My Journey To My New Normal - You Coming?

So anyone who has known me for any length of time knows I do my best to follow the simple instructions of that post-it at the top of this post. And that is why it's especially vexing to live in our Facebook fairytale world these days.

Take this past Sunday for instance.

Easter Sunday.

Resurrection Sunday.

Christians and even many non-Christians kept a string of happy pastel colored photos in my stream all day. No ill feelings for that. I am one of those folks is happy when people I love are happy. But I'm also one of those folks who feel sad and feel deeply when my people are sad. But it's a fine line these days for the extended tribe. Of course those who are close to me are intimately aware of what's happening. In my desire to live authentically, I don't struggle with sharing my current state of affairs openly and regularly. But in our social media highlights versus day-to-day living, it is tough to keep it real.

How do you express sadness without evoking pity in our Facebook era?

How do you keep it real about where you are without bumming everyone out?

Well right along with all those other things that Sunday was to masses, it had been a very special day to me in the past. Sunday March 27 marked what would have been the 15 anniversary of my marriage that crumbled under the weight of depression that swallowed up my partner of 15 years late last year.

Yep.

I am not hiding or hesitating to state that every chance I get.

I am sad.

I am mourning as are my two kids.

It's natural and normal to feel this way but it's whole 'nother thing to post about it. But I'm hoping to change that. There is dignity in opening mourning your losses. People learn how to love you when allow yourself to be broken before them. And we are broken.

But like the hope that is in the hearts of those who actually celebrate Easter and Resurrection - we all know that there can be no Sunday morning without a Friday afternoon. Trauma. Sadness. Death. All necessary to rise again. Well that space between the death and the resurrection is where we are living these days in my house. We are doing the best we can under the circumstances we have.

We could not get all dressed up take photos of our holiday happenings because it was all we could do to make our food and smile and be with each other this year. And when I finally looked at the calendar at the end of the day and saw that it was a day we used to celebrate with fervor, the sadness overcame me and I had to share it.

My relationship with reality is too solid to fake it for the masses. So we must endure these days and this pain to have our resurrection as a family in its new form. We are gonna talk about it and share it and hope that others will join us on our journey to our new normal.

It's Our Anniversary, Every Day!

Isael and Denise Barreto - 13 years together - 12 married!

I am not embarrassed to let you all know that if it weren't for the Facebook calendar, I may have "missed" celebrating our anniversary this year - after 12 years of marriage. Yes, it was late in the day this past Saturday when I noticed that Facebook said I was commemorating my "anniversary with Isael Barreto."

I had to laugh.

You see, over the last 12 years, it's been sort of a cruel joke between us the whole anniversary celebration. In the early days, I wanted to celebrate and we were torn on which date to actually commemorate - March 27, the day we were legally married in the US or April 27 the wedding date. We whiffed them both, regularly.  You could blame it on the blending of cultures. On me, part cultural brainwashing, growing up in the US where we celebrate everything over the top and on him, growing up in Mexico where it is not as big a deal to celebrate your anniversary at all. You could also blame the fact that neither of us come from families where anniversaries even happened let alone were celebrated.

In 2011, we did celebrate our 10th anniversary with a great trip to Sonoma County California for fun weekend but apart from that we have sucked it big on celebrating our anniversary. And after a little reflection over the weekend, I'm happy to share why.

We enjoy one another, (most) every day of every year. We don't need to only celebrate our longevity on the actual day it started. We laugh and reminisce often, with our kids. They know our story. We live our story of love, daily. So while it is fun to actually have others join in on the celebrating once a year, we don't have a huge need celebrate something we live out and are grateful for daily - our love story. We have a fantastic relationship with our anniversary. It is part of us all the time.  So it's become fun to eek out a celebration on the fly.

No cards.

No gifts.

Just us. And lots of smiles and laughs.

We'd have it no other way.

I Got A Theme Song, But What About The Others?

Recently saw a post on Facebook about the following songs for your life: A Theme Song, A Strut Song and Your Entrance Song. Being a person extremely touched and moved by music on so many levels, of course, I have a Theme Song. Have had one for the last 22 years or so. What shocked me upon reading the post was my ignorance to the concept of the Strut and Entrance song.

Duh.

Why had I never given that any thought before now?

My theme song is Baby I'm A Star by Prince. Released in June 1984 with the Purple Rain album, this up tempo, mucho bravado and personal manifesto of a song became my theme song sometime during my sophomore year in college. Not sure exactly what the assignment was but I remember having to write about it and explain my choice.

Very simple. Have you ever listened to the words to that song? It starts with...

Hey. Look me over. Tell me do you like what you see. Hey, I ain't got no money, but honey, I'm rich on personality

And of course the chorus  - Baby I'm a (star). Might not know it now, but baby I are, I'm a (star).

For as long as I can remember, I saw those words as mine. Even now - when I play the song, my hearts perks up and my adrenaline starts flowing overtime. Prince wrote it as an ode to Pop Stardom that was finally setting in for him at his peak when Purple Rain, the album and movie were released. It has always been sort of an anthem to what was coming in my life as well. "Might not know it now, but baby... I'm a star!"

Now add the Strut song and Entrance song to the mix and I'm about stumped. I'm still thinking about the Strut song simply because - it seems more personal, less a song that others will hear, more of a song that plays in your mind as you strut. The Entrance song is a bit more doable at the moment simply because I do public speak. Many folks who speak have an entrance song, especially when they get to a certain level and their talks are held in certain types of venues. There are candidates for my Entrance song, oh are there candidates.

Being a political junkie and super fan of presidential politics - hearing the Entrance song concept reminds me of President Clinton's adoption of Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop Believing" for his campaigns in 1992 and 1996. Every time I hear those songs, I think of him entering an arena.

So I was thinking my entrance song could be one of two U2 songs, one INXS B side and the Whitney Houston cover of Chaka Khan's 70s classic. 

Four songs - four very different meanings, lyrics, three different artists.

Desire - U2
Even Better Than The Real Thing - U2
Shining Star - INXS
I'm Every Woman - Whitney Houston

Still can't decide. The good thing is, I'm not packing stadiums or running for federal office just yet so I am under no pressure to pick now. I'll continue to deliberate and use my "Baby, I'm Star" in all capacities.

What about YOU?

Do you have a theme song?

What would your Strut Song or Entrance Song be?

2013: Fearless and Digging Ditches

As 2012 was drawing to to a close, I was desperately looking for a theme and subsequently a "hashtag" for this new year. Last year, the breakout year for Relationships Matter Now, LLC as a full-time venture made the theme and hashtag easy - #2012Rocks.

Even with the year taking off to fast start with a big lucrative project only to come to a complete stop in April (yes barely 90 days later) trickling in very little income regularly again until June, 2012 still rocked. On those most difficult days, I'd look for the lesson and remind myself at the end of most tweets - that  #2012Rocks. It was a great mantra and it kept me going especially on days when fear would creep in and try to convince me otherwise. I would not change one minute of 2012. So finding the right mantra and fit for 2013 was especially important.

Like most social media creatures - I put out cries for help in the usual places, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and got some great feedback but nothing really stuck.

Then it hit me.

New Year's Eve.

I'm celebrating at a party. Lots of live music. Tons of people. Great food. Pure enjoyment. Pure pleasure. Then I glance at Facebook and a friend asked - "What will be your "theme" or goals for 2013?" This friend posted that question after revealing that Simplicity, Security and Dreams would be their family's theme for 2013.  I loved what they'd written and stopped in my tracks to think about mine.

Very little time passed and it came to me in two part harmony... Fearless and Digging Ditches. Right there in the basement in Joliet, I remembered a fantastic talk that closed the first day of the Willowcreek Association 2011 Global Leadership Summit by Steven Furtick entitled Audacious Faith.  Steven is a hot young preacher and I mean preacher not pastor  - google him to see what I mean - from Charlotte NC with one of the fastest growing ministries in the the country. He gave a fantastic but simple talk that came back to me 1 year and 4 months later there in the basement as I closed out 2012.

Humor me for a moment - It's from 2 Kings 3 - synopsis is this  - Elisha the main prophet at that time guiding the Israelites during a drought had some news. Simply put - the people were moaning that they were gonna die, without water and they were vulnerable to their enemies - more so than usual. But God told Elisha that they would all be OK but he needed the Israelites to prepare for the what he was doing by digging ditches. Hungry, thirsty, whiny nation of people needed to start digging ditches. Immediately.

The best part about the story takes place in verse 17 - when he says - "you will see neither wind nor rain, says the Lord, but this valley will be filled with water. You will have plenty for yourselves, your cattle and your other animals. But this is only a simple thing for the Lord...."

Essentially,  the Lord told Elisha that in order to receive what they wanted, needed - they had to do something simple... prepare. Dig the ditches and not worry how it was going to happen but KNOW that it was going to happen.

As an entrepreneur, it has been a bumpy road and cash flow has been nutty. Fear would often cripple me even for a moment.

Am I gonna make enough money?

Will that project happen?

Are they gonna pay my rate?

Will I have to go find a job to have the life I'm used to?

Those questions could ruin a day on a dime if I let them. Going in to 2013, I have so much more runway on work than I had coming into 2012. I've got a published book to build on. More and more of my contacts are aware that I'm doing marketing and strategic planning "for hire." It is now time for me to keep digging the ditches. No fear for what tomorrow brings,  just fearlessness. Reminding myself, that quitting my job to ramp up my "side business" was not a mistake or a passing hobby. It was and continues to be a calling.

I need to keep doing what I'm doing so He can do what he will do...even if I don't see it yet.

I need to move into 2013 being fearless and digging ditches.

#2013Fearless is the hashtag. Join the conversation this year.

Get Ready For 2013

What does a piano lesson, a question on LinkedIn, a random Facebook forward and a small baptist college in Elgin, IL have in common? They were all vehicles for the brain trust that came together as a "super" tribe for Relationships Matter Now on Saturday Dec 8, 2012.

Super tribe because this group of people spent  1/2 that December Saturday - two of them remotely via Skype - thinking about the future of Relationships Matter Now, LLC, strategic planning for 2013 and beyond.

I share this story for two reasons... one to encourage you to gather like minded people around your 'cause' for the coming year and to remind you to have a plan for that cause.

Whatever it is you want to do, whatever you need to accomplish  - it will not happen with you alone. It must be aided by the relationships in your life and what better time to rally folks than in a reflecting exercise on where you are and where you want to go.

That's what we did that cold Saturday morning. Three in one room and two online. Technology challenged but we stayed to course and hammered out some clear cut things that Relationships Matter Now can do to jump start 2013.

Not only is there a basic framework for the founder to follow but there is built in accountability because 4 other people know what needs to happen as well. There are specific deliverables, dates to regroup and road map to get started immediately.

Relationships Matter Now is ready for 2013! Are you? Is your business? your career? If you cannot say yes to all these things - I'm gonna need you to do the following:

Reflect

Take a moment to reflect on the past year. What was good? What was not good? What could have been better? What could have been worse? Who helped? Who hindered? Grab a journal and write it down. Grab a tribe member and get their feedback. You (like many of us) are too close to it. You need some outside perspective. Reflect alone and reflect in a group or with a partner but please take the time to reflect on 2012. You cannot move forward well without at least reviewing what's happened and why.

Record

As you think ahead - record what you feel, what you want to feel. Record what you envision happening. Write down the people who can help make it happen. Write down a few scenarios on how you can get it to happen. Share these recordings with your tribe -perhaps your "super" tribe - those closest to you and who have the most interest in what you are doing. Don't share this with just anyone - these thoughts, actions, plans are precious and only need to be shared with your inner circle. Recording them is step one and sharing is another step but both are essential to getting you ready for 2013.

So what are you waiting for? Get going!

3 Ways To Heal Your Heart After This Election

A picture of my heart today

No one is more happy for this day than me.

Politically active pretty much since birth, there was a time when election season was one of my favorites times.

Not so anymore.

The illustration to your right is a reflection of what election season does to my heart nowadays.

Social media and social networks has opened the doors to insights about what people in our circles really think and feel about issues facing our nation.

These revelations have really been heavy on my heart. I took a pledge to not engage in name calling or bickering at the start of season and I don't intend to rehash it now. But I will share what I am doing to heal from Decision 2012

Practice Forgiveness

Despite the hurt feelings or shock and surprise at some of the commentary, postings, rantings- I resolve today to forgive people in my life who have engaged in negative tactics related to the election.  I will not be held captive by my hurt over these things. Forgiveness is something that has to happen. And no, I don't need those people to apologize to extend the forgiveness. Forgiveness is not about them, it's about me. It's about giving myself a new start on the issue and moving forward.                                                                                                 

Acknowledge Friends versus Connections

Ted Rubin, a friend and fellow social networker put it best this week in a post:

Facebook has done an amazing thing – they now own the word “friend”. The problem is that they have devalued the word while adding value to their brand.

To be clear — I am not saying that connecting through Facebook is a bad thing; I’m saying that few of us actually take the time to connect in the ways that a real friend would. We are missing the chance to use social media as a tool that facilitates real relationships and instead using “friends” as points in a popularity contest.

Let’s take the word “Friend” back and fill it with value again!

I could not have said it better myself. I am connected to many on Facebook but not all of them are people I'd call friends. Some are colleagues, acquaintances, neighbors etc etc. But not all those people are friends. What those who are closest to me say and post that is negative impact me, but not as harshly because I know them. I know the heart of the person behind the rhetoric and hurtful things they may post and we have established a RELATIONSHIP that can withstand the disagreement. Even if it's hurtful and disparaging, a relationship allows a safety net to preserve the connection and call each other out to keep the friendship strong through the disagreement. That has allowed me to get to a place of forgiveness quicker. Distinguishing who my true friends are and only having to reconcile their opposing views is much less exhausting than attempting to do that with all 900+ people I'm connected to on Facebook.

Live Your Desire

This final one really reflects the how I started the whole Decision 2012 season - declaring not to participate negatively. We need to be intentional in our actions. With the exception of one Rolling Stone article and my weekly The Onion satirical posts - I did not try and "fact" my connection list to death on my views. People who know me, know what/who I support. And while I have every right to post articles that support that view or candidate, I CHOSE to refrain. Why? Because I wanted to see some different behavior this cycle and what better place to start than my own Twitter stream or Facebook timeline? So many people SAY they want to "stay above the fray" or "take the high road" but could not resist the temptation to jump in and set someone else straight. Resist. Don't fall. Be the change you want to see. Behave the way you desire to behave and do it consistently.

It will be a short recovery for me this election season because I have to get my own petitions in for my spring re-election campaign for Village Lake in the Hills Board of Trustees race by December 24.

Good thing we don't buy TV in local elections.

Why A Sensible Person (Like Me) Would Choose A Side Politically

We really only have a few choices politically speaking in the United States

Now that both the Republican National Convention and the Democratic National Convention are over, we are really in the home stretch of the 2012 presidential campaign. It's almost over. Like most of you, I will be glad when it's November 7 and not just because my birthday is coming.

I'll be glad because, as a nation, we will have to "kiss and make up." We will have to put our partisan talk aside and reunite to go about the business of running the country, together. Warts and all.

It occurred to me the past few weeks just how divided and cynical we have become as a nation. It begs the question that many ask and few answer - Do I have to choose a side?

How many Facebook posts have you seen about the lesser of two evils? How many folks have you seen declare they are not voting at all?

Because of this I was compelled to write about the three reasons a sensible person would choose a side politically - even in all the turmoil we see that is politics today.

No Decision Is A Decision

When we don't decide something - a decision is made for us. On our behalf. I remember the first time I heard that. It was in high school when I was stubbornly trying to stonewall something related to the student newspaper where I served as the editor-in-chief. Our advisor said to me - "To not decide is a decision, Denise" Even though I did not grasp its power at the time, that is a very powerful statement and it plays out every day in American local politics. Whether or not you vote, people are elected to office. Whether or not you participate, decisions are being made for you by those same people you did not elect.

No Party or Candidate Will Have "It" For Every Person

Can I get an AMEN for that? Really, have you ever seen a political candidate that encompasses everything you believe in or stand for? Present company included? I am an elected local municipal official and I am certain that there is something about me that would turn someone else off. That is normal and by the way, human. Only robots can be programmed to meet our needs 100% And I sure as heck don't want robots doing the job because then the humans behind the robots are in control. See how that works? We have to make a choice that is most closely aligned with our beliefs and desires for our country moving forward. I have said it before - both sides of the political aisle should spend more time talking about what we all want because THAT is where we can have a conversation - not the "how we get it". We have fiercely different paths to get to where we want to be a country but it seems like the best way to get there is to start with... there. Future post on what "there" looks like next week.

Not Lazy

When you peel back the layers - it all comes down to laziness on the part of most Americans in this  area. We are apathetic about politics as a general rule. We have our allegiances and don't want to investigate anything further. Well, I am not lazy. I will not stand back and let someone else decide for me - not even the party I am most closely affiliated with. If we don't have a viable candidate for an office - I HAVE to consider who's on the ballot and vote. Period. End of Story. Same goes for you. Your parents have an affiliation? Great - good for them - now grow up and read and make your own decision. Your church is telling you who to vote for? Shame on that church - they should just be advising you to pray for the process and get involved without telling you WHO to vote for. Pick up a newspaper. Read a book. Investigate online. Get as many perspectives as you can and THEN make a choice.

It is not simple nor is it something to take lightly. We live in a country that sets the standard for freedom and expression. The best way to express yourself as an American is to get involved in the process of governing our country. Voting is the gateway to that. For that reason I have voted in EVERY election I've been eligible to vote in since I was 18 years old. I've voted red and blue. Always siding with a specific candidate versus a whole party slate. But you can't do that without getting yourself informed.

I've made a choice and I urge each of you to do the same.

There's only 8 weeks to do so.

Rules of Engagement For Decision 2012

I will do better this political season

13 weeks. 91 days. Lots of hours, minutes and seconds until Election Day 2012.

Now that the "official" teams are set, it is really on.

You can feel it in the air. 

But I am taking a pledge this election season and I am hoping many join me...

I pledge to do the following starting now until Election night 2012:

1.  Respect people voting for folks I'm not voting for.
2.  Ignore political propaganda that name calls.
3.  Engage in discussions civilly or not at all.

In today's blasting/broadcasting/posting your every move, these three actions can prove tricky but I will stick to them. Here's a bit more detail on how I will do that.

Respect people voting for folks I'm not voting for

You've all felt it. That moment when Facebook lets you know that someone you like a lot has "liked" a page you'd never look at. It stings. C'mon admit it. What's the first thing that goes through your mind?

"I thought I knew FILL-IN-THE-BLANK"

Well I'm here to say that you do know FILL-IN-THE-BLANK, you just have a different view on how to achieve what we all want in our country. It's not the end of the world or your friendship. In the last three days, I've seen that many times and with each sting - I say out loud, it's OK. Now I know what I will see in the coming weeks on their page and I have the option to keep it there and get irritated everytime I see it or I can hide them for the next 90 days.

I will most definitely not be going on their wall to post my views. And I expect the same courtesy from them.

Ignore political propaganda that name calls

This will be, by far, the hardest of all the actions but I will stick by it. I will read carefully each article and  will be ultra selective on which ones I post or spread.

In my humble opinion, we should do away with the labels "Conservative" or "Liberal." Labels and absolutes are made for inanimate objects, not people. People have opinions that change over time and evolve. Look at most politicians - it's really impossible to be completely one side or the other.

So this season, you won't find any negative political ads on my wall or in my stream. I plan to actively seek information sources that stick to the positives of the candidate that I am supporting versus tearing down the candidate I am not. I will change the channel if an ad comes on and goes immediately dark - we all know what those ads look like. And I am opting out this year.

Engage in discussions civilly or not at all.

Perhaps the easiest of the three for me. I have already stated that I will not "troll" pages/blogs/comment strings of folks I know think differently looking for opportunities to pounce them with my "truths."

I will also not engage people who do that to me or my strings. I will politely ignore any goadings to argue or "defend" my candidate. I understand the issues and am not undecided so there is no need for me to "explore" or feel the urge to "educate" others.

When asked, I may choose explain my position without name calling or anger. I will use many smiley faces in text over the next few months. I will also look for opportunities have face-to-face discussions versus cyber ones. It is easier to exercise self control when a person in the flesh is standing in front of you versus a high resolution screen. Further, I will just do the polite thing and not talk politics at all. If I hear a conversation brewing near me that is going in a direction I don't want to go, I'll simply walk the other way and get another snack, remembering again that I don't HAVE to share my views.

That's what I'm planning to do the next few months -

Who's with me?

Make Your Move!

At what point do you ACTUALLY make a decision and change whatever it is that's bringing ya down?

Over the past 10 days, I've encountered many folks in my path who are fed up. Done. OVER IT.

While the graphic above way oversimplifies it - you do know that you are in the driver's seat of your..

career

path in life

your relationships

Every minute of every day of every week, I am focused on where I want to be. Not where I AM but where I want to BE

as a wife

as a mom

as a marketer

as a public servant

Asking myself often...

What will it take to get there?

Who will join me on the journey?

How will I know when I've made it?

Make no mistake, I appreciate where I am and where I've been but like I posted on a Facebook post the other night

"Well if I look at where I am and stop... while very thankful for where I'm at- I'd just as soon go home to be with God now. I need to the vision for where I want to be to keep me getting up each day."

The decision is made for me on all the big stuff. What about you? What are you doing to MAKE YOUR MOVE  towards what you desire for your life?

3 C's This Non-Runner Ran Into Training For A 5K

My new lucky number!

You'd have to be the most non-observant person in my tribe to NOT know that I trained for and ran my first 5K this past Friday, Sept 2, 2011.  It all started after my rock-star daughter, Emma ran her first 5K  in June as a culmination of her Girls On The Run program. We casually talked about me running a specific race with her on Labor Day weekend. Casual talk began to include folks outside our family and before you know it - I was purchasing the Couch-To-5K app and starting to train just after July 4.

Always athletic and always competitive, I started the journey and had so many ups and downs:

Yeouch! My @$$ and every thing else just ACHES (Day One)
Yay! I ran for 6 minutes straight. (Week 4)
OMG - I'm never gonna be able to run for 20 minutes straight! (Week 6)
Yay! I ran for 7 songs (or approximately 28 min)  straight! (Week 8)

The day arrived and it was 98 degrees with a heat index that felt like 110, in Chicago. In September. NICE. By race time it had cooled to 89 degrees with 99% humidity. Better.

I did it! Finished the race in 40:31 and Whitney Houston serenaded me "I'm Every Woman" as I crossed the finish line. Can't get any better than that. Oh, but it did.  In my haze in the moments after the race, this non-runner (I know, even days later and planning to run another 5K - it still feels like someone else's sport - I'll let you know if that changes) reflected on three Cs I encountered on this journey.

Culture 

Running has this underground network of supportive people who encourage you and want to see you run. At every turn during the training I was blessed with "wise runner counsel" from people all over the planet. No lie. I love that people you just meet (JASON SALAS) who you casually mention you're running to give you sage, actionable advice that changes your path - the very next run. It was also awesome to see friends and connections all over the United States - like my high school friend who now lives in Virginia chime in with supportive nuggets when he noticed I completed a Couch-to-5K training.  Thanks Brent. The values that runners have unite them and enable them to help others trying to run. I love that.

Community

Throughout my life, at any given time - I can be "caught" building community around a cause or candidate. This 5K training had to be one of the biggest community building events of my life. All the people who participated and encouraged me really made all the difference. From my Twitter friend in the UK who gave me some invaluable support in the end, to my friend in Belgium who promised to be with me in spirit as I ran,  to all my friends across North America who tweeted/called/emailed their love - I know there is no way I'd have completed this race without this tremendous community. And thanks to Twitter and Facebook - we were all in sync as this unfolded.

Cheering

This one was the best. It was so very cool to see people sitting all along the route, clapping, smiling and cheering us on. People leaned over their porches kicking back with a beer and friends - waiting to clap and cheer as we ran by. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I've played sports all my life - track/field and tennis in high school and college, soccer as an adult until I became a mom and I never experience anything like this.  I was so touched, so moved, so MOTIVATED not to quit by all the cheering along the way. No lie. Every time I got a tired or wanted to stop running and walk - I'd look up and see a familiar face cheering me on  - literally saying "Denise, good going. You can make it. You can do it." The finish delivered the best moment when my daughter, son and a good friend saw me and ran over to push me over the finish line. I barely heard the crowd cheering and clapping but I saw it.

Wow.

Now if we could just package these three and bring them to work with us every day.

Here We Go Again: Social Networks Should Add to Human Interactions - Not Takeaway

Harris Interactive this week released findings that state and I quote, “ Thanks to Social Networks, Americans feel more connected to people. But a majority say that they have less face-to-face contact recently as well.”

Really? Is anyone surprised by this?

What burns me about this poll is the fact that there are no probing, deeper questions asked about the state of people's relationships. Read the full story here

Whoopdee you feel closer to people you don't see because you know what's going on in their lives. Further, you have less face-to-face contact with people because of all the time you spend online on social networks. Does this seem jacked up to anybody else but me?

I've said it before and I'll say it again–people should not let social networks replace intentional  interactions with people. Facebook, Twitter etc etc - can enhance your relationships but in no way should serve as the only contact you have with people close to you.

We all have many levels of relationship with friends/family/colleagues. Facebook can facilitate maintaining long distance relationships but should not replace all contact with those distant friends/relatives/colleagues. For me, it serves as reminder to intentionally reach out and when I get no response repeatedly - those folks should not be surprised that I end our "friendship" on Facebook. I'd rather not know anything and have no contact than  pseudo "know everything" and have no real interactions.

Twitter, on the other hand, has been a great facilitator of information for me, my business and my network. Surprisingly, I've also had some quality exchanges and made some great connections.

That stated - I love these social networks because I am social at heart. They just amplify my normal way of being. I am saddened yet encouraged to read the Harris piece because it validates Relationships Matter Now, LLC mission. People - now more than ever - need assistance building and maintaining healthy relationships.

Let's be wise in how we use social networks. Let's commit to using them to enrich our lives with others vs replace our lives with others.

3 Ways Facebook Can Help Your Relationships

This summer marks the 3rd anniversary of my joining Facebook. It was a reluctant addition to my life that summer as I'd been nagged about it by many friends, for many months.

Three years and over 600 "friends" later - I am so glad I joined.

There are folks represented from every era of my life. Grade School. Jr. High. High School. Both Universities I attended and every job I've ever work is accounted in the way of the many people who have touched my life over the years.

Recently - I replied to a friend who was horrified that someone she never spoke to in real life in her past wanted to connect with her on the social networking tool. I stand by what I wrote - "people you did not talk to in real life really have no place in your social network online". For me that is really cut and dry. However while thinking about my comment - I started thinking of distant, strained or damaged relationships and how much Facebook has been a big help to me personally.

While I am certain you can find drama that Facebook has added to some people's lives - I'd like to point out the three ways Facebook has helped me with relationships in my life.

1. Provides Positive Contact with A Huge (and often times, Distant) Extended Family
Seriously - I have over 75 first, second and third cousins in my family. It has always been quite a distant family as well - distant in proximity as well as emotionally. Facebook has provided a way to be in contact with some of my favorite cousins that I just could not nail down personally over the years. It has been a meeting place of sorts to connect and keep in touch on safe terms. Would I enjoy phone calls and visits more? Yeah - I would but perhaps they don't and that is why we can keep contact in a way that is comfortable for all. I would even go so far as to say - I am in more contact with many more family members and I have Facebook to thank for that opportunity

2. Provides a Safe Vehicle for Reconciliation When There Has Been Hurt
I am proud to say that most often - I don't live in conflict with people. Over my adult life - I can count on one hand the number of damaging disagreements I've had with others and in all cases except one - there has been full reconciliation. Because of Facebook - I am certain there is a chance for reconciliation with that one exception in my life. You see - when this person joined (even later than me) I watched as they connected one-by-one with our common friends. I knew this person would NEVER connect with me so I reached out to them. Why? Because I've forgiven the hurt years before and the discomfort was thick in our virtual network so I made the move. I've reached out to this person as I had before the "break up" on their birthday - and on the anniversary of the tragic loss in their life because I love this person. This year, there was even talk of a face-to-face reunion. Not sure we're ready for that but I am certain we would not be where we are today without Facebook

3. Helps Keeps Your Close Friends Close
As a working mom - this has been the most valuable for me. I specifically think of how limited my opportunities are to "chat" with my girls. All our real life conversations are really focused on making plans to catch up in person which is few and far between. So how do you get to know a new friend and share in their day-to-day life? Or how do you keep up on the key milestones with an old friend? Facebook! I am specifically thinking of a recent and pretty close new friend who lives less than 2 miles away yet we are not able to see one another much in the off-season of when our kids cheer together. Well- I'd love to hear all about what she's doing in her tennis league or how her 40th birthday trip to Mexico went but it is JUST NOT POSSIBLE. So we use Facebook to catch up on most of those things and use our time together to share and laugh and talk about other stuff. Could I have done that without Facebook? Sure because she is close by but it would have taken longer. And I don't use it to keep up exclusively with my friends who live far - if we talked before Facebook - we talk now. Facebook is just a supplement to keep me up on the niceties of how the family is doing. Of course I care but I'd rather use our talk time to catch up on each other - not our kids.

5 Things I Do To Prevent Social Media Overload

There are days that I am 100% overwhelmed by all the information flowing through my life.

The Twitter feed

The inbox of no less than 3 email accounts

The 30 second news cycle

The Facebook Newsfeed

The LinkedIn updates

How do I keep it all together?  I've made a decision to do 5 Things To Prevent Social Media Overload.

1.   Lunch with people no less than two times a week.

No matter how busy - I make and keep two lunch dates a week. Some business, some pleasure but always away from my desk and with face-to-face contact.

2.   Call instead of email for every 3 interactions with someone.

I like to hear people's voices, even if it's just the machine. All my personal relationships love this. At work, this is especially effective when the email string between us gets unbearable (more than 2 go rounds). I've even noticed a better response from folks when we've actually "talked" before there is a need or request.

3.   Employ a Social Media Embargo time each night

During the hours of 6:00 - 8:00 pm CST, I check out completely and hang with my family. No checking. No iPhone peeking -nothing. It has been a few months and it is so needed. I use HootSuite to make scheduled contact if I need it. Some nights, I don't even check back in.

4.   Schedule GNOs for my mommy posse. Or just date nights with one friend

Sometimes you just need to hang with your girls in person - no catching up on the phone or fake keeping up on Facebook.  It's good to hear the updates over a pink cotton candy martini and 1/2 price appetizers and to belly laugh at life's happenings together.

5.   Read paper magazines

Perhaps this will go the way of the cassette tape with all the iPad, Kindle and other electronic readers; but until it does- I subscribe to O Magazine, INC, Fast Company, Essence and Fortune and love to see them in my mailbox each month.

I continue to pound on the point of Social Media - which in my humble opinion is social (of or relating to human society; the interaction of the individual with the group) and focused on one-to-one relationships. We must take steps to keeping the SOCIAL in our lives.

What Do You Do?

Pepsi Refresh Everything Project - TAKE TWO!

Later this week - precisely Saturday May 1 - I will turn up the noise again on my Pepsi Refresh Everything Project - Relationships Matter Now.

In case you haven't been with me - here's the deal: I have an idea to revolutionize relationships on our planet. Pepsi is giving away money for good ideas. I got my idea into consideration in the first month February and I did decent in voting reaching the top 30. In March - I started the month super strong and remained in funding contention (only top ten ideas are funded in my category) from March 1 - until the fateful day March 19 when I fell to 11 and finished in 15 place.

We took April to regroup and here two updates that will make this campaign different:

1. PARTNERSHIP

I have partnered with a well known organization (can't say who but believe me it's big - it is an established non-profit organization in over 300 communities servicing more than 2 million members at 1,778 sites in the US alone) to send out weekly reminders to their network to garner votes for my project.

2. MEDIA

In addition to my daily social media efforts on Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn, I will be the guest on two different blog radio programs with a combined reach of over 25,000 followers of these two personalities. First on Wed May 12 and then again on Wed May 19 - I'll tweet/FB on those times so you can listen or point you to the podcasts afterwards. I am looking for other opportunities to get the word out in the regular media. Toying around with two news personalities here in Chicago that I have connections to.. will update on that soon.

The rest is up to you - the good old fashioned -word-of-mouth spreading of the the project and link. I am so appreciative of the past efforts and am counting on your diligence to push me to get the funding in May.

Here is the link - long way www.refresheverything.com/relationshipsmatternow or the shortened link http://pep.si/ap8Zao when you tweet.

If you are not following me on twitter - please go and do it now - find me under DeniseWBarreto - that way you can hear updates and get reminders to vote frequently.

Finally - I am open to any ideas you may have to help get votes to get the funding. Leave me a note here or reach out on one of the other channels of communication.

Thanks for believing in me and my idea.

Authentic Faithfulness

This morning I had an epiphany.

Almost everyday in the month of February, my daily bible readings mostly from Psalms referenced God's faithfulness. Because February was a particularly challenging month - I was reading that to be an affirmation of God's faithfulness to me. Without question, that is 100% true - God has been tremendously faithful to me especially last month.

March is 13 days old and has been a mixed bag with many references to faithfulness in my daily studies. Today, once again I had a reference to faithfulness in John 16:33 and I don't want to freak anyone out but this is the truth:

Minutes after reading the verse when I was doing my daily voting for my Pepsi Refresh Project and posting to ask my Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter crew to vote - I started reading some of the comments from my friends who are cheering me on. Everyday that I post the link on my Facebook account or Tweet to my Twitter Tweeps - I am just humbled by the RTs (re-tweets) and the comments from the FAITHFUL friends who are voting everyday and keeping me in the running for this grant.

I would swear that God literally spoke to me and said "Denise - you know of my faithfulness to you - you've experienced it many times. What I am showing you now is the faithfulness of others."

Guys, the faithfulness I am currently experiencing from my friends and friends of friends -the daily voters, commenters and re-tweeting buddies is a foreshadowing of what the relational wellness movement is going to do for our world.

Quite honestly, that's part of what's missing anymore in relationships - faithfulness to each other, day-in and day-out. I am experiencing a taste of this now on the road securing my grant.

Thank you friends, friends of friends and strangers for your authentic faithfulness to me.

38 and counting.....the blessings

There I said it.

I'd never been one to really care about my age and have kidded with never turning 30 by "anniversarying" my 29th birthday for the last 9 years.

Yesterday, on my 38th birthday, I realized that 38 years of existence comes with it's observations:

It's another year, another year without her.

Every year, I think about my mom Betty Jean (Jackson) Wilmer who left this earth 33 years ago this past August. Each year the impact seems greater, the desire to share my happenings with the woman in my mind who is forever 24 years old. Although she's been gone longer than she was here, her impact is still being felt through me. She herself would be 58 next month, were she here. In our Internet age, I think that maybe there are people who might be looking for her so I have made a commitment this next year to blog about her and post a few of the photos I have so that she, too can be captured immortally online and "found" by folks looking for her.

People actually listen when you announce your birthday for the weeks leading up to it.

Before this year - I'd announce that folks had 30 shopping days until my birthday in mid-October. I'd tease and prod and joke that MY BIRTHDAY was coming and you should all care. I'd be lucky to get a few wishes at work or a few calls from the network. This year - I'd swear everyone I know wished me a happy birthday. First thing in the morning, at Evan's school - the director wished me happy birthday and every person I came in contact with the rest of the day wished me a happy birthday as well.

You are truly touched by every wish granted.

This year - with the help of Facebook events - lots and lots of people wished me a happy birthday on my page yesterday and I thanked each and every one personally. No small feat for someone who boasts friends from high school, college, and every single job I've had - those who know my 1st decade out of college gypsy-like career moves knows that is no small number. Funny, because there were times yesterday when I was tempted to post a blanket thanks but then I thought about the time each person took to remember and stop by and I couldn't do it. I was compelled to answer every wish, individually.

On the rare but many calls received, you actually preview happenings as much as you reminisce

I think the more you approach the middle age time of your life - you are so much more reflective and projective all at the same time. Every conversation centered around what I expect to happen over the next year, God willing and past celebrations we may have had together. In the past - it was about the NOW. What are we doing? Where are we going? In a sense it is the same, but very different.

Our foursome is weaved tightly and demonstrates our love to one another best in celebration of birthdays

My husband, kids and I have patented "rock star" birthday celebrations. We love on one another, treat each other and just gush gush for the whole month of our birthdays. Even this morning, my son came in and said, "Mommy, we are still celebrating your birthday today, even though it was yesterday." You see he and my daughter have their birthdays celebrated the whole months of May and August and they have translated that selflessly into April for my husband and November for me. Yes - because I am a birthday freak (ask my dad, he started it years ago, perhaps to overcompensate the sadness of other holidays with the loss of my mom so early) and it rubbed off but this is genuinely a tradition that I am so glad we've built in our world. Sort of my dad's celebrations magnified by four!