Accept People, Period: A Rant About the Semantics Of Acceptance

A few weeks back, I had a post about acceptance that garnered lots of views and reactions. It prompted me to quickly crank out this rant about acceptance.

I was challenged, privately, of course, as to what exactly did I "mean" by acceptance?

If you mean, I've got to deny my beliefs to save your feelings, then I don't accept some people.

I have my values and they inform what I accept or don't accept

and my personal favorite...

I can love someone without accepting their actions or behaviors.

Wow. Just wow.

Let's start with a dictionary definition of acceptance and there are three:

1. the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.
2. the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group.
3.      agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation

Which do you think applies to people the most? Within the context of relationships and doing life with others, which definition makes the most sense?

If you did not choose definition number 2,  then that's where we part. When I blogged about acceptance from people who I potentially want to do life with or family a few weeks back, I was specifically applying definition number two as in "received as adequate or suitable."

We are not required to agree or believe in everything around us. We are not required to consent to receive something offered to us. But we are damn sure obligated to receive people in our lives as they are - adequate and suitable - ENOUGH by simply being alive and willing to relate to us.

We have to stop this trend of taking words out of context to fit our agendas. Sure, there are several definitions of acceptance but only one applies as it relates to relationships with people. And of course, this all goes out the window where there is abuse of any kind present within a relationship.

My rant is clear. I am raging over the way we accept some stories in our lives and reject others. Whether it's gender, race, political or religious views, we have to do better.

People are enough as they are.

Stop making people feel as though they have to "do something" to be in our lives.

Quit trying to alter someone else's narrative to fit yours. 

Start by accepting yourself.

Look in the mirror and fully accept what you see and if you don't like it, then do something to change. But don't go projecting your own acceptance issues on those around you.

I fully embrace acceptance at its core meaning for those in my life and people I meet every day. We need all stories told to better our world. Who am I to reject or diminish another human being's experience and existence? Who are you?

Please take time this week to notice when you are rejecting or diminishing someone else and stop it. Everyone deserves acceptance in society and it starts one-to-one in our relationships.

Start today.

3 Drivers That Hold #TeamBarreto Together

Portrait of a good team - #TeamBarreto established 2000

Over dinner this past weekend, the entire Barreto clan was reduced to tears of laughter several times simply because my husband and I feigned like we were smearing hot fudge on our bodies in the middle of a Red Robin restaurant. It was down right hilarious and even as I write about it now, I cannot stop smiling. I also cannot stop thinking about the fact that it's been fourteen years since we formed #TeamBarreto and I am so excited we are still going strong.

Fourteen years of marriage is a coup for both me and my husband. I did not see many successful marriages in my life as I grew up. There are a few in my family but those couples lived far from us and so I did not see the "ins and outs" of how they did it. On my husband's side, there were none. He always tells me he never saw or even knew anyone with a decent marriage as he grew up or in adulthood. We have come to know that our union is a blessing and there are few key drivers that make #TeamBarreto work.

#TeamBarreto Laughs.

One of the most important attributes of #TeamBarreto is our ability to laugh. We laugh a lot; as a couple, as a family and individually. We are all very light-hearted and goofy by nature and I believe it is one of the most valuable traits that keeps our team going. Even during the most difficult times over these past 14 years, this clan ALWAYS finds a reason to laugh.  Laughing is an Olympic event in our house. We compete to see who can make the others laugh more. And when one of us in down, we get down with them and find a way to bring a smile through tears. There are inside jokes and goofy nicknames for bodily functions. We have eye contact codes and even our own language. Laughing is our medicine and we keep the cabinet stocked.

#TeamBarreto Lives Within Their Means

To an outsider, it may seem like we Barretos "live it up." Hotel stays in the city, memberships to city museums and the many travel adventures would lead someone to think we spend lots and lots of money. We do but we also sacrifice and forgo many, many other things. If you've ever been fortunate enough to be invited in our house, you've seen our hodgepodge of garage sale and second-hand store furniture.  If you've ever complimented me on something I'm wearing, you've heard how I got the $399 BCBG brand new sequin skirt for $24 from the second hand store in Wicker Park or how I scoured the clearance rack at Nordstrom Rack to get the yoga outfit for under $10.  We Barretos live within our means. We shop clearance. We Netflix more than we see 1st run movies. We eat out every two weeks versus every week. We have a budget and every one knows how it works and what priorities are on it. In the time since I started my business, we've even lived below our means, just to be safe.

#TeamBarreto Honors Their Values

Our team works well because we have aligned ourselves around our values. Be it "kindness rules," "find the fun," "travel always" or "try something new",  #TeamBarreto honors its values in our daily lives. For example, we love to travel. We have always loved to travel and even in the transition from my large corporate salary to building my company, we kept our travel desires alive. We had to make sacrifices to ensure that our value of "travel always" remained even as it was slightly more difficult to execute. Day-to-day, we take deep breaths as we interact keeping in mind our "kindness rules" value. Rarely, do you hear screaming in our house and you certainly don't hear disparaging name calling or negative talk spewing at one another. We all agreed that we want to honor our differences another way - no negative talk toward each other.  We also make it a point to find the fun in all situations. Recently, we were faced with an extremely trying few weeks and it was awesome to see every member of the family "finding the fun" in our hardship.

While there are no guarantees in life and I cannot say for certain that nothing will happen to our team, I do know this - we are a solid team because of the aforementioned attributes. We have made it this far by holding on to those traits and buoying each other through the storms that life has pushed our way. We will surely have a shot at 14 more years and beyond because we know and honor what got us to this point.

What holds your team together?

Which YOU Do You Do?

Coming off an incredible 48 hours of intense leadership training, my head is still spinning, 2 days later. All the incredible knowledge from lawyers, doctors,  Ivy League professors, corporate gurus, international pastors and some of the every day people like me who covered the event on the digital experience team is just bursting from my brain.

The one thing I feel compelled to share now, as I sort thru the most important nuggets to make action around in my life and business, is the point of "which you do you do?"

Meaning, which "you" do you do most often in your life? We all have this aspirational "you" - the person we idealize in our heads and if asked, is most likely the "you" we describe when folks ask us for a self-description.  The person who has specific principles and values that we can quickly rattle off. Many of us also have the "real" you that vaguely resembles the "you" on paper. This the  "you" that shows up in our every day living that rarely actually uses those principles and values that we hold "close to our hearts."

Over and over as I listened to talk after talk, I kept challenging myself with this question, "do I really live up to the me I have dreamed in my head?" I would nod in agreement to many principles that were given and then ask myself, "do I live out those principles as often as I can?" I would peer deep into my own consciousness and look for inconsistencies as I furiously agreed and co-signed with many of the topics and themes discussed at the WCA Global Leadership Summit. Speaker after speaker referred to the important work of being honest on who you are, where you are so that you can make goals to be better. 

I am happy to report that after much self-reflection, I'm congruent. The "me" in my heart and on paper is very close to the me I live. I even checked in with a couple of close advisers and they agreed with my conclusion. This was super important to me as I invest regularly in my own personal growth and development. One of the "returns" on my investments is the ability to actually see my own values and principles put into action on a regular basis. It's not enough for me to "hear" and have my values reinforced if I am not actually converting that into action in my life and business.

Now, I throw the challenge to you. Have you made an effort to ensure that the "you" on paper and in your heart is aligned with your daily living? Do you make choices that honor your principles and values regularly? Are there people around to help you in this endeavor of being the best "you" you can be? If the answer is not in the affirmative to each question, that is OK. Taking the time to reflect and ask those questions are the first step to getting you there. But I challenge you to get to work on this immediately.

Regardless the theme or topic, it is imperative that the "you" you do every day lines up to the "you" you value most. One way to experience life the way you've dreamed is to bring your dream world into reality, starting with you.