Ode To The Midwest City That Healed Me: Minneapolis

My beloved Twin Cities, although I spend most of my time in Minneapolis

Approximately one year ago, I made the final decision to let go of my marriage that I was clinging to for dear life in the aftermath of my husband's depression and subsequent spiral out of my life.  After a tough but awesome 2015, I decided not to enter 2016 trying to repair what was clearly gone. I vowed to "Recalibrate" my life in 2016. And recalibrate I did. But I could not have done it without Minneapolis Minnesota and my almost monthly treks there.

Let me count the top three ways Minneapolis forever changed me for the better in 2016.

The People

Literally, the people of Minneapolis carried me. First, there was the business colleague turned friend who runs a national conference for a downtown university. Opening his home and friends to me on a very tough trip in the middle of 2015, I cried my eyes out and poured my heartache out on his back patio on a warm Monday night in June. That vulnerability led to a bond and set of friends who would buoy both me and my kids during this entire year. From the freezing cold thrifting day in January to the pilgrimage to Paisley Park in July, one member of that group has become a constant each visit and I don't know what I'd do without him. Or I could also give credit to the two different new friends I met flying to Minneapolis this year - the middle seat on his way back from the Cayman Islands friend who actually kept in touch and the young man  rainbow spiked hair I had an intense conversation with on his way back from RiotFest in Chicago this past fall - both of these men have been bright spots for me and great new additions to my personal tribe. I'd be remiss if I didn't give a shout out to the business colleagues who also enveloped me and my kids with love as we explored the many parks and recreation facilities across the metro. From the ski instructors on the bunny hill to the paddle board rental manager, we were welcomed and treated so well by every person we encountered on every trip to Minneapolis as a family and that goes double for all the times I flew there alone.

The Work

The work I've done for my largest client in Minneapolis has challenged me beyond any other work since I started my business. From the complexity of the ask originally to how we have evolved our relationship over the last two years has grown me as a consultant and strategic partner by leaps and bounds. One great example is how they constantly question how we accomplish their goal to raise their relevance in the their area. We co-created some great work on unconscious bias and continue to push boundaries on why and how to push an inclusive leadership agenda forward in an organization that is not traditionally accustomed to speaking about equity, diversity and inclusion. This work with this agency has opened the doors to other agencies in the area. When I stop to really think about it, it was in Minneapolis that I launched the inclusion and diversity service offering in 2014 after my business was a a few years old and constantly asked to bring our perspective on inclusion and diversity to clients we had up to that point. It was at the Forum on Workplace Inclusion (the country's oldest and largest conference dedicated to diversity and inclusion)  in 2014 where my debut talk was the top rated talk out of 65 that year and I solidly earned my spot as a fresh and leading voice in the space. I have been a faculty member ever since with this coming spring as my first time in 3 years that I will only attend the conference and not present. I look forward to seeing the conference and my work there from a completely different perspective.

The Discomfort Converted Into Healing

Anyone who knows me knows I have never been one to hang out outside much. Cold or hot - I tended to be more of an indoors type of gal. Working with a majority of my clients as a parks and recreation agencies - you can imagine, I've had my share of invites to outdoor activities.

Denise, when you gonna come ski my hill?

Will you make it to our fill-in-the-blank-outdoor-festival?

Have you been on our hiking trail, lately?

Some of the many questions, I've faithfully dodged over the years and made many legitimate excuses to never partake in the the Illinois parks and recreation community. Not one Illinois parks and rec person can remember me taking them up on the many invites over the years. Boy, did they take notice this year when I was tweeting and posting from various parks and recreation sites in western Hennepin County starting in January with a video of me tubing down a hill in Elm Creek Reserve. I had vowed not to tube leading up to that trip. Barreto kids cajoled and park district employees ribbed but I was certain, I'd not do it at all or maybe only once. It was a negative 25 degree day in January and I was sure that I'd flake on the tubing and that the kids would join me. I was wrong. I went down that hill not once but three times. And my kids went down many many more. By nightfall, I was up on skis on the bunny hill behind Evan snowboarding for the second time in his life. We had a blast but most of all, I pushed past the cold and discomfort of being outside and enjoyed myself. I had no idea that would lead to a year full of outdoor activities and breathing of fresh Minneapolis air. I found myself getting to work sites 30 to 40 minutes earlier just to walk around the properties and "take in the scenery" the lush or barren landscapes - all beautiful, all serene, all wondrous.

This past summer, a boat ride turned into hours of paddle boarding when the boat "did not start". And while I don't believe to this day the boat didn't actually start- I am glad it didn't as paddle boarding became a thing at the Evanston beach this summer for my kids. I also liked it and would have done it in Jamaica had Hurricane Otto not come and followed us on the Thanksgiving vacation. We sat for hours in a cabana by the beach in Jamaica and read for hours in hammocks between trees almost every day of our vacation - a rarity for me. And it wasn't just in Minneapolis or Jamaica that drew me outside. I made it a habit back home with my Illinois parks and rec clients to arrive early and/or stick around post meeting and walk outside surveying the outdoors, breathing the air, quieting my soul. My initial discomfort with the outdoors melted away and provided a solace for my most frustrating moments. I live across the street from a park and now, I often step away from my desk to get fresh air -- outside.

Minneapolis, there were so many more aspects to how you assisted me in recalibrating this life of mine but none greater than your people, my work there and the way you made something uncomfortable for me before, absolutely irresistible to me now.

You did it. I am an outdoor gal.

Thank you.

My Work, My Refuge

Who knew that my tiny company and its powerful work would actually be my respite from the world?

As the United States imploded last week under the weight of the #AltonSterling, #PhilandoCastile and #DallasTragedy, strangely, I was ok. Not that numb, I'm checking out pseudo "ok," but a calm abiding peaceful I'm ok.

As a mom of a gentle giant 11 year old Blaxican boy, how could I possibly be at peace with all that is going on at this point in history?

As a Black American woman and member of a segment of the US population who are also profiled, harassed and killed by police at a similar rates to our male counterparts albeit not as wide publicized,  what could be tempering fear in me?

My work. My day-to-day influence and impact on the very stories that plaster our headlines and bring us to our knees. My unrelenting commitment to transform local government. My objective to change the world, one relationship at a time. All this is literally saving my sanity and keeping me going.

With over 40% of my work focused on local government agencies and municipalities making up a great majority, my work gave me peace last week.  You see, I had the chance to speak to a mayor and few park district executive directors about what's going on in society and how our work to transform workplace cultures in government agencies is more relevant than ever. Police departments and other local government policing agencies are impacted by my work. With every conference and workshop presentation to local government agencies, me and my team are tackling bias, inconsistency and lack of inclusive repeatable processes that make for more inclusive workplaces that lead to more inclusive communities.

Close to 35% of my work is with nonprofit agencies and that also gives me peace. One project I'm working on currently, gives me the chance to assist students in the Oakland public schools and particularly boys of color with understanding and leveraging their strengths and talents. On August 3, I will lead two groups of scholars on the beginning of what I hope will be a life long journey of building on their strengths and formulating their stories versus the stories society may tell them about themselves. By reaching these students at this age - I was over 20 when I first discovered and was tuned into to my strengths - my work is combating the real societal bias against these students by empowering them with their truth.

Waking up Friday and jumping back on calls with my clients, not only soothed my broken heart from all the turmoil, but it gave me the satisfaction that I am contributing to a new narrative in this country both on the micro level with the scholars and on the macro level with my government agency leaders.

Even as I wade through my own personal challenges and often need respite from my own life - I am so grateful I've built a business that provides that for me personally and as a member of our hurting country.

You'd Better Believe. Starting Now.

Pretty much all I've been doing the last 30, 90 or 253 days is centered around the seven letter word in the title of this post.

Dictionary.com defines believe like this: to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so.

Wow. 

That's been my life and I'd encourage you all to go there some day.

Go to that place where you actually allow yourself to "believe."

Believe your life can be what you want it to be.

Believe that your relationship "is what it is" and is time for you to let it go.

Believe that you can provide for your family doing what you love.

Believe you can turn a thought into a reality.

Believe there are people around you who care and want to help you.

Believe that "long shot" can be a sure shot if you just take action. 

Believe in yourself.

Believe in the good of others.

Believe people who act like they don't care


I could go on and on and on but I won't.

What I need for each of you in earshot to do is take this advice from me... whatever it is before you that seems impossible - go for it. 

Believe in yourself. Believe in the universe, or higher being (for me this is Jesus - but NO JUDGEMENT HERE - believe in something bigger than you because there is - know that). Believe in that tiny possibility.

The second you step out in belief, the universe will conspire to make it happen.

It's happening for me now and it can happen for you.

Peace.

Faith + Preparation = Success

7th generation daredevil, Nik Wallenda set two Guinness World Records last night in the skies of my favorite city on the planet. Viewership and social engagement stats are still coming in overnight but it is safe to say that #SkyscraperLive and #NikWallenda were the hottest trending topics in the last 24 hours. Alongside the stunt and all the hype was the topic of his faith in God, Pastor Joel Osteen and the pre-event prayer. Lots of chatter last night and this morning on TV & radio about Nik's faith in God and his conversation with God as he executed his stunt live on The Discovery Channel for the world to see.

As a person of faith, I love Nik Wallenda's display but not for the reasons you think. Yes, God has given him a talent and a platform on which to exhibit his faith. God was absolutely instrumental in the success of Nik's world record attempt. But here is the nuance that I believe many miss, even those who profess deep faith:

Nik's faith was strong and secure because he was prepared.

Over and over in the last 24 hours, I've heard Nik Wallenda say that he'd practiced, trained, studied and readied himself for this opportunity. He was at peace as he walked on that wire because he knew he was ready.

How often in life are you READY for the opportunity when it presents itself?

As an entrepreneur, this hit me over and over in head witnessing this worldwide, death defying spectacle. That is what I strive for every day when I wake up. Am I prepared for an opportunity that may come my way? Have I studied? How much training must I do today to be prepared tomorrow? What skills need to be sharpened to get me closer to my goal?

My faith in God is tremendous. I acknowledge (and am eternally grateful for) the way He has blessed me with my very unique talent set and personality traits that set me apart from my competition. But it is not my faith in God alone that makes me win each day. I get up each day walking toward those blessings and the opportunity to exercise those talents He bestowed upon me. I am not waiting for the phone to ring, I am making it ring with every ounce of planning,  preparation and honing of my skills and abilities. Just as Nik Wallenda was not banking on his family history of high wire walking or that God was going to miraculously walk with him across the wire, we all must take hold of the calling we have in life.

Paul wrote in 2 Thessalonians:1:11 (New Living Translation)

So we keep on praying for you, asking our God to enable you to live a life worthy of his call. May he give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do.

It is clear that there is effort expected on your part in that verse. God "enables" you to live a life worthy of His call by giving you talents, abilities, skills and desires to execute against. He give us the power to "accomplish" those through discipline and preparation.

Today, I am fired up again to continue my walk toward changing the world, one relationship at a time. 

Thanks Nik Wallenda for the reminder.

How Well Do You Pivot?

Are you ready for any of the paths that lie before you today?

Over the last month, Relationships Matter Now forged a new stream of work that has been very fulfilling and intriguing. Stemming from a relationship we've been cultivating all summer, we now have entered an area of work that did not exist for us when 2014 began. As exciting and terrifying as it's been, I am so impressed that we were able to take advantage of the opportunity when it presented itself to us. This whole experience got me thinking and inspired me to ask the question of my tribe -

How well do you pivot?

The dictionary definition of pivot did not quite fit exactly the context by which I am using this word but the number one synonym does: turn. How well do you or your business "turn"? In the 4 year history of Relationships Matter Now, we have evolved and grown simply due to our incredible ability to "turn." Here are three things we've done to make that possible.

Have Purpose 

Relationships Matter Now has always had a solid purpose in place - to "change the world, one relationship at a time." I can remember when folks questioned our purpose and I stood firmly in my conviction for my company. While it may be "squishy" to some or seem like a "tag line" - our purpose is real and every decision we make hinges on it paying off that purpose.  When you are crystal clear about why you exist, it is easy to create opportunity for yourself.  Now, please be sure and note that I am speaking about purpose - why you get up every day, why you open the doors of your business and the very thing that motivates you to do what you do. Purpose must be in place as a very first step to being able to pivot.

Develop Clear Repeatable Model

Before late in 2013, the way Relationships Matter Now delivered services was clear but it was not articulated. Because of this lack of articulation, there were times when we deviated from our delivery methodology and it hurt us. Once we captured, documented and branded our delivery model, we saw an immediate boost in our business. Without a clear repeatable model, you are doomed to "recreate" your work each time. This has personal implications as well. Think about the way you make decisions or operate. If you are not consistent, you will find yourself creating extra work each time you encounter a situation - perhaps the same situation you faced before. Having a clear and consistent way of executing saves you time and effort.

Be Ready

Readiness is the most important aspect of being able to pivot toward opportunity. Readiness looks different for different people and businesses. For Relationships Matter Now, we recognize readiness in our ability to apply the previous two items to a new area of work. Does the possible opportunity align with our purpose? Can we see ourselves making an impact quickly? Does our methodology work with this new area? Can we apply our expertise with this audience? After answering most or all of these questions in the affirmative, we immediately go to work building time to brainstorm around the new possibility. Then we quickly decide if it worth pursuing. Readiness also consists of being open to new ways to apply our talents and skills. We are not married to how or where we apply our work, just married to the ability to do it often.

The ability to pivot toward opportunity can be the difference between existing and thriving. Many people and businesses struggle to pivot and thus have difficulty growing and changing in the ways that could benefit them most. We hope you will that the time to discover what it takes to pivot in your life and/or business today.

Adults Rarely Change (Without Their Own Help)

David A. Kolb's Model of Adult Learning

The older we get, the tougher it is to change. This is common knowledge in most circles. Adults learn and change at a very different rate than children. Yet, the most common way adults are trained in  work settings is eerily similar to the way we teach children in traditional education settings.

Enter co-creation.

When you need to make a major shift in a mostly adult environment, it is critical to use co-creation as a tool for change. Much like the model above, co-creation counts on experience and reflection as a key driver for movement.

To get an adult to change his/her behavior, you must first change the way he/she thinks or sees a situation. The easiest way to move someone's thoughts is to engage them on a personal level. It's the old radio station analogy - what channel are most folks tuned into? WIFM - "What's In (It) For Me?" Once folks can tie something directly to their own actions or environment  - in the near term or the long term, you have a chance to change them. People need to believe that they matter especially as it relates to work or activities they spend lots of time doing.

Co-creation fills this need by actively soliciting the experiences of all participants who will be affected by the final outcome of the desired work. Co-creation takes collaboration to the next level.

Merriam-Webster defines collaborate as: to work with another person or group in order to achieve or do something. When you collaborate, you are "working together" but collaboration alone does not define the "how."

Think of instances where you were "collaborating" with someone who was determined to do things a certain way. In the beginning,  there is an implied desire to work toward the goal. However, it is clear when one party has a particular "way" they envision that goal being accomplished. Others in the group can feel pressured or bullied onto a specific path and that is a very loose description of collaboration. Co-creation, by it's very definition, comes at a challenge without knowing what the result will be.

Co-creation combines collaboration and facilitation. Co-creation occurs best when there is a neutral facilitator guiding the process. This facilitator does not always have to be a professional facilitator but they do need to be someone who will not be affected by the challenge you are intending to solve.  The neutrality allows the facilitator to guide and control the discussion without interest or ulterior motives - their goal is to ensure a robust non-partial discussion of ideas. The facilitator will also be instrumental in forcing prioritization, again without any ties to the outcomes.

Co-creation gives everyone a voice. When people have a voice, you have your best shot at implementing change.

The next time you need to change a group of adults, you may want to take a step back and allow them to co-create the change you want implement. Especially if you want that change to stick.

Marriage Is Work - The Best Kind

Ben Affleck and Jen Garner during the 2013 Award Season - a good one for Ben

Way back in February, I wrote a post about 2013 Academy Award winning Best Picture Argo's Director, Ben Affleck. That post was solely about the work part of his triumph. Find it here. I was so impressed and did not get to actually see the movie until a few weeks ago. Fired up to cheer for Ben all these months later, I was reminded of his acceptance speech all over again. I loved the speech. Every word. And while before I chose to focus on the work part of the speech and pursuing your dreams, it is the other "work" part of the speech, I'd like to focus on today.  Ben said something to his wife, fellow actor, Jennifer Garner, about his marriage that sent the internet abuzz.

"I want to thank you for working on our marriage for 10 Christmases. It’s good, it is work, but it’s the best kind of work, and there’s no one I’d rather work with."

We are full speed into the 2013 wedding season now and what better time to shine a light on Mr. Affleck's wise statement.  Marriage is work. No doubt. Without question.

Many people tried to read into his statement as if something was "wrong" in their marriage. He went so far as to "defend" his statement in a SNL monologue months later, inviting his wife to join him. Ben, you needn't have worried. Those of us toiling in our own (12 years and counting over here) marriages get it. More people would be wise to listen to what you said. Even in his SNL defense - he touched on something I think most people can relate to as well.

"You define what’s important to you by what you dedicate your time to."

After seeing the masterpiece that is his work in Argo - I got it all over again. I have for the last few years been building a business and love my work. Just as I love my marriage and family. Work has such a huge impact on my life and I can see how easy it is to parallel almost every thing else to it.

Owning a business is work.

Anything worth having, requires work. 

Most valuable things are created with work.

Raising kids with someone else is work.

Wealth is created the first time with work.

And yes, marriages that go the duration also entail work. Kudos to a Hollywood star for being so brutally honest with us and sharing that they, too, experience some aspects of life like the rest of us.

I have always appreciated Ben Affleck. Thanks, Ben for validating that irrational appreciation.

Our Fluid New World

Complex fluid/Complex flow

Years ago, someone told me  that my personality was more fluid than linear.

At the time, I have to admit I had little idea what it really meant but liked knowing it and kept the concept.

As I've grown older, I've learned quite a bit more about the concept and without question, I am much more fluid that linear in most instances while in other cases, I am extremely linear. It really all depends what the challenge is. This is especially true for me now as a business owner.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the two as I am utilizing them below:

Fluid:   subject to change or movement

Linear: of, relating to, or based or depending on sequential development 


That stated, one thing I know for sure - regardless of where you are on this axiom - the world is more fluid than it has ever been. Concepts, ideas and actions move at a lightening fast pace versus 30 or 40 years ago. People have to adapt and then adapt again so much now that the only certainty is uncertainty itself. 

How do you react to this?

Does this freak you out?

Are you defiant in "sticking with what works"?

Do you just go with the flow?

Your quality of life depends on how you answer those questions.

This will seem trivial but should illustrate my point well. I have lived most of my life in the Chicago area. Before the last few years, it was pretty predictable how our seasons go. Winter was simple. Cold. Frigid. Colder. Fridger. We rarely had spring as it would often be very cold into April and early May and by June we'd all be complaining about the heat. Fall was always my favorite season because Chicago often had Indian Summers that one day in December (sometimes November) just give way to the aforementioned Winter pattern. 

Not so much anymore. 

It is January and yesterday it was hovering around freezing with sheets of ice covering my porch and sidewalk when I went out to walk my dog for the last time at 8 pm. This morning, on that same walk,  on that same walkway - it was a balmy 51 degrees. We had a weather prediction that we'd see 50s on Wed. I looked right before I slept only to look now and see that it has changed again and we can expect it be 18 degrees on Thursday.

Who knows what will actually happen, the point is this. We must be fluid in our responses to this fluid weather situation. We must bundle up when it is cold. We must lighten the layers when it is not. That can sometimes occur in the same 24 hours - no matter. In order to navigate Chicago, you have to adapt to our new fluid weather pattern.

Same goes with other areas of life. Our work. Our recreation. Our relationships.

We must come at them with an open mind for change. We must equip ourselves with tools to handle whatever comes our way. We must embrace the change with flexible arms to let it go, should it be necessary.

Think about all the "systems" you belong to... church, political, community, work, family etc etc. When was the last time things consistently stayed the same in those arenas? Of course, your answer was never. People change. Things change. Situations change. 

Whether you lean toward more linear thinking or are super fluid in your patterns - our fluid new world offers us the chance to practice moving through change frequently. Your quality of life depends on your adapting skills to all this change.

What are other thoughts on this topic? Let me hear yours!