3 Things Necessary To Truly Discuss Race in America

Unless you live under a rock, there was no escaping a discussion on the topic of race in the United States last week. Our country has a painful and long history of racial discord and while there have been many strides made, there is still a long long way to go.

Nothing tells us this more than when we have a lightening rod event such as the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the February 2012 death of  Trayvon Martin, an unarmed  17 year old,  last week. The emotions on all sides of these issues run deep and wide.  Both sides are asking painful questions:

Are all white people racists?

Are all black males criminals?


Could I have been George Zimmerman? Am I biased, bigoted or prejudiced because of race?

Could I have been gunned down just for walking down the street in a hoodie? Could that have been my son?

What about the violence in black communities? Why aren't they mad about that?

Why is the country split on this decision about George Zimmerman? Once again along racial lines?

I don't have the answers to all the above questions but like everyone else, I have an opinion. An opinion reached by the perspective of my experience in this country to date.  Regardless my opinion on the Florida case, my contribution to the overall race discussion is a follows: We will only resolve race relations in our country by building genuine relationships across racial lines.

This whole conversation on race changes when three things are present; trust, respect and love. It is impossible to have a honest dialogue about race with someone if all three of the above are not present. This applies even within the same racial circles.

Trust equal safety, safety from fear of judgement or retaliation. When you can speak your mind to someone you trust, you don't have to preface anything. You can say what you need to say as well as hear what someone else has to say, the trust opens the door to honesty.

Respect equals validation and validation empowers more discussion. When you respect someone, it only means you give them the freedom to express especially when you disagree. Respects allows the space to dig deeper and deeper into issues and that space produces productive opportunities for resolution around the sensitive topics related to racial issues.

Love wraps it all up. Where there is love there is no fear. Where there is love there is a genuine interest in preserving the relationship above all else. When you love someone, you can empathize with them easier and empathy allows you to feel what they feel. It is difficult to say destructive words of generalization that may fall on someone you actually know, care about and love.

The next time you find yourself in a discussion about race, run the test of trust, respect and love across the relationship before you utter or type one word.

We can change America, one relationship at a time.

RIP Jenni Rivera - What A Difference 17 years Makes or Not

The late Jenni Rivera and her now estranged husband, former White Sox Pitcher Esteban Loaiza

Another young famous person is gone too soon.

With the news of the passing of "La diva de banda" Jenni Rivera sending shock waves through Latin America and across the Spanish speaking community in the United States, I'm no longer an outsider looking in. I am feeling this loss even though I do not listen to banda - the music that Jenni made a household name to most anyone who speaks Spanish in the world. She'd sold close to 20M albums and just released a new one in the last few weeks.

The last time the Latin world mourned someone with such charisma, beauty and potential to cross over into general market stardom was over 17 years ago when Selena Quintanilla Perez left this planet by an assasin's bullet.

I remember seeing the news and not understanding, at all the magnitude of the loss. As the death of any young person always grips me, someone who had to deal with death since a very early age, I could not fathom the blow that the Latin community seemed to take when they lost Selena in 1995. I'd never heard one song. I'd never even remembered seeing her on the Grammy Awards show the year before her death and I was a huge music fan.

After her death, I proceeded to learn all I could about Selena since really my only connection to her at the time of her death was that we were both born in 1971. I read articles, books, anything I could get my hands on in English and in Spanish to learn about this fallen star and why so many people were hurt by her parting.

I did this because of how annoyed and disgusted I was by hearing people say things like - "Who is she?"  "Why does this matter?" Of course, every person matters, famous or not -but my goal then was to spread myself outside my world - which at that time really consisted of very little outside "mainstream American culture."

That journey, the spring and summer of 1995 opened my eyes to a rich culture that had been in my life all along growing up in Chicago Heights, IL when the census count was most likely 30% White, 30% Black and 30% Mexican-American. I bet back then that many of the gals I grew up with in da Heights knew and mourned the loss of Selena and vowed that would not happen to me again.

The years that followed saw me do many many things to broaden my culutral horizon including travel to many countries in Europe and Latin America. I became fluent in Spanish because I knew it would help me as I worked for a Major League Soccer team start-up - the Chicago Fire. Mostly teaching myself via telenovelas and Spanish music. Amazing how the universe conspires to change your life when you are ready.

Fast forward to 2012.

LOTS has changed in my life since 1995, most notably, I am Mexican por matrimonio (by marriage). So you can imagine, upon hearing the news of Jenni Rivera's missing plane and subsequent crash that not only did I know who Jenni was - I'd actually seen her show, I Love Jenni on mun2, once or twice. I'd heard her music at a quincenera or even at my home as we flipped though the hundreds of channels on cable TV - a third of which are Spanish speaking in our house.

So what? You may be thinking...

Well not much has changed in 17 years. People are still in the dark about the "Jenni Riveras" of our country. Social media amplifies that now versus then - did you see some of the comments on the CNN stories or on Twitter?

"Who cares? I don't know her"

"Why is this news?"

Those were the most frustrating comments to me.  And they were the same comments I heard 17 years ago when Selena was killed. Famous American women not even recognized in our shared country. Yeah, our country. Jenni and Selena were both born here in California and Texas.  Both were groundbreaking musical artists who appealed to a huge and growing segment of the US. You could even say that Selena opened the door to Jenni's success. Their contributions to music and beyond were huge and growing each year with both women branching out into fashion and other industries with their unique style and appeal. And because their contribution to our American mosaic is still not quite accepted and valued, these women packaged their talents and sold them to millions of  people outside their home country. Nothing is wrong with that, I'd just like to see the day when we can accept that America is evolving and changing and everyone's contributions to that change is valuable. And until our relationship with diversity and differences changes in our country, we will continue to have more to the same behavior towards one another.

I'd love it if the next Selena or Jenni does not have leave these shores to make their fortune.

RIP Jenni Rivera, I'm glad I had the chance to know who you were.

No Water Cooler, No Problem: Hot Topics Have No Place In The Workplace

Boys in Chicago united in protest to handling of Trayvon Martin case in Florida. I love this photo.

The White Bronco Chase.

The Verdict.

Hurricane Katrina.

Kanye Dissing W.

Kanye Interrupting Taylor Swift.

Liar Shouted At The President in a State of the Union address

Those are just a few of the many times in my adult life when events have swept our nation up in a firestorm of conversation about race relations, racial tension or as some folks say "the race card" where people inject race where it should not be a factor.

Trayvon Martin murder.

Why did I separate the latest event? Because for the first time in my adult life I'm not in a "workplace" setting where I'm forced to interact with others as we all process our reactions, thoughts and feelings around very polarizing topics.

I've had the luxury to deal with this latest event 100% on my own terms. First, taking in little information and reading/watching as I wanted. No forced conversations. No reacting to the reactions of others.

Last week,  as the fever pitch of the Martin case came to a crescendo,  I found myself frozen in a state of shock. Finally realizing that as a mom to a vibrant little black boy of the tender age of 6 - that this harsh reality of our country's state of poor race relations could impact his life, fatally in an instant. I became obsessed with coverage for a few days and really didn't speak to anyone besides my husband,  save a quick conversation with my lawyer and friend-  a fellow black mom of boys.  A few other IMs with friends and one quick Facebook post has been all the interacting on the topic I could handle.


Nothing more. And I was glad that I no longer had the water cooler layer to add to my processing.  I  never realized before now, how stressful all those previous situations. Regardless where I worked, I was always one of few or the only minority in the vicinity and I always felt compelled to join the discussions,  no matter now painful. It was a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

Sit by and let opinions fly that were at times downright ignorant.

Join in the conversation at the "risk" of representing all black folks in the world with my thoughts.

Either way, I always dreaded going to work on the morning "after" these stories broke.

How refreshing it is to be self-employed as the current firestorm brews. I can opt-out of discussions with others or opt-in - 100% at my choosing.

I do believe that race relations are a worthy topic of discussion and welcome it but not at work. We have a far too contentious a relationship with race in the United States to really discuss it at the water cooler.

Do me a favor? Stop and look around your workplace. Look for opportunities to opt-out of these conversations in a global setting. One-on-one is another story. By all means - if you'd like to discuss this with someone you have a relationship with - do it. That is good.

I mean the literal gatherings or "water cooler" huddles that discuss volatile issues are bad news for most people involved. Remember that the next time we have one of these explosive topics hit the national news cycle.

What do you think?