Transform Yourself Now With 3 Moves

What do you do when you know change must occur in your life?

If you are like most people, you resist. You first deny and then vehemently fight and finally, reluctantly acquiesce.

I am one of those strange folks who run toward change. Leap on the transformation train. Drive others around me to look for opportunities to change.

Currently, me, my family and my business are in a huge season of change and I find myself resisting the personal change that is thrust upon me.

It is easy to see change that must happen in others. How quickly do we diagnose and "solve" for change opportunities in the lives of others? We dissect and analyze with few data points and feel extremely confident that our resulting "answer" is solid. Slam dunk.

However, when it comes to our own transformation, we are blinded by the data. We are impaired by the narratives we've built to survive and thrive until this point. I am facing huge personal change and find these three tips very helpful.

Get Outside Help

Yes. I said it. Enlist a counselor, therapist or coach to get you where you need to be. I am so excited right now. As I foresaw some of the change that was on the horizon and sensed my own resistance to it, I started asking around for resources. Last Spring, a therapist was recommended to me and I was excited to learn that she had an office very close to my intended new location. That was no coincidence. Further, we connected well and have begun to lay out a plan to get me where I need to be.  Asking for help as a Type A - Enneagram 8 head strong Scorpio like myself is a tough, tough act. But it's also an amazingly freeing one. As the person who helps others both professionally and personally, it is imperative that I open myself up to outside help. How can you offer and deliver well what you yourself will not accept? So I have a B.E.S.T. coach for my whole self, a therapist for the emotional journey and some professionals contracted to help me with the business side of my current transformation. A dream team - unleashed to move me from here to there.

Make A Plan

Now this is not a concrete, set in stone plan but a framework for what it is you'd like to see through the change. In my case, some of the change was self-driven and some was thrust upon me. Either way, I need to start to crystallize in my mind's eye what the other side might look like.  I am not committing to the outcome but merely imagining what could be. Not only is it fun and cleansing to do, you'd be surprised at how making a simple framework starts to unearth resources that you may have never recognized without some structure to realize them within. My family's move to Evanston is a classic case of this point. We landed on Evanston after extensive research. We started to walk toward it without a specific plan in place but with some framework - a few thoughts on location and budget but the rest was up to the universe. And boy, did the universe deliver. This is also playing out in a few other areas of life right now. Trust me. Put even a skeletal frame together and watch how it opens doors.

Be Vulnerable

Open up. Share your story. Again, I cannot state enough how important it is to keep it real with as many people as possible. You have no idea who may be a resource in your transformation. Additionally, the ability to be vulnerable is without measure because it will cause you to rethink how you view yourself and the world around you. One of the things I've noticed is that my narratives, the ones I've built that have rocked and got me to this point are tired and no longer serving me. That is a very tender and raw space but again, I see the value. Busting my myths and replacing them with real truths about who I am, what I'm capable of and who deserves to be part of that journey is an unbelievably difficult task. And had I not enlisted help and made a plan, I'm pretty sure I'd have turned back as I face my own vulnerability.

Whatever you are facing that appears impossible or insurmountable most certainly is your chance to transform yourself to overcome. Whether its personal or professional, the first major transformation or one of many you've experience in your life, NOW is the time to run toward this next chapter with all you have. 

Enlist support. Set some goals. Expose yourself.

You can do it.

3 Facts About Change I Learned From Cherries

How you do anything is how you do everything - B.E.S.T. Coach to me in early 2014

And once again, it was food that shed light to me on how I approach life.

I am a berry gal. Raspberries. Strawberries. Blueberries. Blackberries - pretty much any berry except cherries. I cannot tell you why, how or when my aversion to cherries began but as long as I can remember, I have not liked cherries.

Until now.

A few weeks ago, my husband came home with a big bag of fresh cherries. Even the kids questioned the purchase, we don't normally get cherries. Within minutes the bag was devoured by the both Barreto kids and the mister. I passed with no questions asked. The next bag came and went as fast as the first and the next thing I knew cherries were on the grocery list. 3 bags in, my kids asked why I was not joining them. I simply declined with some quip. But my youngest insisted I "try them again." I ate one and remembered the tart flavor, hoping to keep them from asking me again. Week by week, I started picking them up in the store and familiarizing myself with what a ripe cherry looked like versus a prematurely picked one. Each bag disappeared as quickly as we bought it and now cherries are a fruit staple in our house.

This morning, my breakfast bowl of fruit was equal parts cherries, blueberries and strawberries.  What changed? How is it that just 6 weeks ago, I would not have touched a cherry let alone many cherries? What does my cherry story tell you about change? As my family in embarking on a huge change, I could not help but reflect on how my cherry story is very similar to any change in life and why I'm so glad I'm eating cherries today.

First, change requires humility. The courage to recognize what you don't know. Many folks lack that. Imagine how silly yet really telling it would be if I stuck with my "I don't like cherries" line. I didn't know if I liked cherries, I hadn't eaten them in years. Instead of balking, arguing or making my family force me to try them, I readily recognized that I knew little about the cherry besides my very uninformed opinion that they were less than strawberries, blueberries or raspberries.

Change also requires education. When you don't know, it's better to admit that and commit to "finding out." That's right. In the early days of the cherries coming into our house, I observed the family eating them; which ones they winced at, which ones brought a smile. I was even watching the brand name and noting the farm they came from. By the time, I randomly grabbed a bag at the store, I was well educated on how they'd taste.

Finally, change is life giving.  As silly as it sounds, my snacking is so much better now that I have cherries added to the mix. The tart flavor offsets the sweet fruits I love and am accustomed to. Further, adding that variety to my palate opened the door to new desserts I did not have just a few months ago.

While the analogy of cherries may seem trivial, think about all the applications of this story. Is there a recurring theme in your life that you've been resisting or ignoring? Have you been nudged by those around you to explore something or try something you insist you don't like?

Humble yourself and check it out.
Educate yourself and see what you learn.
Allow your life to be changed by something small.

My cherry transformation was 5 weeks in the making and I'm glad because that is a representation of how I view change overall.  Always remember, the way you do anything is the way you do everything.

Cheers.

Don't Look Back, It's Bad Luck

Photo (and blog title) credit to Sarah Morgan, her view on a recent cross-country move.

It's not often I get inspiration both visually and with words from the same source. But that is exactly what happened last week in my Facebook feed when I saw the above photo. Posted by my friend who just had a sudden move from Southern California to the Southeast, the cool pic was captioned, "Don't look back, it's bad luck."

What a perfect metaphor for life. With change being the only thing we can ever truly count on in life, it's very easy to stay put and hold on to whatever is familiar.

The stressful work situation.

The strained relationship.

The dream deferred.

The unpleasant living arrangement.

The failing business plan.

That's why I was drawn to my friend's post so intently. I actually know what it's like to "not look back," both personally and professionally. And while I don't believe wholeheartedly in luck, I do know that in order to really make progress in life or in business - you do have to leave what's in your rear view mirror, in your rear view mirror.

Regardless your relationship with change, it is imperative to look ahead and not look back. It's why the most important message when moving from "here to there," is all about why "here" no longer works or serves you.  The picture must be painted clearly of why "here" is not where you (or those you want to change with you) need to be.

You must be descriptive. You must be explicit. And you have to be real with what the true consequences are for holding on to your current circumstance.  When people around you encourage you to stay "here," you have to articulate why it's time to move "there." As events or happenings frighten your move from the comfortable "here," be ready to remind yourself and those affected that "here" is not going to solve what only moving "there" can attempt to tackle. Finally, you just have to take a few steps away from "here," - make the mental and physical shift away from "here." Then and only then, can you truly move forward to "there."

And once you have a glimpse of "there" and you start making decisions and moves toward "there," "here" will take its proper place.

In your rear view mirror.

2 Tactics To Keep The Change You Worked So Hard To Implement

Changing the way you think is THE hardest thing to do but so worth it

7 weeks into this new year and it is already kicking my butt. 2014 is proving to be a most challenging year because I set out to do something this year, I've not done so intentionally at any other time in my life - change the way I think.

You see it all over inspirational quotes every where - "change your mind, change your life"" or "change your thoughts, change your behavior." While it is perhaps the most cliche of all inspirational thoughts, it is without a doubt the most difficult change to put into action.

To start 2014, I did a drastic diet, The Whole30 - a  grain-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, legume-free program designed to change the way you eat. Sipping my black coffee today is evidence that it did indeed change my eating habits but that is not why I set out to do the program. I did the Whole 30 to examine the way I think unconsciously about everything and it worked.  Turns out denying myself all my "favorite" and comfort foods for 30 straight days was a doorway to also releasing some long held notions in my brain.

But releasing them alone was the easy part. Recognizing limiting beliefs and thoughts was easy while I was 100% focused on it due to diet and its natural constraints on my eating. What's been difficult is keeping myself from falling back into the same thought patterns now that I am "back to normal" eating wise. Here are two tactics I'm employing that you can use to implement change in the way you think:

Active Reversal

I made that term up but it is really effective. Active reversal is when I catch myself thinking in ways I was thinking in pre-Whole30, I stop and question myself out loud so I hear the words running through my head. This has been a hoot, especially when others were in the vicinity. Having to explain that I am "catching" myself in an old pattern has been a phenomenal way to break it. Additionally, transferring thoughts into active live words help me to see the absurdity of reverting back. Here is an example: One of my challenges (I'm actively trying to abandon) is building a narrative for others. When someone fails to communicate with me well, most often, I just "make up" what's going on  in their head, in my own head. I could write a whole post on why that is so crazy but let's not digress. Recently, while talking to my husband and he was somewhat unresponsive, my mind started to create the words he was not saying so I stopped and said out loud, "he did not say that or anything, let's let go of your narratives, Denise." Not only did we both get a good chuckle from the insanity of me stating this but my husband got a glimpse of why we have been having conflict and took to heart my need for more clear communication.

Positive Pile On

Just the opposite of my previous tactic, Positive Pile On is when I see myself embracing or being open to a different way of thinking, I do one or more things to keep this going. Sometimes, I commend myself - out loud. Atta girl! or Good thinking! are two of my new self-cheers. I also take a moment to record it -either in a journal or in my Awesome Jar where I record all kinds of great happenings to be read at the end of the calendar year. I also share my triumphant new way of thinking with my closest friends/family. Having those around you see you thinking and behaving differently is a very effective way to keep you moving forward. I can remember vividly over this past weekend texting a close friend about a major shift in my thinking and her reply was priceless - she texted back simply "Wow. That's powerful stuff!" Positive piles ons from others are just as important as you own as it is tangible 3rd party evidence of the change. It is very easy to be insular in our change, that is where we fall into self-deception. Having external reinforcement and accountability makes it real.

Changing your thinking and subsequently your behavior is very hard. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.  Take heart and remember why you wanted to change your thoughts to begin with and use all the tactics necessary to keep your change alive. It is so worth it.

The Birth of Easy, A Novel

Yeah the last thing I needed on my "To Do" list was to write a fiction novel.


Really.

There are so many things I've yet to accomplish in 2013 on my objectives list, it certainly could have done without a new book project.

But that is the beauty of this story and my life. I am open.

Open to possibility.

Open to hurt.

Open to failure

Open to change.

Open to the scary "what ifs" of this life.

Last week was another tough week in a string of challenging weeks in my life this year. Yet, I went to Dallas on the promise and hope of a new business breakthrough. Little did I know the "breakthrough" was not external but internal. Helpless to my exterior situation, I turned inward to soothe myself and came out with a full blown fiction novel idea. By Friday evening, it was full outlined and ready to be written. A few "facts" to know about makes this incredible:

1. I do not read fiction. Haven't read fiction in many years, probably the last time I read a fiction book was pre-2001 (before marriage and first kid) Think - Bridget Jones as the last fiction. I know, pathetic.
2. I often question how anyone has time to read fiction - not my genre at all. Not an interest in my body  for fiction as a reader or a writer.
3. I am slammed with 4 projects in the works and many proposals out for bid. Really, I am at my busiest since I started my business.

Yet, I have to write this book. Now.

Don't ask me to explain it, I just know in my heart this is something I need to do. So I'm off to do it. And to make this insanity complete, I've shared my intention with my world already. That's right, I've announced it. Spoken with a potential copy editor and priced out design services.

I am even living up to my own promise to myself to sequester myself for optimal writing opportunity. A book writing retreat is scheduled for the DoubleTree Suites one month from today. I fully expect that 32 days from now, my first fiction manuscript will be complete.

So I'm taking my own advice, I tweeted this the day before I birthed my book, Easy, a novel -

"5 things the last 24 hrs taught me: don't assume, be specific, trust yourself, always ask & use frustration as fuel forward #2013Fearless"