3 Lessons From The Stories That Fuel My Life

As we wind down 2015, it occurs to me that our stories are really all that matter.

The story we believe is the story we live.

When was the last time you stopped to look at the story playing in your own mind?

2015 has been a year of transforming stories in my life so I've spent a great part of this year really looking closely at all the story lines in my life.

My personal story.

My marriage story.

My family story - the family of origin and the family I've built.

My business story.

My "place in the world" story.

All these stories intersect and lay out my actions and behaviors that align with what I believe about each of them. When I've stopped and really examined a story, I've learned something new. This year in particular, I've needed stories to propel me forward through some tough times and it was in this place that I got some new revelations about the stories fueling my life. Here are the three things I learned about my stories this year.

Every Story Needs Air

More than any other time in my life, I realized the unintended consequences of not facing a story that lies beneath the surface. As a communicator and storyteller by trade, I was sure I was adept at mining out and telling "the story." Immediately upon seeking help to manage my oversized life this year, I learned that a few stories I told myself and consequently lived were false narratives. It was only in the light of day and actually verbalizing them was I able to snuff them out and live authentically in what I truly believed. When we suppress a story, it does not die. I'd argue that depending on the content of the story, it may actually grow and grow in ways that are harmful to its owner if not properly attended. Give your stories air so you can weed out the ones you want and need versus that ones you need to let go. Further, you never know who needs your story - sometimes stories need air, not for us but for others.

Stories Change As You Do

Three weeks ago, while telling one of my longest held stories to a friend, he debunked it in one text sentence. I just paused this post to look at the text again and seeing it written in black and white still stops me in my tracks. He was right and that revelation has completely changed my view of myself  - with one 8 word text. My story changed. Perhaps years ago but I never noticed or bothered to change the narrative in my head. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that deep down, I knew the story had changed but I never seized on the change to bring it to action. I am a different person from when that story was created. Even as I grew over time and repeated it, I often did it with a tone of disdain or sarcasm yet I held on to the story in its original form. Until I let it go.

Some Stories Need Releasing To Make Space For New Ones

And let go I did. I have not repeated that story again in it's original form since that day. I can already feel a new story around that topic forming. Stories occupy space and energy. Think about it. If we keep stories that have expired or lost their usefulness, we don't have room for new stories to build us and serve us now. This is a hard but necessary lesson I am learning now in earnest. As I close one chapter of my life and start to build a new one, I am releasing stories daily. It is not fun. It is quite painful and there are lots of tears in my eyes these days. But with each story released, I can see a new story forming. The energy we spend holding on to stories that no longer serve us snuff out the opportunities that await us on the other side of them. Release a long held story today and watch a new one form.

So what stories do you need to give air to this day? How will your allow your story to change as you have? What stories need releasing to make space for new ones?

There is no better time than the beginning of a new year to take a good inventory of the stories you believe and live by. Stop and do that today.

Your stories fuel your life. Decide today what life you want.

If Life Imitates Art, Let's Up The Art Game

It is said that life imitates art. And we certainly know that art often times is a direct reflection of life.

If that is the case, then we are in big trouble in America. We are in grave danger of perpetuating cheap stereotypes, tired and outdated narratives and the "progress" we say we want, keeps slipping further and further into the future.

How many of you have seen or heard about the film Spare Parts, released in January of this year in a joint venture between Lionsgate films and Mexican media giant Televisa? Too few to count, I'm sure and that is the reason for this rant of a post.

Let's suppose that life actually imitates art and up the game on the art we consume.  Yep. I said it.

After watching the incredible based on a true story motion picture about 4 undocumented Mexican high schoolers who defied all odds and resource constraints to beat an MIT team (and other well funded university program teams) at a UCSB  Underwater Robotics competition, I am convinced that we need more.

More tales of defying odds and making a way out of no way.

More stories about the actual lives of undocumented people living in the shadows among us.

More narratives of what matters most, teamwork, collaboration and tapping into everyone's talent.

More accounts of humans striving to belong and contribute in marvelous ways.

One reason the bigoted and ignorant rhetoric we see soaring to the tops of the current GOP presidential race is because of a lack of widespread exposure to precisely these types of stories. We can't get every person in every corner of this nation to have actual relationships and/or  interactions with people who different from them. That would be ideal.

Actual exposure to people, ideas, places that are very different than ourselves, our neighborhoods and our own ideas is costly and impractical. But to make better use of the channels we have would be marvelous. Wouldn't it be great if Hollywood started making movies that disrupt rather than perpetuate stereotypes and outdated narratives? What about TV shows - comedic and drama - that better reflect the actual lives of the many extraordinary people across our great land?

Go out and make Spare Parts the "Pitch Perfect" of 2015.  Rent it. Buy it. Pass it around. Spread the word like we all did for the 2012 comedy that, like Spare Parts,  was released on a very limited low budget and sent to DVD within 120 days of its release. The momentum and word of mouth for Pitch Perfect hit its peak in the fall of 2013 when its DVD sales and popularity was at an all time high due to the rapid fire social media wave of interests.  We spread the word on Pitch Perfect because it moved us. It was clever. It was a funny story about a a group of misfits who banded together to make valuable contributions toward a greater goal. It was about healthy competition and the role it plays in growing us. It was about the power of teamwork and honoring everyone's contribution and talent.

Spare Parts is that kind of story - a story worth sharing. When Hollywood sees interest, it responds and gives us more. We need more movies like Spare Parts. Join me in sharing this great tale and demanding that entertainment companies like Lionsgate and Televisa give us more.

Get Spare Parts today!

In Like A Lion: What To Do When Life Roars Ferociously

Gorgeous lions living "outside my door" in Chicagoland

March came in like a lion and and is leaving just the same. From the extreme high of launching my second non-fiction book at the 27th Annual Forum on Workplace Inclusion to the extreme low of watching my 9 year old swell up unrecognizably in an allergic reaction that was resisting meds in the  ER over the weekend, this March has roared ferociously from start to finish. And honestly, I'm looking forward to a new month later this week.

Each week of March was full of activity, not all activity immediately "productive," the worst kind of activity for an enterprise like mine. Personal and professional ups and downs. So much so that time to post in this venue never arrived until now. I never stopped creating but my consistent creating here was horribly interrupted. What do you do when life roars as a lion directly in your face for consecutive days, weeks, months as it has for me the last seven months? These three actions kept and keep me going.

Know You Are Your Story, Not Your Circumstances

I am in a shitty season of life right now. No way around it. There are so many very good things going on for me and my family but there are also some really rough things we are working through at the same time. And it is not easy. However, I know my story. My story of triumph over tragedy. My story of character in the face of disgrace. My story of doing what's right regardless the cost. I also know my family's story and it is very similar to my personal one. We have experienced tough times before. We have seen plenty and scarcity. We know and experience joy and love. We are supportive of others and have received support. We have fun in spite of what we "see." We focus on what's important and let go of what's not. Knowing our story has helped us not focus on the circumstances we are currently facing. We are bigger than what's going on right now - good or bad. Our ability to "be" during trying times are what make us who we are - not what is happening around us.

Remember, Life Is Seasonal

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. - Ecclesiastes 3:1 NLT

When life is good, I often forget to enjoy it fully because I just keep pushing. I have made it an intention to focus and enjoy life more in the last 18 months or so and I am glad. For fully enjoying life when it is good helps bolster you when it is challenging. Savoring life's blessings big and small gives you good practice when facing rough waters. The ability to see it all as fleeting and seasonal is wonderful perspective that builds resilience. Resilience makes storms appear as the temporal challenges they really are. Keeping a seasonal outlook to life is good business.

Share Your Heartache

Perhaps the most challenging for people like me (and I imagine many others) is opening up about your pain. One human reaction to pain is resistance and another is shame. We hate being in pain and will often deny it but even worse is our tendency to hide it from those with whom we share our lives. Thankfully, the last two years have seen me sharing my pain and letting others assist me in carrying  the burden. This one action has trumped the other two because it gets me outside my own head. It allows for added perspective on my trouble and enables others to help me with solutions. Further, people want to help. We deny them the opportunity when we hold our challenges in secret. Allowing others to share your heartache breaks your heartache into smaller parts and thus makes it easier to endure.

So, while I am looking forward to a new month that will hopefully give way to a new season, I am prepared either way.

Be Intentional With Your Life Soundtrack

Stevie Wonder in his "second home" Chicago - credit E. Jason Wambsgans

Ever think that what you hear, intentionally or unintentionally, impacts you greatly? I'm pretty sure I understand that what we "take in" - in any form, shapes who we are and how we see the world.  I'd like to specifically tackle music for a few moments.

Seeing Stevie Wonder on his "Songs In the Key of Life" Tour stop in Chicago drove home a few very important points about the impact of music in our lives. While I have been very intentional with what music my family and I listen to, I am convinced that that is an exercise we all should practice. Listening to Stevie for 3 plus hours reminded me of my childhood and the impact his music had and continues to have on me as an individual.

Songs in the Key of Life was playing in the background for much of my childhood years. Released in the fall of 1976, this critically acclaimed album really became the soundtrack of not just my childhood but really my entire life. Track by track, I've listened to throughout my years, each having different significance at different eras.

Some of these songs swept me back to simpler times, when I as 6 or 7 years old and my extended family congregated on weekends in the basement of one of my uncles homes on Chicago's south side. Just hearing the opening bars to Sir Duke send a chill up my spine and makes me physically smell smoke - all bringing good memories of "get togethers" and lots of talking, laughing and eating with my dad's side of the family. I can see my dad and at least 5 of his 8 brothers playing cards around a table across from the bar.

Other songs empowered me to get involved in politics early in my 20s while living on Chicago's north side. They served as a reminder from where I'd come to where I'd had the opportunity to go. Battling the contrasts of what I saw - always from a distance - growing up to what I was experiencing as a new young adult emboldened me to speak up and stand up for those whose voices were often not heard in the greater narrative of our country's story.

Yet others gave me hope for love.  Love that was true, lasting and real and thanks to Steve's pen - attainable to me. From his loving tribute to his first born to his excruciating descriptions of love lost or worth fighting for, love became something I wanted and something I already had. Songs inspired me to love myself above all else as a vehicle for experiencing love with others.

I am certain that because of this album, I have been very intentional about what music I listen to, even in the background. Words, rhythms, beats and harmonies seep into our souls. We have a responsibility to be intentional about every one we allow in.

Thank you, Stevie for the reminder.

How Well Do You Pivot?

Are you ready for any of the paths that lie before you today?

Over the last month, Relationships Matter Now forged a new stream of work that has been very fulfilling and intriguing. Stemming from a relationship we've been cultivating all summer, we now have entered an area of work that did not exist for us when 2014 began. As exciting and terrifying as it's been, I am so impressed that we were able to take advantage of the opportunity when it presented itself to us. This whole experience got me thinking and inspired me to ask the question of my tribe -

How well do you pivot?

The dictionary definition of pivot did not quite fit exactly the context by which I am using this word but the number one synonym does: turn. How well do you or your business "turn"? In the 4 year history of Relationships Matter Now, we have evolved and grown simply due to our incredible ability to "turn." Here are three things we've done to make that possible.

Have Purpose 

Relationships Matter Now has always had a solid purpose in place - to "change the world, one relationship at a time." I can remember when folks questioned our purpose and I stood firmly in my conviction for my company. While it may be "squishy" to some or seem like a "tag line" - our purpose is real and every decision we make hinges on it paying off that purpose.  When you are crystal clear about why you exist, it is easy to create opportunity for yourself.  Now, please be sure and note that I am speaking about purpose - why you get up every day, why you open the doors of your business and the very thing that motivates you to do what you do. Purpose must be in place as a very first step to being able to pivot.

Develop Clear Repeatable Model

Before late in 2013, the way Relationships Matter Now delivered services was clear but it was not articulated. Because of this lack of articulation, there were times when we deviated from our delivery methodology and it hurt us. Once we captured, documented and branded our delivery model, we saw an immediate boost in our business. Without a clear repeatable model, you are doomed to "recreate" your work each time. This has personal implications as well. Think about the way you make decisions or operate. If you are not consistent, you will find yourself creating extra work each time you encounter a situation - perhaps the same situation you faced before. Having a clear and consistent way of executing saves you time and effort.

Be Ready

Readiness is the most important aspect of being able to pivot toward opportunity. Readiness looks different for different people and businesses. For Relationships Matter Now, we recognize readiness in our ability to apply the previous two items to a new area of work. Does the possible opportunity align with our purpose? Can we see ourselves making an impact quickly? Does our methodology work with this new area? Can we apply our expertise with this audience? After answering most or all of these questions in the affirmative, we immediately go to work building time to brainstorm around the new possibility. Then we quickly decide if it worth pursuing. Readiness also consists of being open to new ways to apply our talents and skills. We are not married to how or where we apply our work, just married to the ability to do it often.

The ability to pivot toward opportunity can be the difference between existing and thriving. Many people and businesses struggle to pivot and thus have difficulty growing and changing in the ways that could benefit them most. We hope you will that the time to discover what it takes to pivot in your life and/or business today.

Rest In Peace: A Message For The Living

Over the last few months, I have been somewhat obsessed with the phrase "Rest In Peace." I've been thinking about the implications of how we use that phrase for our dearly departed. Almost every where in the world, people wish dead folks peace. Ripples and ripples of peace wishes pour in instantaneously upon hearing of someone's passing - almost always directed at the dead.

Faced with mortality and death at a very early age, I have to say this fact has always bothered me and I did not know how to communicate my discomfort until recently. My conclusion is this... living people need peace. And we need it much more than dead people.

We should wish that everyone "rest in peace", daily.

Dictionary.com defines peace this way:
      1.) a state of mutual harmony between people or groups especially in personal relations
      2.) cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension

I love that definition. In fact, over the last few months as I've really examined when and how I wish peace on people.

When someone is faced with a trial or challenge, I send peace wishes their way.
When someone loses someone they love, I send peace wishes their way.
When all is chaotic in a situation and people are flailing about, I send peace wishes their way.

My new phrase has been "Peace, Love and Light." I send these wishes on social media and in hand written notes whenever necessary.  Just writing or saying that phrase lifts my soul and I've been told it does the same to the intended recipients. Many people only have a relationship with peace as it relates to death. I'd like to push that paradigm and shift our thinking to peace in life.

I am in a season of tremendous growth personally and professionally and a key driver of that growth is a shift in the way I think. I see evidence of my thinking changes every single day -  in the choices I'm making, in the interactions with others and in my behavior overall. Wouldn't it be amazing to be able to make a shift in the world based solely on the way we think about wishing folks peace?

So while I am not advocating that we stop using "Rest In Peace" as we do today, I am asking you to consider wishing living folks peace as well.  Find ways to send peace greetings and wishes every day. Resting in peace should be a blessing for the living.

Wonder: Give In To It

Can you see the "wonder" in the Arbol de Tule in Oaxaca, MX? This is the oldest tree on Earth and we saw it last summer

When you hear the word "wonder," what comes to your mind?

Nature

Wonder Woman

Stevie Wonder

Wonder Bread

If I'm honest, all of the above were some of the first things I thought of when thinking about this post. But the true inspiration of the post is a series of things that have happened since September 25 that are nothing short of miracles to me.

Some work related, some service related and many personal related. All fitting the bill of wonder. Dictionary says wonder n. a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable or v.  to feel admiration and amazement; marvel.

How often do you allow your self to give in to wonder? If you are like the average person, I bet you find ways to explain it away, you ignore it or worse, you are frightened by it. It seems we have come to a place in history where we downplay wonder.

With all the "controls" we have of our time and space with technology these days, it seems that we as a society have lost our ability to stop and truly feel wonder.  Here are two ways to keep that from happening to you.

Let Go 

As simple as it sounds, it can be the hardest thing for most people, letting go. Let go of expectations of others. Let go of outcomes in your every day dealings. Tune in to actuality and let go of what you imagine things to be. As a type-A personality, this is something I have to be extremely intentional about. I often find myself coaching myself to let things go out loud- actually speaking "let go." This is not to say you don't plan or work toward goals or objectives. What this means is simply not being married to how things play out. Absolutely follow your dream and use your best talents daily but don't be set on the HOW it all works. A whole new area of my business was born this past summer by me being open to it, allowing the 'intrusion' in and seeing where it led. It was most definitely a goal of mine in 2013 to serve more Fortune 500 companies but man, am I grateful I was not hell bent on how I'd serve them.

Tune In

In order to genuinely feel wonder, you have to be paying attention. Tuned in. Since by its nature, wonder is unexpected, unfamiliar or inexplicable, you won't see it unless you are tuned in to it. Being buried in your email, you won't see it. Keeping your head lowered toward a device won't help you see it.  You have to be engaged. You have to fully listen to people around you. You have to look for ways to connect yourself to wonder by being open. My favorite thing that happened in the last 60 days was meeting a woman who went to high school with my mom. If you haven't followed me, you may not know that my mom departed this life at a very young age when I was 4 years old. With very few family members on her side and even few non-family connections, there has been a huge void of information about her that has nagged me all my life being the seeker I am. A few weeks back I was speaking at an event in Chicago and at the end, about 70 people rushed the stage to meet me. As people handed me their cards, I looked fully in their eyes and fully at their cards and made and intentional effort to connect with them. I do it every time I speak. Little did I know that a woman would look back at me as I quickly mentioned that she worked in the town my mom lived in as a child and tell me she grew up there to. We stopped in that frantic moment and realized we were connected through my mom who'd passed away 37 years ago. Wonder.

And I could share more than a dozen other similar instances that occurred in my life over the last few months. Today, I want to challenge you to stop and give in to wonder. I am certain it is all around you just as it is all around me.

Are You All In?

Are you all in?

Yeah, you! And yes, I'm asking you point blank.

Are you all in with your own needs, wants and desires? Have you identified those needs/wants/desires? Are you making progress toward the things that are most important to you? Are you taking responsibility for your time? Your behavior? Your priorities?

Are you "all in" in your relationships? Are you being honest with those folks you choose to do life with? Are you letting yourself be known? Are you allowing yourself to love fully? Are you engaged with the people you encounter on a daily basis? Do you let your partner/spouse/kids/parents/siblings see you for who you really are?

Are you "all in" in your community? How are you helping to make your environment better? What are you doing to contribute to the well being of your neighborhood? Do you know people you live near? Are you leveraging your own talents/resources/contacts to make life better where you live?

Are you "all in" at work? Do you bring your best self to your job every day? Do you understand the goals and objectives your workplace is trying to achieve? Have you asked? Are you engaged with your co-workers?Are you using your best talents every day?

I know that was brutal. Too many questions, not many answers but that was the point. You own your life. Too many times in the last few weeks, I've spoken with people who are not happy, have no direction and are flailing toward nothingness. They are lonely although they are doing life with many people. They are unfulfilled although they appear to have it all. They ask me "how I do it?" Well this post is the answer.

I hammer myself with all the above questions, constantly. I am never satisfied with less than positive answers. If I find during my internal "interrogation" that I am down or not very content with an answer, then I go on a quest to change it. I enlist people who love me to help. I keep pressing forward until I am at peace with what is coming back to me. I leave it all on the field - every day of every month of every year. I am "all in" in this one life I have to live.

Are you?