Three Reasons Hidden Figures Reminded Me I'm Ready for Trump's America

The ladies of Hidden Figures and their actresses on screen

Hidden Figures could not have come out at a better time - for the country and for me personally.

This drama based on the lives of women who were literally hidden from the history books of one of the most significant accomplishments of NASA in history, John Glenn's orbiting the earth in 1962.

I loved the film from start to finish and there were three significant reasons why this film moved me as it did going into 2017.

Black Women As Humans

While the movie shows us the extraordinary intelligence of three very different Black women, it also delves into each of their humanness. We don't see super human fearless "strong black women," We actually see women with fears, hopes and dreams. We see women depending on each other and community for support. We see women standing up for themselves while simultaneously doubting if they have the right to do so. We see the true complexity Black women face as leaders both at home and in the workplace. This film "goes in" on the story behind the story that we often miss on film about ourselves. We see laughter, tears and gritting of teeth by three glorious Black women - we get a full range of emotions versus the stereotypical angry Black woman narrative. We do see them get angry but we also see them experience joy, satisfaction and contentment.

This was especially touching to me as I've explored how I tap into my full range of emotions. I was raised to be strong and even on a recent phone call as I was breaking down talking about my divorce, I was admonished to 'be strong" by my dad. He meant no harm but has no idea how strong I am letting myself feel my pain. It is counter culture for Black women. We are bred to push on and push through. So glad to see pop culutre catch up to my new reality.

Black Women Pioneering

I've often wondered if my spirit of ingenuity was just me or if it was innate in being a Black woman in America. After seeing this movie, I'm convinced it's indeed both. When you look in spaces where Black women enter as the 'onlies," we have a habit of elevating that space and it never being the same. Katherine Goble as an addition to the NASA task force team as a "computer" changed that team forever, how they worked, how they looked at their work and even how their work was received by the astronauts. Look around you today, so many Black women out of sheer brute force -  create, initiate and drive innovation in our country, most often in the shadows of mediocre White people. Yet, we shine anyhow.

Heading into the 7th year of my business, expanding our offering so much and taking a leadership role in driving equity discussion and action, pioneering is something not only I need to do, but something our country needs me to do. Much like the ladies in this movie, the conditions require my best thinking and resilience to drive our country forward to its true future. Then, it was the Space Race with the Soviet Union, now it's shaping what United States of America we will be - one that leverages and utilizes the talents and contributions of all its citizens or  a country that only cares about the advancement of a choice few. You know which one I'm working towards and like the ladies in Hidden Figures - we will win.

Black Women Having A Second Chance At Love (Movie Spoiler Alert)

The central character of the film Katherine Goble is a widow with three beautiful children we see early in the film. She manages her stringent work and mothering with the live-in help of her own mom. When a local military man moves home, her squad is adamant about hooking her up with him. The movie takes us through their awkward dating life which is scarce due to the hours she puts in at NASA to his grand and no less awkward proposal. There are only a few more subtle references to her marriage and we see very little of the relationship in the movie but it was significant enough that one of the films postscripts alerts us that Katherine and her second husband Jim Johnson recently celebrated 56 years of marriage together. Instant tears of joy from me.

Anyone who's been in my life or even casually observing has seen the way the dissolution of my 15 year marriage has wrecked me personally this past year.  Even as I am typing through tears to write this post, I am experiencing my first holiday without my kids and as a single person. I absolutely STILL believe that I will have a 20 year wedding anniversary. 15 months ago, I thought it might be with Isael Barreto but I now know differently. I know I am an amazing catch, perhaps pressed for time and focused on building a business and reforming government but still a woman who wants a partner. Seeing Katherine Goble meet and marry someone gave me life. Why? Some days, I cannot even imagine how I'll make time for a new man in my life and that stretches even more trying to imagine the man who will be man enough to love and cherish me with all my intensity and drive. But seeing that on film and knowing it played out in real life for another brilliant Black woman gives me hope.

Hidden Figures is a movie for such a time as this. If those ladies could excel and drive our nation's transformation back into leadership in the Space Race, under the conditions they faced in 1960s United States of America - BRING ON the next administration.

I am ready.

Family, Love, Acceptance: Relearned on A Beach Retreat

Family.


Love.

Acceptance.

The power and intensity around these words for me personally is practically indescribable. Each one a trigger of all kinds of emotions and deep seeded beliefs. As a person whose life work revolves around relationships and how to best grow and leverage them for good, I am intimately familiar with the contradictions that can accompany each word.

We all have family.

We all crave, want and need love.

We all deeply desire acceptance but know it's not always available so we can live without it.

I am deeply moved and forever changed by my experience with a "client", no less,  who showed me in a very real way that all those things are possible even in places where we least expect it.

This past Spring, a dear sister friend invited me to use my talents at a retreat for Black women executives who in work in philanthropy. Based on their desires, I created two workshops and quickly got the "thumbs up" from the planning committee. This event weighed heavily on my schedule as its confirmation fully booked my September 2015 calendar rendering me not one additional billable hour in May.  From day one, I knew this would be a history making event for me and my business, even if that the time I had not true idea why.

Fast forward to September 24 - my arrival day at the event. You could say I skidded to this event after 30 days of relentless travel. There were 9 workshops, 3 TED-style talks, 2 seminars in 5 cities touching countless people with my message of Engage, Collaborate, Lead in one form or another. The trip itself pushed me into American Airlines Gold status which was huge for me back in my days of corporate marketing travel on someone else's dime. I was exhausted yet completely stoked to lead and learn with a group of my peers - outstanding Black women executives. Don't even mention that the week was a great one for talented Black women in general. Even though I was on a plane, I did not miss the 2015 Emmy buzz around amazing Black actresses taking home statues  - Regina King, Viola Davis and Uzo Aduba.

Little did I know, that my contribution to the weekend would be the least impactful memory I'd have. From allowing me full participation in the planned weekend activities, to my divinely appointed work group Friday afternoon - every aspect of the ABFE Women in Philanthropy 2015 Leadership Retreat deeply touched me and renewed my faith in family, love and acceptance.

Family is a complicated matter with me. My family of origin is a complex and messy tale. Until recently, my marriage and family I built was my refuge and saving grace for the very word "family." While it is still together, many uncertainties abound about its future.

Love. Boy, do I struggle with this concept. See my Mother's Day post here, if you don't believe me. I have no problem giving love but receiving it is my achilles.

Acceptance is quite another story. I have learned to live without acceptance for much of my life. While I have always wanted it, especially from women who look like me, rarely was it extended to me. I've always been too different. Too loud. Too outspoken. Too smart. Too daring. Too driven. And now that I am well into my 40s, I simply don't give a damn if I am accepted or not. I have learned to live in that tension without diminishing who I am.

Imagine my sheer shock at getting all of these things - family, love and acceptance from a group of women who barely knew me.  Imagine feeling completely at home being who I am, delivering my best talents, sharing my heart and soul for a few days in paradise.  Imagine days later continuing to build those connections virtually and feeling the sense that someone - lots of someones - close to 30 someones HAVE MY BACK in all corners of this great country.

Thank you, ladies.

Thank you for sharing yourselves with me.

Thank you for allowing me to serve you.

Thank you for showing me that family, love and acceptance can be extended and shared in our community.

See you at the next retreat!

Signed,

Your new ABFE sister

Why I Chose "Love" This Mother's Day

Gift to Women at Willowcreek Church for Mom's Day

In celebration of women on Mother's Day 2015 at Willowcreek Community Church, all women were gifted with a pendant on a chain that had one of the following words: Hope, Grace, Love and Courage.

Sitting with my daughter in service, we almost immediately agreed that I should choose "Hope." After all, I have been the steady rock in our family over the last 9 months during an incredibly difficult storm that is only starting to subside.

Then, I drifted off again during service, thinking I might choose "Grace." I certainly understand and walk in a huge amount of grace with God and those who live with me. Plus my understanding of God's amazing grace has allowed me to extend grace abundantly in my life over the last 8 years or so.

I never thought about choosing "Courage" as it is emblazoned across my forehead and most folks who know and interact with me would call me brave, courageous, bold and all the negative nomenclature that remotely relates to courage.  I have a bracelet that says "Fierce" and I barely wear it anymore as people really don't need the visual cue - it's pretty apparent almost instantly.

That left "Love" as my only choice. My first inclination was to resist. Love is cheesy. I love, I reasoned sarcastically internally. But really the more I thought about it, my tough character is in a season where it desperately needs love.

To love and feel loved.

It is very easy and intuitive for me to "get stuff done." I can shut out feeling anything for days on end especially when there are clear needs and things that need to be done. Courage is second nature and almost as deeply engrained in my DNA as Hope. Hope is my fuel. And as I referenced last week, even a sliver of hope can be instrumental in pushing me forward sometimes to my own detriment. On a brain and heart level, I get Grace especially the  undeserved, abundantly flowing and unrequited kind. Grace was not easy but it was innate in my personality especially since I got married and became a mom. But love eludes me.

Just writing that sentence brought burning tears and a frozen tense state of being. I love. I love my husband, my kids, my BFF and hosts of other people but I struggle to feel love and be loved from others  - all those people included.

Let me be clear, it's not about stuff or cards or gifts or even time together. For me, love is about actions, behaviors and attitudes that display what someone means to you, consistently. Key word being consistent. It's why I struggle with holidays. Why do most people need external prompts to show our appreciation? Love is year round, day in and day out. And even if I struggle to express love to those around me, I don't believe I struggle in demonstrating it. I mostly struggle to see the love of others toward me and I know it's my own lens of love blocking it. Love is a very negative trigger for me and it feels un-American and certainly unmotherly to feel this way. All moms love "love," right?

So when the Teaching Pastor closed the service reminding us to choose  our pendant wisely and remember that part of the idea behind the gift was to select something that speaks to you now, precisely in the season you're in but that you will be on the look out for it as a need in others so that you may one day "pass it on."

That's why I chose "Love". I aspire to generously and courageously love and receive love in my life from the people I do my life with.  It's scary to think that I have courage, hope and grace so firmly figured out without love.  In fact, it makes me know that when I get a better grasp on love, all those other things will manifest in an even greater form in my being.

I am excited to turn some energy to "love" and see what I can do to soften the trigger reactions to it.

Be Intentional With Your Life Soundtrack

Stevie Wonder in his "second home" Chicago - credit E. Jason Wambsgans

Ever think that what you hear, intentionally or unintentionally, impacts you greatly? I'm pretty sure I understand that what we "take in" - in any form, shapes who we are and how we see the world.  I'd like to specifically tackle music for a few moments.

Seeing Stevie Wonder on his "Songs In the Key of Life" Tour stop in Chicago drove home a few very important points about the impact of music in our lives. While I have been very intentional with what music my family and I listen to, I am convinced that that is an exercise we all should practice. Listening to Stevie for 3 plus hours reminded me of my childhood and the impact his music had and continues to have on me as an individual.

Songs in the Key of Life was playing in the background for much of my childhood years. Released in the fall of 1976, this critically acclaimed album really became the soundtrack of not just my childhood but really my entire life. Track by track, I've listened to throughout my years, each having different significance at different eras.

Some of these songs swept me back to simpler times, when I as 6 or 7 years old and my extended family congregated on weekends in the basement of one of my uncles homes on Chicago's south side. Just hearing the opening bars to Sir Duke send a chill up my spine and makes me physically smell smoke - all bringing good memories of "get togethers" and lots of talking, laughing and eating with my dad's side of the family. I can see my dad and at least 5 of his 8 brothers playing cards around a table across from the bar.

Other songs empowered me to get involved in politics early in my 20s while living on Chicago's north side. They served as a reminder from where I'd come to where I'd had the opportunity to go. Battling the contrasts of what I saw - always from a distance - growing up to what I was experiencing as a new young adult emboldened me to speak up and stand up for those whose voices were often not heard in the greater narrative of our country's story.

Yet others gave me hope for love.  Love that was true, lasting and real and thanks to Steve's pen - attainable to me. From his loving tribute to his first born to his excruciating descriptions of love lost or worth fighting for, love became something I wanted and something I already had. Songs inspired me to love myself above all else as a vehicle for experiencing love with others.

I am certain that because of this album, I have been very intentional about what music I listen to, even in the background. Words, rhythms, beats and harmonies seep into our souls. We have a responsibility to be intentional about every one we allow in.

Thank you, Stevie for the reminder.

No Online Scrapbooks For Me, Ever

My scrapbooking process could never be replaced

For the first time since December 2010 before I had my right arm surgically repaired for radial nerve damage, I sat down to create a scrapbook. It was a daunting task that I'd started preparing for since late spring.

Once I decided this was going to be the weekend to crank out a book, it was on. During my initial layout process, I was quickly overwhelmed at how much work, time and effort goes into these lovely masterpieces. My oldest has 7 of these to my baby's 3. And he cherishes the ones he has looking at them at least once per month. My intention is to finish two for him and catch both kids up to the calendar year 2010 and I'm on 2008 now. I'd even posted on social media that I'd only "catch-up" the old fashioned way until 2010 after which I'd buy the more efficient online versions of my scrapbooks.

Yet, once I started my creative process, saw the gorgeous photos of my sweet little boy and all the colors, stickers and markers - I ate those blasphemous words. I'll NEVER substitute my masterpieces for an online scrapbook and here's the reason why:

I love putting these books together.

These books represent much more than the pictures, scraps of paper and shells that hold them. Every loving moment I spend cropping pictures, reliving the moments I'm immortalizing - I am closer to my family. The process itself puts me in a state of gratitude that is rarely replicated with any other activity in my life. I only discovered that after NOT doing it for almost 4 years.  It really got me to thinking about how we replace things that are essential to our growth with lower value alternatives. I also love that for a fleeting moment, I thought I could replace this treasured process with a quick online substitute.

Thank goodness I cannot.

And while the process is much longer now with the urge to document it in social media, a nosy dachshund walking all over my materials and curious kids asking questions and giving input to photo selection, I would not ever change it.  My goal to get one book done this weekend looked more like 4 of 12 pages completed. I am completely overwhelmed at the thought of "catching up" and have no idea how, when I'll do it, but I know that I will complete my good old fashioned scrapbooks in due time.

No Shutterfly short cut will do.

If Forced To Pick One, Love Wins at #GLS14

One of my favorite #GLS14 Speakers, Erica Ariel Fox

Days later, I am still unpacking all the great wisdom imparted on me at the 20th Annual Global Leadership Summit. For many months to come, I'll be sifting, sorting and applying much of what I heard. When asked over the last few days to, "give me your favorite idea," or "who was your favorite speaker," I've been a bit stumped. So many great concepts rush to my mind and all the quotes I was tweeting started forming in my mind's eye. No one thing or one person jumps out.

Carly Fiorina reinforced my original attraction to her as a leader and has added many dimensions since I first "met" her on the Summit stage in 2007.

Jeffrey Immelt illuminated and shattered my view of the "typical US based CEO" with his warmth, candor and humility.

Susan Cain taught me to learn from someone very different than my normal teachers.

Patrick Lencioni did not disappoint and drove home many thought provoking ideas.

Joseph Grenny, my favorite from GLS 2013, further solidified major keys to meaningful influence.

Erica Ariel Fox challenged me to better negotiate with myself while Allen Catherine Kagina encouraged me as a fellow public servant.

However, if I was forced to pick one thing that impacted me most at this year's Global Leadership Summit,  I'd have to say it was the overwhelming sense of love and compassion I physically felt every minute of every hour, I was on the South Barrington campus during the summit this year.

Maybe it was because of my tense and often numb reaction to what was going on some 310 miles to the southwest of us in Ferguson, MO.

Perhaps it was because I had the chance to meet,  connect with and receive amazing hugs from the current and former leaders of Compassion International.

Honestly, I cannot pinpoint exactly why I felt that love but it was real.  Love and compassion was in action throughout the two days...

In the eyes, hearts and hands of the volunteers I interacted with.

In every speaker's talk.

In the songs we sang.

In the comedy of Michael Jr.

In the lunch catch up with my kid's former ministry leader.

In the side conversations overheard while waiting to buy books.

In the replied tweets of new friends.

And while I may forget lots of what I "learned" at #GLS14 - I know I won't forget how I felt at my 8th Global Leadership Summit.

I felt loved.

Where I Learned Happy

Me and my college neighbor, Dina

People who know me would say that I am a happy, positive and optimistic person.

Without question, this is true.

A recent afternoon shopping trip reminded me of where I first "learned" that behavior. It was after my time living next door to Dina McReynolds at Judson College that I learned to consistently be positive.

Dina and I were alike in many ways but we are also very different. On the small homogeneous campus of Judson College in the early 1990s, we stood out. Not just because of our infectious laughter and penchant for fun, but because we were both very confident and bold in so many ways. We were both singers who graced our chapel stage for fun and for worship.

We both had our band of sisterfriends. And we both had our stories of pain and triumph.  I was very guarded and only let a few folks in, it was a tough road to truly get to know me because of my cynicism and biting sense of humor. Some days, I think about all the people who just recoiled when I'd intentionally say something to "test" their will to become my friend.  Thankfully, those days were cut short in 1991 when our group of loud girlfriends got assigned to live next door to an even louder group of girlfriends, who were seniors in Volkman Hall.

I'd been exposed to Dina from a distance the previous two years at Judson but really did not get to know her until that school year and the following two years after her graduation in 1992 and mine in 1993. Late night chats, treks to the south side to raid her closet and a host of other fun and crazy times marked our friendship. Dina singlehandedly taught me that I am a lightweight who should never drink or party past 10 pm. The summer of 1993, my first summer as a 21 year old working at U.S. Soccer Federation, for 30 days  I hung out with Dina and our crew. The Wild Hare. The Metro. Places I don't even remember - if they were in the city and were open past 2 am - we'd paid them a visit, trust me. By August 1, it was clear that I was not cut out to "hang out." But I was cut out to be perpetually positive.

Through everything, Dina always had a smile and a positive word. Even when folks were CLEARLY treating us poorly out and about, Dina always responded with positive energy. Make no mistake, she let folks know they were out of line but she did it positively. In fact, recently I was reminded that I have a gift of telling people to go to hell while convincing them to enjoy the trip. I'm certain my time with Dina influenced that skill.

Over the years, we lost touch but thanks to Facebook, we reconnected. And over the last two years, I've really recalled what she meant to me. Her energy, her passion for life and most of all her ability to lift others even during her toughest moments influenced me for good.  Dina has demonstrated that our happiness is not circumstantial. She has been a purveyor of love even when it hurts. I admire her strength and am humbled to call her my friend.

This year after not seeing her for over 10 years, I've seen her twice. Both times, we laughed and connected as if no time had passed. As I observed her, in two different settings, with different people, I realized her influence on me way back when I was struggling to find my own sense of self and my peace. There is no way I'll let so much time pass again.  I am grateful to have spend time with the person who taught me "happy."

Thanks Dina

My Circle of Life Moment

There goes another rubber tree plant

Over the years, whenever I heard the theme song from the 1994 classic Disney movie, The Lion King, it never meant much to me. I'd just sing along with Sir Elton John and reminisce about the great animated tale of King Mufasa and Simba's journey to his destiny.

This past April 1, for the first time ever, I had a personal connection to that simple song. The ficus "rubber tree" plant in the photo above was gifted to my very best friend when her beloved mom passed away suddenly. After the memorial, as we were clearing the funeral home of all their belongings and all the wonderful floral tributes to her, I was stopped in my tracks seeing this plant.

It was my circle of life.

You see, when my mom passed away in 1976, someone gave us a similar plant. I grew up with that plant and it was taller than me when I left for college in the fall of 1989. I loved that plant, for it represented so much. It was the vitality and  living breathing proof of my mom's existence for a very long time. I am not a green thumb at all but I did care for that particular plant. (I hear they are pretty hard to kill). When I left for college, I took for granted that that plant would be there or would one day be mine. I did not think to verbalize my love for that plant at that time. A series of unfortunate events happened over the years and along with all my baby photos with my mom,  that plant disappeared from my life. I cannot tell you I ever even felt the loss of the plant.

I've mourned the loss of my pictures many times but the plant was an obscure hurt that I did not feel again until that day in April standing in a central Illinois funeral home. I immediately felt drawn to the plant.  I mentioned to my BFF my story, briefly and succinctly. We were very absorbed in her grief and it felt selfish to even say it but I am glad I did.

Later that afternoon as we were leaving, she called me into the living room with her brother and her father and asked me to take and care for the plant in honor of her mom and my mom. I could not keep my composure. It's even taken me months to write this because the overwhelming emotion of thinking how amazing it is - this thing we call life.

Really.

This friend who was pushed off my lap in 1990 and almost wasn't my friend.

24 years of friendship.

A clear schedule on my calendar for the precise days she needed me.

A ficus plant someone thought to send.

If that is not the "circle of life", then I don't know what is.

Stop Wishin' and Hopin' - Start Doin'

One of my favorite songs of all time has just taken on a new and different meaning. Seven years before I entered planet Earth, a relatively unknown English singer released what would go on to be one of her Top 10 international hit records. Written by American songwriter Burt Bachrach and recorded by many through the years, Dusty Springfield's version of Wishin and Hopin remains my favorite. Always my go-to on karaoke night  and  high on my list of Denise's all-time favorites, I listen to this song often. Recently, while preparing for a string of days jam packed with business meetings, the lyrics fell on me in a new and different way.

Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'
Plannin' and dreamin' each night of his charms
That won't get you into his arms
So if you're lookin' to find love you can share
All you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and love him
And show him that you care

Clearly, the song is about love and being intentional expressing your love for someone who may or may not know you are there. Well, the same could be said about entrepreneurship.

Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' plannin' and and dreamin' each night... won't get you a successful business either.

This song speaks about specific action to make the man yours - "hold him and kiss him" "show him that you care just for him" "wear your hair just for him" because "you won't get him, thinkin' and a prayin' wishin' and a hopin." Dusty croons so eloquently that you must take action to make that romance happen.

Same goes with a dream. Entrepreneurs will tell you, you must act. Action trumps everything. Don't think of all the folks you know who may be able to help you, call them. And make sure when you call, you find a way to make them understand how you can help them or make their life easier.

Don't wait for the timing to be "just right" to start taking action, take action when it feels uncomfortable. Invest when it's a bit of a stretch, financially and otherwise. Calculate the risk and take it anyway.

Finally, believe when no one else does. Take action and believe you can make whatever you need to happen, happen. I was reminded last week of one of the first conversations I had about Relationships Matter Now over 5 years ago. My friend, who recently hired me to collaborate on a big brand marketing project,  reminded me how he believed I'd do this just by hearing my own belief in myself and my method of doing business in those early days. I had to chuckle at his memory because I was convincing myself at that time. Shortly after, I was solidly believing and there was no turning back.

Every time I hear that song and I think about this possibly shy woman in 1964 being told to "All you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and squeeze him and love him,  yeah, just do it And after you do, you will be his." Essentially, those words are pushing this woman to believe and seize the man she wants guaranteeing her that sitting around thinking and wishing and hoping won't bring him to her.  That same sentiment goes for that book you need to write, that product you need to prototype or that service offering you need to polish.

Stop wishin' and hopin' and dreamin' and start doin'.

Rest In Peace: A Message For The Living

Over the last few months, I have been somewhat obsessed with the phrase "Rest In Peace." I've been thinking about the implications of how we use that phrase for our dearly departed. Almost every where in the world, people wish dead folks peace. Ripples and ripples of peace wishes pour in instantaneously upon hearing of someone's passing - almost always directed at the dead.

Faced with mortality and death at a very early age, I have to say this fact has always bothered me and I did not know how to communicate my discomfort until recently. My conclusion is this... living people need peace. And we need it much more than dead people.

We should wish that everyone "rest in peace", daily.

Dictionary.com defines peace this way:
      1.) a state of mutual harmony between people or groups especially in personal relations
      2.) cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension

I love that definition. In fact, over the last few months as I've really examined when and how I wish peace on people.

When someone is faced with a trial or challenge, I send peace wishes their way.
When someone loses someone they love, I send peace wishes their way.
When all is chaotic in a situation and people are flailing about, I send peace wishes their way.

My new phrase has been "Peace, Love and Light." I send these wishes on social media and in hand written notes whenever necessary.  Just writing or saying that phrase lifts my soul and I've been told it does the same to the intended recipients. Many people only have a relationship with peace as it relates to death. I'd like to push that paradigm and shift our thinking to peace in life.

I am in a season of tremendous growth personally and professionally and a key driver of that growth is a shift in the way I think. I see evidence of my thinking changes every single day -  in the choices I'm making, in the interactions with others and in my behavior overall. Wouldn't it be amazing to be able to make a shift in the world based solely on the way we think about wishing folks peace?

So while I am not advocating that we stop using "Rest In Peace" as we do today, I am asking you to consider wishing living folks peace as well.  Find ways to send peace greetings and wishes every day. Resting in peace should be a blessing for the living.

Makeover Your Valentine's Day

We've all been inundated with hearts, pink lace and imagery focused on Valentine's Day since the dawn of this new year.  It can be easy to get swept up in the hype or cocoon away until it's all over. As we barrel down on Valentine's Day 2014, may I give a few suggestions on how to celebrate this commemoration of love.

Call someone you love that you don't talk to often

Send someone a handwritten note - get it in mail today

Do something you've wanted to do for yourself  - this week

Buy a set of kid's valentines and hand them out on Friday wherever you go

Hand make valentines for those closest to you instead of buying them this year

Make a list of all the things you love about your life and nurture them

Start a new tradition for Valentine's Day - solo or with others


Did you notice anything about the above list?

Love, in my opinion is active and all my suggestions encourage you to act out your love. It is very easy to say we love someone but showing it can be the tricky part. And this is especially true for expressing our love for ourselves. In order to give any love, to anyone, we must be adept at demonstrating our love for ourselves. The people around us take cues on how to love us by the way we love ourselves. Depending on your relationship with love, Valentine's Day can be a complicated or downright painful experience. We think if you take intentional steps to change the way you view and celebrate this day, you can make it enjoyable regardless your relationship status.

In our house, we celebrate our love for one another every February with a special Valentine's dinner and cap the evening with our own hand-dipped chocolate covered strawberries - we started this tradition when my oldest child was 3 years old and have kept it going strong for the last 9 years. Even if we have to celebrate it on a different day due to travel or move the celebration to a restaurant. Some years we exchange gifts, most years we do not. It is a given that we celebrate.

When I was single, it was only slightly different. I made a point to have dinner with a single friend and go to a movie every Valentine's Day. Some years it was a guy friend, other years it was girlfriends but I never stayed home alone on Valentine's Day. I did the kid valentine suggestion every year. It was so fun to see the face of the bank teller or the cashier at my regular lunch spot when I handed them a valentine and wished them a grand day. It was also a way to mend fences with folks at work I may have rubbed the wrong way - nothing cures ill feelings more than a Charlie Brown valentine attached to a dum-dum sucker. Even year's when I felt anxious or sad and believe me there were a few, I always made myself keep the traditions.

Valentine's Day, much like our lives in general, is what we make it.

Take time this year to change your relationship with Valentine's Day.

3 Timeless Lessons From Forrest Gump

It's the 20th anniversary of the release of Forrest Gump this summer

Over the recent holiday break, I had the joy of watching the 1994 film phenomenon, Forrest Gump with my two kids for the first time. It was so amazing to watch this classic film and experience it through the eyes of my 21st century children.

The way my kids anticipated the happenings of the film showed me how much more tuned in emotionally my kids are versus me at their age. The questions they had (which were few but really good) and the discussions they initiated reminded me of the power of fiction in our lives. I was also reminded of so many timeless and valuable messages that the book and film brought to life through the eyes of the simplistic man Forrest Gump. Here are three we could use more of nowadays:

True Friends Are Few and Precious

It did not go unnoticed by my 12 and 8 year old that Forrest had only a few friends in his life. Both kids immediately noted that his friendships with Jenny and Bubba were deep and lasting, even though they were so different. In the Facebook age, we often confuse what friends truly are friends to us. Friends make no regard for what we can or cannot do, they accept and love us for who we are.  Forrest was blessed to have at least two people at different eras of his life who loved him unconditionally. Both Jenny and Bubba loved and protected Forrest and he protected them both in return. Even in his passing Bubba provided inspiration for Forrest beyond what Forrest himself could truly comprehend. Friends are few and precious and even a simple man like Forrest Gump did not miss this.

Authenticity Trumps Every Thing

Throughout the story of Forrest Gump, we see the importance of being authentic. From his mom doing whatever was "necessary" to ensure her son had the best education to the moving scene near the end of the movie when Forrest meets little Forrest and frighteningly asks Jenny about his aptitude, we see so many people just being who they are and embracing it. Think about Jenny herself, abused and lost from her childhood days, she took risks and lived her life the way she saw best. Forrest embraced his own simplistic ways and continued to pursue activities in his life that honored his talents and strengths. Lt. Dan was another example of someone who had to face his actual life versus the one he'd planned in his mind. And each one was able to live in peace once they accepted their authentic selves.

Love Begets Love

From beginning to end, we see examples on top of examples of love and how love begets love.  Mrs. Gump's love towards Forrest, despite the hardships they faced, her single motherhood, his physical and mental disabilities, is a clear picture of instilling love from the beginning. Unconditional, tough, honest and cultivated love.  We see how the love Forrest was raised with permeated his life, causing him to befriend Bubba and not even blink as it was counter cultural at that time. That secure love bond made it easy for him to keep his word and share his fortune with Bubba's family even when no one would have been the wiser had he done otherwise. Forrest and his unconditional love for Jenny since their childhood days allowed him to stay connected to her throughout their lives and gave him the chance to spend her last days on earth attending to her. That initial seed of unconditional love planted in Forrest in his youth blossomed and gave fruit again and again throughout his life.

It's hard to believe that 20 years have gone by since Forrest Gump entered pop culture and taught us so much. I am grateful to be able to re-live and learn again with a new generation. Friendship, authenticity and love are the most valuable lessons I learned and live daily from the man from Greenbow, Alabama.

3 Truths I Take Into My "New Year"

Last week, I turned 42 and it was an amazing week full of contrasts that led up to the big day.  Like any week, there was joy, pain, bad, good and an overflow of lessons that I feel compelled to share. Three in particular jumped out of my head today.

Conflict Is Good

No matter the topic, no matter the players, conflict is good. Conflict provides an opportunity to reflect and understand both yourself and the opposition. When executed healthily, conflict can be a conduit of greater intimacy and/or growth in a relationship. Even unhealthy conflict alerts you to people, places and situations that need to be removed from your life. Use conflict to grow and expand. Don't shrink from conflict even if you are not good at it. You cannot not build muscles you never exercise. Get in the ring every now and then and go a few rounds. It will do you good. Besides, if you are never in conflict, chances are you are doing nothing with yourself and need to step it up.

Inferiority Is A Lie and Optional

When people treat you as an inferior, it is only optional that you accept that treatment. We have every opportunity to repel inferiority messages and behaviors, in the moment or later. This one is big especially for soft-spoken or less confident leaders. If you are second guessing yourself due to the way someone else is treating you, it is imperative that you quickly regroup and regain your true standing. Step back and recite the truth of who you are versus the message of inferiority someone else placed on you. Repeated exposure to inferiority messages start to stick unless you combat it and combat it with all you have. Spend time with folks who treat you as equal as soon as you can after a dance with inferiority. And always cast off inferiority messages, preferably on the senders but always get them out of your head and heart.

Love and Admiration Cures All

Sprinkled throughout the week were opportunities for me to see that I am truly loved and admired. Whether it was a meeting with a client that ended with a thoughtful birthday treat or a another meeting with a new friend/colleague where I was given feedback on the reaction to my debut presentation at a statewide conference, I was reminded that I matter and that the work I am doing matters more. I had a conversation where I was reminded that I was trusted. Mixed in with regular birthday greetings on my Facebook wall were heartfelt expressions of love and appreciation of me. People from every era of my life took the time to connect last week from all over the world. For every tough moment I faced, there were many more tender moments all waiting for me to accept and discover. Love from my family and close group overflowed and filled me. I cannot even express how blessed I feel - I had a George Bailey moment more than once this past week - "It's A Wonderful Life" My life is wonderful.

There were many more lessons, big and small, but those three will carry me in this new year of my life and I hope they will inspire you in yours.

Be All In or Leave

This faucet is funny, who would ever choose lukewarm? I'm sure there are some

Almost two months ago, I heard TED sensation and shame researcher, Dr. Brene Brown say something that moved me so profoundly I can't shake it, to this day. As she taught rom her bestselling book, Daring Greatly, she asked us to be courageous and engage in our lives and our relationships. She spoke eloquently about the lasting and deep damage of what I will call "the drift" in relationships.

Every person reading this knows exactly what I am talking about.

The lackadaisical hug and routine kiss from a spouse with nothing behind it.

The obligatory weekly call to your parents/sisters/you-fill-in-the-blank where there is no real interest in the information exchange

The "uh-huh, uh-huh, I know what you mean" empty words you get in return as you pour out your heart to your partner.

That pal who never gets around to calling you back yet swears he misses you and "wants to hang."

Surfacy chit-chat in hallway at the school function with a friend that ends with the promise to call or "get together soon."

While it may be easier to "hang on" and fake it, people need you to be honest. This reminds me of a painful but necessary split I had back in 2001 with a person who up until that time had been a great friend to me. While it took me years to understand and heal from the blow of the "break up," I am grateful she did it. It took courage for her to tell me her truth about where our relationship had gone from her point of view. I salute her honesty, even though it stung me for years. In the end, I was better off knowing that she was over the relationship - regardless the reason or how she severed it. She gave me the opportunity to have closure and move on with my life, without her.  She gave me a gift, when she could no longer be all in, she left.

To everything there is a season, including our relationships. It is perfectly fine for a relationship to come to an end and in many cases very healthy for all parties. We all deserve people in our lives who want to be there. We need to be connected to people who want to connect with and know us.  Our dignity, peace and growth as individuals depends on these truths.

Don't drift.

Be brave.

Ask for what you need/want/desire.

Be honest when you are no longer getting it.

Let people go.

3 Things Necessary To Truly Discuss Race in America

Unless you live under a rock, there was no escaping a discussion on the topic of race in the United States last week. Our country has a painful and long history of racial discord and while there have been many strides made, there is still a long long way to go.

Nothing tells us this more than when we have a lightening rod event such as the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the February 2012 death of  Trayvon Martin, an unarmed  17 year old,  last week. The emotions on all sides of these issues run deep and wide.  Both sides are asking painful questions:

Are all white people racists?

Are all black males criminals?


Could I have been George Zimmerman? Am I biased, bigoted or prejudiced because of race?

Could I have been gunned down just for walking down the street in a hoodie? Could that have been my son?

What about the violence in black communities? Why aren't they mad about that?

Why is the country split on this decision about George Zimmerman? Once again along racial lines?

I don't have the answers to all the above questions but like everyone else, I have an opinion. An opinion reached by the perspective of my experience in this country to date.  Regardless my opinion on the Florida case, my contribution to the overall race discussion is a follows: We will only resolve race relations in our country by building genuine relationships across racial lines.

This whole conversation on race changes when three things are present; trust, respect and love. It is impossible to have a honest dialogue about race with someone if all three of the above are not present. This applies even within the same racial circles.

Trust equal safety, safety from fear of judgement or retaliation. When you can speak your mind to someone you trust, you don't have to preface anything. You can say what you need to say as well as hear what someone else has to say, the trust opens the door to honesty.

Respect equals validation and validation empowers more discussion. When you respect someone, it only means you give them the freedom to express especially when you disagree. Respects allows the space to dig deeper and deeper into issues and that space produces productive opportunities for resolution around the sensitive topics related to racial issues.

Love wraps it all up. Where there is love there is no fear. Where there is love there is a genuine interest in preserving the relationship above all else. When you love someone, you can empathize with them easier and empathy allows you to feel what they feel. It is difficult to say destructive words of generalization that may fall on someone you actually know, care about and love.

The next time you find yourself in a discussion about race, run the test of trust, respect and love across the relationship before you utter or type one word.

We can change America, one relationship at a time.

Best Parenting Advice Ever

Yesterday, my son had his first communion. We are not Catholic so this was not the "first communion" in that sense but it was the first time my son has participated in the sacrament of communion at our church.

One thing I noticed, right away, was how he observed his dad and I.  He watched each of us closely. Our posture. How we held the elements. Then within an instant, he was sitting holding his elements exactly as we were.  I caught his eye and he smiled broadly as if to show me he was ready, like we were.

This struck me and has continued to touch me ever since. The rest of the day was normal but I was on guard. Thinking about my every move.

How do I react when my kids ask me for something? What is my posture? Tone of my voice?

What is my "go to" expression when they ask something I'm not too enthused to answer?

Where is my heart?

I asked all of this because it all matters. Not just on the big things like communion.

My son and daughter are building their cues on how to live by the way I live.

Am I grateful?

Am I humble?

Am I fearless?

Am I real?

Those are all traits I'd love to be know for but do I live them? Daily?

Well I can look no further than my own kids to see the answer.

Be the people you want your kids to be. Best parenting advice ever.

Go.

It's Our Anniversary, Every Day!

Isael and Denise Barreto - 13 years together - 12 married!

I am not embarrassed to let you all know that if it weren't for the Facebook calendar, I may have "missed" celebrating our anniversary this year - after 12 years of marriage. Yes, it was late in the day this past Saturday when I noticed that Facebook said I was commemorating my "anniversary with Isael Barreto."

I had to laugh.

You see, over the last 12 years, it's been sort of a cruel joke between us the whole anniversary celebration. In the early days, I wanted to celebrate and we were torn on which date to actually commemorate - March 27, the day we were legally married in the US or April 27 the wedding date. We whiffed them both, regularly.  You could blame it on the blending of cultures. On me, part cultural brainwashing, growing up in the US where we celebrate everything over the top and on him, growing up in Mexico where it is not as big a deal to celebrate your anniversary at all. You could also blame the fact that neither of us come from families where anniversaries even happened let alone were celebrated.

In 2011, we did celebrate our 10th anniversary with a great trip to Sonoma County California for fun weekend but apart from that we have sucked it big on celebrating our anniversary. And after a little reflection over the weekend, I'm happy to share why.

We enjoy one another, (most) every day of every year. We don't need to only celebrate our longevity on the actual day it started. We laugh and reminisce often, with our kids. They know our story. We live our story of love, daily. So while it is fun to actually have others join in on the celebrating once a year, we don't have a huge need celebrate something we live out and are grateful for daily - our love story. We have a fantastic relationship with our anniversary. It is part of us all the time.  So it's become fun to eek out a celebration on the fly.

No cards.

No gifts.

Just us. And lots of smiles and laughs.

We'd have it no other way.

True Love At Its Best

Yesterday, our family had the most incredible meeting. Exact details of the meeting are not necessary to disclose but the fact that we had it and how it played out is worth sharing.

Like most families on any given day, we had a rough morning yesterday. Several weird interactions coupled with a few overreactions and we had a pretty sour start to the new week. Then our lesson at church challenged us to simplify our lives and figure out what replenishes and depletes us.

So at our lunch table, with markers in hand, and hearts and minds open - we talked as a family about what drains us within our own family dynamic.  Two adults, an eleven year old and a seven year old laid it out there for each other.

Warts and all.

It was beautiful.

And I know we are all going to be better for it. You see as a unit, we all clearly understand now what replenishes each other and what depletes each other - individually. It was a tough and often emotional conversation but it was necessary. Necessary for our harmony as a family as well as our growth as individuals. I am so very proud of our family and what we did at the lunch table yesterday. The strength and courage it took for each of us to be 100% honest and vulnerable with the people we love is without measure. Plus, our commitment to be replenishers for each other was also amazing.

And that is what love is all about.

Not the red hearts and fancy dinners or even our Barreto family tradition of chocolate dipped strawberries every February 14.

We displayed true love at its best yesterday.

Can you and your family join us in this? February is a month that reminds us of love so why not take the time this month to love each other enough to stop and figure out how you can grow each other?

We'd love to hear what happens for you!

Me! Me! Me! January is All About Me!

Every January, people all over the world come out of their holiday, year end festivity comas to self-reflect.

Like clockwork, all the imagery is about improving ourselves, we are encouraged to "turn over a new leaf" and get "back in shape!"

That is all fine except one thing. Self-reflecting, self-nurturing, taking stock should not be an annual ritual. It should not be a novelty that follows a time when we are universally encouraged to think more of others. Isn't brilliant marketing to quickly shift from the holidays when we think almost exclusively of others to focusing solely on ourselves - and especially our appearance? Brilliant and toxic - all at once. We are much more than how we look. We are spiritual beings and taking time to spend time thinking about and nurturing ourselves should not be annual pass time. We need to make self-reflection a regular pass time. Here are the reasons why:

What We Think About, We Care About

Have you ever noticed where you spend your time? It is super, no make that uber important to be mindful of how we spend our time.  Where we spend our time and energy reflects what important to us. Now, if you spend almost no time thinking about yourself, your actions, your needs - how likely do you believe it is that you will be able to move the needle in your life.  We have to give ourselves time and space to think about us - think all about me. What I love? What I hate? Where do I want to be someday? What am I doing to get there? We must think of ourselves and this is especially true for moms who tend to be among the most selfless folks on the planet. Thinking of and caring for yourself is not selfish, it is essential - especially if you intend to care for others.

Caring For Ourselves Makes Us Care Better For Others

This is a fact. I remember early in my motherhood, I had a martyr like view of being a mom. "If I can do everything for Emma, show her how much I love her, all will be well," was the chief deception I held in the early days. This was also present within my marriage. "I will do anything to show Isael that I appreciate him, his family,  his culture so he knows I love him," was the place I operated from. Then the demands of a second child arrived with sweet Evan and work pressures pressed in and one day I noticed how I'd skip a hair appointment or not make time for myself on a regular basis.  I got a glance of myself in the mirror and I was a hot mess. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked liked hell and felt worse. What did I have to give to my sweet young family? Nothing and I stopped that practice in its tracks.  Today, I am stingy about daily quiet time in the morning. I make time to run weekly. Monthly I get a manicure. I feel fantastic and that flows over into my roles as a wife and mom. I care for myself so THAT I can care for others.

I challenge you in the new year to take time for you every day remembering how it will help you and those you do life with. Taking time only once a year to reflect and focus on you is not nearly enough. If the daily ask is too big of a stretch, then I say start with "monthly me times".  Pick a time each month to think and do just for you. Then graduate up to weekly so that by the end of this year you can make your self-reflection and self-nurturing a daily habit.

Come back to our blog throughout this year and we'll give you encouragement in this task often. 

You are worth it!

Love Your Loved Ones

My college neighbor & her beloved husband, Khaldun Everage - RIP Khal

Last week, I was reminded in a real way to not take folks for granted.

My friend lost her husband of 14 years suddenly less than a week before his 42nd birthday. I can still barely type or speak of it without great sorrow. Both Khal and Dina are huge heroes to their families, friends and the community they have dedicated their lives to. One of the remarkable things about Khal was his undeterred love of his family and his greater family - the children served by Chicago Public Schools.

In celebration of Khaldun Everage - today on what would have been his 42nd birthday - I want to ask everyone to stop what you are doing and reach out to someone you love.

You are not promised tomorrow and neither are they.

It's hard to hear this but Khaldun served his purpose on Earth and was called home to glory. I am thankful to have had a miniscule part in his great life. I look forward to keeping his memory alive. Look at what he posted exactly 1 month before he departed this life:

Dream. Believe. Inspire. Dream - but you gotta dream big. If you don't, what's the point. Believe - in our children. There are enough people out here who don't. Inspire - our children to reach their goals. Dreaming & Believing are fruitless without inspiration.  - Khaldun Everage, May 6, 2012

Rest in peace, Khal and thank you for your inspiration.