3 Things You Must Do To Support Your Friend Who Needs A Lifeline

People who need a lifeline need something specific from you

Had the most epic text conversation with a great friend recently who is in the midst of an enormous amount of change in her life.

Personal change.

Relational change.

Vocational change.

As we commiserated on 2 out of 3 of those aspects of change, we delighted each other in our responses to one another. . We left one another feeling much better and vowed to pose the following question to the rest of the world. Why do so many of us suck at supporting each other through rough patches? Why do we feel compelled to give "an answer" to our loved ones when they are experiencing difficulty? This is especially true in Christian circles. Both my friend and I are strong believers who just happen to be swallowed up in a crazy season in our respective lives. As we "chatted" intermittenly over 2 hours - it was clear why we felt so much better having interacted. Three very different things happened during our exchange: pure unadulterated listening,  no comparisons, no cliches.

Pure unadulterated listening

This one is the hardest to do but really the most important. Just listening sometimes is all our friends need, especially people who are mired in complex situations. We must train ourselves to listen. Fight the compulsion to wander in thoughts or think of solutions to the challenges you are hearing. Literally, stop everything and just listen. Respond with "I hear you," or "I feel you," and genuinely do hear and feel your loved ones concern. Sometimes you just need to listen and listen more because some people have very few people they confide in.  You may be the only person they are sharing their adversity with so it is imperative that you just listen. And listen more. Make space and time to just listen.

No comparisons

No. Nope. None. Even if you have been through this or you have a friend or cousin who is in the EXACT situation as your current friend, don't compare. Am I saying that you cannot use experiences you've had to speak wisdom into this new situation? Yes. I am. In the moment of despair or when people are raw, it is tough to hear other stories that appear similar but are not necessarily apples to apples. Even when they are very identical to someone on the outside, there are always nuances and differences, even if they are slight to the person actually experiencing the difficulty.  Respect your friend's unique story. And if you have information you are convinced will help them - ask first if you can share it. And if they give you the green light, frame it well and give them the space to see the similarities -don't push them.  We are all special and while we all experiences similar challenges, it is difficult to invite someone in and have them compare what you are going through to something else. It is good policy to do your best to not compare at all but if you must, get permission.

No cliches

This is another tough one. You all know them and in the Christian world there are so many.

Everything happens for a reason.

God isn't gonna give you more than you can handle.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronnger.

Let God and let go.

And there are many many more.  In fact, my friend and I chucked because we both balked at what we called "flimsy Christian talk" that people pull out when you confide that you are struggling. Please keep your sayings and cliches when someone shares their doubts and fears. I have a relationship with God and like most of my relationships, there are times when it is strained and downright difficult to deal with. That's right. Sometimes, it's hard to be in relationship with God. And for me, some of those moments come during my most difficult hours; when all I can see is darkness and when I hear no reply to my screams for respite. Pulling out every cliche about how it's all gonna be ok is not the right path. Really. It's not. And you wanna know why? It's not very convincing and chances are you don't really believe that. Yep. I said. Most of those cliches are lip service that we've been fed in our difficult moments and we just regurgitate it when we see a chance. No. Don't. Do better by your friend.  Listen. Feel. Reassure that you are there and that you care. Allow them to vent and have those feelings. They need to go there, so don't prevent it with a quick fix saying that isn't going to add any value in that moment. Even if you are one of those people, like me, who lives by Genesis 50:20 or Romans 8:28, you don't have to shove that in people's faces when they are hurting. Pick a less raw time and remind them of what they know to be true or introduce how you handle your difficult times.

And while we both hope to be out of our respective slumps soon, I am so glad for our exchange because it highlighted for us how we all can do better to support people around us when they need us most.

What would you add to our list to better support friends in crisis?

2 Lessons From A Few Days Of Silence

This is a tough thing for a ENFJ like me

As I approached a week with three public presentations and a pop concert, the familiar scratchiness and dry throat sensation made me panic. Standing outside on a wet chilly day at a cross-country meet, I decided not to talk for three days. This declaration was super easy to say but almost impossible to execute. Right away, I broke it when we saw one my son's former soccer coach, whom we had not seen in over 2 years. As I walked away, I started thinking about how I'd actually pull off the next few days without my voice.

After all, I am a storyteller- by nature and nurture. A corporate marketer and strategist, talking is my bread and butter. It's how I make my living especially now as an entrepreneur. Now, a full week on the other side of that experiment and those important conference speaking engagements. I sit here with my sore throat reflecting on the two most important things I learned from my few days of silence.

Many Ways To Express

Expression comes in many forms. We are taught from an early age that talking is the best and most effective way to express ourselves. After having to shut my yapper for a few days, I'm not so sure. I noticed how my family slowed down their interactions with me. I could see them hesitating as they are, sadly, accustomed to me jumping in. Their eyes reassured me that it was ok because they recognized my sadness without me having to say it. That was a powerful expression of empathy from them and my own sorrow for my past actions. Touch became extremely important to me during those few days. Normally, I am pretty low on the tactile expressions of affection. During those days, hugs and even simple hand holding were so important to me. Everyone else in my family appreciates the back rub or scratch and I'd always rejected these forms of affection, until I had no words and they became a means to express my feelings. And it has been one of the "holdovers" I have kept since I started talking again - touching more. Finally, my facial expressions and body gesturing has always been slightly on the dramatic side. During my silent days, it was like I was a mime. Without words, my other expressions were even more valuable to me and I noticed those expressions more from others.

Listening As Art

Anyone can talk. In fact, most everyone does but not many people listen. And while I am a decent listener, those two full days of not talking really taught me how to listen from a different point of view. There were so many encounters where my listening skills were sharpened. Again, mostly with my family but also at the first conference I attended that week. Meeting tons of new people and not saying much was a first for me. I decided against "explaining" not talking much and just observed. People generally hate silence and without my normal instinct to fill it - I realized how good it can be. Watching the expressions and comfort levels of people during a silent moment is incredible. I'd never seen that before and now I will allow for that as it is a great indicator of many things. The most critical listening for me occurred at the Ed Sheeran concert with my 13 year old daughter. I only knew two of his songs going into the show. Being forced to only listen at a live music event was phenomenal. Not only did I gain an appreciation for this young artist and his craft, I got to take in a concert with all my other senses because I did not talk. My body felt the music in a fresh new way. Most of the show I took in with my eyes closed feeling the music deeply. I expressed my reactions through touch with my daughter who often times looked like she was floating in air. I'm pretty sure it would have been very different had I uttered even one word.

Because I talk for a living, I plan to take some of my key insights from my silent days forward. I plan to give my voice a break at least one full day every week moving forward - no calls, no meetings and very little talking personally. I will awaken my other expression skills and activate them more often - integrate them with my words. I challenge you to join me - even if your voice is healthy.