My Own Personal War On Depression Start Now

The World of A Depressed Person And Those That Love Them

Over the last few years, I've lived through and witnessed the devastating effects of depression on an individual.

From the slow decline and subtle transformational changes to a traumatic event that thrust it into full light, depression devoured someone I loved.

It started with a decline in external connections. Really easy to miss especially in someone who had so few connections to begin with. I didn't pay much attention to what was being said at the time but now it's so clear. Invitations declined. Inquiries brushed off. Negative or neutral comments about every one who showed even the slightest interest in maintaining contact.

Then I noticed the disconnection from our family. Further and further drifts into the internet or other interests outside our close knit family. Almost never truly being present. And when there was presence, there was frustration and irritation. Few smiles, fewer conversations. Raising the issue only caused tension and further isolation - risks I'm not afraid of and continued to push.

Good days and strings of good days declined. I'd hold on to those good times as indications that the poor times were a figment of my overachieving imagination. Pushed along. Pushed forward. Then in August 2014, the final facade in the charade of depression was shattered. A traumatic and swift event stole the final "front" that kept my loved floating through life.

Quickly after the trauma and only at my insistence, a trip to a psychologist rendered a diagnosis and a treatment plan was laid out but never followed. To this day almost 15 months later, the treatment plan sits on a doctor's chart and burning in my brain. After the diagnosis, month-by-month, I watched the further disconnection from reality and the deeper deception that is depression.  I've watched this disease convince someone they are garbage and not worth loving or hiring.

Darkness
Rejection.
Frustration.
Guilt.
Despair.
Hopelessness.
Repeat.

That's what happens when depression is untreated, over and over again - not just to the clinically depressed person but to the people close to them trying to help. What's scary to me is the fact that people live like this in relative obscurity in our society. They have families, marriages, jobs and all the things the rest of us have yet very few people really know and understand their existence. And it is a stark existence. 

I have surrendered my loved one and my marriage to this untreated depression for my own peace of mind.  We are on the upside of this reality and managing well the transition from the life we had to the life that awaits us.

But I am now awake to the horror that is depression. I will no longer suffer in silence. I declare war on depression for the sake of those sinking in battle alone. You are not alone. There are many of us fighting. We may lose battles

but we can win the war.  Depression, like all other evils, counts on our silence.


My ask, take notice.  Don't shy away from conversations. Pick up the phone. Visit people.
Ask for help. Connect with others who suffer. Find support groups. Talk about your suffering.

Do something. Depression counts on you to do nothing.

My relationship with depression is no longer secret. It's public and it's war.

Where I Learned Happy

Me and my college neighbor, Dina

People who know me would say that I am a happy, positive and optimistic person.

Without question, this is true.

A recent afternoon shopping trip reminded me of where I first "learned" that behavior. It was after my time living next door to Dina McReynolds at Judson College that I learned to consistently be positive.

Dina and I were alike in many ways but we are also very different. On the small homogeneous campus of Judson College in the early 1990s, we stood out. Not just because of our infectious laughter and penchant for fun, but because we were both very confident and bold in so many ways. We were both singers who graced our chapel stage for fun and for worship.

We both had our band of sisterfriends. And we both had our stories of pain and triumph.  I was very guarded and only let a few folks in, it was a tough road to truly get to know me because of my cynicism and biting sense of humor. Some days, I think about all the people who just recoiled when I'd intentionally say something to "test" their will to become my friend.  Thankfully, those days were cut short in 1991 when our group of loud girlfriends got assigned to live next door to an even louder group of girlfriends, who were seniors in Volkman Hall.

I'd been exposed to Dina from a distance the previous two years at Judson but really did not get to know her until that school year and the following two years after her graduation in 1992 and mine in 1993. Late night chats, treks to the south side to raid her closet and a host of other fun and crazy times marked our friendship. Dina singlehandedly taught me that I am a lightweight who should never drink or party past 10 pm. The summer of 1993, my first summer as a 21 year old working at U.S. Soccer Federation, for 30 days  I hung out with Dina and our crew. The Wild Hare. The Metro. Places I don't even remember - if they were in the city and were open past 2 am - we'd paid them a visit, trust me. By August 1, it was clear that I was not cut out to "hang out." But I was cut out to be perpetually positive.

Through everything, Dina always had a smile and a positive word. Even when folks were CLEARLY treating us poorly out and about, Dina always responded with positive energy. Make no mistake, she let folks know they were out of line but she did it positively. In fact, recently I was reminded that I have a gift of telling people to go to hell while convincing them to enjoy the trip. I'm certain my time with Dina influenced that skill.

Over the years, we lost touch but thanks to Facebook, we reconnected. And over the last two years, I've really recalled what she meant to me. Her energy, her passion for life and most of all her ability to lift others even during her toughest moments influenced me for good.  Dina has demonstrated that our happiness is not circumstantial. She has been a purveyor of love even when it hurts. I admire her strength and am humbled to call her my friend.

This year after not seeing her for over 10 years, I've seen her twice. Both times, we laughed and connected as if no time had passed. As I observed her, in two different settings, with different people, I realized her influence on me way back when I was struggling to find my own sense of self and my peace. There is no way I'll let so much time pass again.  I am grateful to have spend time with the person who taught me "happy."

Thanks Dina

My Circle of Life Moment

There goes another rubber tree plant

Over the years, whenever I heard the theme song from the 1994 classic Disney movie, The Lion King, it never meant much to me. I'd just sing along with Sir Elton John and reminisce about the great animated tale of King Mufasa and Simba's journey to his destiny.

This past April 1, for the first time ever, I had a personal connection to that simple song. The ficus "rubber tree" plant in the photo above was gifted to my very best friend when her beloved mom passed away suddenly. After the memorial, as we were clearing the funeral home of all their belongings and all the wonderful floral tributes to her, I was stopped in my tracks seeing this plant.

It was my circle of life.

You see, when my mom passed away in 1976, someone gave us a similar plant. I grew up with that plant and it was taller than me when I left for college in the fall of 1989. I loved that plant, for it represented so much. It was the vitality and  living breathing proof of my mom's existence for a very long time. I am not a green thumb at all but I did care for that particular plant. (I hear they are pretty hard to kill). When I left for college, I took for granted that that plant would be there or would one day be mine. I did not think to verbalize my love for that plant at that time. A series of unfortunate events happened over the years and along with all my baby photos with my mom,  that plant disappeared from my life. I cannot tell you I ever even felt the loss of the plant.

I've mourned the loss of my pictures many times but the plant was an obscure hurt that I did not feel again until that day in April standing in a central Illinois funeral home. I immediately felt drawn to the plant.  I mentioned to my BFF my story, briefly and succinctly. We were very absorbed in her grief and it felt selfish to even say it but I am glad I did.

Later that afternoon as we were leaving, she called me into the living room with her brother and her father and asked me to take and care for the plant in honor of her mom and my mom. I could not keep my composure. It's even taken me months to write this because the overwhelming emotion of thinking how amazing it is - this thing we call life.

Really.

This friend who was pushed off my lap in 1990 and almost wasn't my friend.

24 years of friendship.

A clear schedule on my calendar for the precise days she needed me.

A ficus plant someone thought to send.

If that is not the "circle of life", then I don't know what is.

Stop Wishin' and Hopin' - Start Doin'

One of my favorite songs of all time has just taken on a new and different meaning. Seven years before I entered planet Earth, a relatively unknown English singer released what would go on to be one of her Top 10 international hit records. Written by American songwriter Burt Bachrach and recorded by many through the years, Dusty Springfield's version of Wishin and Hopin remains my favorite. Always my go-to on karaoke night  and  high on my list of Denise's all-time favorites, I listen to this song often. Recently, while preparing for a string of days jam packed with business meetings, the lyrics fell on me in a new and different way.

Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'
Plannin' and dreamin' each night of his charms
That won't get you into his arms
So if you're lookin' to find love you can share
All you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and love him
And show him that you care

Clearly, the song is about love and being intentional expressing your love for someone who may or may not know you are there. Well, the same could be said about entrepreneurship.

Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' plannin' and and dreamin' each night... won't get you a successful business either.

This song speaks about specific action to make the man yours - "hold him and kiss him" "show him that you care just for him" "wear your hair just for him" because "you won't get him, thinkin' and a prayin' wishin' and a hopin." Dusty croons so eloquently that you must take action to make that romance happen.

Same goes with a dream. Entrepreneurs will tell you, you must act. Action trumps everything. Don't think of all the folks you know who may be able to help you, call them. And make sure when you call, you find a way to make them understand how you can help them or make their life easier.

Don't wait for the timing to be "just right" to start taking action, take action when it feels uncomfortable. Invest when it's a bit of a stretch, financially and otherwise. Calculate the risk and take it anyway.

Finally, believe when no one else does. Take action and believe you can make whatever you need to happen, happen. I was reminded last week of one of the first conversations I had about Relationships Matter Now over 5 years ago. My friend, who recently hired me to collaborate on a big brand marketing project,  reminded me how he believed I'd do this just by hearing my own belief in myself and my method of doing business in those early days. I had to chuckle at his memory because I was convincing myself at that time. Shortly after, I was solidly believing and there was no turning back.

Every time I hear that song and I think about this possibly shy woman in 1964 being told to "All you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and squeeze him and love him,  yeah, just do it And after you do, you will be his." Essentially, those words are pushing this woman to believe and seize the man she wants guaranteeing her that sitting around thinking and wishing and hoping won't bring him to her.  That same sentiment goes for that book you need to write, that product you need to prototype or that service offering you need to polish.

Stop wishin' and hopin' and dreamin' and start doin'.

A Film, A Desert and America's Poor Relationship With Race

I had the pleasure of seeing the new Jackie Robinson biopic "42" over this past weekend with my family. It was a great depiction of the rookie season of baseball great Jackie Robinson with the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1947. It was the first time in a long time that I heard other folks in the theater react and verbally respond to characters in a movie. It was also the first time I'd ever experienced people clapping at the conclusion of a film.

Well done, Warner Bros.

I also applaud Warner Bros and this film for helping me as I have recently come through what I'm calling a "desert" experience personally. My "desert" from the end of February until the end of March was an intensive time of introspection for me as I was challenged to my core - almost daily -  on every thought, action and belief I have related to race, gender, poverty and struggle. The external events that came in rapid fire seemed almost unreal as it was playing out. There were a few days when I literally cried out to God for respite... rest.

But alas that respite did not come. It was clear to me 1/2 way through the 30 days that this "season" I was experiencing had a purpose. It was amply clear that I needed to re-evaluate my response, my reaction to everyday conversations, quips and thoughts related to race. No longer could I ignore this or downplay it. I was literally being faced with extreme racially charged situations regularly to refine my thoughts and my heart about race.

It was rich and seeing "42" this weekend sealed for me what one of my conclusions had revealed late last month.

We have come very far with race relations in the United States but we have painfully far to go. 

Nothing made that more evident than watching this film set in 1947. Dare I say, it was simpler then. Dare I say, at least you KNEW what you were facing in the way of biases, discrimination and outright refusal to extend equality. Today is it much more subtle. Much more covert. And worst, it is vehemently denied now.

People go out of their way to say how unbiased they are all while their daily actions and interactions reinforce just how deeply biased they are in reality. People argue tooth and nail how much "better" it is today for black Americans in the United States. And it is.

But it is still not where it should be.

And it's up to all of us to to make it better. My "desert" experience showed me where I have areas of opportunity to help. I am grateful I was open to learning. Grateful to see 42 with my family to continue the discussion started in our household before.

What will you do?

Are you willing to have open honest conversations about race with others?

Can we take a step toward true reconciliation in our country without those conversations?

Only You Know What Matters To You



Barreto Family at Universal Studios - Studio City, CA Spring 2013

I was recently asked "how in the world do you afford to travel so much with two kids?"

The simple answer is it is our family priority.

And the complex long winded answer is it is our family priority.

We are committed to exposing our kids to our country and many others around the globe as much as possible. It has been a priority since we got married. It was even a priority of mine personally before I ever even had my passport.

As a kid, we did most of our family travel to other family members in states across the Midwest or Eastern Seaboard. It was fun and I enjoyed it thoroughly. But as a voracious reader who'd traveled the globe through my books from a very early age, I vowed to travel.

Then I married my husband who hails from central Mexico and also had tremendous desire to travel. Early in our marriage, we were blessed with a short stint of me working in marketing at United Airlines where we had complimentary stand-by travel and we were hooked.

Over the years, we have made it a priority to see the world.

We don't wear designer clothes.
Most of our furniture was bought used and/or at garage sales.
We drive out of our way to shop for most of our groceries at a bargain local grocer.
Our kids only have two activities each, at any given time.
We buy most of our electronic gaming accessories used.

This past year, when our income has slipped back to 2009 levels we saw a few less movies in the theater.  We ate out a few less times per month. Our normal "celebrations" and family traditions toned down a bit.  We are currently exploring ways to drop cable and find more creative solutions for our small box viewing pleasure.

I could keep listing innovative solutions our family engages to stay 100% aligned on how we live in order to fulfill our collective desire to travel and "see things."

It is definitely tough especially this past year. The conversations we have had as a family caused us to rearrange priorities over and over until we got the result we wanted. Living the life we all could enjoy daily as well as occasionally.

My hope that we are laying the framework for our kids to have a great relationship with priorities. Our life examples give them clear messages; it is no one else's responsibility for you to have the life you want. We own the decisions that make our lives fulfilling or not. Our short term and long term priorities are fluid enough to adjust to conditions yet solid enough to give us goals to work toward. They work for us. And I love to share that with folks who may somehow think I'm sitting on a fortune over here that allows us to travel at our whim. It takes work, planning and refinement to live the way we live and I would not change it.

What about you?

What are your priorities for life? What action are you taking to make your priorities realities?

2 Tips To Strengthen Your Relationship With Rest

Spring is here!

Every spring brings a sense of renewal and restoration as part of the circle of life. Spring also brings the "break" before we start summer know as Spring Break.

This annual ritual of Spring Break reminded me to revisit my relationship with rest.

Rest and I are good friends for the most part. A voracious sleeper who strives to get a full 8 hours nightly, I rarely have trouble resting.

All bets are off when I hit a stressful patch in life where my normal coping mechanisms fail. Restlessness replaces my restful spirit. Try as I might, but rest eludes me when I need it most - during stressful times. Fortunately, my normal relationship with rest is so good that I am able to endure these times of uncertainty and function on a little less sleep. Additionally, I am able to shut down the worry machine and allow rest to creep back into its normal prominence. But the main reason my relationship with rest is good lies in two techniques I use all the time which really come in handy during the crisis moments.

Breathe Deeply Often

When I am not stressed, I make it a habit to breathe deeply for some many minutes per hour. The full on stop-what-you're-doing conscious deep concentrating breathing. Even if for only a minute or 3 each hour, this technique I've learned in my B.E.S.T. coaching has changed my life. It brings perspective. It allows me to slow down and center my thoughts. Because I do this often already, during stressful times when my coping mechanisms need re-tooling, this breathing saves me. And those around me. I pause more before I speak. I breathe deeply before I respond. It is very inexpensive self-therapy.

Take Real, Full Breaks Away

This has been toughest as an entrepreneur but without question the MOST important task on my to do list. The to don't list. The stop working, stop thinking and just be moments. Everyone needs them. Few actually take them. Because of the intense pace of life I lead, I do this weekly and schedule consecutive days off quarterly and every six months embarks on a full-on vacation. Unplugged. No work. Few gadgets. Even when financially it is rough, days off and vacation are essential. They are the fuel to get you back on track. Your body and mind need time away. You should give it that time, regularly.


Every relationship you have is affected by the relationship you have with rest. If it is strained or non-existent, I challenge you this spring to give it another look. Take a chance and re-kindle your relationship with rest.  Start with the two techniques I reference above and build from there. Ultimately, we all have our own interactions and needs related to rest - it is imperative that you build and maintain a strong healthy relationship with rest. You and people you do life with will thank you.

My Single Love of Winter

I love shoveling fluffy white snow. My relationship with winter is made on this very notion. It is the one reason I never resist winter.

Shoveling fluffy white snow.

For people who know me well, I'm certain this comes as a huge surprise. I'm not a big fan of the out of doors. Any opportunity NOT to go outside is a good one. Blame it on growing up in Chicagoland. Blame it on being forced to do yard work as child.

Doesn't matter what you blame it on - I am not a big outdoors girl. Until it snows and my driveway and corner lot needs to be cleared. Especially fluffy, light snow. You can't keep me from shoveling it. Here are the three reasons why:

Winter Exercise

Even though I don't like it outdoors, the last few years have found me running outside for about 9 months every year. I like running outside much better than doing it on a treadmill. So from March to November, you can find me running my neighborhood. Shoveling white fluffy snow is a chance for me to get in exercise at a time of year when I most likely am not running regularly. This is especially a treat now - two years post-radial tunnel release surgery in my right arm. There was a time when I did not think I'd shovel again so I am grateful to push my new ergonomic shovel.


Individual Sport

Shoveling alone in the early morning hours is bliss and reminds me of my days of playing tennis. I used to rise early and go over to the Kmart by my house and hit balls against the wall for hours at a time. Shoveling is very much an individual sport. You don't need anyone to do it. It plays to my strengths of relying only on myself for certain things. If I am "losing" the battle to falling snow, I am forced to recalibrate my work, my technique or even take a break and come back when it is done snowing.

Lovely Rhythm

When I shovel, the very sound of my action actually soothes me. You see, I lead a very, hectic and unpredictable life. Shoveling provides a rhythm that I rarely get as I don't like monotony very much. The repetitive moves and sounds make me be present and listen.  Listen to the movement. Pace my breathing to match it. Reminds me of running but from a whole different perspective. The sound echoing the neighborhood keeps me from wandering off to my next to do list or frantic motherly worry. It numbs me into being 100% present in the action of shoveling and I need that ever so often

I had to shovel TWICE in the last 72 hours and it was just what I needed at this time in my life. I am already wondering what I'm gonna do to replicate this in the near future when we split time between Spain and Chicago and I live in a fancy high rise downtown.

What activity should replace my annual snow shoveling ritual?

A Few Words To Describe My Favorite Season

Love this time of year

Ahhhhhhhh the crisp air of fall is finally here.

Transitioning to chilly days and cozy nights is my absolute favorite time of year. My relationship with Fall is solid. You never see me procrastinating to pull out the sweaters or prepare the house for winter.

The time for reflecting on the year and gearing up for a strong finish does not escape me.


Fall is my time for harvest. All the great ideas and plans that were laid early in the year start to crystallize or disintegrate now and I'm perfectly fine with that. It is a time to pick up the pace or slow it down - depending on the trajectory of the project.

Now is a time to Act,  Learn,  Repeat - quickly to understand how to plan the next year.

Fall also represents another year passing by with my late fall birthday... while the rest of the world reflects during or after the holidays. I'm usually done reflecting by Thanksgiving.

I challenge you all to look at the change around you over the next few weeks and decide on what change you will impart on your life.

How will you end this year?

What goals/objectives should be taken with you into the next year?

What must you abandon to grow?

Get to it - winter will be here before you know it!

Will YOU Carry Nelson Mandela's Torch?

Nelson Mandela drawn by Josephine Death

While I am certain we will never see "another Nelson Mandela", I can't help but hope his life will inspire others to take up his legacy of unabashed forgiveness and self-accountability.

Today as he celebrates 93 years young, I continue to be in awe of Nelson Mandela and all he stand for...

Forgiveness

Reconciliation

Self-accountability

Relationship.

Relationship with self.

Relationship with family.

Relationship with country.

Relationship with your enemy.

It is his imperfect authenticity in all the above areas that continue to intrigue me. Several times a year - I find myself obsessed with his story, his work and now, thanks to the film,  Invictus - I take refuge for a few hours in a movie that so eloquently walks us through one of his most public (and triumphant) relationship lessons.

I, for one, am picking up the torch of Nelson Mandela's life and work in my world.

Will you do it in your world as well?

What This Body Needs More Of....

My two kids doing something I love - SLEEP!

So one full week into my Coach-To-5K training program for the Sunset 5K to kick off the Summer Sunset Festival in Lake in the Hills, Labor Day weekend, I've had an epiphany!

Knocking on the door of 40 years old, having spent the last year with no athletic activity that I'd love to blame on the radial nerve problem in my right arm vs. my own apathy towards my body  - this training program has shed light on something I thought I had under control.

When you exercise more - what do you need more? What does YOUR BODY crave?

For some, it's more nutrition.

Their body needs to eat more and/or better. Someone I know eats almost DOUBLE what they normally eat when they are training for a race (my daughter Emma).

Their body needs more water. The more they workout, the more they need to replenish.

For me, it's SLEEP.

What? This from the woman who intends and is pretty successful at getting at LEAST 7 hours of sleep a day.

Yeah, every run this past week revealed to me the deep need to go back to my body's wiring and get that 8 or more hours of sleep a day.

Now it will be ANOTHER post to figure out how I do that with all my roles - wife, mom to two active kids, full-time marketer/part-time village official AND entrepreneur building a new company.

But I am so glad that my relationship with my body is so much closer that I can immediately sense something I might have missed in the past. As recent past as last year.

You see the issue with my radial nerve in my right arm has brought me in closer relationship with my body.   Therapy, surgery, therapy again and one year later with little improvement has tuned me in to this miracle I walk around in everyday. And IT has spoken.

So don't be surprise if you "see" or "hear" me dozing more like the two cute kids in the photo above.

Sleep is what this body needs more of...and because I love my body and value our relationship. I'm obliging.

Do you know what your body is asking of you?

Are you in tune with your "miracle"?