3 Ways To "Be" When Trouble Comes To Town

When we hit crisis mode, our next steps matter most

If you live any length of time, you will face a crisis or some type of adversity.  Whether it be relational, vocational or deeply personal, crises are the great equalizer of human beings. Hardship is part of our human reality - a "given;" operating smoothly through hardship is optional.  Here's a few tips to help you exercise that option:


Be Still

When you hit a rough patch, it is normal to feel like you must "do something." Our senses are heightened. Often times, much is happening around us, related to us. We feel compelled to action. One very good way to react is to be still. Literally, do nothing. Don't make any declarations or decisions in the heat of your rough moment. Breathe more. Seek solitude. Withdraw from non-essential commitments and just be. There is no need to make any moves when crisis first hits you. You have to absorb what's happening so you can truly understand what you are to do next. That happens best when you are still. Find respite and do nothing as much as you can during your storm.

Be Discerning

Merriam-Webster defines discern as to detect, to recognize or or to come to know mentally. You need to discern whom to include in your crisis. Be very careful only to share your crisis with people who are known to be helpful and discreet. Identify that short list and keep to it. Equally, you have to recognize how things are different post-crisis. The temptation will be there to try and "normalize" life or get back to the way it was "before." Embrace your new normal. Resistance only causes more pain. Take time to notice how different things are and acknowledge your role. Only spend energy on things within your control, letting go of all else. Surround yourself with love. People you love. Activity you love.

Be Ready

Life has put out a challenge. Things are not as they were and now you must respond. Being ready for change is the hardest aspect of managing adversity.  We get angry and stuck reviewing what we could have done differently and in those moments, we miss opportunities to move forward. Push yourself to be ready for what your new normal will offer. For some people, that will mean examining areas where you just float through life and force yourself to "shake it up. " If the crisis didn't do that for you - you have to do it for yourself, now. If your crisis turned your routine upside down, embrace it. Look out for new ways to express and communicate what you are feeling. Notice people you did not notice before. Allow yourself to "go" places you don't normally go - both physically and emotionally. You would be surprised at what the universe can bring your way when you are ready to receive it.

Over the years, hardship and adversity has come my way many times. By implementing the advice I  just shared, I've found that my ability to manage those tough times has improved and stifled the long term impact them on my quality of life. I hope you find that, too.

3 Unhelpful Things Folks Do When A Friend Is In Crisis and How To Be Different

Do you know how to extend a hand during a crisis?

When people you care about hit a bump in the road, it can be super hard as a bystander. It often takes all we have to be on the outside of the crisis looking in. The immediate time following discovery of a crisis is so important. Whether your friend tells you or you find out another way, how you react to them in the early days really makes a difference in the long run. After many years being on both sides of this equation, I've compiled of list of the 3 unhelpful things most folks do when a friend is in  a crisis and what to do instead.

Nothing

Believe it or not, many people do nothing. They either 100% avoid the person during the crisis or completely ignore the crisis when they are forced to see them. While it is uncomfortable for you, it is worse for them. Nothing is really the worst possible thing to do when someone you care about is hurting. People need empathy and compassion when they are dealing with a problem. Proactively reach out to the person and let them know you are there for them. Nowadays, a text is good enough to gently send the message that you care, especially if you are unsure of how close your relationship may be. Of course, call if you share a deeper bond. When you see them, don't avert eye contact, give them long reassuring gestures to demonstrate your love and loyalty during their difficult time. Make sure you check in with them after the "initial" hit. Like earthquakes, most human crises have "aftershocks" and it takes time to return to their routine. Knowing people are concerned can really make a difference, more so as time goes on.

One Up


If your friend opens up to you about the crisis and needs to share, do not "one up" them. Meaning, don't use that opportunity to relate a time you felt similarly or compare their current crisis with your own past crisis (or that of someone else)  - even if they are identical. During the crisis, people want to be heard. They need to vent and release the stress they are feeling. While relating stories are good in other circumstances, during a crisis, it is best to just listen, especially in the early stages. When people are in shock from their crisis, the last thing they need is to have to shift their thoughts and energy to processing a story about someone else. At some point, it will be ok to give your friend encouragement about a future state but during the crisis, it's best to just listen.

Crisis Overkill

Many people get wrapped up in someone else's crisis. It's human nature to do so. Being obsessed with knowing "how it's going?" or "are you ok?" can be very damaging to a person's ability to heal. Do your best to read your friend and discern their healing rate. Clearly, ask how they are doing related to the crisis but ask them about other areas of their life as well. Your loved one needs outlets and reminders that life goes on. Time often drags in the midst of a crisis and uncertainty. Every day tasks can be monumental when under tremendous stress. Bring dinner one night to relieve her of that responsibility.  Take him out for coffee and share with them something new going on in your life - unrelated to the situation. Give them a gift card for a car wash. Mow their lawn or come and take their dog for walk. Being helpful in a meaningful way gives hope. It allows your friend a moment of gratitude and gratitude is a proven cure for most ills.

Adversity and crisis are apart of life and inevitably,  relationships. Our role as friends may call on us to be by someone's side when calamity hits. Next time you're called to support, you know exactly what to do.

Perspective: What You See Is Up To You

One issue after another comes our way. We can see the issue or see the opportunity. Sort of like the illustration above.


What keeps us from just throwing our hands up and giving up the ghost? What makes us see a man's face versus a woman in a dress near a tree?

Perspective.

Today, I am challenging everyone to stop and take a look at whatever is going on in your life and try to look at it from a different angle.

Turn it upside down - see anything?

Lift yourself from it - look down at it - any change?

Throw it out in front of you - how does it look now?

Toss it over your shoulder and look back at it - still perplexing?

While this may seem like gibberish, this is exactly what I do when faced with a challenge or problem.

Sometimes, perspective tells me it is completely out of my control - the actual issue, but I own how I deal with it. Other times, looking at it from another angle produces another path to resolution that I can drive. Most of the time, I just stop looking at it all together.

Yep. Perspective gives us the freedom to let go all together.

I've read somewhere that letting go of one thing, frees you up to grab something else.

So today, ask yourself - what should I be tossing around to see from different angles?

Dead end job?

Toxic friend or family member?

Irrational fear about anything?

Whatever it is, give yourself the freedom to change your perspective and find a new path.