Little Token, Big Value

The platinum band I bought myself Mother's Day 2000

Little token.

Big value.

16 years ago this coming Mother's Day when I was neither a wife, girlfriend, love interest and definitely not anyone's mother - I bought myself a platinum diamond ring.

I was a few months ahead of my self-imposed Spanish exile, planning and saving for my move to Spain set to commence that fall.

I remember vividly as I saw friends and family after that purchase some of the questions:

Who bought that for you?

Why are you wearing it on that finger?

What's up with that, Denise?

Wow, is there something you want to tell us?

I faced those questions with the same answer over and over.

I bought it for me.

Because I wanted it.

Because I'm worth it.

At that time, all my closest friends had married and were starting families. Most of my family had written me off as a career gal "who couldn't keep a man." And I'd started to doubt I'd ever find love.

I was 28 years old.

But then I saw that band. And it meant to world to me to gift it to myself. I had found love... me loving me. Me accepting me and where I was in life. I was about to embark on an adventure living in Europe - Spain to be exact if not then, when? Would I wait for a man to buy me a platinum diamond ring? With no prospects in sight - that seemed absurd. So I did it.

And almost 16 years later this ring does for me MORE than it did for me then. As I am transitioning from married woman to single woman, my finger was bare for a few months. It felt naked and weird after 15 years "belonging" in my marriage. Then I looked in my jewelry chest and pulled out this band.

I wear it today with much pride. I love me today WAY more than the me who bought this ring. I am even more confident of what I have to offer and who I am. And that purchase which at the time seemed bold and big - really speaks to me on my new journey of recalibration.


This little token has big value and is a reminder of the great woman I am even in the midst of great change.

My 28 year old self was wise enough to foreshadow what my 44 year old self needed.

Time To Recalibrate

Every year since I started Relationships Matter Now, I've picked a theme to focus myself and the business around. Originally, it was simply an exercise in gratitude to the universe for allowing me the opportunity to work for myself. Then, each year after 2012, I have carefully crafted my theme based on both happenings and desires in my work and personal life.

This year is no different.

Perhaps for the first time since I started the themes, my personal life is impacting the theme way more than my professional life. 2016 will certainly usher in a completely different personal life for me. While business has been phenomenal, my marriage has not faired as well and will be coming to an end. If you know me at all, you know how huge a shift for me this will be. It will require a complete rebranding and recalibration of my very being.

Parallel to that, I stepped out of public office in July 2015. The very inspiration for my business was my elected office role in Lake in the Hills, Il. My love and desire to serve the public has not diminished but I've had to recalibrate how I do that. Former IL Governor Pat Quinn appointed me to a statewide business council and I was recently tapped by IL Comptroller Leslie Munger to serve in another capacity on a statewide advisory board. Again, these opportunities are pushing me to recalibrate my public service.

My motherhood is changing. Clearly, motherhood shifts and moves as your children grow but nothing prepares you to face motherhood alone when you've banked on and worked hard on a marriage partnership to bring the kids to "completion." With a high school freshman and fifth grader and a pending separation, my motherhood will need recalibration.

My business is adding an employee. Until now, we've grown only with project based contractors. 2016 sees me making the commitment to a dedicated team member and it's freaking me out to have "people" overhead expenses. I need to quickly recalibrate my thoughts around this or I'm gonna waste all the productivity gains this new addition will afford me and the business.

Dictionary defines calibrate, the root word of recalibrate as  - to plan or devise (something) carefully so as to have a precise use, application, appeal, etc.

Recalibrating my womanhood,  in light of moving from wife back to single woman.
Recalibrating my public service.
Recalibrating my motherhood
Recalibrating my business.

I am excited for 2016.

#2016Recalibrate

Mom, Grandmom To All: Maya Angelou's Legacy With Me

My fav image of Maya Angelou (1928-2014)

Like the rest of the world, I took the passing of author and poet Maya Angelou really hard when I saw it in my stream of news.  I was overwhelmed by so many emotions and I wept reading key pieces of her work the other night. Then, it occurred to me that the most important thing I'll miss about Dr. Angelou is her mothering and grandmothering of me. Yep. Me, personally from a far.

I picked the photo of Dr. Angelou on purpose because it represents something to me.

Age.
Longevity.
Endurance.

Things my sweet mom and maternal grandmom were not blessed with.

Maya Angelou only birthed one child physically, her son Guy in 1945 when she was just 17 years old.  Yet, she said on many occasions that she was fortunate to be the "mother to many people".  I was one of those people.

From a distance, from a far - as soon as I connected with Maya Angelou's writing, she was a mother figure to me.  Followers of this blog know well that my own mom, Betty Jean Jackson (Wilmer)  lost her life at the tender age of 24 years old in 1976 when I was just 4 years old.  For much of my life, I've resisted real-life, up close mother figures.  So it was easy to have this distant yet close in spirit mom figure in Maya Angelou.  However, as I read more and devoured information about her in her death, I realized that she'd moved a space from mother to grandmother in the later years of our "relationship."

I realized upon "losing"  Maya that, in addition to being a motherless daughter, I never had a close relationship with a grandmother either. On my paternal side, I had a grandmother who enjoyed a long life until 1997. Unfortunately, I never had the privilege to know and/or enjoy her.  My mom's mom, who was nearby and very involved in our lives, passed away suddenly in her 50s in the mid 80s. I've always said she passed away from a broken heart.

An only child of sharecroppers in Arkansas, my grandmother Lois Anderson had four children of her own. My mom, Betty was her first child and when she lost her, it was said that she never truly recovered from the blow.  Then in late 1983, she lost her own mom and barely lived another 90 days passing away in her early 50s in 1984. The legacy of early death haunts me. So, at some point over the years, I transferred my maternal feelings toward Maya Angelou to those of a grandmother. Without one on earth for most of my life, I just made Maya Angelou my grandmother.

I looked forward to any news from her and the releases of her books. When we got Twitter and she joined, I eagerly followed to feel connected to her and her wisdom.

Now, I'm officially without "mother and grandmother" Maya Angelou. And even though  I've been in this place before, this time, I'm left with tangible evidence of her presence in my life through her writings.

Thank you, Dr. Maya.

A Different Spin On A Mother's Day Tale

Identical to the band I bought myself in 2000 for Mother's Day

For the last few weeks, promotions for Mother's Day have been inescapable. And while Mother's Day can be a joyous occasion for many, for others it's a mixed bag and that was me for a long time, even after I became a mother.

I had to look no further than my jewelry box to be reminded and empowered by a small act from Mother's Day 2000.

It is a thin but beautiful platinum diamond band I gifted myself leading up to that Mother's Day. I remember precisely why I did it.

I was in the mall preparing for a trip to see my sister who had recently become a mom for the 3rd time. I was buying gifts for her and her now three kids. I remember feeling somewhat sorry for myself, I was 28 1/2 with no prospects for marriage nevermind that motherhood seem like a distant dream. All my closest friends were married and three were already moms. The one bright spot that spring was the fact that I was headed to Spain to live. I'd decided at the beginning of that year that I'd save and move to Spain that fall. Perhaps my "prospect" was in land of jamon, olives and great wine.

As I walked by jewelry stores that weekday afternoon leading up to mom fest, the Mother's Day specials were staggering. I slipped into one of them and the platinum band you see above caught my eye. It was deeply discounted and literally spoke this to me...

"You may not be a mom but you certainly serve as a mother figure to many. You share your wisdom with the younger gals in the office, with the girls in the soccer programs you attend every week and any person you encounter in need. Why not celebrate that now and forever?"

With that inner monologue, I bought the ring on the spot. As the clerk cleaned and polished it, she asked if it was a gift and I replied proudly,  "Yes, it's for me, for Mother's Day." I ignored her fighting the inclination to feel sorry for me buying my own Mother's Day gift. She feigned a smile and showed me the ring upon finishing her work. I took it and slipped it on my right ring finger right away. It was the most beautiful piece of jewelry I owned to that point.

That small act was a defiant bold move toward the life I wanted. While I was not certain I wanted to be a mom, I did want the possibility. I was not shying away from that and buying myself that platinum band that day just sent my desire hurling into the universe. If you know me, you know that a few months later and 13 days before I left for Spain, I met the man would become my husband and make me a mom just one year later.

No, the moral of this tale is not about me getting my husband and starting my family. The moral of this tale is that I valued myself enough not to wallow in a feeling of inadequacy or "less than" because I was not a mom at that moment. I had plenty to celebrate Mother's Day 2000 and I did. Even now, all these years later,   I wear that platinum band to remind me to continue to make bold moves toward what I want.

So this Mother's Day, what is it you want? What are you afraid to move toward? Why not use the occasion that celebrates motherhood to birth your dream? Regardless of your mother status or if your actual mother is around, use Mother's Day 2014 to celebrate you and all the things you mother including that dream or deep desire that is waiting for you to birth it.