Disappointment & I Are NOT Friends

Last week, here in Chicago there was a press storm on the current whereabouts of our Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. who is on an unexplained medical leave for the past 6 weeks. As the storm just grew and grew, family and friends asked for privacy and I was willing to give it. That's a reasonable request and one I am willing to respect. However, something I am not going to leave untouched is the commentary from his mom, Jacqueline Jackson at an event last week in defense of her son, the elected public official who is in a contest to keep his seat at the moment.

"I’m not ashamed to say he thought he was going to be a senator. He thought he was going to have a chance to run for mayor. And young people don’t bounce back from disappointment like me and my husband," she told the Chicago crowd.

I was stunned by her comment. Stunned, annoyed, offended and a whole long list of other words. My quick reply to her is this - you've done your son a disservice and next time, just stay out of it. Here's why...

We are all responsible for our relationship with disappointment in our lives. We can't just pack up and hide away and not answer questions as the young congressman has done - because we have jobs, families and others to answer to. It is even more egregious his method for "dealing" with his disappointment as folks have trusted him with their votes for many years now.

Disappointment stems from our reality not living up to our expectations. Disappointment is inevitable. Who doesn't dream big or strive for big accomplishments that sometimes elude us? For overachievers like myself, disappointment is a companion but one we often don't hang with on a regular basis and here are the three reasons why.

We balance our expectations with a dose of reality juice.

We live an existence of relentless perseverance.

We relinquish outcomes outside our direct control.

I absolutely get disappointed but I don't engage in self-destructive behavior nor do I dodge my responsibilities to wallow in my disappointment.  Each time disappointment comes - I greet it with  open arms - give it a big long hug which consists of me dissecting where my expectations could have been tweaked to fit the reality that set it in. I also sit with disappointment long enough to ascertain if, in fact, my expectation was unfounded by my own lack of effort or was it (as it is in many cases) just not my time.  We usually spend less than 48 hours together because my personality really works toward resolution and has a tough time resting with something (or someone) that is not contributing positively to my growth. 2 days of not growing is a non-stopper for me.

The best relationship to have with disappointment is one of acknowledgement and resolve to move forward. We cannot entertain disappointment for very long periods of time because then he brings his cousin, despair to the party. And from there, it all gets worse.

There is no way to prevent disappointment but you can manage it and its place in your life.

What do you do to deal with disappointment?

3 Ways To Bounce When You Fall

Do you bounce?

No, I am not referring to some hip new dance or referring to the slang term for leaving.

I am asking how you react when things don't go your way.

Do you bounce or do you splat?

Over the last 60 days, I've had the opportunity to bounce or splat many, many times. Some things in my control and many others outside my control. Yet every time I found myself bouncing back into life with more desire for success. I am wired to keep moving forward, to persevere - to bounce.

What if you don't have this in your DNA like me? What do you have to do to bounce the next time you get hit by a set back?

Try these three tactics:


Get Space

Retreat from the circumstance that is causing your pain. I'm not saying avoid it - I am saying allow yourself the space to process and understand all that is going on before you make any moves. No quick responses by email, not lashing out over the phone in the moment - just back away from the situation.  Give yourself and perhaps others the necessary space at the on set of trouble to properly deal with it. There is no set time. It could be 24 hours, it could be 48 - it all depends on the the situation. Can't get time space then get physical space - if it's at work, step outside. If it's at home - go for a quick walk or drive to get some space between you and the problem.

See Facts

Work with facts and not emotions. When things go wrong, we all get defensive and emotional and it is the worst thing to do when trying to bounce.  Remind yourself of the facts in the situation. State clearly what is fact and what is fiction. Write it down, if you must.  Your hurt feelings are not invalid, they are just unwelcome in the quest for resolution. Find a personal confidant that is not involved in the situation to vent those feelings to so you free yourself to actually deal in facts with the pertinent parties.  This is particularly important in business dealings. Our work is personal and when criticized is tough to accept, most often. Keep the discussions around the last set of facts that all parties agreed to and build restoration from there.

Create Alternatives

Most often even the greatest obstacles find resolution but in the moment of distress, how many of us seek alternatives? I always hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I find that when all is bad in one situation, thinking about and creating alternatives immediately soothes me. Putting my energy into unrelated projects and innovating in another area of my life almost always gives me new perspective on the situation that stumps me. It is also a way to soften the blow should the straineed issue not resolve. Recently, while figuring out an issue on one project - I injected new life and momentum in another project that sorely needed the boost.


While these actions won't necessarily solve the issue you face, they can certainly make it easier for you to bounce back when you fall next time.

What other suggestions would you give to someone who is looking to bounce in life?

Keep It Moving: A Tale of a Good Relationship With Obstacles

Credit: iq concepts @fotaglia

When you are working on something and it falls apart after hours and hours of investment, what is your first reaction?

After venting and thoroughly expressing my disappointment for a short period of time, I usually just Keep It Moving!

Really.  No joking.

Keep It Moving.

Life is too short to allow obstacles much time.

Obstacles come in many shapes and forms but are always identifiable by their ability to block our view from the goal. Obstacles obscure but never fully block the road to our goals.

Unless we let them.

My partner and I recently had a business opportunity crumble before our eyes over the course of a weekend. It was not pretty. I'll spare you the gory details but I will share this...

The sun had not set on the Sunday of that weekend without me already dusting off our original plan that we were executing against when our "obstacle" got into our view last fall.

The obstacle that we had was a good one, a gift. It did a few things for us....

1. Solidified our original commitment.
2. Strengthened our belief in our abilities.
3. Kick started us toward what we REALLY needed to be doing.

You see, I have a a fantastic relationship with obstacles. I'm constantly faced with them yet they never get the best of me. Even the big scary, expensive ones....I never take my eyes off the prize, the goal. I "keep it moving" toward my goal. Period

My favorite analogy is one that I can't believe I still see in this day and age... have you ever seen those people basically parked on the highway under the viaducts when it's pouring rain sideways? I can remember the first time I saw this driving on my own. I was tempted to stop and join them but just couldn't. To my surprise and now my delight - the crazy storm was really just a few clouds and stopping under the viaduct kept those folks from where they were going. Even temporarily, it was a waste when the road was clear a few miles ahead where it was lightly raining or not raining at all.

That's how I see obstacles... a raincloud that must be driven through.

What about you? What is your relationship with obstacles?