A Birthday Wish

Betty Jean Jackson Wilmer (1951-1976) and me in 1972 or 3

Today December 12, 2011, my mom would be 60 years old.

She's been gone from this life since August 19, 1976 and it hardly feels like she was ever here.

In fact, the biggest imprint and proof of her existence dwells in me and my younger sister, Jeanine.

My hope for this post is to give some people out there, who wonder what ever happened to Betty Jean Jackson some glimpse. Think about it. We now live in an age when people "Google" folks and since today is her birthday, perhaps an old classmate or work friend decides that they want to know what happened to her. I want them to get it a hit and see this post. Snoop around and read more about me - the eldest daughter of Betty Jean Jackson (Wilmer) - Denise Wilmer Barreto.

Betty Jean met and married Albert Wilmer in 1971- I arrived late that year and they had another daughter Jeanine in April 1976 and she passed away four months later that August at age 24, four months shy of her 25th birthday. She was super happy she became a mom and was so very hopeful for the future when tragedy struck. There's not much more I know to the story but it is a beautiful one.

I gotta believe that the reason relationships matter so much to me is because of the absence of this relationship between my mom and me. With few photos and even fewer people around to tell me about her, I have repainted her in my mind and in my dreams.

It's a bit too painful nor can I actually articulate it all but I know one thing...

She'd be proud of what I've become.

She'd glow when she told people what I did for a living. She'd be telling everyone the secret I'd have asked her to keep until the new year.

She'd love my family and be proud of my attempts at motherhood without her.

Happy Birthday Mommy! I know you are smiling down on us from heaven.

Rantings From The Gal With A Close Relationship To Achievement - Part One

It is not often that I am out of sorts for very long. Normally, I have the ability to unpack what's bothering me, deal with it head on and move on to my next challenge or opportunity.

Today was not that day.

I have been bombarded lately with situations/people/instances where folks seem to just not be able to figure out ways to get to what they want in their lives.

Be it romance, peace, financial stability - you name it and people can't get it.

I am scratching my head as to why.

You see, I have strong and consistent relationship with achievement.

I'm not talking about extraordinary things, I mean everyday  - make a goal, attain it. Make another goal, attain it. Sometimes the goals are big and sometimes the goals are small. Regardless, it's really simple for me. Don't like something in my life, change it. Not happy with the way I look, work on it.

I am stunned at how difficult this seems to be for others right now.

Further, I am perplexed that people act somewhat annoyed when I start to troubleshoot once they share their woes with me. Clearly they did not get the memo from this past week. I'm a Maximizer and I can't help myself. No apologies.

At the urging of my supervisor at work, I took the StrengthFinders 2.0 and found out (well got more validation and perspective on what I already knew)  about my top 5 Strengths. And the one related to this post is Maximizer

The Shared Theme Description for Maximizer is this:

People who are especially talented in the Maximizer theme focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. They seek to transform something strong into something superb.

Thank goodness I read and absorbed this earlier this week because it explains so much to me about me and how I interact with others. It is just the way I'm wired to be disappointed when I see strong that can be stronger.

I hold myself to a high standard and it's highly unlikely that I'm going to "lighten up" on others - especially those that I see more than what they see in themselves.

I focus on my strengths as a way to achieve those things I want in my life versus looking at the obstacles or roadblocks in the path. I intentionally choose to grab on to the nuggets of hope and pour energy into them versus the boulders of doubt and "what ifs".

So this post is my non-apology to folks who want me to lower my expectations, "lighten up", or what ever other euphemisms you have for give up and settle for what life hands you. Not gonna happen for me or anyone who chooses to associate with me. I live to be the best I can be. Every day of every year. Forgive me for being temporarily frustrated when things are not the way I'd like them to be. While you're criticizing me for being so uptight - I'm already looking for solutions to make sure I don't get disappointed again.

Thanks for reading this rant.  Because there are 5 strengths - there will be more rantings. Stay tuned.

What do you have to say back?

Holiday Music: The Comfort of the Season

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One of my favorite comforts of the holiday season is the short time it's OK to listen to Holiday music incessantly. For me with a mid-November birthday, it usually starts the week of Thanksgiving and I get four full weeks of holiday music bliss.

My relationship with Holiday music is a one of the easiest I have...here are three reasons why:

Connection

Holiday music connects. Connects the past with the present. Connects distant people, places and things in your life. Who listens to Holiday music without getting lost in a specific holiday celebration? Good memories and sometimes bad ones are triggered by "that song." Our family is forever connected by a sweet song we heard for the first time last holiday - Toy Jackpot by Blackalicious. I know that in years to come when we hear the start of this song, laughter will ensue. This song is seared in our hearts and it will connect us wherever we are in years to come. I hate to say this but I am certain there will be a Christmas in the future where I am not going to physically be with my kids. Thanks to Blackalicious, we will feel connected in that moment. For sure.

Variety

Perhaps my favorite thing about Holiday music is how I can hear the same song sung by many different artists in a small time period and never tire. Take Winter Wonderland. Not the most emotional of songs for me but a keeper. How awesome is it to hear it by Ray Charles, Jason Mraz, Amy Grant and Jesse McCartney? Like life, I love how everyone brings their own interpretation to the same lyrics. So while it's the same song, it is very different depending on who's crooning at the moment. And that is one beauty of our relationships with others. We must not insist that they are similar, we must embrace how they are different and enjoy them. Love that.

Seasonal

Tell me you don't get this one. Holiday music everyday of the year would NOT make my holidays special. Now, as we are all prepping to reconnect with family and others in our lives we don't see very often - this is a huge thought. Enjoy the season because it is just that. A season. Not meant to be indulged in all year round. Perhaps this time of year is especially tough because of what some of the music connects you to in your past. Gear yourself up to look at it as temporal... a few weeks... a few hours. Don't get caught up in how annoying the time is but embrace the season and use it as a spring board into your fabulous new year.

Enjoy the holidays and all the comforts they bring. And here's hoping when you fire up the Holiday music, you'll be reminded of what it's meant to you.

Comfort is the perfect gift for everyone on your holiday gift list, so be sure to take advantage of Tempur-Pedic's Buy 2, get 1 free pillow offer! I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective.

What is Your Relationship With Success?

Kicking off the new decade of my life has provided yet another opportunity to reflect. Much is written about success, leadership, goals and motivation. Not a day passes that I don't find a post, or many, written on any of those topics. Instead of just spouting off a few lines about success, I decided to take a look at how our relationship with success really sets the tone for our life.

Friend or Foe

Would you call success a friend? Or would you call it the elusive non-starter in your life? Your experience with success starts with what you actually think about success. I see success as a companion. Not always in the forefront but always in view. Success is not some big win for me but rather a succession of small wins. Consistently.

By Design or By Accident

This one is big. I always lay out what my best case scenario would be. That is my vision of success. It does not always play out but having the vision makes it easy for me to recognize when it actually shows up. Clearly, there are cases when the timing is right and things just happen. I know that. However, your preparation for that moment matters when the iron strikes. So success still has to be at least envisioned to allow it to manifest at the opportune moment.

For Me or For Others

Another biggie. It is quite easy to look at others and compare your success level to theirs. I personally never do this. Success looks different for everyone. I rejoice when others have success in their endeavors. It is motivation for me to clamp down and achieve mine. It is never an option to see success only for others. Success is for me. I say it. I live it. Often times before it has arrived. I call it my "Michael James Jordan Rule". I play success over and over in my mind until it just starts to happen in real life.

My relationship with success is solid. We don't have issues - we just roll together and grow stronger as the years go by. What about you? How's your relationship with success? If not where you want it, how can you change that?

Equipping Kids For A Good Relationship With Money

This post was underwritten by BMO Harris Bank, which offers a matching $25 on a new savings account opened for your child through their Helpful Steps for Parents program. Learn more at bmoharris.com/parents.

At any given moment the wallets you see here of 10 year old Emma and 6 year old Evan, are full of cash bursting to be spent by its owner. Most often, cool heads prevail and said wallet retains most of its contents. But there are moments when desire, lack of reason and plain ole bad decision making wins and causes a Barreto kid to part ways with hard earned funds. And so begins our tale.

Many of us have a complicated relationships with money. And it starts as kids. I certainly did. We never seemed to have enough and so when I did have it - I blew it.  Things changed slightly when I started working but not much. To be honest, it wasn't until my cherubs arrived 10 years ago that my relationship with money changed drastically. It was then I made a conscience decision to teach them money matters early in life. 

Here are three things my kids know about money that most kids their age don't know:

1.  Time is money

Not literally,  but my kids fully understand that time spent at work gives us money to do our life. And as an entrepreneur starting several businesses, my kids are uber aware of what Mommy's time is worth. You may think that is crash but it happens to help with our choices of how we spend our time together. The kids understand that Mommy taking a full day to hang with them means a lot and is a sacrifice financially. And they make the connection to their allowances. They each get a set amount every two weeks in direct proportion to their extra contribution around the house. That value creeps in as we hit the dollar store or when someone wants to spend money on "The Claw". They remember what it took to earn the money and suddenly the desires change.

2.   Cash is king

Whenever we embark on a goal, the whole family is in on the savings toward it. Our kids know that cash is king with us. They understand the idea clearly of spending what you actually have versus the alternative. For example, we are going to Spain this Christmas and started saving for it in early 2010. Each month, we have watched together as our savings climbed toward our goal. It has been a fun exercise. We started saving for Emma's quincinera that we plan to host in Mexico when she is 15. Yeah, 5 years and 8 months before the event we started stashing cash for the big party teaching our kids a valuable lesson along the way.

3.  Generosity with money rules

My kids understand that they are fortunate and are eager to share with people who are not. I cannot tell you how many times my kids see a need that they can fill with their money. Interesting enough, we don't talk a lot about giving money away. We just do it often when a need arises and our kids have picked that up. Donating money to causes you care about is one of the most rewarding feelings one can have and it is amplified when you teach that value to kids. 

While these three tips won't make kids financial geniuses, it will help them start a lifelong positive relationship with money and it's place in their lives.

I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective. To learn more about BMO Harris Bank, visit their website http://bmoharris.com/parents.

Don't Get Lost On The Way To Your Goals

It's November already.

I feel like the year just started and I remember putting together the goals of 2011 as if it were yesterday.  Now as this year winds down and I'm bearing down on my 40th birthday, I am reminded of how close I am to my goals mainly because of the temptation to give up.

Yep you heard me.

It's that complicated relationship we have with the things we want in our lives. Most of us don't have such a tidy illustration as above when it comes to goals in our lives. We usually get lost some where in between "Stick To It" and "Reach Goal"

This is particularly true if your goal is not simple. For example - tomorrow I am running my second 5K race and I've found this whole running thing fascinating. How simple is it to say you're going to run a race and then plot out a training and go do it.

Super simple - I'm doing again exactly two months to the day since the first race I've run as an adult. I'm still not a runner but how cool is it that I can barge in on this sport simply by setting a goal and having minimal discipline and then executing? Very and I'm certain there will be many more races in my future - most likely 5Ks because I don't like running but I love the thrill of finishing a race. The cheering. The way my body creeks.

Easy.

Starting a business? Now that's complex. I've been on this journey for a few years now and finally have found some traction but have yet to land THE contract, THE partnership to free me from my "real job." The temptation is very real to give up.

The lost sleep pulling together projects in every spare moment.

The look on my kids face when I steal a call or check the email.

The exasperated looks from my husband as I pound away at this post.

It's enough to make a girl open the classifieds, look for a job and call it a day.

But not this girl. The problem with me now is I've tasted what its like to do your life's work. The thing God uniquely wired me to do. AND people have paid me GOOD MONEY to do it.

There is NO WAY I'm giving up now. And I encourage you all to do the same - dig deep. Remember that our lives come and go in seasons and the tough season before the light shines is the season you must push through. You must keep your focus on what you're working towards - not what you see today.

I am in the thick of the "Stick To It" season and not giving up until the hand tips over into "Reach Goal."

4 Ways To Speak Your Life Into Being

graphic credit kentoh via fotogalia

With each day, I am more convinced of this statement:

Your circumstances are just a reflection of what you believe your life to be.

Clearly, there are exceptions to this but in general I believe this to be true. For many of us, we have deep rooted beliefs about ourselves and our abilities, some true and some untrue. The key is digging into those beliefs and understanding if they are helping us in our journey to what we want in our life or are they the roadblock.

I could spend the next few paragraphs giving you the cliches and motivational quotes to make you feel good and inspire you to think differently but really that is only a temporary solution. Let's walk through 4 ways to speak your life into being.


1.  Identify the "what" that you are after

The number one reason people don't have what they want in life is because they don't know what "it" is. Without the "it" - it's tough to go get it. Stop today and make your dream list. I'm not talking material things or anything you can buy. Articulate your dream job. Describe your ideal relationship. Put pen to paper and paint a picture of the life you want. Don't feel silly or worry about what anyone would think about what you want. This exercise is not a one and done, either. Most dream lists are fluid, living breathing documents.

2. Build a personal Board of Directors

Go find a few folks you love and trust who you know love you and have your back. No successful company is without a board of directors and most successful people have them as well. Make it a diverse list - from all walks of your life - steer clear of choosing people who know each other if you can. Remember that these people must know you well and love you enough to be harsh when you need it.  These folks are the first people to show your dream list. They will help keep you accountable to pursuing it.

3. Start immediately with what you have

Don't wait for everything to be right. Forget waiting until the business plan is written. There's a verse in Ecclesiastes (chap 11 verse 4) that says -  "Farmers who wait for perfect weather, never plant." The same goes for our lives - waiting for the perfect conditions would render us never acting and that is no way to live. Start today. What if it's relational? Start with you. Don't worry about changing your partner or even finding a partner. Work on you and understanding what makes you happy and doing that for yourself. If it's business, take one step towards what you want. Immediately.

4. Talk about it. A lot.

Our latest business venture, Herradura Imports, LLC - started with a casual conversation years ago. Then this past spring, it came up again and so we started talking about it. With ourselves and subsequently with anyone who'd listen and guess what happened? People in our lives started offering up people in their lives. Connections were made. More conversations and now we are designing labels for a wine that we plan to bring to the US from Barcelona Spain next spring. Speak your dream into being. That's what we're doing.

Without question our attitude, work ethic and people we surround ourselves with also play a big role in bringing about what we want in our lives but you own it. And now you are 4 steps closer than you were when you started reading this post.

Go!