3 B’s of Feedback For the 21st Century Leader

More than any other time in history, we live in an era where people crave and thrive on feedback. With the widespread adoption of social media tools in our lives, we can see, in real time, how everyone around us acts and reacts to our every move. This desire and craving does not stop when we enter our workplace. Now more than ever, it is increasingly important that 21st Century leaders understand the importance of feedback and how it impacts performance for today’s workers.  This trend calls for us to take a look at the delicate relationship between feedback, coaching and evaluation. In theory, these concepts are somewhat interchangeable, but in reality there are very important differences in the delivery of each. Today, we focus on feedback. While informal in nature, feedback is a critical tool in an arsenal of leadership resources to properly manage performance and get the best from our teams. If utilized regularly, it can be a tremendous asset to managing and improving performance.

We believe the onus for how feedback is utilized in work relationships falls on the leader and here are three ways to make feedback a key tool for success:

Be Clear

Make sure when giving feedback to an individual you separate the person from the behavior or action. Make it clear in your language exactly what you are giving feedback on. Try not to use absolutes like “always” or “never,” as most often they are not applicable. You must be direct but always deliver your truth with grace. Give examples in the recent past of the behaviors or actions you’d like to see. Not only does this reinforce what you want, it shines a light on what you don’t want.  Do not mix challenging feedback and positive feedback. Give them the challenges as stand alone feedback.  Clarity is often elusive in work environments so it’s important to address challenges when they occur.  Outline where a breakdown has occurred and allow space for you and your subordinate to solve it together versus you solving it for them.

Be Collaborative

One major difference between coaching, evaluation and feedback is the opportunity for collaboration on what’s next. In a healthy feedback loop, there are opportunities for co-creating solutions. Smart leaders know that they alone don’t have all the answers especially when it comes to bettering the performance of another human. We must be collaborative in our approach to feedback so we get a positive result and the change in behavior or action we want and believe we need. We have to make sure feedback in useful and actionable; that positive feedback reinforces behavior we like and collaborates on ways to spread it to others while challenging feedback opens the door to finding better ways to work together toward our goals and objectives.

Be Open

In many ways, this is the most important part of the feedback circle. You must be open to hearing the response to your feedback. Perhaps, your co-worker is in a very difficult time in life and has a very legitimate reason for the change in behavior or maybe something you or others in management have done created the disconnect you’re now giving feedback on. You also have to be open to receiving feedback. Once you open the “loop” of feedback to give to others, you must be willing to accept feedback about your actions and behaviors and you need to vocalize that. Don’t assume your team knows you want feedback, be direct and ask for it.


Following these tips can open a feedback loop that will raise the bar of performance in any work setting. Not only will it strengthen the performance management process, well executed feedback solidifies relationships and make for a better overall work environment for all.

Why Relationships Mattered In Chicago's Mayor's Race

Almost one week ago, a small percentage of voters in Chicago made their wishes known. They wanted a choice to the current Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Let me start by saying, I don't have a true horse in this race as a suburban Chicagoland dweller. Yes, indirectly, my life and business are affected by the viability of the great city of Chicago but I want it clear that this commentary is coming from an outsider's view.

Relationships mattered a lot in the 2015 Chicago Mayor's race. Really, the lack of relationships mattered most.

I have followed Rahm's tenure as mayor and it has been contentious. And, my goodness, why wouldn't it have been? He followed the 22 year reign of Richard M. Daley. Chicago was and continues to be at a crossroads. The gem of the midwest, Chicago has always had an underdog feel to it. Second to other parts of the country in a host of categories yet gritty enough to claim leadership in a select few areas, Chicago has always had a "Phoenix" feel of rising from the ashes of one setback to a bigger and better place, again and again.

Rahm Emanuel swept back in town with tight business and Washington ties and connections that he promised to use to bring Chicago into a greater position to live up to its promise as the heart of the nation.  From my seat, he did lots of that. He has strengthened the city's position as a tech hub contender. He set an aggressive energy and sustainability agenda that he's been successful in executing. He increased access to STEM opportunities for the most under served students in the city.  He's opened access to free early undergrad education to any high schooler that qualifies.

So what's the problem? Why is Emanuel facing a runoff by a candidate he outspent 12 to 1?

It's not what he did, it's how he did it.

People think Rahm Emanuel is ruthless. Google his name and not one article is written without reference to the term "ruthless operative." People don't see Rahm as a leader, they seem him as an operative. I don't know if it's true but I know he could have managed his perception better had he built authentic relationships throughout the city. I can relate to Rahm on the perception of being cold and heartless. 

As a leader, I have the ability to make tough decisions and compartmentalize my emotions as well. People perceive that as being heartless. I get it. And to some degree, I do believe it's slightly true with me. The first and best nurturer in my life passed away when I was 4 years old and that fact absolutely plays into the level of compassion I am able to have and convey. But I learned early in life that no one cares that I grew up without my mom. People expect me to be sympathetic. People expect me to be empathetic. People expect me to care about them and what affects them. That was and continues to be true in any setting I operate in and want to influence. 

Therefore, I make it a point to surround myself with other leaders with bigger hearts than mine. People close to me, who advise, guide and often times, represent me and my business when I cannot. They are my team. Hand cultivated and selected to compliment the areas where I am deficient.

Where is Rahm's team? Again, it is a spectator sport,  for me, watching Chicago politics. I don't gain anything with Rahm or his challenger Jesus "Chuy" Garcia at the helm in Chicago's City Hall. As a fellow leader who is known for making tough decisions and having tough conversations, I'd be remiss not to send a message to Rahm.

Dear Mr. Mayor,

Do the work. 
Build relationships with your constituents, not just the important ones. 
Curate an advisory staff to help you navigate and relate in areas you are deficient. 
Be inclusive, gain insight and co-create solutions with the people most affected by your decisions.
And enable others to lead. 

It may be too late for this election but these truths are evergreen and can go with you where ever you wish to lead.

Signed, 

A fellow tough leader.

#2015Unshakable - 3 Reasons I'll Be Unshakable This Year

There is nothing like consecutive days of rest to crystallize what's important and focus a person. After what felt like weeks (but was actually days) of full nights of sleep, eating my favorite foods with my favorite people and almost no work - I am ready for 2015.

As I brainstormed my theme for this new year, I was torn between two words - relentless and unshakable. The two words are somewhat similar in definition:

Relentless: showing or promising no abatement of severity, intensity, strength, or pace -  sustained; unremitting

Unshakable:  not easily panicked or upset -  utterly firm and unwavering

The one distinction for me came in the imagery I wanted to project. Couple that with the rocky way 2014 ended, I needed to focus on why 2015 will be different for me and my business. Here are the top three reasons I will be unshakable in the coming year:

Prioritize More Strictly

I will be even more selective in how I spend my time in the coming year. I thought I was really good at this but the final two quarters of 2014 taught me that I could brush up on many areas. The two areas I will focus on the most will be my media consumption and how much I give of myself to others. Media is partially my life. I love it. I create it. But late in 2014 as our country's discussion of race and social justice escalated, I found myself drowning in consuming great commentaries across all medias. No more. This includes social media. There is so much great content out there and being curious by nature makes it difficult, at times, to honor boundaries. In 2015, I will be more diligent about this and prioritize my consumption even more. Secondly, I am a people magnet and I do get lots of energy from genuine connection to others. One of my greatest gifts is my ability to connect with others, deeply.  But I also get lots of energy from alone time and I yielded lots of my solitude late in the year. Over my break, I read and absorbed some amazing wisdom from Chobani Founder and CEO, Hamdi Ulukaya. He said in a recent Fast Company article, "The more time you give to the world, the less you give to what you are doing." With a new book releasing and a full PR blitz, I am anticipating that as 2015 unfolds, the ability to prioritize what I give to others will be even more critical. 

Feel More

In my triad of change, my go-to and best strategy for managing everything is structure and my second choice is behavior or action. My "achilles" is perception or feelings. I hate to feel. It drains me so severely that I have built many mechanisms over the years to avoid feeling most often. And while, I recognized that fact late in 2013 and spent lots of time in 2014 working on it, it was not nearly enough. The final quarter of 2014 dropped like a ton of bricks from 50 stories above me.  There were so many good and bad things to feel in that final quarter of the year and because I'd pressed many months without feeling much, it crippled me. By the week of Thanksgiving 2014, I was depleted and barely limped into my vacation 4 weeks later. Never again.  I need to push myself to feel more as I go along and stop "batching" my feeling episodes. It is futile to avoid feeling. In the NY Times Bestseller, The Fault In Our Stars, one of the characters says - "That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." That quote reverberated my soul when I heard it. It is so true and not only for pain but also for joy and goodness. We must allow ourselves to feel, even if feeling drains energy at higher rates than other activity as it does for me and many people like me. 

Replenish More Often

You know the saying - work hard, play hard. I am the incarnate version of that saying. I love my work and I love my play. Since becoming my own boss, I have struggled with transforming what replenishment means as an entrepreneur. When I worked for someone else, I had little issue with completely unplugging for the 4-5 weeks per year I had off.  I had no remorse not answering email or even reviewing until I was 100% back in the saddle. Now, I struggle to completely unplug. Partially because I am in a critical growth time in my business but mostly because my income depends entirely on the effort I exert.  For an overachieving Type-A, that is heaven. Bliss. But it is also danger and wrought with opportunities to destroy me and everyone I love.  My former definition of replenishment always required me (and my husband or entire family) hoping on a plane and getting away from home. Not even sure I can say former as I have managed to squeeze travel out of our condensed budget the last three years at almost the same rate as before. I love the challenge but need to figure out additional ways to replenish myself. I don't even know where to begin on this one as quenching my wanderlust is a key priority and what keeps me married and not returning to my single gypsy life of yesteryear. I have to honor my need to see and experience the world but I need to find ways to replenish in between voyages. 

Getting those three areas of life aligned with intentions and actions will surely make me and my business #Unshakable in 2015.

What's your theme for the new year?

If Forced To Pick One, Love Wins at #GLS14

One of my favorite #GLS14 Speakers, Erica Ariel Fox

Days later, I am still unpacking all the great wisdom imparted on me at the 20th Annual Global Leadership Summit. For many months to come, I'll be sifting, sorting and applying much of what I heard. When asked over the last few days to, "give me your favorite idea," or "who was your favorite speaker," I've been a bit stumped. So many great concepts rush to my mind and all the quotes I was tweeting started forming in my mind's eye. No one thing or one person jumps out.

Carly Fiorina reinforced my original attraction to her as a leader and has added many dimensions since I first "met" her on the Summit stage in 2007.

Jeffrey Immelt illuminated and shattered my view of the "typical US based CEO" with his warmth, candor and humility.

Susan Cain taught me to learn from someone very different than my normal teachers.

Patrick Lencioni did not disappoint and drove home many thought provoking ideas.

Joseph Grenny, my favorite from GLS 2013, further solidified major keys to meaningful influence.

Erica Ariel Fox challenged me to better negotiate with myself while Allen Catherine Kagina encouraged me as a fellow public servant.

However, if I was forced to pick one thing that impacted me most at this year's Global Leadership Summit,  I'd have to say it was the overwhelming sense of love and compassion I physically felt every minute of every hour, I was on the South Barrington campus during the summit this year.

Maybe it was because of my tense and often numb reaction to what was going on some 310 miles to the southwest of us in Ferguson, MO.

Perhaps it was because I had the chance to meet,  connect with and receive amazing hugs from the current and former leaders of Compassion International.

Honestly, I cannot pinpoint exactly why I felt that love but it was real.  Love and compassion was in action throughout the two days...

In the eyes, hearts and hands of the volunteers I interacted with.

In every speaker's talk.

In the songs we sang.

In the comedy of Michael Jr.

In the lunch catch up with my kid's former ministry leader.

In the side conversations overheard while waiting to buy books.

In the replied tweets of new friends.

And while I may forget lots of what I "learned" at #GLS14 - I know I won't forget how I felt at my 8th Global Leadership Summit.

I felt loved.

Grow Yo Self

Courtesy of Willow Creek Association

As a leader, it is imperative to make space to grow and improve.

Leaders must examine their leadership.

Leaders have to gain perspective on new and improved ways to motivate .

Leaders need to pause from leading and "fill" themselves with wisdom and actionable teachings.

Leadership requires refueling and rejuvenation.

Leadership necessitates sharing with other leaders.

Leadership demands honest reflection.

True leaders get this and take steps to intentionally make themselves better.

Regardless of where you do it or who you learn from, as a leader of anything, it is imperative that you take time, often, to grow yourself. Much like a favorite television character of mine chimes "treat yo self," I'm gonna chime, "grow yo self."

Growing yourself as a leader is the chief form of self-care. Whether leading a family or a team at work, leading of any kind demands growth. The responsibility of decision making and taking action is too great to be left to chance. Leadership encompasses followership and followers require care. One cannot care for others well if they are not caring for themselves. "Grow yo self" is not a joke or an option for anyone who leads in any way.  Here are a few ways, I grow myself as a leader:

Reading is great way to grow yourself. It requires attention and focused time, alone. You can learn from a variety of teachers and at your own pace. Not only does reading give you perspective you otherwise might not have, it makes you rest from your routine and break neck pace of living. And while I don't read as much as I like, it is a priority to read at least one book every few months to keep my learning going.

Fellowship with other leaders is key. I have several networks of leaders -  business leaders, political leaders and mommy leaders  - feeding into my growth. All these networks are intentionally formed and meet regularly. Sharing our challenges with one another fuels our individual and collective growth. Each meeting, whether by phone or in person, revives and rejuvenates me as a leader. They are non-negotiables on my calendar.

And every year since 2005,  another way I make space for growth is by attending the Willow Creek Association annual Global Leadership Summit. This annual August gathering, that subsequently travels around the globe all fall, has become a fixture on my calendar. Marketplace and church leaders from around the world gather to hear some of the best teachings in a unique format with many tools to take your learnings and put them in action. And over the last three years, as I've built my business, it's become a team experience. It's part of the compensation of working for Relationships Matter Now, LLC., even for contractors who work on ONE project with us.  This conference is part of the DNA of my company because my motivation and inspiration to start RMN was nurtured in the summits leading up to its incorporation in 2010.

Tune in to my social channels this week to get a glimpse. And take it as fuel to find your own way to "grow yo self."

6 Hours In A County Fair Booth Made Me Unstoppable

Not sure what it is but I've always loved the county fair. Or any fair for that matter. Roasted sweet corn. Hot sugary funnel cakes. The noise. The crowd. Animal smells.

Yeah. Love that.

This year, I woke up after my visit to the county fair feeling something different.

Unstoppable.

For the past two years, I've volunteered at the Democrats of McHenry County booth at the McHenry County Fair. And you may ask, "Why in the world do you feel 'unstoppable' after that?"

Well, it's simple.

Have you ever stood as a volunteer in a booth, at public event where you see people's disposition physically change as they spot you?

Have you ever had someone snatch their kid's hand away from a basket of candy you were holding out?

Have you ever seen someone almost break their own neck not to make eye contact with you?

Have you repeatedly been told "no"? Even before you stated anything?

Have you ever been called a baby killer to your face?

Have you ever had people argue with you unilaterally even when you were not arguing with them?

Well all that and more happened on my 5 hour shift in the Democrats booth at the county fair last week.  Now, to be fair (no pun intended),  our county is reasonably split - 45% of registered voters are Republican, 38% Democrat and the rest are Independent.  On paper, we should not be so outnumbered but the perception about our county is that it is overwhelmingly Republican.  And the behavior of most of the people I encountered last week would reflect that perception. You may be thinking - "what in world were you saying to those people?"

97 days until the election.

Know you have a choice in McHenry County.

Absolute power corrupts.

People who run unopposed do not work as hard.

That's it. I wasn't pushing anything or anyone. I was simply reminding people what a democracy looks like and yet I was met with some very vocal and non-vocal rejection.

And I love it!

Here's why:

I am in the arena.

I care about something.

I'm proud to stand by what I care about.

I'm stronger for looking people in the eye and owning what I believe.

Guys, I am not advocating that you go stand in a political booth. That is only for the sheer lions of this world, like myself. But what are you waiting for to stand up and get involved? Get out there and get in an ARENA, TODAY!

What do you care about most?

Education? Support a PTA/PTO. Go to school board meeting.

Economic growth? Get to a local municipal meeting. Question your officials.

Elderly care? Volunteer at a nursing home or assisted living facility.

Literacy? Join your local library "Friends" organization or run for library board.

Women's Issues? Call your local YWCA and get involved.

Whatever the cause, there is an arena waiting for its warriors. Every voice counts. All people matter. Stop buying into the belief that you cannot make a difference.

For every 5 rude and fearful people I encountered last week, there was one who silently walked by with the thumbs up. For every 5 people who stopped to tell me I was not welcomed or wanted in this county, there was one who stopped and thanked me for being there.


One man with courage is a majority - Thomas Jefferson

It's not rocket science. It's part of the human experience. And because of my time in that booth last week - I recognize my power as an individual contributor to this great nation.

When will you recognize yours?

Fruit, Seasons and Other Reasons My Peach Tree Grew Me As A Leader

Young peach tree with fruit. Something I won't see on mine this year.

We have a very young (less than 5 years old) peach tree in our back yard, very similar to the one you see in this photo.

Only difference, is this year,  for the first time in three years, we will have not fruit. There are no baby green peach buds on our tree now or will there be.

As a family we'd been watching for them but they have not arrived. There are so many reasons for that and trust me, as I've mentioned it to folks for the last few weeks while I digested the news, we've gotten lots of input as to what "wrong."


"This past winter was brutal."

"There are drought like conditions in Chicago this year."

"Many crops failed this year with the short spring."

And one very wise woman at a farewell party this past weekend asked a question, she inquired, "Did you guys prune that tree well last year?"

Being that I only deal with the indoors in our household, I don't even remember what I responded but I have been thinking about her question and all the related terms ever since.

Fruit.

Seasons.

Pruning.

As a leader, those are three very important concepts to tune into, often. To be effective as leaders, we have to think about fruit, seasons and pruning.

Fruit is the product of our work. Leaders have to challenge themselves often to assess the fruit in their lives, the fruit in their work, the fruit in the relationships they cultivate. Fruit is one way of "taking stock" along our journey. Fruit can be a measurement of our efforts. When we have lots of luscious healthy fruit, it can be correlated to direct intentional actions. And while fruit is not the only thing that matters, it is a significant indicator on the work we leaders do day-in and day-out.

Seasons are also indicator in our lives. We have seasons of growth and change. Depending on the leader, those can be fun and invigorating times or tough, uncomfortable periods. Seasons also remind us that everything is cyclical. No season lasts too long or too short. Seasons come and go just as they need to for reasons we never truly understand. Our understanding lies in grasping that a season is a short and finite opportunity to impact something or someone.

Pruning is a process of cutting back to have more. And while plants generally let us know of their overgrowth and it's very tough to ignore, in a leaders's life pruning is a bit more subtle but just as important.  In life it is not always easy to "see" where pruning needs to occur.  But if we look closely, it is actually easier than you think. We must prune away people, things and processes that hinder our growth as leaders. When we look to grow and move forward, we must always look at our current situation to know what we need to leave behind to foster that growth.

It's amazing all the lessons my young peach tree taught me when I stopped to listen. In a way, I got fruit from it this year,  after all.  Now, I hope we don't have to wait too long to see actual fruit again. 

Meet the New Kid On The Block of Inclusion Strategy

One side of an #inclusion postcard we'll debut this week

This week, Relationships Matter Now will debut at the Forum on Workplace Inclusion, formerly known as the Multicultural Forum on Workplace Diversity. It is the 26th annual event and even the name change indicates a new wind is blowing through the inclusion and diversity space.

A small but mighty team from Relationships Matter Now will be present in the Resource Expo as well as facilitating an interactive workshop on the topic of co-creation on Day 3. Being new to an established space always carries a degree of risk and this is especially true in the volatile space of inclusion and diversity. Regardless of where a company is in this journey, the road to building an inclusive, high performing work environment is filled with ups and downs, stops and starts and lots of uncertainty.

Relationships Matter Now is leading a new and fresh discussion about inclusion. We welcome the participants of the Forum on Workplace Inclusion to our tribe. We are a growing community of people and organizations who believe,  as the founder of Relationships Matter Now, Denise W. Barreto believes, that...

Nothing good is ever achieved without healthy vibrant relationships between humans.

As such, we strive to build the best possible human relationships in all environments where we serve. Relationships Matter Now intends to change the world, one relationship at time. We did not set out to revolutionize inclusion and diversity strategy in America, it just started happening. We want you know that we don't have all the answers. We also want you to know that our biggest asset to any partner is our ability to ignite discussion and engagement of associates on all levels. We know that the inclusion and diversity strategy for your company is already within your company, in the people who work and lead there. We are experts at drawing the strategy from those associates and building alignment and programs to support it.

We believe in co-creation and will facilitate a discussion on how to better co-create with Employee Resource Groups at the Forum this week. We have partnered with many government and non-profit agencies to build more inclusive strategic plans and have assisted with inclusion strategy and programs at several corporations including The Home Depot and W. W. Grainger. Each month, brings new and more opportunities to drive home our belief that at the heart of all inclusion and diversity strategy is transparency on leading and leadership competencies. Once an organization identifies and clearly articulates what it takes to lead within its walls and takes the time to identify the leadership competencies they seek, casting a broader net to find candidates is the final step toward building an inclusive and high performance work environment.

Relationships Matter Now is the partner to lead you on that journey, regardless of where you are today. We are excited to be the new kid on the block.  Learn more about The Forum on Workplace Inclusion here.

I Am Mandela. You Are Mandela.

As I stepped off the plane from a quick trip last week, my breath was taken away by the news I read in my Facebook feed, "RIP Nelson Mandela." Of course, I knew the day would come when we'd say goodbye to cultural icon, Nelson Mandela who was 95 at the time of his death. I just was not prepared for that day, just yet.

Ironically, I'd just read an excerpt from a recently release book of a friend and noted racial reconciliation author, Ed Gilbreath.  Remembering Birmingham is a short e-book that reflects on the famous Letter from Birmingham Jail written by the late Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King. The complexity and conflict of being a leader of the civil rights movement was palatable to me as I read this quick tome. Earlier that week, in a conversation with my 76 year old father, the topic of my activism came up. My dad carefully asked me if I'd considered myself a radical.

I paused to really absorb his question and he immediately began to apologize and started to take back the question when I interrupted him.

"Actually, dad, that is a great word for what I am." We ended up talking about why I was OK with the word and what it stood for and we spoke about Dr. King and his work, specifically in Alabama as I was headed to that state that very week. After the conversation with my dad, I'd been wrestling with his question and my "full on" embrace of the radical label. Nelson Mandela crossed my mind during this reflection. I tucked those thoughts away as I prepared for my trip. Traveled to Alabama, accomplished what I wanted to accomplish and on the way back finally read the e-book I'd downloaded in October.

It is no coincidence that the conversations, reading the e-book and the passing of Mandela all occurred when it did. These events are all interrelated.

This all matters for one reason: A rallying call for me and my fellow leaders.

We are called to be radicals. Radicals for good. Radicals for justice. Radicals for equality. The passing of Nelson Mandela last week only solidifies my thinking about leadership and my own place in society. We can no longer wait for the next ... Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela. We are it. I am she. It's been clear to me since my early 20s and most of my actions to date support this. We are the leaders we've been looking for. Clearly the accomplishments of Dr. King and/or Mandela will never be replicated. It is a different time. We face some of the same issues but both those great men pushed doors open that must be continuously walked through by as many of us as possible.  In all areas of our lives we must continue to strive to lead from a place of integrity and lift up as many people in the process as we can.  Not only on  MLK day in January or Madiba's birthday in July but every day.

My heart is heavy at the passing of Nelson Mandela but I fully embrace the challenge to carry on his legacy. #IAmMandela

Get In The Arena

Upon doing something really extraordinary such as playing a championship game and coming up short, people often say, "I am just glad to compete," or "I'm so glad to be here." Until this week, I never understood that. Being the uber competitive and ambitious person I am, I could not understand how "just being there" was satisfying or fulfilling. 

Until now.

This week, my tiny company went to meet with a global multi-billion dollar corporation about partnering on a project. The meeting was the culmination of a few years of networking and building our reputation and was by no means a coincidence or luck. It was the result of a series of intentional actions and it felt amazing to be there. 

In the arena. Playing with the big dogs. And it was during my quick,  less than 24 hour trip to the headquarters of one of the most powerful companies on the planet that I finally understood the old, "I'm just glad to compete" saying.

There is a feeling of satisfaction being at the table sharing ideas with the best. There is a sense of accomplishment "just being there." Now, make no mistake. I want the business and intend to do everything in my power to secure it. But taking a moment to stop and reflect on being in the arena is important. 

The tiny "win" of being at the table for this enormous opportunity can challenge me in my thinking about this and other opportunities. Positive momentum of any kind can be converted into fuel. Parallel to that is the relationship building aspect of the meeting that is priceless.

For the first time in a very long time, I went into the arena without regard for the outcome but more open to what the arena experience was going to bring me. To have a company my size entertaining a partnership with one of the world's largest entities is beyond exciting. It is downright humbling and breath-taking. I want to soak it all up and not miss any lesson from the experience. And I need to do that before I shift my energy into moving this beast from a prospect to a partner.

Stop and give yourself credit for being in the arena. Absorb all the good you can from small wins in the journey. Marry yourself to the experience more than the result.

It makes the arena experience all the more rich when you give yourself space to learn from and enjoy it.

3 Ways To Empower Yourself When You Receive Negative Feedback

Negative feedback is part of life. Unless you do nothing and are totally irrelevant, there will always be people who do not like you and will tell you about it if you ask. One way people avoid negative feedback is to never ask for any feedback at all. Feedback is necessary to growth and negative feedback helps keep us on our toes. While it is natural for us to be hurt by negative feedback, we should never let it derail us. I stress again, negative feedback means you are doing something. And doing something is way better than doing nothing. However, we should make the most of all the feedback we receive, even the negative.  Here are three ways to empower yourself when you receive negative feedback:

Consider The Source

Seems obvious but one of the most important things to understand is who is giving the feedback and what their motivations may be. Do not spend too much time digging but do take a few moments to pick apart why the specific source of negative feedback is negative. Reflect on the interactions you had with that person. Often times, negative feedback comes from a stark difference between the giver and receiver of the feedback. Differences in style, tone and disparate frames of reference are often behind negative feedback. Knowing some of the "back story" of the giver can help you put the feedback in perspective.

Accept Specific Constructive, Dismiss Vague or Ambiguous

When seeking feedback, always give room for explanation. That way you can get at the "color commentary" around what is driving the answers. When you get negative feedback, accept specific constructive comments. Those comments give you something to build on or work with. I recently had a survey on a project come back where I specifically asked about how we were managing time. The responder gave me a good rating (there were better choices) and then wrote that I needed to "build in more breaks." Regardless, the reason I did not build in the breaks  -now I know that is an important driver to the answer of that question. I can do something with that. On the flip side, you have to let go of vague, negative feedback. Let it sting, feel it but if the giver the feedback does not show you how you can make it better, then there is nothing you can do but shake it off.

Focus On Your Overall Feedback Versus The Outlier(s)

The tendency in this life is to focus on the one dissenter. People spend many fruitless hours trying to convince the one person who dislikes their work versus focuses on the many who do. Unless your overall feedback from a specific project is all negative, you need to spend more time on the positive feedback. Build on the good comments and responses. Look for ways to reinforce the relationship with those who like and understand your methods. On the same survey I referenced in the previous point, I had one bad overall review and it stung. I kept playing in my head the responses until I remembered that it was one out of 18 participants in the project. All the other responses were good. Some even gave constructive comments to help me get better while the one person who responded negatively did not take the time to tell me why. My time and effort is much better spent focusing on how to improve and move forward relationships with the other 17 people and let the one person go.

Feedback, both positive and negative, is a necessary function of doing life. However, feedback by its nature should always seek to improve both the receiver and the giver. The next time you receive negative feedback, take a few minutes to look for the ways it can improve you.

Courage: Don't Leave Home Without It

Award winning TV producer Mark Burnett with Willow Creek Pastor Bill Hybels

Courage is no longer for the warriors of the world. Increasingly, courage is required of every day people.  At the annual Willow Creek Association Global Leadership Summit - it was a recurring theme of day one of the two day leadership training event.  From the opening session with Willow Creek Community Church Senior Pastor Bill Hybels to the final interview session with Hollywood producer Mark Burnett, courage in leadership was practically demanded by every speaker. Courage with our calling and courage with our people were the top two areas emphasized.
Calling

We all have a calling in life. Some of us are called to lead companies. Other of us are called to lead teams. Many more are called to lead families. Regardless your calling, our WCA GLS  leaders reminded us, again and again, that courage in your calling is a dealbreaker. Attorney and entrepreneurial leader Bob Goff said, “If we were not afraid, we’d live the life worthy of our calling.”
He is right on point. The day we get a glimpse of what we are called do is the day we must decide to stare our greatest fears in the face and defy them. It is not a one-time deal, it is a daily decision to get up and pursue our life’s work. Our calling deserves our attention and accountability. We owe it to the calling to live no other way. How else will we motivate the people we do life with to join us in the calling if we ourselves are afraid to go for it.

People

People in our lives need us to be courageous as well. Whether it’s the family you lead or the team at work, the people we lead expect us to have the courage to take care of the entities we head. We must ensure that the environment we lead is a healthy one where the inhabitants can grow and flourish. Business strategist Patrick Lencioni challenged us to know the people who work with us. Take an interest, make certain we know our people so that they can live up to their best potential and have the courage to face their own callings.

Relational courage is of utmost importance in our lives both in business and personal settings. Burnett stated that “unresolved emotional conflict drains the energy from an organization.” It takes courage to face conflict with others. It takes courage to root out toxic behavior. We cannot move toward our collective or individual calling without courage in our relationships.


Take a moment this week to look for ways to be more courageous in your calling and with the people you do life with.

Which YOU Do You Do?

Coming off an incredible 48 hours of intense leadership training, my head is still spinning, 2 days later. All the incredible knowledge from lawyers, doctors,  Ivy League professors, corporate gurus, international pastors and some of the every day people like me who covered the event on the digital experience team is just bursting from my brain.

The one thing I feel compelled to share now, as I sort thru the most important nuggets to make action around in my life and business, is the point of "which you do you do?"

Meaning, which "you" do you do most often in your life? We all have this aspirational "you" - the person we idealize in our heads and if asked, is most likely the "you" we describe when folks ask us for a self-description.  The person who has specific principles and values that we can quickly rattle off. Many of us also have the "real" you that vaguely resembles the "you" on paper. This the  "you" that shows up in our every day living that rarely actually uses those principles and values that we hold "close to our hearts."

Over and over as I listened to talk after talk, I kept challenging myself with this question, "do I really live up to the me I have dreamed in my head?" I would nod in agreement to many principles that were given and then ask myself, "do I live out those principles as often as I can?" I would peer deep into my own consciousness and look for inconsistencies as I furiously agreed and co-signed with many of the topics and themes discussed at the WCA Global Leadership Summit. Speaker after speaker referred to the important work of being honest on who you are, where you are so that you can make goals to be better. 

I am happy to report that after much self-reflection, I'm congruent. The "me" in my heart and on paper is very close to the me I live. I even checked in with a couple of close advisers and they agreed with my conclusion. This was super important to me as I invest regularly in my own personal growth and development. One of the "returns" on my investments is the ability to actually see my own values and principles put into action on a regular basis. It's not enough for me to "hear" and have my values reinforced if I am not actually converting that into action in my life and business.

Now, I throw the challenge to you. Have you made an effort to ensure that the "you" on paper and in your heart is aligned with your daily living? Do you make choices that honor your principles and values regularly? Are there people around to help you in this endeavor of being the best "you" you can be? If the answer is not in the affirmative to each question, that is OK. Taking the time to reflect and ask those questions are the first step to getting you there. But I challenge you to get to work on this immediately.

Regardless the theme or topic, it is imperative that the "you" you do every day lines up to the "you" you value most. One way to experience life the way you've dreamed is to bring your dream world into reality, starting with you.

Focus on 'Followership": The Secret To Great Leadership

Retired General Colin Powell shook up the WCA Global Leadership Summit today by challenging leaders to focus on a little talked about aspect of leadership - the importance of "followership."

"You are nowhere without followers who want to follow you," were his exact words. General Powell went on to make three quick points to drive home the importance of great leaders focusing on followership as the secret sauce to solid leadership. 

I'm Not Getting The Work Done

Any good leader recognizes that they need their people to get their vision converted to action. But a great leader understands that the work itself is done by his/her followers. Great leaders make no illusions and they recognize and empower their people to the work thy are charged with doing. 

Everyone Has A Purpose

Great leaders understand that every person in the organization they lead, no matter the role, is important. Just as an organization has its purpose, so does each individual contributor. It is a great leader who can draw the purpose of each person on their team and ensure they know it. 

It's Always About The Followers 

Our leadership depends on our followers. No ifs ands or buts - without followers, you are not a leader. So, everything you do as a leader should be about your followers. You must figure out how to build an environment where your followers flourish. You must figure out how to empower every person you lead to get you closer to your organization's goals and objectives. 

  

As we seek to grow as leaders, we'd all bode well to follow in the footsteps of retired General Colin Powell and take time, often, to focus on our followers. Build up our followers as a means of strengthening your leadership. 

Grow With Me At The Global Leadership Summit!

 Each August, I have an appointment with myself to recharge my batteries. Some years, there are multiple recharges but every August, since 2006, I have recharged my leadership batteries at the Willow Creek Association Global Leadership Summit.

As a leader, it is my obligation to grow- every day of every year. I take this obligation very personally and I intentionally set out each year to grow. Part of my process includes two days of focused learning from a cross-section of leaders from around the globe. I unplug from my normal daily duties to absorb nuggets of wisdom and I've always shared those with my tribe throughout the two days.

The Global Leadership Summit is hosted by Willow Creek Association and is crafted to to infuse vision, skill development and inspiration for the sake of local church transformation. That is the intent but the GLS is also an incredible catalyst for marketplace transformation as well. In fact, that is what first attracted me to the summit to begin with. In addition to pastors doing incredible feats around the world to further the gospel, key global leaders from government and the private sector have graced the stage to teach as well. I credit the GLS as being one of the many factors to convince me to venture out as an entrepreneur. Business leaders I'd admired and respected have come to share their journey as well as young entrepreneurs who are changing the world in their own way. There was even an international rock star on the roster back in 2007.

This year will be no exception.  Come Thursday, I will be among some of the greatest church and marketplace leaders in the world for two days of learning, sharing and most importantly,  growing. In addition to my normal expectation to grow personally, I am part of the @wcaglas digital experience team  and will share my perspective with a broader audience.

Be sure and follow along:

Twitter: @DeniseWBarreto
Facebook: facebook.com/relationshipsmatternow
#wcagls

Join our conversation!

How Often Do You Fill Your Leadership Cup?

Anyone who leads anything has a leadership cup. Be it your family, your team at work, the small group at your church or the group of gals you coffee with each morning at the coffee house - you lead in some way, shape or form.

From a pure logic standpoint, your capacity to lead is likened to a cup. You can only pour out what you have inside. Once the cup is empty, it's pretty tough to keep going, effectively.

Today's question is designed to challenge you to fill your cup. For me it is a no brainer. And it's that time of year again.

Every August since 2006, I refill my leadership cup at the annual Global Leadership Summit put on by the Willowcreek Association. It is two full days packed with lots of teachings, interactions and activities designed to strengthen me as a leader. I cannot imagine my year without it. It is not the only leadership cup fill I get every year but it is the most significant. It is a signal to all around me that my personal development is a priority. No calls, no meetings, very little email interaction - 100% focus on growing my leadership capabilities. GLS 2012 is a special year as it marks the first year I'm attending the GLS as my own boss.

It was at my third GLS that the possibility of owning my own business even became a major thought. I've said many times and I highlight it again in my upcoming book, I am an unlikely entrepreneur from a long history of family members who are good at working for others. However, my commitment to growing and filling my leadership cup every year in an intense and intentional way led me to my current place. In between summits, I read voraciously - blogs, books, articles to help me grow. I also speak at and attend several other conferences. I interact regularly with other committed growing leaders. Lots of tactics and lots of time invested in filling my leadership cup.

I find that keeping my cup full increases my capacity to extend myself to those I lead. I cannot function well as a leader without my cup full.  Everyone is different. For me, full = ready. Ready to lead. Ready to jump on opportunities. Ready to be more compassionate to those around me. Ready to do what I was designed to do - revolutionize relationships on planet Earth.

What about you?

How often do you fill your leadership cup?

What are your tactics for keeping it full?

What is Your Relationship With Success?

Kicking off the new decade of my life has provided yet another opportunity to reflect. Much is written about success, leadership, goals and motivation. Not a day passes that I don't find a post, or many, written on any of those topics. Instead of just spouting off a few lines about success, I decided to take a look at how our relationship with success really sets the tone for our life.

Friend or Foe

Would you call success a friend? Or would you call it the elusive non-starter in your life? Your experience with success starts with what you actually think about success. I see success as a companion. Not always in the forefront but always in view. Success is not some big win for me but rather a succession of small wins. Consistently.

By Design or By Accident

This one is big. I always lay out what my best case scenario would be. That is my vision of success. It does not always play out but having the vision makes it easy for me to recognize when it actually shows up. Clearly, there are cases when the timing is right and things just happen. I know that. However, your preparation for that moment matters when the iron strikes. So success still has to be at least envisioned to allow it to manifest at the opportune moment.

For Me or For Others

Another biggie. It is quite easy to look at others and compare your success level to theirs. I personally never do this. Success looks different for everyone. I rejoice when others have success in their endeavors. It is motivation for me to clamp down and achieve mine. It is never an option to see success only for others. Success is for me. I say it. I live it. Often times before it has arrived. I call it my "Michael James Jordan Rule". I play success over and over in my mind until it just starts to happen in real life.

My relationship with success is solid. We don't have issues - we just roll together and grow stronger as the years go by. What about you? How's your relationship with success? If not where you want it, how can you change that?