2013: Fearless and Digging Ditches

As 2012 was drawing to to a close, I was desperately looking for a theme and subsequently a "hashtag" for this new year. Last year, the breakout year for Relationships Matter Now, LLC as a full-time venture made the theme and hashtag easy - #2012Rocks.

Even with the year taking off to fast start with a big lucrative project only to come to a complete stop in April (yes barely 90 days later) trickling in very little income regularly again until June, 2012 still rocked. On those most difficult days, I'd look for the lesson and remind myself at the end of most tweets - that  #2012Rocks. It was a great mantra and it kept me going especially on days when fear would creep in and try to convince me otherwise. I would not change one minute of 2012. So finding the right mantra and fit for 2013 was especially important.

Like most social media creatures - I put out cries for help in the usual places, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and got some great feedback but nothing really stuck.

Then it hit me.

New Year's Eve.

I'm celebrating at a party. Lots of live music. Tons of people. Great food. Pure enjoyment. Pure pleasure. Then I glance at Facebook and a friend asked - "What will be your "theme" or goals for 2013?" This friend posted that question after revealing that Simplicity, Security and Dreams would be their family's theme for 2013.  I loved what they'd written and stopped in my tracks to think about mine.

Very little time passed and it came to me in two part harmony... Fearless and Digging Ditches. Right there in the basement in Joliet, I remembered a fantastic talk that closed the first day of the Willowcreek Association 2011 Global Leadership Summit by Steven Furtick entitled Audacious Faith.  Steven is a hot young preacher and I mean preacher not pastor  - google him to see what I mean - from Charlotte NC with one of the fastest growing ministries in the the country. He gave a fantastic but simple talk that came back to me 1 year and 4 months later there in the basement as I closed out 2012.

Humor me for a moment - It's from 2 Kings 3 - synopsis is this  - Elisha the main prophet at that time guiding the Israelites during a drought had some news. Simply put - the people were moaning that they were gonna die, without water and they were vulnerable to their enemies - more so than usual. But God told Elisha that they would all be OK but he needed the Israelites to prepare for the what he was doing by digging ditches. Hungry, thirsty, whiny nation of people needed to start digging ditches. Immediately.

The best part about the story takes place in verse 17 - when he says - "you will see neither wind nor rain, says the Lord, but this valley will be filled with water. You will have plenty for yourselves, your cattle and your other animals. But this is only a simple thing for the Lord...."

Essentially,  the Lord told Elisha that in order to receive what they wanted, needed - they had to do something simple... prepare. Dig the ditches and not worry how it was going to happen but KNOW that it was going to happen.

As an entrepreneur, it has been a bumpy road and cash flow has been nutty. Fear would often cripple me even for a moment.

Am I gonna make enough money?

Will that project happen?

Are they gonna pay my rate?

Will I have to go find a job to have the life I'm used to?

Those questions could ruin a day on a dime if I let them. Going in to 2013, I have so much more runway on work than I had coming into 2012. I've got a published book to build on. More and more of my contacts are aware that I'm doing marketing and strategic planning "for hire." It is now time for me to keep digging the ditches. No fear for what tomorrow brings,  just fearlessness. Reminding myself, that quitting my job to ramp up my "side business" was not a mistake or a passing hobby. It was and continues to be a calling.

I need to keep doing what I'm doing so He can do what he will do...even if I don't see it yet.

I need to move into 2013 being fearless and digging ditches.

#2013Fearless is the hashtag. Join the conversation this year.

3 Easy Ways To Protect Your Fun This Holiday Season

Over the next few weeks, most of us will be faced with the prospect of spending more time than normal with our close and/or extended loved ones.  That thought can bring both joy and terror to the hearts of many.

We all know that the holidays adds pressure that is not there at other times of the year. I want to encourage you to protect your fun this holiday season. Here are three practical things you can do:

Breathe Deeply. Often.

In our rush, rush, hurry hurry society, it is easy to just quickly move from place-to-place, person-to-person without ever really truly experiencing a moment.  Breathing deeply, often forces you to do that. When we take deep breathes, we are confined to the moment we are in. It forgets what is behind and holds off what lies ahead. A deep exaggerated inhale and intentionally pushed out exhale holds the participant in the time it takes to do it. It clears the mind and empties the heart, even if just for a few seconds. You cannot do anything else when you do it. 

Smile.

Genuinely open your heart and widen your mouth as much as you possibly can over the next few weeks. Especially try this at that trying dinner/cocktail/visit you know you will be faced with. Smiling eases the muscles in your face and takes less energy than a frown. Use a smile in response to the dig you may get from the family member who takes sarcastic digs at everyone. Smile to yourself as you realize you missed a gathering or forgot to buy a gift you'd planned on getting.  Smile knowing that your regular routine - good or bad is just a few days away. Smile knowing your have an opportunity to make the new year that is fast approaching, a new beginning.

Use Fewer Words.

Speak less words in your interactions this holiday season.  Precise communication really helps all situations. Choosing wisely what to say and what not to say can make the difference in every relationship you have this holiday season. This is especially tough but important for both those close relations and the distant ones. In our close relations, we feel comfortable saying "all we have to say" while in our distant relations, we often feel the need to "fill them in" because of the distance. I say use fewer words in all settings and see how it goes. You may hear more than you normally do. You will certainly have less pressure to say the right thing if you go this route.

Picking one or more of these tips will surely protect your fun this holiday season.  I employed them all last year and will be doing it again this year.

Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Happy Hannukah. and a Happy and Prosperous 2013!

3 C's This Non-Runner Ran Into Training For A 5K

My new lucky number!

You'd have to be the most non-observant person in my tribe to NOT know that I trained for and ran my first 5K this past Friday, Sept 2, 2011.  It all started after my rock-star daughter, Emma ran her first 5K  in June as a culmination of her Girls On The Run program. We casually talked about me running a specific race with her on Labor Day weekend. Casual talk began to include folks outside our family and before you know it - I was purchasing the Couch-To-5K app and starting to train just after July 4.

Always athletic and always competitive, I started the journey and had so many ups and downs:

Yeouch! My @$$ and every thing else just ACHES (Day One)
Yay! I ran for 6 minutes straight. (Week 4)
OMG - I'm never gonna be able to run for 20 minutes straight! (Week 6)
Yay! I ran for 7 songs (or approximately 28 min)  straight! (Week 8)

The day arrived and it was 98 degrees with a heat index that felt like 110, in Chicago. In September. NICE. By race time it had cooled to 89 degrees with 99% humidity. Better.

I did it! Finished the race in 40:31 and Whitney Houston serenaded me "I'm Every Woman" as I crossed the finish line. Can't get any better than that. Oh, but it did.  In my haze in the moments after the race, this non-runner (I know, even days later and planning to run another 5K - it still feels like someone else's sport - I'll let you know if that changes) reflected on three Cs I encountered on this journey.

Culture 

Running has this underground network of supportive people who encourage you and want to see you run. At every turn during the training I was blessed with "wise runner counsel" from people all over the planet. No lie. I love that people you just meet (JASON SALAS) who you casually mention you're running to give you sage, actionable advice that changes your path - the very next run. It was also awesome to see friends and connections all over the United States - like my high school friend who now lives in Virginia chime in with supportive nuggets when he noticed I completed a Couch-to-5K training.  Thanks Brent. The values that runners have unite them and enable them to help others trying to run. I love that.

Community

Throughout my life, at any given time - I can be "caught" building community around a cause or candidate. This 5K training had to be one of the biggest community building events of my life. All the people who participated and encouraged me really made all the difference. From my Twitter friend in the UK who gave me some invaluable support in the end, to my friend in Belgium who promised to be with me in spirit as I ran,  to all my friends across North America who tweeted/called/emailed their love - I know there is no way I'd have completed this race without this tremendous community. And thanks to Twitter and Facebook - we were all in sync as this unfolded.

Cheering

This one was the best. It was so very cool to see people sitting all along the route, clapping, smiling and cheering us on. People leaned over their porches kicking back with a beer and friends - waiting to clap and cheer as we ran by. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I've played sports all my life - track/field and tennis in high school and college, soccer as an adult until I became a mom and I never experience anything like this.  I was so touched, so moved, so MOTIVATED not to quit by all the cheering along the way. No lie. Every time I got a tired or wanted to stop running and walk - I'd look up and see a familiar face cheering me on  - literally saying "Denise, good going. You can make it. You can do it." The finish delivered the best moment when my daughter, son and a good friend saw me and ran over to push me over the finish line. I barely heard the crowd cheering and clapping but I saw it.

Wow.

Now if we could just package these three and bring them to work with us every day.

Rivalries, Basketball and the Black Family: Why Grant Hill's Commentary Was About MUCH More Than Defending His Alma Mater

Twitter is LIT Up with talk about The Fab Four Documentary and Former Duke Star Grant Hill's reply posted in the New York Times today.

University of Michigan.

Race.

Basketball.

Duke University.

Rivalries.

The State of the Black Family.

The Black Family?  - How in the world did I get that from the reading that article?

While the gist of the article is Grant Hill's reply to Jalen Rose's accusations about Duke only recruiting "Uncle Toms" or blacks from two-parent, middle income families. There are lots of basketball related chatter and but this is the quote that jumps out at me...

"To hint that those who grew up in a household with a mother and father are somehow less black than those who did not is beyond ridiculous. "

Wow. Love it. Couldn't wait to tweet the article.

Then I jumped on Twitter to see what was being said and that's when I got mad.

Attack after attack on Grant Hill for responding. Further - there were side conversations about Duke's recruiting record but universally many think Grant missed the point of the Rose's commentary.

NEWSFLASH - He did not.

He, like me and many others, are sick and tired of the majority dominating the conversation on what's "black" as it relates to family and relationships. We are tired of people minimizing the importance of family in our community and Grant not standing up for it would have been a miss. It is not about Grant Hill or his family.

It's about stopping this madness of our own people making people feel less apart of black community because of what their particular black experience is. "Uncle Tom" is the way Rose described the types black players that Duke recruited particularly Grant Hill - you know "safe black people." Really?

Why can't we applaud strong black families when we have the opportunity? Why can't we praise them for raising upstanding citizens and passing on that legacy to their kids? Yeah passing it on - Grant Hill is married with children for the last 15+ years to R&B singer Tamia. See what can happen when we start a cycle of healthy relationships in family line?

We get plenty of reminders of the breakdown of our families. Daily. Moment by moment even. How in the world can the family that Grant Hill or other black Duke players had possibly be turned into a negative thing?

Even in the context of the comments - 20 years ago, college rivals, jealousy, etc. etc.  -it is upsetting to me that more was not done to denounce this way of thinking to our kids.

To Jalen Rose's credit - he sent Grant an apology in advance of he documentary's release and has since stated that his comments were fueled by jealousy of Grant's family. Kudos to Jalen for being man enough to say it. But now I'd love for him to use this platform to stand up for the black family.

I'm not asking Jalen to join me in my Relationship Revolution.

But I'd love for Jalen to state that this line of thinking, regardless of when it happens,  is destructive to our community,  our potential and people personally. I'd love for Jalen to say that it is OK to be angry and sad when you don't have the family you want but it is never OK to project that on someone who does.

I'd love for him to give Grant kudos for continuing the legacy his parents gave him by building a healthy, stable family for his kids. It is not guaranteed that everyone in his family will live "happily ever after"but it certainly lays a foundation. Not just for them but for all in their immediate community. I remember vividly that "one" married black couple in my church that exemplified ideal family to me. Their marriage is still strong and they recently celebrated 40 years together. They are still impacting people all these years later. I'm celebrating 10 years with my husband next month.

Don't underestimate the power of a strong black family in a community.

Let's raise our voices and show the world there are many family and relationship dynamics in our community and we are proud of all of them - especially those who can build healthy strong two-parent homes.

Here We Go Again: Social Networks Should Add to Human Interactions - Not Takeaway

Harris Interactive this week released findings that state and I quote, “ Thanks to Social Networks, Americans feel more connected to people. But a majority say that they have less face-to-face contact recently as well.”

Really? Is anyone surprised by this?

What burns me about this poll is the fact that there are no probing, deeper questions asked about the state of people's relationships. Read the full story here

Whoopdee you feel closer to people you don't see because you know what's going on in their lives. Further, you have less face-to-face contact with people because of all the time you spend online on social networks. Does this seem jacked up to anybody else but me?

I've said it before and I'll say it again–people should not let social networks replace intentional  interactions with people. Facebook, Twitter etc etc - can enhance your relationships but in no way should serve as the only contact you have with people close to you.

We all have many levels of relationship with friends/family/colleagues. Facebook can facilitate maintaining long distance relationships but should not replace all contact with those distant friends/relatives/colleagues. For me, it serves as reminder to intentionally reach out and when I get no response repeatedly - those folks should not be surprised that I end our "friendship" on Facebook. I'd rather not know anything and have no contact than  pseudo "know everything" and have no real interactions.

Twitter, on the other hand, has been a great facilitator of information for me, my business and my network. Surprisingly, I've also had some quality exchanges and made some great connections.

That stated - I love these social networks because I am social at heart. They just amplify my normal way of being. I am saddened yet encouraged to read the Harris piece because it validates Relationships Matter Now, LLC mission. People - now more than ever - need assistance building and maintaining healthy relationships.

Let's be wise in how we use social networks. Let's commit to using them to enrich our lives with others vs replace our lives with others.

5 Things I Do To Prevent Social Media Overload

There are days that I am 100% overwhelmed by all the information flowing through my life.

The Twitter feed

The inbox of no less than 3 email accounts

The 30 second news cycle

The Facebook Newsfeed

The LinkedIn updates

How do I keep it all together?  I've made a decision to do 5 Things To Prevent Social Media Overload.

1.   Lunch with people no less than two times a week.

No matter how busy - I make and keep two lunch dates a week. Some business, some pleasure but always away from my desk and with face-to-face contact.

2.   Call instead of email for every 3 interactions with someone.

I like to hear people's voices, even if it's just the machine. All my personal relationships love this. At work, this is especially effective when the email string between us gets unbearable (more than 2 go rounds). I've even noticed a better response from folks when we've actually "talked" before there is a need or request.

3.   Employ a Social Media Embargo time each night

During the hours of 6:00 - 8:00 pm CST, I check out completely and hang with my family. No checking. No iPhone peeking -nothing. It has been a few months and it is so needed. I use HootSuite to make scheduled contact if I need it. Some nights, I don't even check back in.

4.   Schedule GNOs for my mommy posse. Or just date nights with one friend

Sometimes you just need to hang with your girls in person - no catching up on the phone or fake keeping up on Facebook.  It's good to hear the updates over a pink cotton candy martini and 1/2 price appetizers and to belly laugh at life's happenings together.

5.   Read paper magazines

Perhaps this will go the way of the cassette tape with all the iPad, Kindle and other electronic readers; but until it does- I subscribe to O Magazine, INC, Fast Company, Essence and Fortune and love to see them in my mailbox each month.

I continue to pound on the point of Social Media - which in my humble opinion is social (of or relating to human society; the interaction of the individual with the group) and focused on one-to-one relationships. We must take steps to keeping the SOCIAL in our lives.

What Do You Do?

Pepsi Refresh Everything Project - TAKE TWO!

Later this week - precisely Saturday May 1 - I will turn up the noise again on my Pepsi Refresh Everything Project - Relationships Matter Now.

In case you haven't been with me - here's the deal: I have an idea to revolutionize relationships on our planet. Pepsi is giving away money for good ideas. I got my idea into consideration in the first month February and I did decent in voting reaching the top 30. In March - I started the month super strong and remained in funding contention (only top ten ideas are funded in my category) from March 1 - until the fateful day March 19 when I fell to 11 and finished in 15 place.

We took April to regroup and here two updates that will make this campaign different:

1. PARTNERSHIP

I have partnered with a well known organization (can't say who but believe me it's big - it is an established non-profit organization in over 300 communities servicing more than 2 million members at 1,778 sites in the US alone) to send out weekly reminders to their network to garner votes for my project.

2. MEDIA

In addition to my daily social media efforts on Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn, I will be the guest on two different blog radio programs with a combined reach of over 25,000 followers of these two personalities. First on Wed May 12 and then again on Wed May 19 - I'll tweet/FB on those times so you can listen or point you to the podcasts afterwards. I am looking for other opportunities to get the word out in the regular media. Toying around with two news personalities here in Chicago that I have connections to.. will update on that soon.

The rest is up to you - the good old fashioned -word-of-mouth spreading of the the project and link. I am so appreciative of the past efforts and am counting on your diligence to push me to get the funding in May.

Here is the link - long way www.refresheverything.com/relationshipsmatternow or the shortened link http://pep.si/ap8Zao when you tweet.

If you are not following me on twitter - please go and do it now - find me under DeniseWBarreto - that way you can hear updates and get reminders to vote frequently.

Finally - I am open to any ideas you may have to help get votes to get the funding. Leave me a note here or reach out on one of the other channels of communication.

Thanks for believing in me and my idea.

Authentic Faithfulness

This morning I had an epiphany.

Almost everyday in the month of February, my daily bible readings mostly from Psalms referenced God's faithfulness. Because February was a particularly challenging month - I was reading that to be an affirmation of God's faithfulness to me. Without question, that is 100% true - God has been tremendously faithful to me especially last month.

March is 13 days old and has been a mixed bag with many references to faithfulness in my daily studies. Today, once again I had a reference to faithfulness in John 16:33 and I don't want to freak anyone out but this is the truth:

Minutes after reading the verse when I was doing my daily voting for my Pepsi Refresh Project and posting to ask my Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter crew to vote - I started reading some of the comments from my friends who are cheering me on. Everyday that I post the link on my Facebook account or Tweet to my Twitter Tweeps - I am just humbled by the RTs (re-tweets) and the comments from the FAITHFUL friends who are voting everyday and keeping me in the running for this grant.

I would swear that God literally spoke to me and said "Denise - you know of my faithfulness to you - you've experienced it many times. What I am showing you now is the faithfulness of others."

Guys, the faithfulness I am currently experiencing from my friends and friends of friends -the daily voters, commenters and re-tweeting buddies is a foreshadowing of what the relational wellness movement is going to do for our world.

Quite honestly, that's part of what's missing anymore in relationships - faithfulness to each other, day-in and day-out. I am experiencing a taste of this now on the road securing my grant.

Thank you friends, friends of friends and strangers for your authentic faithfulness to me.

Tweetastic!

Earlier this week, after pretty much avoiding it like the plague, I joined Twitter for a work project.

Tweetastic - what the heck had I been thinking!!

My rationale was simple... I don't need another media.

I don't need another way to be "connected" to my peeps.

What could I possibly say or tweet all day long?

I was wrong and I'm not afraid to tweet it!

In five short days - Twitter has connected me with Simplicity Inc. who will surely be instrumental in guiding me on my first business adventure.

I have also connected to award-winning authors, mommy bloggers who rock and my beloved Lenny Kravitz.

More importantly than the connections is the sheer Twitter 140 character function that has forced me to be more succinct. To the point. Clear in my communications.

That is the biggest blessing and has had the MOST EXCELLENT timing in my current journey.

While I am still navigating how to manage my Twitter time, it has been a gem in my life so far.

Tweetastic!