought. Can you?

Recently, for 25 consecutive days, I'd say I was in a "drought" of sorts.  Literally, every other day from February 27 - March 22, I was challenged to my core on many topics related to race, gender, conflict - you name it - I was facing it.  But an amazing thing happened along the way.

I did not wallow.
I did not complain or whine.
I just felt it.
Absorbed the stress.
Resisted the urge to "runaway" or lash out.

I carefully and considerately asked with each blow - what is my lesson here? What am I to learn from this? How will I be different next time? Each incident revealed to me a nugget of wisdom, a clue of purpose and a theme that tied them all together.

Was I discouraged? Absolutely.
But more importantly, I was determined to grow in spite of what was happening to me. I was clear on how I'd make the most of each discouragement or disappointing situation. I was tuned in 100% to what I could do the next time I was faced with a similar situation. This stretch lead me to a glorious vacation where I was able to reflect and pinpoint almost EXACTLY why I'd just experienced such a season of turmoil.

I simply needed to adjust my coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms can also be described as "survival skills." They are strategies people use to deal with natural changes in life, stresses and pain. Mine were outdated on several topics and the stresses and occurrences I faced over that 25 day period were simply a signal to me to re-evaluate them and adjust them to my current needs.

Ever feel like you are facing something over and over and over and you don't know why? Chances are you need to adjust the way you cope to that situation and the universe is giving you practice to realign your energy around it. That's exactly what happened to me recently. And because I didn't fight it or throw my hands up, I was able lean into the adversity and come out with a clear solution.

Change your relationship with adversity and you will change your life.

What Is The Chasm Between The Life You Have and The Life You Want?

We own the way our lives "go."

Really.

No one else controls that.

I recently had some time away from work visiting family out of the country. During my time away, I had lots of time to reflect on the cycles we all have in our lives.

For some people, their lives look the same as it did last year and the year before that. For others, their lives look different but still don't look the way they want them to look.

Generally speaking, life is cyclical. However, the way those cycles come and go has everything to do with the following factors:

The Way One Thinks

The Way One Acts

The Way One Bounces or Splats

We have choices.  Our thinking feeds our actions. If we think that what we want in life is "unreasonable" or "out of our reach", then our actions will lead us to confirm those thoughts. If we feel our situation is hopeless, then we will act out of hopelessness and never move to a place of hopefulness. If we don't believe we have what it takes, we'll never act as though we do. And so we'll be in our cycle that never ends until we think and act differently.

Conversely, if we believe (even a little bit) in the possibility of something, we created a path for action towards it. If we think our situation can be better, we will open our minds to actions for making it so.

Finally, the way we respond to adversity also has a profound effect on our lives - do we bounce or splat? Folks that bounce, get up. They don't stay down long and depending on how much adversity they've faced, they keep moving just like a ball that hits pavement.  People that bounce often astonish themselves at how high they can bounce after their fall.

Equally, folks that splat have a hard time getting up, if they ever do. Many people that splat stay there in the spot where "it" happened. Often, without professional help, people who splat never recover from their adverse times and they are stuck in their adversity for their entire lives.

Such is the relationship between the life we have and the life we want.

Where are you in this journey? Are you living the life you want to live?

You can - starting today.

Examine your thoughts and how they feed your actions.

Look at and adjust the way you respond to adversity and disappointment.

Once you start this journey, you will not turn back. And you will be on the path to the life you desire versus the life you have.

Fight, Flee or Stand in Troubled Times

Wouldn't it be great if all "trouble" in our lives arrived dressed in this t-shirt?

You'd be forewarned.

You'd see it coming.

You could run the other way.

You could size it up upon its approach.

 Alas, it does not.

In fact, most "trouble" is not all that obvious at a glance.

Some "trouble" slowly creeps in and stakes a campground where and when we least expect it.

Other "trouble" comes in like a tsunami leaving many things destroyed in its wake.

The question is how do you deal with "trouble"?

Do you ignore it until you no longer can? or  Do you run at it, full speed?

"Trouble" in life is guaranteed, moving forward through it is optional.

When faced with trouble, I don't fight or flee. I hold my ground.

I've been plagued lately with physical trouble and the residual inability to do all I'd intended in the last 5 weeks. It stinks. There are moments when I just want to weep or scream at the top of my lungs. And I've done both (many times) and felt better when I finished.

That's how I've been dealing with my trouble.

I am allowing it its season. I am not fighting it. Nor cheating it.

I am living it and embracing the stretches it's providing to muscles (the irony) I rarely use.

I am also planning and strengthening so I can prevent this specific "trouble" again.

I am determined to be better and stronger when this trouble passes.

How about you?

What do you do with "trouble" in your life?