3 Steps To Practicing Radical Self-Care

Tough to give what you don't have, practice radical self-care

Radical self-care is critical and should be at the top of your to-do list every day.

What is radical self-care? My definition is the unshakable, nonnegotiable regular care of oneself. This looks different from person to person but ultimately is rooted the belief that in order to love and care for others in our lives, we must, first, love and care for ourselves. Radically.

I already know there are many reading this whose eyes have rolled to the back of their heads and are barely hanging into this third paragraph, but stay with me. Yes, you've heard this before. No, it's not a joke. Many of you already know this but have struggled to implement any form of regular self-care in your life. You cringe in guilt at the very thought or you throw your hands up not believing you can ever find the time to do anything for just you. You can begin a journey to radical self care and there are three critical things you must do to initiate and create space in your life for radical self-care.

Start Small

In order to grow to radical self-care as I defined, you have do baby steps self-care first. It is indeed impossible to dive into "radical anything"  if you don't have the basics first. Add something that you alone enjoy to your calendar each week. It can be a phone date with a friend. Coffee at your favorite cafe alone. 20 minutes of reading time. We all get 10,080 minutes in every week we live, you can carve out 30 of those to yourself starting right away. And don't forget to add it to your calendar and you get bonus points for putting it on a shared calendar. One of the most important ways to keep the commitment is to write it down and make others in your life see it's importance.

Build On Your Start

Once you've gone 6 straight weeks of a small commitment, you must up the stakes in some way. Again, this is entirely up to you but it must a) be more than your initial step at self-care and b) be shared with an accountability partner.  Now, pick your partner wisely. Don't call your flaky sister or flimsy friend who won't remind you or will indulge your excuses for missing your self-care. You need to call the person you don't want to tell because that's precisely who you need to push you. Remember, we all get 365 days in a year, so taking one full day or more per month is not unreasonable. And especially if you are building that day or two onto 30 minutes of weekly self-care. It will not feel like a big leap nor will you feel any guilt. In order to keep the momentum, you have to build on the initial self-care routine which will set you up for what's next.

Go Big

Identify something big you want to do for yourself and do it. This could be an overnight stay alone in a hotel.  Or this could be a weekend trip with your girlfriends or a guys weekend in Atlantic City but it must be big and follow your building stage.  Once you do this once, it will get easier and you will get really good at finding ways to up your self-care game in between big self-care events.  The biggest bonus of going big, is when life throws you big curves, you can combat it with radical rest and respite. Without question, my habitual radical self-care has made my latest valley not seem so deep. I was also able to activate courage to raise my self-care game to the need in my life and I'll be enjoying a weekend away, just me, very soon to fuel me through a tough season.

Taking care of yourself well is not optional, it's imperative.

What will you do today to start your journey to radical self-care?

When's The Last Time You Bet On You?

All in - when was the last time you were "all in" for yourself

I'm heading to Las Vegas in a few weeks for a trip that is very much part of my 2016 Recalibrate agenda. The process of exploring the opportunity, weighing my options and finally making my move was not very different than previous bets I'd placed on myself but this time the stakes were higher and it felt different.

When was the last time you bet on yourself? You know, all in, all or nothing -  100% betting on you.

I've come to realize that for most people it is not very often at all and I want to change that. Here are three reasons to go all out and bet on you in 2016.

You Are Worthy

I have no idea what's brewing in your mind. A relationship change? A business idea? A promotion at your job? A move across country or the world? Whatever it is, I want to tell you are worthy of that "thing" you want. You are deserving of the love you desire. Your idea needs air. Your company needs your perspective. You should see that place you've dreamed about. Too many times we talk ourselves out of our true desires because we don't feel we are capable, deserving or worthy of such a big change. Some of us can barely form our lips to say it for fear of what others may say in response further cementing our sense of inadequacy about our desires. Know that the nagging in your mind and spirit is your indication that this is important and that you should pay attention. Give yourself permission to imagine yourself in your dream, whatever it is.

People Want To Help You

This is a tough one to digest for all types. Think about it. If you are a natural collaborator - most likely you are always willing to help and contribute to the ideas of others. And if you are a disruptor, like me, you often go alone and the idea of others helping makes you laugh. When you bet on yourself and talk about your dream, you ignite passion and ideas in others, ideas to help you. This also applies for tough challenges you have to face; when you allow others to share the burden, it really is lighter. Sharing my journey of how depression wrecked my marriage and the consequences of that wreckage has been an amazing experience. From the outpouring of offers of help and encouragement to the cries of camaraderie of others suffering now, I don't regret sharing my pain. We must reach out and invite others into our dreams and our journey.

Snowball Effect

We all know what happens to a snow ball as it rolls down a hill. It gains both material and momentum.  The same occurs when you bet on yourself. Too scared to bet on yourself for that Big Hairy Audacious Goal? Then bet on yourself small today. On anything. Trust you gut. Give yourself the "ok" on little things. As I look back on when I started betting on myself, it was a long time ago. Since I was a teenager, I have always stepped out and bet on me. Some times it worked out and every time I learned. Lately, in the last 8 years, as my kids grew and needed me in different ways, I returned some focus to me, my career and my deepest desires to lead. Each of those small bets led me to bigger bets and in a few years quite possibly the biggest career bet I've ever made. But it is not an isolated thing. I've now been betting on me -both personally and professionally consistently. And the snow ball effect is real. Stay tuned if you don't believe me.

So I ask again, when was the last time you bet on you? When did you last push through your fear and go after something or someone you wanted? If it was longer than yesterday,  you have some work to do.

Go.

Time To Recalibrate

Every year since I started Relationships Matter Now, I've picked a theme to focus myself and the business around. Originally, it was simply an exercise in gratitude to the universe for allowing me the opportunity to work for myself. Then, each year after 2012, I have carefully crafted my theme based on both happenings and desires in my work and personal life.

This year is no different.

Perhaps for the first time since I started the themes, my personal life is impacting the theme way more than my professional life. 2016 will certainly usher in a completely different personal life for me. While business has been phenomenal, my marriage has not faired as well and will be coming to an end. If you know me at all, you know how huge a shift for me this will be. It will require a complete rebranding and recalibration of my very being.

Parallel to that, I stepped out of public office in July 2015. The very inspiration for my business was my elected office role in Lake in the Hills, Il. My love and desire to serve the public has not diminished but I've had to recalibrate how I do that. Former IL Governor Pat Quinn appointed me to a statewide business council and I was recently tapped by IL Comptroller Leslie Munger to serve in another capacity on a statewide advisory board. Again, these opportunities are pushing me to recalibrate my public service.

My motherhood is changing. Clearly, motherhood shifts and moves as your children grow but nothing prepares you to face motherhood alone when you've banked on and worked hard on a marriage partnership to bring the kids to "completion." With a high school freshman and fifth grader and a pending separation, my motherhood will need recalibration.

My business is adding an employee. Until now, we've grown only with project based contractors. 2016 sees me making the commitment to a dedicated team member and it's freaking me out to have "people" overhead expenses. I need to quickly recalibrate my thoughts around this or I'm gonna waste all the productivity gains this new addition will afford me and the business.

Dictionary defines calibrate, the root word of recalibrate as  - to plan or devise (something) carefully so as to have a precise use, application, appeal, etc.

Recalibrating my womanhood,  in light of moving from wife back to single woman.
Recalibrating my public service.
Recalibrating my motherhood
Recalibrating my business.

I am excited for 2016.

#2016Recalibrate

3 Lessons From The Stories That Fuel My Life

As we wind down 2015, it occurs to me that our stories are really all that matter.

The story we believe is the story we live.

When was the last time you stopped to look at the story playing in your own mind?

2015 has been a year of transforming stories in my life so I've spent a great part of this year really looking closely at all the story lines in my life.

My personal story.

My marriage story.

My family story - the family of origin and the family I've built.

My business story.

My "place in the world" story.

All these stories intersect and lay out my actions and behaviors that align with what I believe about each of them. When I've stopped and really examined a story, I've learned something new. This year in particular, I've needed stories to propel me forward through some tough times and it was in this place that I got some new revelations about the stories fueling my life. Here are the three things I learned about my stories this year.

Every Story Needs Air

More than any other time in my life, I realized the unintended consequences of not facing a story that lies beneath the surface. As a communicator and storyteller by trade, I was sure I was adept at mining out and telling "the story." Immediately upon seeking help to manage my oversized life this year, I learned that a few stories I told myself and consequently lived were false narratives. It was only in the light of day and actually verbalizing them was I able to snuff them out and live authentically in what I truly believed. When we suppress a story, it does not die. I'd argue that depending on the content of the story, it may actually grow and grow in ways that are harmful to its owner if not properly attended. Give your stories air so you can weed out the ones you want and need versus that ones you need to let go. Further, you never know who needs your story - sometimes stories need air, not for us but for others.

Stories Change As You Do

Three weeks ago, while telling one of my longest held stories to a friend, he debunked it in one text sentence. I just paused this post to look at the text again and seeing it written in black and white still stops me in my tracks. He was right and that revelation has completely changed my view of myself  - with one 8 word text. My story changed. Perhaps years ago but I never noticed or bothered to change the narrative in my head. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that deep down, I knew the story had changed but I never seized on the change to bring it to action. I am a different person from when that story was created. Even as I grew over time and repeated it, I often did it with a tone of disdain or sarcasm yet I held on to the story in its original form. Until I let it go.

Some Stories Need Releasing To Make Space For New Ones

And let go I did. I have not repeated that story again in it's original form since that day. I can already feel a new story around that topic forming. Stories occupy space and energy. Think about it. If we keep stories that have expired or lost their usefulness, we don't have room for new stories to build us and serve us now. This is a hard but necessary lesson I am learning now in earnest. As I close one chapter of my life and start to build a new one, I am releasing stories daily. It is not fun. It is quite painful and there are lots of tears in my eyes these days. But with each story released, I can see a new story forming. The energy we spend holding on to stories that no longer serve us snuff out the opportunities that await us on the other side of them. Release a long held story today and watch a new one form.

So what stories do you need to give air to this day? How will your allow your story to change as you have? What stories need releasing to make space for new ones?

There is no better time than the beginning of a new year to take a good inventory of the stories you believe and live by. Stop and do that today.

Your stories fuel your life. Decide today what life you want.

My Own Personal War On Depression Start Now

The World of A Depressed Person And Those That Love Them

Over the last few years, I've lived through and witnessed the devastating effects of depression on an individual.

From the slow decline and subtle transformational changes to a traumatic event that thrust it into full light, depression devoured someone I loved.

It started with a decline in external connections. Really easy to miss especially in someone who had so few connections to begin with. I didn't pay much attention to what was being said at the time but now it's so clear. Invitations declined. Inquiries brushed off. Negative or neutral comments about every one who showed even the slightest interest in maintaining contact.

Then I noticed the disconnection from our family. Further and further drifts into the internet or other interests outside our close knit family. Almost never truly being present. And when there was presence, there was frustration and irritation. Few smiles, fewer conversations. Raising the issue only caused tension and further isolation - risks I'm not afraid of and continued to push.

Good days and strings of good days declined. I'd hold on to those good times as indications that the poor times were a figment of my overachieving imagination. Pushed along. Pushed forward. Then in August 2014, the final facade in the charade of depression was shattered. A traumatic and swift event stole the final "front" that kept my loved floating through life.

Quickly after the trauma and only at my insistence, a trip to a psychologist rendered a diagnosis and a treatment plan was laid out but never followed. To this day almost 15 months later, the treatment plan sits on a doctor's chart and burning in my brain. After the diagnosis, month-by-month, I watched the further disconnection from reality and the deeper deception that is depression.  I've watched this disease convince someone they are garbage and not worth loving or hiring.

Darkness
Rejection.
Frustration.
Guilt.
Despair.
Hopelessness.
Repeat.

That's what happens when depression is untreated, over and over again - not just to the clinically depressed person but to the people close to them trying to help. What's scary to me is the fact that people live like this in relative obscurity in our society. They have families, marriages, jobs and all the things the rest of us have yet very few people really know and understand their existence. And it is a stark existence. 

I have surrendered my loved one and my marriage to this untreated depression for my own peace of mind.  We are on the upside of this reality and managing well the transition from the life we had to the life that awaits us.

But I am now awake to the horror that is depression. I will no longer suffer in silence. I declare war on depression for the sake of those sinking in battle alone. You are not alone. There are many of us fighting. We may lose battles

but we can win the war.  Depression, like all other evils, counts on our silence.


My ask, take notice.  Don't shy away from conversations. Pick up the phone. Visit people.
Ask for help. Connect with others who suffer. Find support groups. Talk about your suffering.

Do something. Depression counts on you to do nothing.

My relationship with depression is no longer secret. It's public and it's war.

3 B’s of Feedback For the 21st Century Leader

More than any other time in history, we live in an era where people crave and thrive on feedback. With the widespread adoption of social media tools in our lives, we can see, in real time, how everyone around us acts and reacts to our every move. This desire and craving does not stop when we enter our workplace. Now more than ever, it is increasingly important that 21st Century leaders understand the importance of feedback and how it impacts performance for today’s workers.  This trend calls for us to take a look at the delicate relationship between feedback, coaching and evaluation. In theory, these concepts are somewhat interchangeable, but in reality there are very important differences in the delivery of each. Today, we focus on feedback. While informal in nature, feedback is a critical tool in an arsenal of leadership resources to properly manage performance and get the best from our teams. If utilized regularly, it can be a tremendous asset to managing and improving performance.

We believe the onus for how feedback is utilized in work relationships falls on the leader and here are three ways to make feedback a key tool for success:

Be Clear

Make sure when giving feedback to an individual you separate the person from the behavior or action. Make it clear in your language exactly what you are giving feedback on. Try not to use absolutes like “always” or “never,” as most often they are not applicable. You must be direct but always deliver your truth with grace. Give examples in the recent past of the behaviors or actions you’d like to see. Not only does this reinforce what you want, it shines a light on what you don’t want.  Do not mix challenging feedback and positive feedback. Give them the challenges as stand alone feedback.  Clarity is often elusive in work environments so it’s important to address challenges when they occur.  Outline where a breakdown has occurred and allow space for you and your subordinate to solve it together versus you solving it for them.

Be Collaborative

One major difference between coaching, evaluation and feedback is the opportunity for collaboration on what’s next. In a healthy feedback loop, there are opportunities for co-creating solutions. Smart leaders know that they alone don’t have all the answers especially when it comes to bettering the performance of another human. We must be collaborative in our approach to feedback so we get a positive result and the change in behavior or action we want and believe we need. We have to make sure feedback in useful and actionable; that positive feedback reinforces behavior we like and collaborates on ways to spread it to others while challenging feedback opens the door to finding better ways to work together toward our goals and objectives.

Be Open

In many ways, this is the most important part of the feedback circle. You must be open to hearing the response to your feedback. Perhaps, your co-worker is in a very difficult time in life and has a very legitimate reason for the change in behavior or maybe something you or others in management have done created the disconnect you’re now giving feedback on. You also have to be open to receiving feedback. Once you open the “loop” of feedback to give to others, you must be willing to accept feedback about your actions and behaviors and you need to vocalize that. Don’t assume your team knows you want feedback, be direct and ask for it.


Following these tips can open a feedback loop that will raise the bar of performance in any work setting. Not only will it strengthen the performance management process, well executed feedback solidifies relationships and make for a better overall work environment for all.

The Magic In the Number 4

What other magic qualities can you think of for the number 4?

If I'm honest, I've always liked the number 4. It's easy and even. My mom died when I was four and my life change forever and is marked by all that happened my 4th year on this earth. Before I was married - 4 was one of the numbers of kids I wanted to have - 2 or 4. Four is the number of seasons we have in the calendar year if you are lucky enough to live in a place where you experience them all as we do in Chicago. 4 is the number of quarters in the fiscal business year that we build our activity around. It's the number of time zones to keep up with if you run a nationwide company in the United States. Four is the number of project types we specialize in at Relationships Matter Now. We recognize 4 directions on a map. There are so many significant milestones the number four illustrates. But last week, I got a whole new appreciation for the number as I approached my 44th birthday.

At my birthday massage, my masseuse casually mentioned that she missed her "4 year old" kids. She waxed on about why 4 is such a magical age and the more I listened, the more I agreed.

Four year olds dress the way they like and no one questions them.

Four year olds walk away in the middle of your sentence if they lose interest with no shame or obligation.

Four year olds question every "should."

Four year olds are invincible.

Four years still get amazed when they learn something new.

It got me thinking, with only a few days until I would be 44 - why can't I bring the magic of 4 to 44? Think about it, 44 should be 11 times the magic of 4!

44, a few years into the the decade where I fully accept and love the way I look.

44 was ushered in with amazing possibilities for my business that just completed it's 4th full year of operations.

44 will be the year I abolish "should" from my vocabulary completely.

44 feels invincible as it marks 20 more years I'm on the planet than my mom was when she passed.

44 will be the year I return to seeing the world in amazement. 

There is magic in the number 4 and it is multiplied at 44.

What other magic qualities does the number 4 bring to mind for you?