The Importance of The Rival

Thor and Loki - rivals through and through

Being an entrepreneur the last few years have put me in a season where I am not constantly aware of who my rivals are.

Sure, I have insight into companies who are in the same space as me. And the longer I am in business, the more I hear about who is also doing similar work to mine.

But the dynamic of rivalry is one that I have sorely missed lately and it only took running into one of my fiercest rivals from high school to remind me.

Take a step back with me to the late 1980s in the now defunct SICA East conference in the south suburbs of Chicago - girls tennis. My first two years at Bloom High School found me mostly undefeated in conference and going down at the Sectional tournament narrowly as a freshman and sophomore as a first and second singles player. My coaches and I were sure and certain that my junior and senior years would be my glory years. When I say coaches, I mean both my school and my park district off season coaches. There was a focused team of three adults and myself working toward my tennis glory.   There was really only one girl from Homewood-Flossmoor High School standing in the way in my conference and since I was a year older than her, we felt confident that I could grow my game and even if I never beat her, I could still achieve my goals. She was my rival. All that was well and good until my senior year when her younger more powerful sister entered the conference.

Needless to say, I never won a conference title as a sister from that family (and there were 3 of them) kept me from it.  I cannot even begin to describe all that has been running through my head since I was reconnected with her in a business meeting some 26 years later. She is an amazing woman today. We both are. We ran into each other as we are both at the top of our career game - me, as an up and coming entrepreneur impacting policy to grow small business in Illinois, her as a superstar state legal counsel for Illinois.  Our laughter, hugs and reminiscing reminded me of the importance of a rival.

Rivals humble us. 

Regardless the field of expertise or the sport in question, having a rival  - especially a good one - is a humbling experience. Nothing causes you to check yourself more than a brilliant rival.  Seeing your skills and talents, in all their glory, come up short against those of a rival is great experience in perspective.  Perhaps that is why many people surround themselves with their equals or folks who are less talented to keep them "at the top" in the eyes of those not observing closely. This gross lack of humility inhibits growth. Formidable rivals force you to acknowledge your flaws. Flaws that, once acknowledged, must be dealt with in order to compete with that rival or anyone else. The ability to see, recognize and improve on flaws are critical to great leadership. Often times, it is tough to do without a rival to humble us to start the process.

Rivals drive innovation.

When there are people around you excelling in the same areas as you, you have two choices. You can chase them in that area of focus and do your best to catch up and surpass them. Or, you can get creative and find a new way to compete. Thinking back to my tennis days, I never beat one of those players, ever. And I went to college in the fall of 1989 completely soured on tennis. Instead of forcing myself to play a game that I clearly didn't love anymore, I discovered rugby and loved it. Later, I played soccer and really enjoyed that. Fast forward to my life as an entrepreneur, early in my business I did lots of different projects and could hardly distinguish my work from others in my space. In the fall of 2013, my company underwent a brand reboot and launched my brand promise, Engage, Collaborate, Lead. The very next time I bid on a project or was up against a similar small business for municipal work, the ability to articulate my methodology of work made all the difference. My company drove 300% year over year growth through the first 3 quarters of 2014. Understanding what set me apart from my rivals became the very engine of my business. Today, when I am selling against the leading provider of strategic planning services in the state of Illinois, I know precisely what levers to pull and how to further distinguish Relationships Matter Now and we are quickly catching the leader who has years more experience ahead of us in the game.

Sometimes as an entrepreneur you forget to look for rivals in the hustle of growing your business. You forget the role they play in your growth and trajectory. Take some time to look around you and be more aware of the rivals in what you do. If you allow them, they can drive you to be a better you.

Oh, and I did play tennis again for a small Christian college my final year of college when I was part of the inaugural women's team at our school after playing one 0-8 season on the men's team. It was great to be the captain leading a new program and I owe my tenacity to play with men for one season to my high school tennis rivals.

Thanks Okorafors.

Grow Yo Self

Courtesy of Willow Creek Association

As a leader, it is imperative to make space to grow and improve.

Leaders must examine their leadership.

Leaders have to gain perspective on new and improved ways to motivate .

Leaders need to pause from leading and "fill" themselves with wisdom and actionable teachings.

Leadership requires refueling and rejuvenation.

Leadership necessitates sharing with other leaders.

Leadership demands honest reflection.

True leaders get this and take steps to intentionally make themselves better.

Regardless of where you do it or who you learn from, as a leader of anything, it is imperative that you take time, often, to grow yourself. Much like a favorite television character of mine chimes "treat yo self," I'm gonna chime, "grow yo self."

Growing yourself as a leader is the chief form of self-care. Whether leading a family or a team at work, leading of any kind demands growth. The responsibility of decision making and taking action is too great to be left to chance. Leadership encompasses followership and followers require care. One cannot care for others well if they are not caring for themselves. "Grow yo self" is not a joke or an option for anyone who leads in any way.  Here are a few ways, I grow myself as a leader:

Reading is great way to grow yourself. It requires attention and focused time, alone. You can learn from a variety of teachers and at your own pace. Not only does reading give you perspective you otherwise might not have, it makes you rest from your routine and break neck pace of living. And while I don't read as much as I like, it is a priority to read at least one book every few months to keep my learning going.

Fellowship with other leaders is key. I have several networks of leaders -  business leaders, political leaders and mommy leaders  - feeding into my growth. All these networks are intentionally formed and meet regularly. Sharing our challenges with one another fuels our individual and collective growth. Each meeting, whether by phone or in person, revives and rejuvenates me as a leader. They are non-negotiables on my calendar.

And every year since 2005,  another way I make space for growth is by attending the Willow Creek Association annual Global Leadership Summit. This annual August gathering, that subsequently travels around the globe all fall, has become a fixture on my calendar. Marketplace and church leaders from around the world gather to hear some of the best teachings in a unique format with many tools to take your learnings and put them in action. And over the last three years, as I've built my business, it's become a team experience. It's part of the compensation of working for Relationships Matter Now, LLC., even for contractors who work on ONE project with us.  This conference is part of the DNA of my company because my motivation and inspiration to start RMN was nurtured in the summits leading up to its incorporation in 2010.

Tune in to my social channels this week to get a glimpse. And take it as fuel to find your own way to "grow yo self."

My Circle of Life Moment

There goes another rubber tree plant

Over the years, whenever I heard the theme song from the 1994 classic Disney movie, The Lion King, it never meant much to me. I'd just sing along with Sir Elton John and reminisce about the great animated tale of King Mufasa and Simba's journey to his destiny.

This past April 1, for the first time ever, I had a personal connection to that simple song. The ficus "rubber tree" plant in the photo above was gifted to my very best friend when her beloved mom passed away suddenly. After the memorial, as we were clearing the funeral home of all their belongings and all the wonderful floral tributes to her, I was stopped in my tracks seeing this plant.

It was my circle of life.

You see, when my mom passed away in 1976, someone gave us a similar plant. I grew up with that plant and it was taller than me when I left for college in the fall of 1989. I loved that plant, for it represented so much. It was the vitality and  living breathing proof of my mom's existence for a very long time. I am not a green thumb at all but I did care for that particular plant. (I hear they are pretty hard to kill). When I left for college, I took for granted that that plant would be there or would one day be mine. I did not think to verbalize my love for that plant at that time. A series of unfortunate events happened over the years and along with all my baby photos with my mom,  that plant disappeared from my life. I cannot tell you I ever even felt the loss of the plant.

I've mourned the loss of my pictures many times but the plant was an obscure hurt that I did not feel again until that day in April standing in a central Illinois funeral home. I immediately felt drawn to the plant.  I mentioned to my BFF my story, briefly and succinctly. We were very absorbed in her grief and it felt selfish to even say it but I am glad I did.

Later that afternoon as we were leaving, she called me into the living room with her brother and her father and asked me to take and care for the plant in honor of her mom and my mom. I could not keep my composure. It's even taken me months to write this because the overwhelming emotion of thinking how amazing it is - this thing we call life.

Really.

This friend who was pushed off my lap in 1990 and almost wasn't my friend.

24 years of friendship.

A clear schedule on my calendar for the precise days she needed me.

A ficus plant someone thought to send.

If that is not the "circle of life", then I don't know what is.

3 Ways To Empower Yourself When You Receive Negative Feedback

Negative feedback is part of life. Unless you do nothing and are totally irrelevant, there will always be people who do not like you and will tell you about it if you ask. One way people avoid negative feedback is to never ask for any feedback at all. Feedback is necessary to growth and negative feedback helps keep us on our toes. While it is natural for us to be hurt by negative feedback, we should never let it derail us. I stress again, negative feedback means you are doing something. And doing something is way better than doing nothing. However, we should make the most of all the feedback we receive, even the negative.  Here are three ways to empower yourself when you receive negative feedback:

Consider The Source

Seems obvious but one of the most important things to understand is who is giving the feedback and what their motivations may be. Do not spend too much time digging but do take a few moments to pick apart why the specific source of negative feedback is negative. Reflect on the interactions you had with that person. Often times, negative feedback comes from a stark difference between the giver and receiver of the feedback. Differences in style, tone and disparate frames of reference are often behind negative feedback. Knowing some of the "back story" of the giver can help you put the feedback in perspective.

Accept Specific Constructive, Dismiss Vague or Ambiguous

When seeking feedback, always give room for explanation. That way you can get at the "color commentary" around what is driving the answers. When you get negative feedback, accept specific constructive comments. Those comments give you something to build on or work with. I recently had a survey on a project come back where I specifically asked about how we were managing time. The responder gave me a good rating (there were better choices) and then wrote that I needed to "build in more breaks." Regardless, the reason I did not build in the breaks  -now I know that is an important driver to the answer of that question. I can do something with that. On the flip side, you have to let go of vague, negative feedback. Let it sting, feel it but if the giver the feedback does not show you how you can make it better, then there is nothing you can do but shake it off.

Focus On Your Overall Feedback Versus The Outlier(s)

The tendency in this life is to focus on the one dissenter. People spend many fruitless hours trying to convince the one person who dislikes their work versus focuses on the many who do. Unless your overall feedback from a specific project is all negative, you need to spend more time on the positive feedback. Build on the good comments and responses. Look for ways to reinforce the relationship with those who like and understand your methods. On the same survey I referenced in the previous point, I had one bad overall review and it stung. I kept playing in my head the responses until I remembered that it was one out of 18 participants in the project. All the other responses were good. Some even gave constructive comments to help me get better while the one person who responded negatively did not take the time to tell me why. My time and effort is much better spent focusing on how to improve and move forward relationships with the other 17 people and let the one person go.

Feedback, both positive and negative, is a necessary function of doing life. However, feedback by its nature should always seek to improve both the receiver and the giver. The next time you receive negative feedback, take a few minutes to look for the ways it can improve you.

Grow With Me At The Global Leadership Summit!

 Each August, I have an appointment with myself to recharge my batteries. Some years, there are multiple recharges but every August, since 2006, I have recharged my leadership batteries at the Willow Creek Association Global Leadership Summit.

As a leader, it is my obligation to grow- every day of every year. I take this obligation very personally and I intentionally set out each year to grow. Part of my process includes two days of focused learning from a cross-section of leaders from around the globe. I unplug from my normal daily duties to absorb nuggets of wisdom and I've always shared those with my tribe throughout the two days.

The Global Leadership Summit is hosted by Willow Creek Association and is crafted to to infuse vision, skill development and inspiration for the sake of local church transformation. That is the intent but the GLS is also an incredible catalyst for marketplace transformation as well. In fact, that is what first attracted me to the summit to begin with. In addition to pastors doing incredible feats around the world to further the gospel, key global leaders from government and the private sector have graced the stage to teach as well. I credit the GLS as being one of the many factors to convince me to venture out as an entrepreneur. Business leaders I'd admired and respected have come to share their journey as well as young entrepreneurs who are changing the world in their own way. There was even an international rock star on the roster back in 2007.

This year will be no exception.  Come Thursday, I will be among some of the greatest church and marketplace leaders in the world for two days of learning, sharing and most importantly,  growing. In addition to my normal expectation to grow personally, I am part of the @wcaglas digital experience team  and will share my perspective with a broader audience.

Be sure and follow along:

Twitter: @DeniseWBarreto
Facebook: facebook.com/relationshipsmatternow
#wcagls

Join our conversation!

Grow Anyways Facing Drought Conditions

It is an extraordinary thing to be able to grow in a drought. Can you?

Recently, for 25 consecutive days, I'd say I was in a "drought" of sorts.  Literally, every other day from February 27 - March 22, I was challenged to my core on many topics related to race, gender, conflict - you name it - I was facing it.  But an amazing thing happened along the way.

I did not wallow.
I did not complain or whine.
I just felt it.
Absorbed the stress.
Resisted the urge to "runaway" or lash out.

I carefully and considerately asked with each blow - what is my lesson here? What am I to learn from this? How will I be different next time? Each incident revealed to me a nugget of wisdom, a clue of purpose and a theme that tied them all together.

Was I discouraged? Absolutely.
But more importantly, I was determined to grow in spite of what was happening to me. I was clear on how I'd make the most of each discouragement or disappointing situation. I was tuned in 100% to what I could do the next time I was faced with a similar situation. This stretch lead me to a glorious vacation where I was able to reflect and pinpoint almost EXACTLY why I'd just experienced such a season of turmoil.

I simply needed to adjust my coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms can also be described as "survival skills." They are strategies people use to deal with natural changes in life, stresses and pain. Mine were outdated on several topics and the stresses and occurrences I faced over that 25 day period were simply a signal to me to re-evaluate them and adjust them to my current needs.

Ever feel like you are facing something over and over and over and you don't know why? Chances are you need to adjust the way you cope to that situation and the universe is giving you practice to realign your energy around it. That's exactly what happened to me recently. And because I didn't fight it or throw my hands up, I was able lean into the adversity and come out with a clear solution.

Change your relationship with adversity and you will change your life.

Embracing A Tough Reality

Love this image of embrace - it captures me

This past week, a  good friend  updated her Facebook status with the following:

"Always the lesson, never the miracle”

Those words pierced my heart because I could relate. Can't you?  How many times have we asked, “can't I just get this one break?”

If so,  then you must be like the many of us whose lives are built to face and overcome complexity.  It is just a fact that while some people may have what appears to be a much easier and less complex road to what they want, there are those of us whose path is just a little more tough for achievement.

Now I don't want to sound as if this is a pity party or “woe is me” line of thinking, but after much thought and self-reflecting this week after reading that post,  I've come to embrace this tough reality.

And tough it is.

Who doesn't want the "Easy Street" in life? Isn't that why we take our chance and play the lottery hoping that we will hit the jackpot and all will be well.  But then you hear the statistics of the people who hit the lottery–the depression, anxiety and bankruptcy. How does that happen? They all can't just be idiots. Nor do I think there is some "big curse on easy money". My theory, is that they are running from and fighting their reality instead of embracing it.

Let me tell you a quick story about a recent issue, that really accelerated my acceptance of this thought in my life:

Since July, I have had limited use of my right arm. Thankfully, we've identified the problem and it will be corrected surgically before the end of this month.  The interesting thing about this whole situation with my arm is that there were 12 long weeks of not knowing what was going on and all was revealed in an afternoon with a diagnostic test.  So why did I have to go through all that, when the same diagnostic test after the first visit  would have made the problem clear and I'd be practically recovered now vs facing surgery? I don't know the answer to that question but I don't let it bug me either, because I've reflected on each week in the journey with my arm. There is a rich story that will be told when this is all over and perhaps, THAT is the answer to my question.

In my down time, mostly afforded to me because of a bum right arm, I started to reflect on my life as a whole and found that it was full of rich stories, none of them easy or without complexity, yet all triumphant, fulfilling and challenging for uniquely this person I've become.  What freedom in that moment!  What perspective!

And do you believe that very next “complex issue” I was faced with was suddenly transformed into an intricate puzzle that I had to put my brain around to solve versus “here we go again..." And the action to move forward came a bit more quickly than normal.

Then I got to thinking, what if others who share this same path embraced it rather than fighting it? What if we all could stop and reflect on our lives and use it to grow us? I am certain our relationships with others would benefit from this.

Mine have already.