Three Reasons Hidden Figures Reminded Me I'm Ready for Trump's America

The ladies of Hidden Figures and their actresses on screen

Hidden Figures could not have come out at a better time - for the country and for me personally.

This drama based on the lives of women who were literally hidden from the history books of one of the most significant accomplishments of NASA in history, John Glenn's orbiting the earth in 1962.

I loved the film from start to finish and there were three significant reasons why this film moved me as it did going into 2017.

Black Women As Humans

While the movie shows us the extraordinary intelligence of three very different Black women, it also delves into each of their humanness. We don't see super human fearless "strong black women," We actually see women with fears, hopes and dreams. We see women depending on each other and community for support. We see women standing up for themselves while simultaneously doubting if they have the right to do so. We see the true complexity Black women face as leaders both at home and in the workplace. This film "goes in" on the story behind the story that we often miss on film about ourselves. We see laughter, tears and gritting of teeth by three glorious Black women - we get a full range of emotions versus the stereotypical angry Black woman narrative. We do see them get angry but we also see them experience joy, satisfaction and contentment.

This was especially touching to me as I've explored how I tap into my full range of emotions. I was raised to be strong and even on a recent phone call as I was breaking down talking about my divorce, I was admonished to 'be strong" by my dad. He meant no harm but has no idea how strong I am letting myself feel my pain. It is counter culture for Black women. We are bred to push on and push through. So glad to see pop culutre catch up to my new reality.

Black Women Pioneering

I've often wondered if my spirit of ingenuity was just me or if it was innate in being a Black woman in America. After seeing this movie, I'm convinced it's indeed both. When you look in spaces where Black women enter as the 'onlies," we have a habit of elevating that space and it never being the same. Katherine Goble as an addition to the NASA task force team as a "computer" changed that team forever, how they worked, how they looked at their work and even how their work was received by the astronauts. Look around you today, so many Black women out of sheer brute force -  create, initiate and drive innovation in our country, most often in the shadows of mediocre White people. Yet, we shine anyhow.

Heading into the 7th year of my business, expanding our offering so much and taking a leadership role in driving equity discussion and action, pioneering is something not only I need to do, but something our country needs me to do. Much like the ladies in this movie, the conditions require my best thinking and resilience to drive our country forward to its true future. Then, it was the Space Race with the Soviet Union, now it's shaping what United States of America we will be - one that leverages and utilizes the talents and contributions of all its citizens or  a country that only cares about the advancement of a choice few. You know which one I'm working towards and like the ladies in Hidden Figures - we will win.

Black Women Having A Second Chance At Love (Movie Spoiler Alert)

The central character of the film Katherine Goble is a widow with three beautiful children we see early in the film. She manages her stringent work and mothering with the live-in help of her own mom. When a local military man moves home, her squad is adamant about hooking her up with him. The movie takes us through their awkward dating life which is scarce due to the hours she puts in at NASA to his grand and no less awkward proposal. There are only a few more subtle references to her marriage and we see very little of the relationship in the movie but it was significant enough that one of the films postscripts alerts us that Katherine and her second husband Jim Johnson recently celebrated 56 years of marriage together. Instant tears of joy from me.

Anyone who's been in my life or even casually observing has seen the way the dissolution of my 15 year marriage has wrecked me personally this past year.  Even as I am typing through tears to write this post, I am experiencing my first holiday without my kids and as a single person. I absolutely STILL believe that I will have a 20 year wedding anniversary. 15 months ago, I thought it might be with Isael Barreto but I now know differently. I know I am an amazing catch, perhaps pressed for time and focused on building a business and reforming government but still a woman who wants a partner. Seeing Katherine Goble meet and marry someone gave me life. Why? Some days, I cannot even imagine how I'll make time for a new man in my life and that stretches even more trying to imagine the man who will be man enough to love and cherish me with all my intensity and drive. But seeing that on film and knowing it played out in real life for another brilliant Black woman gives me hope.

Hidden Figures is a movie for such a time as this. If those ladies could excel and drive our nation's transformation back into leadership in the Space Race, under the conditions they faced in 1960s United States of America - BRING ON the next administration.

I am ready.

Ode To The Midwest City That Healed Me: Minneapolis

My beloved Twin Cities, although I spend most of my time in Minneapolis

Approximately one year ago, I made the final decision to let go of my marriage that I was clinging to for dear life in the aftermath of my husband's depression and subsequent spiral out of my life.  After a tough but awesome 2015, I decided not to enter 2016 trying to repair what was clearly gone. I vowed to "Recalibrate" my life in 2016. And recalibrate I did. But I could not have done it without Minneapolis Minnesota and my almost monthly treks there.

Let me count the top three ways Minneapolis forever changed me for the better in 2016.

The People

Literally, the people of Minneapolis carried me. First, there was the business colleague turned friend who runs a national conference for a downtown university. Opening his home and friends to me on a very tough trip in the middle of 2015, I cried my eyes out and poured my heartache out on his back patio on a warm Monday night in June. That vulnerability led to a bond and set of friends who would buoy both me and my kids during this entire year. From the freezing cold thrifting day in January to the pilgrimage to Paisley Park in July, one member of that group has become a constant each visit and I don't know what I'd do without him. Or I could also give credit to the two different new friends I met flying to Minneapolis this year - the middle seat on his way back from the Cayman Islands friend who actually kept in touch and the young man  rainbow spiked hair I had an intense conversation with on his way back from RiotFest in Chicago this past fall - both of these men have been bright spots for me and great new additions to my personal tribe. I'd be remiss if I didn't give a shout out to the business colleagues who also enveloped me and my kids with love as we explored the many parks and recreation facilities across the metro. From the ski instructors on the bunny hill to the paddle board rental manager, we were welcomed and treated so well by every person we encountered on every trip to Minneapolis as a family and that goes double for all the times I flew there alone.

The Work

The work I've done for my largest client in Minneapolis has challenged me beyond any other work since I started my business. From the complexity of the ask originally to how we have evolved our relationship over the last two years has grown me as a consultant and strategic partner by leaps and bounds. One great example is how they constantly question how we accomplish their goal to raise their relevance in the their area. We co-created some great work on unconscious bias and continue to push boundaries on why and how to push an inclusive leadership agenda forward in an organization that is not traditionally accustomed to speaking about equity, diversity and inclusion. This work with this agency has opened the doors to other agencies in the area. When I stop to really think about it, it was in Minneapolis that I launched the inclusion and diversity service offering in 2014 after my business was a a few years old and constantly asked to bring our perspective on inclusion and diversity to clients we had up to that point. It was at the Forum on Workplace Inclusion (the country's oldest and largest conference dedicated to diversity and inclusion)  in 2014 where my debut talk was the top rated talk out of 65 that year and I solidly earned my spot as a fresh and leading voice in the space. I have been a faculty member ever since with this coming spring as my first time in 3 years that I will only attend the conference and not present. I look forward to seeing the conference and my work there from a completely different perspective.

The Discomfort Converted Into Healing

Anyone who knows me knows I have never been one to hang out outside much. Cold or hot - I tended to be more of an indoors type of gal. Working with a majority of my clients as a parks and recreation agencies - you can imagine, I've had my share of invites to outdoor activities.

Denise, when you gonna come ski my hill?

Will you make it to our fill-in-the-blank-outdoor-festival?

Have you been on our hiking trail, lately?

Some of the many questions, I've faithfully dodged over the years and made many legitimate excuses to never partake in the the Illinois parks and recreation community. Not one Illinois parks and rec person can remember me taking them up on the many invites over the years. Boy, did they take notice this year when I was tweeting and posting from various parks and recreation sites in western Hennepin County starting in January with a video of me tubing down a hill in Elm Creek Reserve. I had vowed not to tube leading up to that trip. Barreto kids cajoled and park district employees ribbed but I was certain, I'd not do it at all or maybe only once. It was a negative 25 degree day in January and I was sure that I'd flake on the tubing and that the kids would join me. I was wrong. I went down that hill not once but three times. And my kids went down many many more. By nightfall, I was up on skis on the bunny hill behind Evan snowboarding for the second time in his life. We had a blast but most of all, I pushed past the cold and discomfort of being outside and enjoyed myself. I had no idea that would lead to a year full of outdoor activities and breathing of fresh Minneapolis air. I found myself getting to work sites 30 to 40 minutes earlier just to walk around the properties and "take in the scenery" the lush or barren landscapes - all beautiful, all serene, all wondrous.

This past summer, a boat ride turned into hours of paddle boarding when the boat "did not start". And while I don't believe to this day the boat didn't actually start- I am glad it didn't as paddle boarding became a thing at the Evanston beach this summer for my kids. I also liked it and would have done it in Jamaica had Hurricane Otto not come and followed us on the Thanksgiving vacation. We sat for hours in a cabana by the beach in Jamaica and read for hours in hammocks between trees almost every day of our vacation - a rarity for me. And it wasn't just in Minneapolis or Jamaica that drew me outside. I made it a habit back home with my Illinois parks and rec clients to arrive early and/or stick around post meeting and walk outside surveying the outdoors, breathing the air, quieting my soul. My initial discomfort with the outdoors melted away and provided a solace for my most frustrating moments. I live across the street from a park and now, I often step away from my desk to get fresh air -- outside.

Minneapolis, there were so many more aspects to how you assisted me in recalibrating this life of mine but none greater than your people, my work there and the way you made something uncomfortable for me before, absolutely irresistible to me now.

You did it. I am an outdoor gal.

Thank you.

First Snow Triggers New Appreciation for The True Purpose of Winter

The snow covered tree outside my front window

Fall is my favorite season from start to finish. This season gives way every year to Winter and its  final days have always given me pause to reflect on the upcoming process that winter brings. Snow falls and brings about a natural slowing down of every thing.  Winter is a time for hibernation and the almost "death" of all growth.

This December as the first snow fell upon us, my personal life as I have known it for the last 16 years completely "died". After more than a year of knowing my marriage was over and the final decision to make it official, the day of the first snow in 2016 marked the first full week of our new normal of not living as a foursome. We are working daily on the new family dynamics. Holiday traditions as we've known them have to be reimagined and executed all once.

If I am honest, it is way harder than I ever imagined. This time of year is a constant reminder of our life as we've known it and the excruciating process of what we know and love hibernating. Shutting down.

Dying.

Winter is a chance for everything to stop and just be. And that's exactly what we need right now.

As I hit the final month of this year of recalibrating my life - my womanhood, my motherhood, the relationship with my former life partner and how I operate as an entrepreneur in my new normal - I have a full appreciation for what Winter really is.

It is not death for the trees, flowers or grass beneath the snow cover.  It is the full stop of activity among them. They are quiet. Still. And undisturbed for a season.

That is how I move into this Winter. Ready for the quiet, still, undisturbed time to reflect on all the changes in our lives at this time. Rested from a respite island vacation. Replenished by time with my kids and my thoughts. Knowing full well what awaits me at the thaw.

New life.
New ideas.
New energy.

My Life As A Non-Conformist Began With A Prince Song

The immortal Prince in one of my favorite eras of his life.

Prince was the epitome of non-compliance and it was his music that inspired my non-compliant spirit starting at the age of 8. I used to sing "I Wanna Be Your Lover" at the top of lungs.  Most often signing with no recourse until my dad heard me one day and asked me if I knew what I was singing. At age 8, I clearly had no idea what "I wanna be the only one you come for, yeah" really meant.  My dad told me he did not want to hear me singing that "garbage" ever again, with little explanation why.  So I remember nodding and waiting until he went to work to scream the lyrics at the top of my lungs and dared our babysitter to stop me.  No matter what anyone said to me, I was listening to that song and all the others from that man with a one word name. And non-conformity has been a brand attribute of mine ever since. Here's the three reasons I will forever be grateful that Prince touched my life.

Rules As Suggestions

Prince was known to push the limits and saw rules and regulations as suggestions only. His life overall is a walking example of nonconformity but let's just focus on his music. Every time someone put a label on his music, he reinvented his sound. He even took the same music and made it cross every genre imaginable and some say he had his own genre altogether. Even the way he executed in the music business was unheard of. From being the youngest producer at Warner Bros at the age of 19 to changing his name to protect his copyrights to releasing music independently of a label long before the internet, Prince busted up every rule of the music industry and wrote his own. Clearly, there were some constraints thrust upon him throughout his music career but his ingenuity transcended each and every one.

His Own Brand Of Black

Prince is my perfect example of how to be Black. Stop for a minute and look at his style and the way he presented himself to the world. Seeing all the images of him the last 24 hours reminded me of how he literally lived his life as Black man like no other. At the time he entered the music scene, most Black artists had a look and sound that was familiar and  "trademarked Black." Enter this light skinned, petite bodied man from Minneapolis who busted the paradigm for what Black music was and what a Black artist could do. Then he elevated his story with his movie Purple Rain and told a different view of Black life that was not being told widely at that time. I cannot recall anyone ever questioning his Blackness. I mean, he began his 2007 Super Bowl performance in a do-rag.  But as a light skinned, gender bending, multiple genre rock star, he elevated what Black in America could be and pushed  and challenged traditional Black narratives daily. Until his death, he continued to drive issues that impacted Black lives all while living his own story of Blackness.

Clearly He Loved Himself

If there was ever a person who accepted himself fully, I have to believe it was Prince. The sheer courage to be who he was at all times was unprecedented. Again, the imagery we have witnessed across the almost 40 year career is a self-love display. Interview after interview, I've watched him talk about love as a centerpiece of life. His documented generosity to countless charities uplifting those without a voice. His political activism - both the subtle and outspoken - for decades against injustice. Love for others, especially marginalized people, only comes from a deep sense of acceptance and love of oneself. Prince lived his life fully and wholly accepting of who he was which made him a gracious and genuine lover of others.


As I reflect on my life- especially now during a particularly tough personal season - each and every one of those attributes of Prince have permeated my life as well. It only upon his passing that I realize how much he influenced those traits in me throughout my life. Prince lit the way for this non-compliant, fearless leader. Thank you. May you rest in Power.

My Journey To My New Normal - You Coming?

So anyone who has known me for any length of time knows I do my best to follow the simple instructions of that post-it at the top of this post. And that is why it's especially vexing to live in our Facebook fairytale world these days.

Take this past Sunday for instance.

Easter Sunday.

Resurrection Sunday.

Christians and even many non-Christians kept a string of happy pastel colored photos in my stream all day. No ill feelings for that. I am one of those folks is happy when people I love are happy. But I'm also one of those folks who feel sad and feel deeply when my people are sad. But it's a fine line these days for the extended tribe. Of course those who are close to me are intimately aware of what's happening. In my desire to live authentically, I don't struggle with sharing my current state of affairs openly and regularly. But in our social media highlights versus day-to-day living, it is tough to keep it real.

How do you express sadness without evoking pity in our Facebook era?

How do you keep it real about where you are without bumming everyone out?

Well right along with all those other things that Sunday was to masses, it had been a very special day to me in the past. Sunday March 27 marked what would have been the 15 anniversary of my marriage that crumbled under the weight of depression that swallowed up my partner of 15 years late last year.

Yep.

I am not hiding or hesitating to state that every chance I get.

I am sad.

I am mourning as are my two kids.

It's natural and normal to feel this way but it's whole 'nother thing to post about it. But I'm hoping to change that. There is dignity in opening mourning your losses. People learn how to love you when allow yourself to be broken before them. And we are broken.

But like the hope that is in the hearts of those who actually celebrate Easter and Resurrection - we all know that there can be no Sunday morning without a Friday afternoon. Trauma. Sadness. Death. All necessary to rise again. Well that space between the death and the resurrection is where we are living these days in my house. We are doing the best we can under the circumstances we have.

We could not get all dressed up take photos of our holiday happenings because it was all we could do to make our food and smile and be with each other this year. And when I finally looked at the calendar at the end of the day and saw that it was a day we used to celebrate with fervor, the sadness overcame me and I had to share it.

My relationship with reality is too solid to fake it for the masses. So we must endure these days and this pain to have our resurrection as a family in its new form. We are gonna talk about it and share it and hope that others will join us on our journey to our new normal.

Little Token, Big Value

The platinum band I bought myself Mother's Day 2000

Little token.

Big value.

16 years ago this coming Mother's Day when I was neither a wife, girlfriend, love interest and definitely not anyone's mother - I bought myself a platinum diamond ring.

I was a few months ahead of my self-imposed Spanish exile, planning and saving for my move to Spain set to commence that fall.

I remember vividly as I saw friends and family after that purchase some of the questions:

Who bought that for you?

Why are you wearing it on that finger?

What's up with that, Denise?

Wow, is there something you want to tell us?

I faced those questions with the same answer over and over.

I bought it for me.

Because I wanted it.

Because I'm worth it.

At that time, all my closest friends had married and were starting families. Most of my family had written me off as a career gal "who couldn't keep a man." And I'd started to doubt I'd ever find love.

I was 28 years old.

But then I saw that band. And it meant to world to me to gift it to myself. I had found love... me loving me. Me accepting me and where I was in life. I was about to embark on an adventure living in Europe - Spain to be exact if not then, when? Would I wait for a man to buy me a platinum diamond ring? With no prospects in sight - that seemed absurd. So I did it.

And almost 16 years later this ring does for me MORE than it did for me then. As I am transitioning from married woman to single woman, my finger was bare for a few months. It felt naked and weird after 15 years "belonging" in my marriage. Then I looked in my jewelry chest and pulled out this band.

I wear it today with much pride. I love me today WAY more than the me who bought this ring. I am even more confident of what I have to offer and who I am. And that purchase which at the time seemed bold and big - really speaks to me on my new journey of recalibration.


This little token has big value and is a reminder of the great woman I am even in the midst of great change.

My 28 year old self was wise enough to foreshadow what my 44 year old self needed.

3 Steps To Practicing Radical Self-Care

Tough to give what you don't have, practice radical self-care

Radical self-care is critical and should be at the top of your to-do list every day.

What is radical self-care? My definition is the unshakable, nonnegotiable regular care of oneself. This looks different from person to person but ultimately is rooted the belief that in order to love and care for others in our lives, we must, first, love and care for ourselves. Radically.

I already know there are many reading this whose eyes have rolled to the back of their heads and are barely hanging into this third paragraph, but stay with me. Yes, you've heard this before. No, it's not a joke. Many of you already know this but have struggled to implement any form of regular self-care in your life. You cringe in guilt at the very thought or you throw your hands up not believing you can ever find the time to do anything for just you. You can begin a journey to radical self care and there are three critical things you must do to initiate and create space in your life for radical self-care.

Start Small

In order to grow to radical self-care as I defined, you have do baby steps self-care first. It is indeed impossible to dive into "radical anything"  if you don't have the basics first. Add something that you alone enjoy to your calendar each week. It can be a phone date with a friend. Coffee at your favorite cafe alone. 20 minutes of reading time. We all get 10,080 minutes in every week we live, you can carve out 30 of those to yourself starting right away. And don't forget to add it to your calendar and you get bonus points for putting it on a shared calendar. One of the most important ways to keep the commitment is to write it down and make others in your life see it's importance.

Build On Your Start

Once you've gone 6 straight weeks of a small commitment, you must up the stakes in some way. Again, this is entirely up to you but it must a) be more than your initial step at self-care and b) be shared with an accountability partner.  Now, pick your partner wisely. Don't call your flaky sister or flimsy friend who won't remind you or will indulge your excuses for missing your self-care. You need to call the person you don't want to tell because that's precisely who you need to push you. Remember, we all get 365 days in a year, so taking one full day or more per month is not unreasonable. And especially if you are building that day or two onto 30 minutes of weekly self-care. It will not feel like a big leap nor will you feel any guilt. In order to keep the momentum, you have to build on the initial self-care routine which will set you up for what's next.

Go Big

Identify something big you want to do for yourself and do it. This could be an overnight stay alone in a hotel.  Or this could be a weekend trip with your girlfriends or a guys weekend in Atlantic City but it must be big and follow your building stage.  Once you do this once, it will get easier and you will get really good at finding ways to up your self-care game in between big self-care events.  The biggest bonus of going big, is when life throws you big curves, you can combat it with radical rest and respite. Without question, my habitual radical self-care has made my latest valley not seem so deep. I was also able to activate courage to raise my self-care game to the need in my life and I'll be enjoying a weekend away, just me, very soon to fuel me through a tough season.

Taking care of yourself well is not optional, it's imperative.

What will you do today to start your journey to radical self-care?

When's The Last Time You Bet On You?

All in - when was the last time you were "all in" for yourself

I'm heading to Las Vegas in a few weeks for a trip that is very much part of my 2016 Recalibrate agenda. The process of exploring the opportunity, weighing my options and finally making my move was not very different than previous bets I'd placed on myself but this time the stakes were higher and it felt different.

When was the last time you bet on yourself? You know, all in, all or nothing -  100% betting on you.

I've come to realize that for most people it is not very often at all and I want to change that. Here are three reasons to go all out and bet on you in 2016.

You Are Worthy

I have no idea what's brewing in your mind. A relationship change? A business idea? A promotion at your job? A move across country or the world? Whatever it is, I want to tell you are worthy of that "thing" you want. You are deserving of the love you desire. Your idea needs air. Your company needs your perspective. You should see that place you've dreamed about. Too many times we talk ourselves out of our true desires because we don't feel we are capable, deserving or worthy of such a big change. Some of us can barely form our lips to say it for fear of what others may say in response further cementing our sense of inadequacy about our desires. Know that the nagging in your mind and spirit is your indication that this is important and that you should pay attention. Give yourself permission to imagine yourself in your dream, whatever it is.

People Want To Help You

This is a tough one to digest for all types. Think about it. If you are a natural collaborator - most likely you are always willing to help and contribute to the ideas of others. And if you are a disruptor, like me, you often go alone and the idea of others helping makes you laugh. When you bet on yourself and talk about your dream, you ignite passion and ideas in others, ideas to help you. This also applies for tough challenges you have to face; when you allow others to share the burden, it really is lighter. Sharing my journey of how depression wrecked my marriage and the consequences of that wreckage has been an amazing experience. From the outpouring of offers of help and encouragement to the cries of camaraderie of others suffering now, I don't regret sharing my pain. We must reach out and invite others into our dreams and our journey.

Snowball Effect

We all know what happens to a snow ball as it rolls down a hill. It gains both material and momentum.  The same occurs when you bet on yourself. Too scared to bet on yourself for that Big Hairy Audacious Goal? Then bet on yourself small today. On anything. Trust you gut. Give yourself the "ok" on little things. As I look back on when I started betting on myself, it was a long time ago. Since I was a teenager, I have always stepped out and bet on me. Some times it worked out and every time I learned. Lately, in the last 8 years, as my kids grew and needed me in different ways, I returned some focus to me, my career and my deepest desires to lead. Each of those small bets led me to bigger bets and in a few years quite possibly the biggest career bet I've ever made. But it is not an isolated thing. I've now been betting on me -both personally and professionally consistently. And the snow ball effect is real. Stay tuned if you don't believe me.

So I ask again, when was the last time you bet on you? When did you last push through your fear and go after something or someone you wanted? If it was longer than yesterday,  you have some work to do.

Go.

The Summer That Changed Me Forever: An Ode to My WHQAD team

About 1/2 of the 2001 WHQAD team who seared their way into my heart forever

63 work days.

12 weeks

1 historic tragedy experienced together.

And we are bonded for life.

That pretty much sums up my time spent at United Airlines with a team of people who will always have a special place in my heart space.

We recently got together with a larger group of United Alum as this group does ever so often. Regardless of what's going on in life, this group stops to fellowship and celebrate our time together.

I often feel like an imposter in this group. After all, you see the stats. I was not among them very long. Yet they mean a ton to me. Here's a few reasons why....

United was the first corporate job I ever got after almost 8 years in nonprofit or entertainment entities. It was my first job that I truly loved. Every second of it. It was the first place, I used my entrepreneurial skills to push the boundaries of what they hired me to do and moved my talents to solve challenges my company faced.

I was 26 weeks pregnant with my first child when I was hired at United. Yeah. That interviewing process was a scary, balancing act. I wanted to show what I had to offer while not giving away the fact that I was with child and soon to be out for a few weeks. When I got the offer and started, the balancing act continued. I wanted to demonstrate my value in a way that would make my departure to have my baby felt. I took on projects and opportunities for big visibility even as my tummy grew and grew. 

When I came "out," I'll never forget the reactions, the love, the support. Hell, these are the ONLY people in my life who have ever loved me enough AND been smart enough to pull a surprise party over my head. I'll never forget the day they convinced me to do this presentation for the new big boss Larry DeShon, only to have me walk into a baby shower with my husband in tow.

Weeks after 9/11, we gathered in the suburban home with our leader to celebrate each other, even though I was no longer with them having been part of the massive company-wide furlough after the tragedies.  It was hard to feel sad for being unemployed when other United Airlines folks lost their lives that day. Yet, I was comforted and not judged by a group of people who cared and understood even if they'd all kept their jobs. There was a camaraderie in this group that still escapes me to this day but I cherish being a small part of it.

That is just a glimpse of how powerful authentic human connections that transcend everything and make a lasting imprint on our lives, if we allow it.

"Less than 90 freaking days" I shouted many times at the event while everyone shrugged it off, laughed or questioned - "was that all the time we had with you?"

That's right. Time doesn't matter when there is a true bond with a real person.

Thanks WHQAD for being those people to me and showing me how special I am to those around me.

Friends forever.

For real.

Accept People, Period: A Rant About the Semantics Of Acceptance

A few weeks back, I had a post about acceptance that garnered lots of views and reactions. It prompted me to quickly crank out this rant about acceptance.

I was challenged, privately, of course, as to what exactly did I "mean" by acceptance?

If you mean, I've got to deny my beliefs to save your feelings, then I don't accept some people.

I have my values and they inform what I accept or don't accept

and my personal favorite...

I can love someone without accepting their actions or behaviors.

Wow. Just wow.

Let's start with a dictionary definition of acceptance and there are three:

1. the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.
2. the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group.
3.      agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation

Which do you think applies to people the most? Within the context of relationships and doing life with others, which definition makes the most sense?

If you did not choose definition number 2,  then that's where we part. When I blogged about acceptance from people who I potentially want to do life with or family a few weeks back, I was specifically applying definition number two as in "received as adequate or suitable."

We are not required to agree or believe in everything around us. We are not required to consent to receive something offered to us. But we are damn sure obligated to receive people in our lives as they are - adequate and suitable - ENOUGH by simply being alive and willing to relate to us.

We have to stop this trend of taking words out of context to fit our agendas. Sure, there are several definitions of acceptance but only one applies as it relates to relationships with people. And of course, this all goes out the window where there is abuse of any kind present within a relationship.

My rant is clear. I am raging over the way we accept some stories in our lives and reject others. Whether it's gender, race, political or religious views, we have to do better.

People are enough as they are.

Stop making people feel as though they have to "do something" to be in our lives.

Quit trying to alter someone else's narrative to fit yours. 

Start by accepting yourself.

Look in the mirror and fully accept what you see and if you don't like it, then do something to change. But don't go projecting your own acceptance issues on those around you.

I fully embrace acceptance at its core meaning for those in my life and people I meet every day. We need all stories told to better our world. Who am I to reject or diminish another human being's experience and existence? Who are you?

Please take time this week to notice when you are rejecting or diminishing someone else and stop it. Everyone deserves acceptance in society and it starts one-to-one in our relationships.

Start today.

Family, Love, Acceptance: Relearned on A Beach Retreat

Family.


Love.

Acceptance.

The power and intensity around these words for me personally is practically indescribable. Each one a trigger of all kinds of emotions and deep seeded beliefs. As a person whose life work revolves around relationships and how to best grow and leverage them for good, I am intimately familiar with the contradictions that can accompany each word.

We all have family.

We all crave, want and need love.

We all deeply desire acceptance but know it's not always available so we can live without it.

I am deeply moved and forever changed by my experience with a "client", no less,  who showed me in a very real way that all those things are possible even in places where we least expect it.

This past Spring, a dear sister friend invited me to use my talents at a retreat for Black women executives who in work in philanthropy. Based on their desires, I created two workshops and quickly got the "thumbs up" from the planning committee. This event weighed heavily on my schedule as its confirmation fully booked my September 2015 calendar rendering me not one additional billable hour in May.  From day one, I knew this would be a history making event for me and my business, even if that the time I had not true idea why.

Fast forward to September 24 - my arrival day at the event. You could say I skidded to this event after 30 days of relentless travel. There were 9 workshops, 3 TED-style talks, 2 seminars in 5 cities touching countless people with my message of Engage, Collaborate, Lead in one form or another. The trip itself pushed me into American Airlines Gold status which was huge for me back in my days of corporate marketing travel on someone else's dime. I was exhausted yet completely stoked to lead and learn with a group of my peers - outstanding Black women executives. Don't even mention that the week was a great one for talented Black women in general. Even though I was on a plane, I did not miss the 2015 Emmy buzz around amazing Black actresses taking home statues  - Regina King, Viola Davis and Uzo Aduba.

Little did I know, that my contribution to the weekend would be the least impactful memory I'd have. From allowing me full participation in the planned weekend activities, to my divinely appointed work group Friday afternoon - every aspect of the ABFE Women in Philanthropy 2015 Leadership Retreat deeply touched me and renewed my faith in family, love and acceptance.

Family is a complicated matter with me. My family of origin is a complex and messy tale. Until recently, my marriage and family I built was my refuge and saving grace for the very word "family." While it is still together, many uncertainties abound about its future.

Love. Boy, do I struggle with this concept. See my Mother's Day post here, if you don't believe me. I have no problem giving love but receiving it is my achilles.

Acceptance is quite another story. I have learned to live without acceptance for much of my life. While I have always wanted it, especially from women who look like me, rarely was it extended to me. I've always been too different. Too loud. Too outspoken. Too smart. Too daring. Too driven. And now that I am well into my 40s, I simply don't give a damn if I am accepted or not. I have learned to live in that tension without diminishing who I am.

Imagine my sheer shock at getting all of these things - family, love and acceptance from a group of women who barely knew me.  Imagine feeling completely at home being who I am, delivering my best talents, sharing my heart and soul for a few days in paradise.  Imagine days later continuing to build those connections virtually and feeling the sense that someone - lots of someones - close to 30 someones HAVE MY BACK in all corners of this great country.

Thank you, ladies.

Thank you for sharing yourselves with me.

Thank you for allowing me to serve you.

Thank you for showing me that family, love and acceptance can be extended and shared in our community.

See you at the next retreat!

Signed,

Your new ABFE sister

3 Things You Must Do To Support Your Friend Who Needs A Lifeline

People who need a lifeline need something specific from you

Had the most epic text conversation with a great friend recently who is in the midst of an enormous amount of change in her life.

Personal change.

Relational change.

Vocational change.

As we commiserated on 2 out of 3 of those aspects of change, we delighted each other in our responses to one another. . We left one another feeling much better and vowed to pose the following question to the rest of the world. Why do so many of us suck at supporting each other through rough patches? Why do we feel compelled to give "an answer" to our loved ones when they are experiencing difficulty? This is especially true in Christian circles. Both my friend and I are strong believers who just happen to be swallowed up in a crazy season in our respective lives. As we "chatted" intermittenly over 2 hours - it was clear why we felt so much better having interacted. Three very different things happened during our exchange: pure unadulterated listening,  no comparisons, no cliches.

Pure unadulterated listening

This one is the hardest to do but really the most important. Just listening sometimes is all our friends need, especially people who are mired in complex situations. We must train ourselves to listen. Fight the compulsion to wander in thoughts or think of solutions to the challenges you are hearing. Literally, stop everything and just listen. Respond with "I hear you," or "I feel you," and genuinely do hear and feel your loved ones concern. Sometimes you just need to listen and listen more because some people have very few people they confide in.  You may be the only person they are sharing their adversity with so it is imperative that you just listen. And listen more. Make space and time to just listen.

No comparisons

No. Nope. None. Even if you have been through this or you have a friend or cousin who is in the EXACT situation as your current friend, don't compare. Am I saying that you cannot use experiences you've had to speak wisdom into this new situation? Yes. I am. In the moment of despair or when people are raw, it is tough to hear other stories that appear similar but are not necessarily apples to apples. Even when they are very identical to someone on the outside, there are always nuances and differences, even if they are slight to the person actually experiencing the difficulty.  Respect your friend's unique story. And if you have information you are convinced will help them - ask first if you can share it. And if they give you the green light, frame it well and give them the space to see the similarities -don't push them.  We are all special and while we all experiences similar challenges, it is difficult to invite someone in and have them compare what you are going through to something else. It is good policy to do your best to not compare at all but if you must, get permission.

No cliches

This is another tough one. You all know them and in the Christian world there are so many.

Everything happens for a reason.

God isn't gonna give you more than you can handle.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronnger.

Let God and let go.

And there are many many more.  In fact, my friend and I chucked because we both balked at what we called "flimsy Christian talk" that people pull out when you confide that you are struggling. Please keep your sayings and cliches when someone shares their doubts and fears. I have a relationship with God and like most of my relationships, there are times when it is strained and downright difficult to deal with. That's right. Sometimes, it's hard to be in relationship with God. And for me, some of those moments come during my most difficult hours; when all I can see is darkness and when I hear no reply to my screams for respite. Pulling out every cliche about how it's all gonna be ok is not the right path. Really. It's not. And you wanna know why? It's not very convincing and chances are you don't really believe that. Yep. I said. Most of those cliches are lip service that we've been fed in our difficult moments and we just regurgitate it when we see a chance. No. Don't. Do better by your friend.  Listen. Feel. Reassure that you are there and that you care. Allow them to vent and have those feelings. They need to go there, so don't prevent it with a quick fix saying that isn't going to add any value in that moment. Even if you are one of those people, like me, who lives by Genesis 50:20 or Romans 8:28, you don't have to shove that in people's faces when they are hurting. Pick a less raw time and remind them of what they know to be true or introduce how you handle your difficult times.

And while we both hope to be out of our respective slumps soon, I am so glad for our exchange because it highlighted for us how we all can do better to support people around us when they need us most.

What would you add to our list to better support friends in crisis?

3 Facts About Change I Learned From Cherries

How you do anything is how you do everything - B.E.S.T. Coach to me in early 2014

And once again, it was food that shed light to me on how I approach life.

I am a berry gal. Raspberries. Strawberries. Blueberries. Blackberries - pretty much any berry except cherries. I cannot tell you why, how or when my aversion to cherries began but as long as I can remember, I have not liked cherries.

Until now.

A few weeks ago, my husband came home with a big bag of fresh cherries. Even the kids questioned the purchase, we don't normally get cherries. Within minutes the bag was devoured by the both Barreto kids and the mister. I passed with no questions asked. The next bag came and went as fast as the first and the next thing I knew cherries were on the grocery list. 3 bags in, my kids asked why I was not joining them. I simply declined with some quip. But my youngest insisted I "try them again." I ate one and remembered the tart flavor, hoping to keep them from asking me again. Week by week, I started picking them up in the store and familiarizing myself with what a ripe cherry looked like versus a prematurely picked one. Each bag disappeared as quickly as we bought it and now cherries are a fruit staple in our house.

This morning, my breakfast bowl of fruit was equal parts cherries, blueberries and strawberries.  What changed? How is it that just 6 weeks ago, I would not have touched a cherry let alone many cherries? What does my cherry story tell you about change? As my family in embarking on a huge change, I could not help but reflect on how my cherry story is very similar to any change in life and why I'm so glad I'm eating cherries today.

First, change requires humility. The courage to recognize what you don't know. Many folks lack that. Imagine how silly yet really telling it would be if I stuck with my "I don't like cherries" line. I didn't know if I liked cherries, I hadn't eaten them in years. Instead of balking, arguing or making my family force me to try them, I readily recognized that I knew little about the cherry besides my very uninformed opinion that they were less than strawberries, blueberries or raspberries.

Change also requires education. When you don't know, it's better to admit that and commit to "finding out." That's right. In the early days of the cherries coming into our house, I observed the family eating them; which ones they winced at, which ones brought a smile. I was even watching the brand name and noting the farm they came from. By the time, I randomly grabbed a bag at the store, I was well educated on how they'd taste.

Finally, change is life giving.  As silly as it sounds, my snacking is so much better now that I have cherries added to the mix. The tart flavor offsets the sweet fruits I love and am accustomed to. Further, adding that variety to my palate opened the door to new desserts I did not have just a few months ago.

While the analogy of cherries may seem trivial, think about all the applications of this story. Is there a recurring theme in your life that you've been resisting or ignoring? Have you been nudged by those around you to explore something or try something you insist you don't like?

Humble yourself and check it out.
Educate yourself and see what you learn.
Allow your life to be changed by something small.

My cherry transformation was 5 weeks in the making and I'm glad because that is a representation of how I view change overall.  Always remember, the way you do anything is the way you do everything.

Cheers.

You'd Better Believe. Starting Now.

Pretty much all I've been doing the last 30, 90 or 253 days is centered around the seven letter word in the title of this post.

Dictionary.com defines believe like this: to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so.

Wow. 

That's been my life and I'd encourage you all to go there some day.

Go to that place where you actually allow yourself to "believe."

Believe your life can be what you want it to be.

Believe that your relationship "is what it is" and is time for you to let it go.

Believe that you can provide for your family doing what you love.

Believe you can turn a thought into a reality.

Believe there are people around you who care and want to help you.

Believe that "long shot" can be a sure shot if you just take action. 

Believe in yourself.

Believe in the good of others.

Believe people who act like they don't care


I could go on and on and on but I won't.

What I need for each of you in earshot to do is take this advice from me... whatever it is before you that seems impossible - go for it. 

Believe in yourself. Believe in the universe, or higher being (for me this is Jesus - but NO JUDGEMENT HERE - believe in something bigger than you because there is - know that). Believe in that tiny possibility.

The second you step out in belief, the universe will conspire to make it happen.

It's happening for me now and it can happen for you.

Peace.

Why Relationships Mattered In Chicago's Mayor's Race

Almost one week ago, a small percentage of voters in Chicago made their wishes known. They wanted a choice to the current Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Let me start by saying, I don't have a true horse in this race as a suburban Chicagoland dweller. Yes, indirectly, my life and business are affected by the viability of the great city of Chicago but I want it clear that this commentary is coming from an outsider's view.

Relationships mattered a lot in the 2015 Chicago Mayor's race. Really, the lack of relationships mattered most.

I have followed Rahm's tenure as mayor and it has been contentious. And, my goodness, why wouldn't it have been? He followed the 22 year reign of Richard M. Daley. Chicago was and continues to be at a crossroads. The gem of the midwest, Chicago has always had an underdog feel to it. Second to other parts of the country in a host of categories yet gritty enough to claim leadership in a select few areas, Chicago has always had a "Phoenix" feel of rising from the ashes of one setback to a bigger and better place, again and again.

Rahm Emanuel swept back in town with tight business and Washington ties and connections that he promised to use to bring Chicago into a greater position to live up to its promise as the heart of the nation.  From my seat, he did lots of that. He has strengthened the city's position as a tech hub contender. He set an aggressive energy and sustainability agenda that he's been successful in executing. He increased access to STEM opportunities for the most under served students in the city.  He's opened access to free early undergrad education to any high schooler that qualifies.

So what's the problem? Why is Emanuel facing a runoff by a candidate he outspent 12 to 1?

It's not what he did, it's how he did it.

People think Rahm Emanuel is ruthless. Google his name and not one article is written without reference to the term "ruthless operative." People don't see Rahm as a leader, they seem him as an operative. I don't know if it's true but I know he could have managed his perception better had he built authentic relationships throughout the city. I can relate to Rahm on the perception of being cold and heartless. 

As a leader, I have the ability to make tough decisions and compartmentalize my emotions as well. People perceive that as being heartless. I get it. And to some degree, I do believe it's slightly true with me. The first and best nurturer in my life passed away when I was 4 years old and that fact absolutely plays into the level of compassion I am able to have and convey. But I learned early in life that no one cares that I grew up without my mom. People expect me to be sympathetic. People expect me to be empathetic. People expect me to care about them and what affects them. That was and continues to be true in any setting I operate in and want to influence. 

Therefore, I make it a point to surround myself with other leaders with bigger hearts than mine. People close to me, who advise, guide and often times, represent me and my business when I cannot. They are my team. Hand cultivated and selected to compliment the areas where I am deficient.

Where is Rahm's team? Again, it is a spectator sport,  for me, watching Chicago politics. I don't gain anything with Rahm or his challenger Jesus "Chuy" Garcia at the helm in Chicago's City Hall. As a fellow leader who is known for making tough decisions and having tough conversations, I'd be remiss not to send a message to Rahm.

Dear Mr. Mayor,

Do the work. 
Build relationships with your constituents, not just the important ones. 
Curate an advisory staff to help you navigate and relate in areas you are deficient. 
Be inclusive, gain insight and co-create solutions with the people most affected by your decisions.
And enable others to lead. 

It may be too late for this election but these truths are evergreen and can go with you where ever you wish to lead.

Signed, 

A fellow tough leader.

2 Ways To Stay Unshakable While All Trembles Around You

As 2014 closed and I narrowed in on my theme for 2015, I had no idea exactly how applicable this year's theme was going to be.

#2015Unshakable

Several online dictionaries define unshakable as not easily panicked or upset and strongly felt and unable to be changed. When I think about the highs and lows, me and my family has already experienced in the last six weeks of this very young year, it's no wonder unshakable was the word that felt best to assign to this year.

Regardless the circumstances, the ability to stay focused and move toward our best good is imperative. But one must first define "best good" in order to live and thrive in shaky times. We have to be clear on what the "end game" is in order to stay on task toward it. And we must have coping strategies in place to buoy us through rough terrain.

Defining The End Game

One of my intentions for 2015 is to be an unshakable force for good in our world. That is pretty lofty but I've got it broken down into a few key areas - first, my home. I identified what I must do to be a force for good with those I do life with most closely. Second,  I laid out what I can do to be a force for good in my work. Be it current clients or potentials, I teamed with my partners and contractors to list ways Relationships can add value in 2015 in ways we had not in the past. Finally, in my extracurricular activities - I clearly sought ways to add value in my volunteer and other commitments. That examination prompted me to let go of some commitments to which I could no longer devote my best talents and/or attention. Having a clear "end game" in all areas of life has made it easier to face the ups and downs that have come my way in all areas in this young year. And while I feel tossed and turned, my resolve to remain an unshakable force for good is one of the things that keeps me going.


Build Coping Strategies For Tough Times

The biggest surprise of 2015 so far for me was just how depleted my personal coping mechanisms are for extremes. The past few years have been relatively uneventful for both my family and my business. With my business growing rapidly and finally finding a rhythm, it was getting easier to integrate Relationships Matter Now with the rest of my life.  However, as our family dynamic has changed (kids moving from kiddie to pre-teen and teen years - normal marital drift - elderly parent care pressures) during the same time period, it has become clear that we do not have adequate support systems in place to buoy us when things are rough - primarily me. We have operated in a silo with little to no external systems to help when we hit icy patches in the road. We are currently course correcting but I find it helpful to share what I think is necessary. Having several outlets for perspective gathering - groups of friends to listen and encourage. Dedicated time to unplug and recharge. Without that, our minds race and interrupt sleep and creativity when you most need them both.  Getting outside impartial help - be a coach, counselor or therapist. Sometimes you cannot just muscle through.

Each day I am realizing that being unshakable does not mean not reaching out for help or vocalizing what's shaking us. In fact, casting out fear of all kinds is part and parcel for being unshakable. Nothing casts out fear more than facing it down with the support of many around you. So when you see me tweeting anything that ends with my #2015Unshakable hashtag - remember the 2 things that enable me to stay unshakable in 2015.

Marketing Wins SuperBowlXLIX‬: Why This Year's Ads Were Among Best Ever

The "dead" boy from the Nationwide Super Bowl ad

Marketing won this Super Bowl by leaps and bounds. The murmurings over the last 16 hours have proven that my profession is on it's game.

The vast majority of commoners have complained that this was "the worst year of ads, ever."

"There were some funny ones but overall, bleh."

"Not impressed at all."

That sampling of comments was pulled directly from my personal Facebook feed last night. Yet, social media was a buzz talking about all the "bad ads." Guys, that's a win.

I was proud of my marketing brethren last night. The overall tone and vibe from this year's crop of Super Bowl ads was on the money. From Nationwide's "Make Safe Happen," to Coke's "Make It Happy" and the various brands odes to "dad," marketers were clearly taking a cue from the overall vibe on our planet today.

We need to stop being mean to one another.

We need to recognize the contributions of some unspoken, but vital players in life.

We need to have conversations on tough topics at inconvenient times.

Nothing good is every accomplished without great relations between humans.

The very cornerstone of my work and clearly, something major brands paying insane dollars to communicate with us understand.  These are not the materialistic 1980s nor the Wall Street glorifying 1990s - we are in an era of owning what's going on. Be it race relations in America or religious intolerance here and abroad, people are looking at every thing differently, more thoughtfully. And if they are not, then, they should be and big brands told the world so last night.

We own what planet we pass on to our children. If we are responsible enough to keep them alive, thanks Nationwide.

We have the choice to continue the patterns we see on the internet. Or we can be the positive images of change we want, thanks Coca-Cola.

We can make sure both parents are idolized and break the self-fulfilling prophecy that honoring one somehow diminishes the other. It's OK to love, esteem and honor dad as much as mom, thanks Toyota, Nissan and who ever I missed that made a point to showcase dad last night.

It's OK to be silly sometimes. Thanks Skittles.

Owing and pursuing your dream matters. Thanks GoDaddy and American Family Insurance for honoring dreamers and entrepreneurs.

We have an obligation to use technological advances to benefit every body. Thank you, Microsoft for the reminder.

The tone and overall vibe last night was very different than its been in recent years but it is a reflection of what's going on in the world today. Gone was the gratuitous and over the top celebrity hocking. Celebrities were used sparingly but powerfully. More every day people like you and me were part of this year's ads. We were not forced to feel like we were not pretty nor handsome enough to be part of this world party. We were challenged to not just sit and absorb messages, we were shocked into speaking about topics that we often ignore. We were jolted from the comfort of our parties and celebrations to see that we have a responsibility as citizens of this planet. We were told it's not gonna happen without us, we must participate.  I woke up proud to be part of a community that was daring enough to tell us stories we needed to hear. Kudos to brands for having the courage not to just hock products to us but to attempt to make our world a better place through powerful and expensive messages.

And thanks to the New England Patriots and Seattle Seahawks for an exciting game in between my favorite marketing event of every year.

The Importance of The Rival

Thor and Loki - rivals through and through

Being an entrepreneur the last few years have put me in a season where I am not constantly aware of who my rivals are.

Sure, I have insight into companies who are in the same space as me. And the longer I am in business, the more I hear about who is also doing similar work to mine.

But the dynamic of rivalry is one that I have sorely missed lately and it only took running into one of my fiercest rivals from high school to remind me.

Take a step back with me to the late 1980s in the now defunct SICA East conference in the south suburbs of Chicago - girls tennis. My first two years at Bloom High School found me mostly undefeated in conference and going down at the Sectional tournament narrowly as a freshman and sophomore as a first and second singles player. My coaches and I were sure and certain that my junior and senior years would be my glory years. When I say coaches, I mean both my school and my park district off season coaches. There was a focused team of three adults and myself working toward my tennis glory.   There was really only one girl from Homewood-Flossmoor High School standing in the way in my conference and since I was a year older than her, we felt confident that I could grow my game and even if I never beat her, I could still achieve my goals. She was my rival. All that was well and good until my senior year when her younger more powerful sister entered the conference.

Needless to say, I never won a conference title as a sister from that family (and there were 3 of them) kept me from it.  I cannot even begin to describe all that has been running through my head since I was reconnected with her in a business meeting some 26 years later. She is an amazing woman today. We both are. We ran into each other as we are both at the top of our career game - me, as an up and coming entrepreneur impacting policy to grow small business in Illinois, her as a superstar state legal counsel for Illinois.  Our laughter, hugs and reminiscing reminded me of the importance of a rival.

Rivals humble us. 

Regardless the field of expertise or the sport in question, having a rival  - especially a good one - is a humbling experience. Nothing causes you to check yourself more than a brilliant rival.  Seeing your skills and talents, in all their glory, come up short against those of a rival is great experience in perspective.  Perhaps that is why many people surround themselves with their equals or folks who are less talented to keep them "at the top" in the eyes of those not observing closely. This gross lack of humility inhibits growth. Formidable rivals force you to acknowledge your flaws. Flaws that, once acknowledged, must be dealt with in order to compete with that rival or anyone else. The ability to see, recognize and improve on flaws are critical to great leadership. Often times, it is tough to do without a rival to humble us to start the process.

Rivals drive innovation.

When there are people around you excelling in the same areas as you, you have two choices. You can chase them in that area of focus and do your best to catch up and surpass them. Or, you can get creative and find a new way to compete. Thinking back to my tennis days, I never beat one of those players, ever. And I went to college in the fall of 1989 completely soured on tennis. Instead of forcing myself to play a game that I clearly didn't love anymore, I discovered rugby and loved it. Later, I played soccer and really enjoyed that. Fast forward to my life as an entrepreneur, early in my business I did lots of different projects and could hardly distinguish my work from others in my space. In the fall of 2013, my company underwent a brand reboot and launched my brand promise, Engage, Collaborate, Lead. The very next time I bid on a project or was up against a similar small business for municipal work, the ability to articulate my methodology of work made all the difference. My company drove 300% year over year growth through the first 3 quarters of 2014. Understanding what set me apart from my rivals became the very engine of my business. Today, when I am selling against the leading provider of strategic planning services in the state of Illinois, I know precisely what levers to pull and how to further distinguish Relationships Matter Now and we are quickly catching the leader who has years more experience ahead of us in the game.

Sometimes as an entrepreneur you forget to look for rivals in the hustle of growing your business. You forget the role they play in your growth and trajectory. Take some time to look around you and be more aware of the rivals in what you do. If you allow them, they can drive you to be a better you.

Oh, and I did play tennis again for a small Christian college my final year of college when I was part of the inaugural women's team at our school after playing one 0-8 season on the men's team. It was great to be the captain leading a new program and I owe my tenacity to play with men for one season to my high school tennis rivals.

Thanks Okorafors.

3 Things Clients Say And What They REALLY Mean

Entrepreneurs are among the most optimistic people on the planet and with good reason. It takes tremendous courage and resilience to build something from nothing and to keep building year over year. Entering the 4th full year of business ownership, I've learned how to decipher what clients and potentials really mean when they say certain things. Regardless of where you are in your entrepreneurial journey, the sooner you understand these 3 things clients (and potentials) say and what they REALLY mean, the better off you will be.

1. You have one or two typos in your proposal, it's no big deal but you should be aware.

This is code for if I didn't know and trust you, I'd have judged you. There have been multiple times in my journey that I have heard this from someone who bought from me already. While I went back to look for the typos, I have to say it wasn't until late last year that I paid someone to review my writing, all the time.  And that is not cool. I am certain that my oversight has cost me business.  On one RFP we lost, the gentleman who gave me feedback told me that my "typos did not affect the vote" but the fact that he mentioned them tells me it's important. Your friend/colleague/potential is telling you to stop being sloppy and it is blessing that they are doing so. It is tough to pay for services at any stage of your business but especially in the early days. It is easy to review things yourself and hope for the best. The problem is you only have one shot with some folks, even people who know and trust you.  Don't do what I did and ignore suggestions for proofreading. Do something. Today.  It is worth it in the long run. Don't lose business or face over a typo.

2.  Our team is having some heartburn, I'm working on it. 

This is classic for one person has a major sticking point in something you said and I'm trying to clean it up.  While this one is not one you hear often, it is common when you present to groups and have to get many different people to buy into your idea/solution/service. Don't be afraid to ask your contact point blank what the issue is. I had several instances of this and in 2014, I mustered up the courage to ask my client directly. They were so relieved for several reasons. One, they did not want to "give up the information"without a direct inquiry. It was a very sensitive discussion and because I asked directly, I gave them an opportunity to tell me with a clean conscience. Two, they were genuinely in a tough spot of not knowing how to answer.  The people who know you and want to do business with you are putting themselves out to bring you in. When there is push-back, it is on you to make it easy for them to advocate without selling you. Asking directly what the issue is and for an opportunity to address it yourself. This not only makes life easier on your contact  but gives you another shot to demonstrate why you are the right person for the job. You take the burden of selling you off your pal and put it firmly where it belongs - in your own hands.

3.  We are having some challenges with the budget.

"Challenges with the budget" means you have not clearly articulated how you will add value to the organization with your project. This one is really cut and dry - it needs to be crystal clear how what you will do will  do one of the following: save the company money,  make the company money or solve a problem that has gone unsolved. Now, when consulting in the space that I am in organizational development, inclusion strategy or strategic planning, it is slightly tougher to articulate but must be done. The person on the other side of your proposal wants to work with you. People don't get to the proposal stage of potential projects without a clear budget expectation in mind. When you get to the final stages of the sale and money is the issue, you have not demonstrated value very well.  Ask the budget, whenever possible. You avoid putting yourself in a tough spot later by taking the risk to learn what the budget is as soon as you can. Another tactic we use is finding out the "pain", the thing that keeps them up at night.  When you can solve a problem that is eating away at someone, they always find the "budget." No joke.  My favorite example was last year when a potential and I went back and forth for a few months on a project that he could not get approved budget wise. Finally, I sent him a note that stated why we may not be a fit at this time and how I am ready when they are ready for my type of services. Within 2 weeks, he came back with his own discretionary budget. When you clearly show how what you can do, people find the funds.

Those are the most common things I've heard over the last 3 years and how we've solved for them. We rarely hear these anymore.  Take time to peek behind the words and understand what people are really saying, especially people who connect with you. Few people connect with the intention of wasting time.  Make it easy on all involved by anticipating needs and addressing them for smoother selling.

3 Drivers That Hold #TeamBarreto Together

Portrait of a good team - #TeamBarreto established 2000

Over dinner this past weekend, the entire Barreto clan was reduced to tears of laughter several times simply because my husband and I feigned like we were smearing hot fudge on our bodies in the middle of a Red Robin restaurant. It was down right hilarious and even as I write about it now, I cannot stop smiling. I also cannot stop thinking about the fact that it's been fourteen years since we formed #TeamBarreto and I am so excited we are still going strong.

Fourteen years of marriage is a coup for both me and my husband. I did not see many successful marriages in my life as I grew up. There are a few in my family but those couples lived far from us and so I did not see the "ins and outs" of how they did it. On my husband's side, there were none. He always tells me he never saw or even knew anyone with a decent marriage as he grew up or in adulthood. We have come to know that our union is a blessing and there are few key drivers that make #TeamBarreto work.

#TeamBarreto Laughs.

One of the most important attributes of #TeamBarreto is our ability to laugh. We laugh a lot; as a couple, as a family and individually. We are all very light-hearted and goofy by nature and I believe it is one of the most valuable traits that keeps our team going. Even during the most difficult times over these past 14 years, this clan ALWAYS finds a reason to laugh.  Laughing is an Olympic event in our house. We compete to see who can make the others laugh more. And when one of us in down, we get down with them and find a way to bring a smile through tears. There are inside jokes and goofy nicknames for bodily functions. We have eye contact codes and even our own language. Laughing is our medicine and we keep the cabinet stocked.

#TeamBarreto Lives Within Their Means

To an outsider, it may seem like we Barretos "live it up." Hotel stays in the city, memberships to city museums and the many travel adventures would lead someone to think we spend lots and lots of money. We do but we also sacrifice and forgo many, many other things. If you've ever been fortunate enough to be invited in our house, you've seen our hodgepodge of garage sale and second-hand store furniture.  If you've ever complimented me on something I'm wearing, you've heard how I got the $399 BCBG brand new sequin skirt for $24 from the second hand store in Wicker Park or how I scoured the clearance rack at Nordstrom Rack to get the yoga outfit for under $10.  We Barretos live within our means. We shop clearance. We Netflix more than we see 1st run movies. We eat out every two weeks versus every week. We have a budget and every one knows how it works and what priorities are on it. In the time since I started my business, we've even lived below our means, just to be safe.

#TeamBarreto Honors Their Values

Our team works well because we have aligned ourselves around our values. Be it "kindness rules," "find the fun," "travel always" or "try something new",  #TeamBarreto honors its values in our daily lives. For example, we love to travel. We have always loved to travel and even in the transition from my large corporate salary to building my company, we kept our travel desires alive. We had to make sacrifices to ensure that our value of "travel always" remained even as it was slightly more difficult to execute. Day-to-day, we take deep breaths as we interact keeping in mind our "kindness rules" value. Rarely, do you hear screaming in our house and you certainly don't hear disparaging name calling or negative talk spewing at one another. We all agreed that we want to honor our differences another way - no negative talk toward each other.  We also make it a point to find the fun in all situations. Recently, we were faced with an extremely trying few weeks and it was awesome to see every member of the family "finding the fun" in our hardship.

While there are no guarantees in life and I cannot say for certain that nothing will happen to our team, I do know this - we are a solid team because of the aforementioned attributes. We have made it this far by holding on to those traits and buoying each other through the storms that life has pushed our way. We will surely have a shot at 14 more years and beyond because we know and honor what got us to this point.

What holds your team together?