My Journey To My New Normal - You Coming?

So anyone who has known me for any length of time knows I do my best to follow the simple instructions of that post-it at the top of this post. And that is why it's especially vexing to live in our Facebook fairytale world these days.

Take this past Sunday for instance.

Easter Sunday.

Resurrection Sunday.

Christians and even many non-Christians kept a string of happy pastel colored photos in my stream all day. No ill feelings for that. I am one of those folks is happy when people I love are happy. But I'm also one of those folks who feel sad and feel deeply when my people are sad. But it's a fine line these days for the extended tribe. Of course those who are close to me are intimately aware of what's happening. In my desire to live authentically, I don't struggle with sharing my current state of affairs openly and regularly. But in our social media highlights versus day-to-day living, it is tough to keep it real.

How do you express sadness without evoking pity in our Facebook era?

How do you keep it real about where you are without bumming everyone out?

Well right along with all those other things that Sunday was to masses, it had been a very special day to me in the past. Sunday March 27 marked what would have been the 15 anniversary of my marriage that crumbled under the weight of depression that swallowed up my partner of 15 years late last year.

Yep.

I am not hiding or hesitating to state that every chance I get.

I am sad.

I am mourning as are my two kids.

It's natural and normal to feel this way but it's whole 'nother thing to post about it. But I'm hoping to change that. There is dignity in opening mourning your losses. People learn how to love you when allow yourself to be broken before them. And we are broken.

But like the hope that is in the hearts of those who actually celebrate Easter and Resurrection - we all know that there can be no Sunday morning without a Friday afternoon. Trauma. Sadness. Death. All necessary to rise again. Well that space between the death and the resurrection is where we are living these days in my house. We are doing the best we can under the circumstances we have.

We could not get all dressed up take photos of our holiday happenings because it was all we could do to make our food and smile and be with each other this year. And when I finally looked at the calendar at the end of the day and saw that it was a day we used to celebrate with fervor, the sadness overcame me and I had to share it.

My relationship with reality is too solid to fake it for the masses. So we must endure these days and this pain to have our resurrection as a family in its new form. We are gonna talk about it and share it and hope that others will join us on our journey to our new normal.

3 Drivers That Hold #TeamBarreto Together

Portrait of a good team - #TeamBarreto established 2000

Over dinner this past weekend, the entire Barreto clan was reduced to tears of laughter several times simply because my husband and I feigned like we were smearing hot fudge on our bodies in the middle of a Red Robin restaurant. It was down right hilarious and even as I write about it now, I cannot stop smiling. I also cannot stop thinking about the fact that it's been fourteen years since we formed #TeamBarreto and I am so excited we are still going strong.

Fourteen years of marriage is a coup for both me and my husband. I did not see many successful marriages in my life as I grew up. There are a few in my family but those couples lived far from us and so I did not see the "ins and outs" of how they did it. On my husband's side, there were none. He always tells me he never saw or even knew anyone with a decent marriage as he grew up or in adulthood. We have come to know that our union is a blessing and there are few key drivers that make #TeamBarreto work.

#TeamBarreto Laughs.

One of the most important attributes of #TeamBarreto is our ability to laugh. We laugh a lot; as a couple, as a family and individually. We are all very light-hearted and goofy by nature and I believe it is one of the most valuable traits that keeps our team going. Even during the most difficult times over these past 14 years, this clan ALWAYS finds a reason to laugh.  Laughing is an Olympic event in our house. We compete to see who can make the others laugh more. And when one of us in down, we get down with them and find a way to bring a smile through tears. There are inside jokes and goofy nicknames for bodily functions. We have eye contact codes and even our own language. Laughing is our medicine and we keep the cabinet stocked.

#TeamBarreto Lives Within Their Means

To an outsider, it may seem like we Barretos "live it up." Hotel stays in the city, memberships to city museums and the many travel adventures would lead someone to think we spend lots and lots of money. We do but we also sacrifice and forgo many, many other things. If you've ever been fortunate enough to be invited in our house, you've seen our hodgepodge of garage sale and second-hand store furniture.  If you've ever complimented me on something I'm wearing, you've heard how I got the $399 BCBG brand new sequin skirt for $24 from the second hand store in Wicker Park or how I scoured the clearance rack at Nordstrom Rack to get the yoga outfit for under $10.  We Barretos live within our means. We shop clearance. We Netflix more than we see 1st run movies. We eat out every two weeks versus every week. We have a budget and every one knows how it works and what priorities are on it. In the time since I started my business, we've even lived below our means, just to be safe.

#TeamBarreto Honors Their Values

Our team works well because we have aligned ourselves around our values. Be it "kindness rules," "find the fun," "travel always" or "try something new",  #TeamBarreto honors its values in our daily lives. For example, we love to travel. We have always loved to travel and even in the transition from my large corporate salary to building my company, we kept our travel desires alive. We had to make sacrifices to ensure that our value of "travel always" remained even as it was slightly more difficult to execute. Day-to-day, we take deep breaths as we interact keeping in mind our "kindness rules" value. Rarely, do you hear screaming in our house and you certainly don't hear disparaging name calling or negative talk spewing at one another. We all agreed that we want to honor our differences another way - no negative talk toward each other.  We also make it a point to find the fun in all situations. Recently, we were faced with an extremely trying few weeks and it was awesome to see every member of the family "finding the fun" in our hardship.

While there are no guarantees in life and I cannot say for certain that nothing will happen to our team, I do know this - we are a solid team because of the aforementioned attributes. We have made it this far by holding on to those traits and buoying each other through the storms that life has pushed our way. We will surely have a shot at 14 more years and beyond because we know and honor what got us to this point.

What holds your team together?

Marriage Is Work - The Best Kind

Ben Affleck and Jen Garner during the 2013 Award Season - a good one for Ben

Way back in February, I wrote a post about 2013 Academy Award winning Best Picture Argo's Director, Ben Affleck. That post was solely about the work part of his triumph. Find it here. I was so impressed and did not get to actually see the movie until a few weeks ago. Fired up to cheer for Ben all these months later, I was reminded of his acceptance speech all over again. I loved the speech. Every word. And while before I chose to focus on the work part of the speech and pursuing your dreams, it is the other "work" part of the speech, I'd like to focus on today.  Ben said something to his wife, fellow actor, Jennifer Garner, about his marriage that sent the internet abuzz.

"I want to thank you for working on our marriage for 10 Christmases. It’s good, it is work, but it’s the best kind of work, and there’s no one I’d rather work with."

We are full speed into the 2013 wedding season now and what better time to shine a light on Mr. Affleck's wise statement.  Marriage is work. No doubt. Without question.

Many people tried to read into his statement as if something was "wrong" in their marriage. He went so far as to "defend" his statement in a SNL monologue months later, inviting his wife to join him. Ben, you needn't have worried. Those of us toiling in our own (12 years and counting over here) marriages get it. More people would be wise to listen to what you said. Even in his SNL defense - he touched on something I think most people can relate to as well.

"You define what’s important to you by what you dedicate your time to."

After seeing the masterpiece that is his work in Argo - I got it all over again. I have for the last few years been building a business and love my work. Just as I love my marriage and family. Work has such a huge impact on my life and I can see how easy it is to parallel almost every thing else to it.

Owning a business is work.

Anything worth having, requires work. 

Most valuable things are created with work.

Raising kids with someone else is work.

Wealth is created the first time with work.

And yes, marriages that go the duration also entail work. Kudos to a Hollywood star for being so brutally honest with us and sharing that they, too, experience some aspects of life like the rest of us.

I have always appreciated Ben Affleck. Thanks, Ben for validating that irrational appreciation.

3 Reasons Gay Marriage Does Not Bother This Jesus Freak

Last week, I was traveling when the AP alert interrupted my day announcing that President Obama had come out in support of gay marriage. I have to admit that I was shocked at all the media coverage that followed on the topic. It was literally the top news story for three straight days.

After the shock wore off and I'd had a chance to really think about it - my reaction is this post - simple and pointed; 3 Reasons Gay Marriage Does Not Bother This Jesus Freak

1. I Say No to Discrimination of Any Kind

As a black, Jesus loving person - I cannot support discrimination of any kind.  I am not really sure how to elaborate on this one. It is cut and dry with me. Discrimination of any kind is wrong. When you read about the rights and protections that gays are trying to achieve through legalizing their unions, what is the reason not to grant it and move on? A culture that allows discrimination against any group operating within it means that at any time that discrimination could be thrust upon any other group. We must come to a place in our culture where we no longer tolerate any discrimination at all. Period.


2. Gay Marriage Has No Bearing On My Marriage

Whenever I hear the argument that gay marriage somehow "diminishes" or otherwise negatively affects heterosexual marriage, I get livid. What in the world kind of logic would make one come to that conclusion? Marriage is a very intimate yet public contract between me, my husband and God. As I look around me at many heterosexual marriages in distress or breaking up, it grieves me and impacts how I work to protect mine but does not really have anything to do with my marriage. Why should gays being married be any different? We are secure in our marriage and it really doesn't matter who else is married or not married- it has no bearing on my marriage.


3. Compassion Trumps Everything

This one is really a representation of my faith in action. When in doubt, I go with compassion toward others. Compassion toward their stance, their position versus fighting philosophical battles. We must stop living a zero sum game on these social issues, where someone has to lose and someone has to win. In the case of gay marriage - what do I lose if gays are granted the right to be united with their partners and have it recognized by our government? My faith does not change. My marriage does not change. I've heard church leaders say that they "love the sinner but hate the sin." That statement is not bad in and of itself - but my question is this - is not all sin equal? Are some sins more egregious than others? Are you this upset about premarital sex? What about coveting? From the reactions of the last week, it's pretty clear that in the eyes of man - not all sin is equal. Regardless, I choose compassion toward the people behind this uproar. The people who, like me, have chosen to love and honor one person for their lifetime. People who desire to make a commitment and have it recognized by society in the same way that my marriage is recognized. I believe I will be on the right side of history on this topic with this point alone.

Ultimately, this, like many other social issues, comes down to relationships and the concept of free will. I am convinced that people who are secure in their choices don't worry about the choices of others. I am radically in love with Jesus and his teachings but I would not dare impose them on others. Expose them? Absolutely but impose them, never. My relationship with myself is solid and healthy and allows me to see clearly the boundaries of my rights versus the rights of others. Finally, free will is the rule of the day. God allowed me the "free will" to follow or not follow him. Of course he could have commanded me to be a believer but alas he did not. He gave me a choice. I, like him, like to extend the choice of free will on others.

Because of this, gay marriage does not bother this Jesus Freak.