Restoring Fatih When What You See Sucks

A new day sun means you have a chance to restore your faith

 

The last 4 weeks have challenged every positive mass I have in my body.

First, Prince died.

Then a few weeks later, my family moved. And while it was a planned and prepared for quick move across town, it about killed me both physically and emotionally. The grief it emoted about my pending divorce was debilitating.

Finally, I discovered this week that a super precious piece of jewelry is gone. Don't even remember the last time I saw it before the move. It was significant for many reasons among them, it was meaningful by who purchased it for me and the thoughtfully constructed additives each year since I got it for my birthday in 2014. 

I was at my end in puddle of tears, rage, anger, sadness and grief this week.

But I got up the next day and had to face my life all over again and here's what I did to make that happen:

Find Something Good

Gratitude is the cure for everything. In the midst of my worst day this week that really culminated a crappy string of days and weeks, I found something to be grateful for. It was small. But it was significant. It was a reminder that our lives are compiled of moments and while I am in the midst of a string of really crappy moments - I can find some good. You can, too. You must seek it. Look diligently for the one positive thing that occurs in the midst of turmoil. You can build from that.

Focus on Your Purpose

I have a purpose on earth. And I am living it. Even on the super hard days. When I feel sad, angry or despondent, I remember that I am here to drive better relationships. I am here to inspire others to be real - with themselves and those they do life with.  Even in my pain, there is purpose. When you find your purpose, be sure and use it as fuel. This week I was able to impact people with my talents in the midst of deep heartache. Last week was not different. Or the week before that. Focusing on my purpose makes this season less treacherous.

Know It's A Season

I've been saying that to myself for over a year now and I don't believe it any less. We cannot be down forever. I have no idea when my season will turn but I know it will. I have been on earth 44 years  and have seen my life in cycles and seasons since my mother's passing when I was 4 years old. I remember vividly great seasons and really desolate seasons throughout my life. This is no different. And while I have no idea when it will change and be a calm and peaceful season, I have faith that one day I will look back on this season and be better for it. Personally and professionally.


If you are like me, in the midst of a seemingly never ending tough season of life. Take heart.  Find something to be grateful for, focus on your purpose and be confident that it's a season that will indeed pass.

My Life As A Non-Conformist Began With A Prince Song

The immortal Prince in one of my favorite eras of his life.

Prince was the epitome of non-compliance and it was his music that inspired my non-compliant spirit starting at the age of 8. I used to sing "I Wanna Be Your Lover" at the top of lungs.  Most often signing with no recourse until my dad heard me one day and asked me if I knew what I was singing. At age 8, I clearly had no idea what "I wanna be the only one you come for, yeah" really meant.  My dad told me he did not want to hear me singing that "garbage" ever again, with little explanation why.  So I remember nodding and waiting until he went to work to scream the lyrics at the top of my lungs and dared our babysitter to stop me.  No matter what anyone said to me, I was listening to that song and all the others from that man with a one word name. And non-conformity has been a brand attribute of mine ever since. Here's the three reasons I will forever be grateful that Prince touched my life.

Rules As Suggestions

Prince was known to push the limits and saw rules and regulations as suggestions only. His life overall is a walking example of nonconformity but let's just focus on his music. Every time someone put a label on his music, he reinvented his sound. He even took the same music and made it cross every genre imaginable and some say he had his own genre altogether. Even the way he executed in the music business was unheard of. From being the youngest producer at Warner Bros at the age of 19 to changing his name to protect his copyrights to releasing music independently of a label long before the internet, Prince busted up every rule of the music industry and wrote his own. Clearly, there were some constraints thrust upon him throughout his music career but his ingenuity transcended each and every one.

His Own Brand Of Black

Prince is my perfect example of how to be Black. Stop for a minute and look at his style and the way he presented himself to the world. Seeing all the images of him the last 24 hours reminded me of how he literally lived his life as Black man like no other. At the time he entered the music scene, most Black artists had a look and sound that was familiar and  "trademarked Black." Enter this light skinned, petite bodied man from Minneapolis who busted the paradigm for what Black music was and what a Black artist could do. Then he elevated his story with his movie Purple Rain and told a different view of Black life that was not being told widely at that time. I cannot recall anyone ever questioning his Blackness. I mean, he began his 2007 Super Bowl performance in a do-rag.  But as a light skinned, gender bending, multiple genre rock star, he elevated what Black in America could be and pushed  and challenged traditional Black narratives daily. Until his death, he continued to drive issues that impacted Black lives all while living his own story of Blackness.

Clearly He Loved Himself

If there was ever a person who accepted himself fully, I have to believe it was Prince. The sheer courage to be who he was at all times was unprecedented. Again, the imagery we have witnessed across the almost 40 year career is a self-love display. Interview after interview, I've watched him talk about love as a centerpiece of life. His documented generosity to countless charities uplifting those without a voice. His political activism - both the subtle and outspoken - for decades against injustice. Love for others, especially marginalized people, only comes from a deep sense of acceptance and love of oneself. Prince lived his life fully and wholly accepting of who he was which made him a gracious and genuine lover of others.


As I reflect on my life- especially now during a particularly tough personal season - each and every one of those attributes of Prince have permeated my life as well. It only upon his passing that I realize how much he influenced those traits in me throughout my life. Prince lit the way for this non-compliant, fearless leader. Thank you. May you rest in Power.

My Journey To My New Normal - You Coming?

So anyone who has known me for any length of time knows I do my best to follow the simple instructions of that post-it at the top of this post. And that is why it's especially vexing to live in our Facebook fairytale world these days.

Take this past Sunday for instance.

Easter Sunday.

Resurrection Sunday.

Christians and even many non-Christians kept a string of happy pastel colored photos in my stream all day. No ill feelings for that. I am one of those folks is happy when people I love are happy. But I'm also one of those folks who feel sad and feel deeply when my people are sad. But it's a fine line these days for the extended tribe. Of course those who are close to me are intimately aware of what's happening. In my desire to live authentically, I don't struggle with sharing my current state of affairs openly and regularly. But in our social media highlights versus day-to-day living, it is tough to keep it real.

How do you express sadness without evoking pity in our Facebook era?

How do you keep it real about where you are without bumming everyone out?

Well right along with all those other things that Sunday was to masses, it had been a very special day to me in the past. Sunday March 27 marked what would have been the 15 anniversary of my marriage that crumbled under the weight of depression that swallowed up my partner of 15 years late last year.

Yep.

I am not hiding or hesitating to state that every chance I get.

I am sad.

I am mourning as are my two kids.

It's natural and normal to feel this way but it's whole 'nother thing to post about it. But I'm hoping to change that. There is dignity in opening mourning your losses. People learn how to love you when allow yourself to be broken before them. And we are broken.

But like the hope that is in the hearts of those who actually celebrate Easter and Resurrection - we all know that there can be no Sunday morning without a Friday afternoon. Trauma. Sadness. Death. All necessary to rise again. Well that space between the death and the resurrection is where we are living these days in my house. We are doing the best we can under the circumstances we have.

We could not get all dressed up take photos of our holiday happenings because it was all we could do to make our food and smile and be with each other this year. And when I finally looked at the calendar at the end of the day and saw that it was a day we used to celebrate with fervor, the sadness overcame me and I had to share it.

My relationship with reality is too solid to fake it for the masses. So we must endure these days and this pain to have our resurrection as a family in its new form. We are gonna talk about it and share it and hope that others will join us on our journey to our new normal.

Little Token, Big Value

The platinum band I bought myself Mother's Day 2000

Little token.

Big value.

16 years ago this coming Mother's Day when I was neither a wife, girlfriend, love interest and definitely not anyone's mother - I bought myself a platinum diamond ring.

I was a few months ahead of my self-imposed Spanish exile, planning and saving for my move to Spain set to commence that fall.

I remember vividly as I saw friends and family after that purchase some of the questions:

Who bought that for you?

Why are you wearing it on that finger?

What's up with that, Denise?

Wow, is there something you want to tell us?

I faced those questions with the same answer over and over.

I bought it for me.

Because I wanted it.

Because I'm worth it.

At that time, all my closest friends had married and were starting families. Most of my family had written me off as a career gal "who couldn't keep a man." And I'd started to doubt I'd ever find love.

I was 28 years old.

But then I saw that band. And it meant to world to me to gift it to myself. I had found love... me loving me. Me accepting me and where I was in life. I was about to embark on an adventure living in Europe - Spain to be exact if not then, when? Would I wait for a man to buy me a platinum diamond ring? With no prospects in sight - that seemed absurd. So I did it.

And almost 16 years later this ring does for me MORE than it did for me then. As I am transitioning from married woman to single woman, my finger was bare for a few months. It felt naked and weird after 15 years "belonging" in my marriage. Then I looked in my jewelry chest and pulled out this band.

I wear it today with much pride. I love me today WAY more than the me who bought this ring. I am even more confident of what I have to offer and who I am. And that purchase which at the time seemed bold and big - really speaks to me on my new journey of recalibration.


This little token has big value and is a reminder of the great woman I am even in the midst of great change.

My 28 year old self was wise enough to foreshadow what my 44 year old self needed.

Carly Fiorina Is the Poster Child for Sexism In America

The Carly Fiorina I Knew And Loved back in 2007

Now that Carly Fiorina has suspended her quest for the White House, I am compelled to let y'all know that until she ran for president, I was a huge fan. As a woman and ferocious leader, I followed Ms. Fiorina's career as she ascended in the tech field as it coincided with my own corporate journey. I ate up any and all stories of women defying corporate norms and Carly certainly fit the bill. I even had the blessing and pleasure to meet her at the Willowcreek Association's Global Leadership Summit over the years as she had participated after being on the faculty for the first time in 2007.

The fact that a women this brilliant has never had another shot at CEO at a Fortune 500 company tells us all we need to know about sexism in America. Again, I do not want to talk at all about her run for the GOP nomination for president. I just want to talk about how she got one shot at CEO and that's it.

That would never happen to a man. Surely, men fail at leadership at some point in their careers. The difference is they don't usually have to pay for it the rest of their lives. Since her forced resignation from HP in 2005, she has yet been given another chance to lead. Sure, she's battled and won a fight with cancer, buried a child and run unsuccessfully for the US Senate and President but she has not been offered another chance to lead a company and I find that very telling.

You may argue, "she wasn't very good"  or "She ran that company in the ground" and my response is so what. Many men do the same and get lots of chances to redeem themselves in new environments with different tools. The fact that this woman who led one of our country's most successful tech companies during a tremendous time of change and innovation in the sector has never been tapped again tells us all we need to know about how Corporate America treats its smart, fierce women leaders. And I know this first hand after a 19 year career there before I started my business.

We have to do better. The real reason Carly Fiorina has been lost in politics the last few years is because Corporate America gave her the collective finger after the HP debacle and won't allow her to move on beyond her mistakes. And she made many. But she deserved another chance. Her peers got 'em.

And while I think her journey took her places politically I can never support, I will staunchly defend her business record and say that she is a picture of what needs to change in Corporate America.

3 Reasons My Normally Beyonce Ambivalent Self Is Here For Her Today

Beyonce and her Black Panther Inspired Back Up Dancers at Super Bowl 50

This year's hangover from Super Bowl 50 has nothing to do with food or drink. America is hung over from the halftime show that starred Coldplay featuring Beyonce and Bruno Mars.

Specifically, the Beyonce performance coming on the coat tails of the new single and video, Formation, that she dropped Saturday on Super Bowl eve.

In her Michael Jackson inspired outfit and with her Black Panther inspired back up dancers, she made a statement that many are not feeling the day after. Former New York Mayor and Republican Presidential Candidate Rudy Guiliani led the Fox News onslaught Monday morning following numerous Twitter rants overnight. Many in my feed were on both sides of the battle lines - there was the pro-Bey folks who loved every second, every message and were spilling their love from the night before. There were also the folks who could not stand the very sight of her in yet another no pants performance.

What surprised me the most were the folks I know both Black and White who privately messaged me to inquire about my enthusiasm and support for Beyonce's Formation video and subsequent Super Bowl 50 performance. I cannot tell you how many text and private message conversations I had about Bey in the last few days. Because I am a woman of influence and inquiring minds want to know, let me give you the top 3 reasons I am here for Beyonce in her latest iteration:


The Business Savvy Mind of Beyonce Blows Me Away

I am not a Beyonce fan. Nor have I been a hater of Beyonce. I did not ever truly understand the hype but I've never actively talked against her. I may own one or two songs that were on Grammy compilations.  I have been ambivalent at best to the whole Beyonce mystique. But what I have observed over the last 36 months, from a Black business woman's perspective is pure magic. She has used her influence to change the way records, singles and videos are promoted and many have followed her lead. She's figured out how to have all of the WORLD talking about her for the last 48 hours and that will most certainly impact her bottom line when she does drop the album to accompany the Formation single. Her talents are many and even the liabilities she's turned into positives. She utilizes social media to build and drive her brand like no other and again, as an entrepreneur, I'm taking notes. Make no mistake. Using your Super Bowl cameo to drop the dates on your new world tour without a new album takes chops. Big ones.


Using Her Influence In Her Own Way

The number one point I was challenged on was,  would I want my daughter to follow the lyrics of her Formation song/video.  My answer to that is a flat out no. But not for the reasons you think. I say no because my daughter has many many things influencing her none of which are the experiences Beyonce describes in her song. I grew up with some exposure to those references and can relate to them to a certain degree but my daughter is not and that is ok. The second point was about the statements of the video and then the performance. Using imagery from the Katrina disaster. Black Panther back up dancers. REALLY? I see her referencing those things to keep focus on issues facing the Black community today. It has been a very exhausting time to be Black in America for a while. And with folks always commentating on Black celebrities and how they should or should not use their influence, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. She's damned because she did. And I don't agree. I am glad Beyonce is a Black woman in America with a choice for how she tells her story. Listen to the lyrics of Formation. She vividly recollects on a Black southern experience that has clearly impacted her and even as she's ascended to the upper echelons of our nation's wealth, she has not forgotten her roots and wanted to remind us. This weekend. On a world stage. No argument from me. Even if her story is very different from mine.

There is No One Black American Narrative

Do I love the blond braids and Red Lobster reference in her song? No. Hell no. It is not my experience as a Black woman. But I am not here to police the narrative she is pushing. "I am disgusted by what she pushes and it's everything that is wrong with Black America" was a quote in two different private discussions I've had in the last 48 hours. A quote. From Black people and White people I know and I had to reject it. Not because I don't agree. Believe me, I get their contempt. I am so very sensitive to "the narrative" and it does bother me some that we keep perpetuating many of the narratives that have hurt us. But again, that is not my call. Just as I am furious when people attempt to tell me I'm not "Black enough" or shit like "Black people don't eat candy corn," I do not and cannot do the same to other Black folks' narratives. So what if I can't related personally to many of the references that Beyonce speaks of - my military veteran aged (read older than most of my friends with their baby boomer/Black Panther influenced parents)  dad taught me so differently, Yeah, I do have hot sauce in my purse but that's about it.  Big hairy deal. Beyonce's Black is hers and mine is mine. Does it irk me that hers is more universally accepted than mine? HELL YEAH. Everyday. But I will not condemn nor criticize her for having a stage and using it to tell her story, her way. I do it every chance I get. And trust me, my stages are getting bigger by the day.


So I AM here for Beyonce in this moment. She's is using her business mind, her influence and her story to make waves and drive discussion. That is what I do every single day.

Deal with it.

3 Steps To Practicing Radical Self-Care

Tough to give what you don't have, practice radical self-care

Radical self-care is critical and should be at the top of your to-do list every day.

What is radical self-care? My definition is the unshakable, nonnegotiable regular care of oneself. This looks different from person to person but ultimately is rooted the belief that in order to love and care for others in our lives, we must, first, love and care for ourselves. Radically.

I already know there are many reading this whose eyes have rolled to the back of their heads and are barely hanging into this third paragraph, but stay with me. Yes, you've heard this before. No, it's not a joke. Many of you already know this but have struggled to implement any form of regular self-care in your life. You cringe in guilt at the very thought or you throw your hands up not believing you can ever find the time to do anything for just you. You can begin a journey to radical self care and there are three critical things you must do to initiate and create space in your life for radical self-care.

Start Small

In order to grow to radical self-care as I defined, you have do baby steps self-care first. It is indeed impossible to dive into "radical anything"  if you don't have the basics first. Add something that you alone enjoy to your calendar each week. It can be a phone date with a friend. Coffee at your favorite cafe alone. 20 minutes of reading time. We all get 10,080 minutes in every week we live, you can carve out 30 of those to yourself starting right away. And don't forget to add it to your calendar and you get bonus points for putting it on a shared calendar. One of the most important ways to keep the commitment is to write it down and make others in your life see it's importance.

Build On Your Start

Once you've gone 6 straight weeks of a small commitment, you must up the stakes in some way. Again, this is entirely up to you but it must a) be more than your initial step at self-care and b) be shared with an accountability partner.  Now, pick your partner wisely. Don't call your flaky sister or flimsy friend who won't remind you or will indulge your excuses for missing your self-care. You need to call the person you don't want to tell because that's precisely who you need to push you. Remember, we all get 365 days in a year, so taking one full day or more per month is not unreasonable. And especially if you are building that day or two onto 30 minutes of weekly self-care. It will not feel like a big leap nor will you feel any guilt. In order to keep the momentum, you have to build on the initial self-care routine which will set you up for what's next.

Go Big

Identify something big you want to do for yourself and do it. This could be an overnight stay alone in a hotel.  Or this could be a weekend trip with your girlfriends or a guys weekend in Atlantic City but it must be big and follow your building stage.  Once you do this once, it will get easier and you will get really good at finding ways to up your self-care game in between big self-care events.  The biggest bonus of going big, is when life throws you big curves, you can combat it with radical rest and respite. Without question, my habitual radical self-care has made my latest valley not seem so deep. I was also able to activate courage to raise my self-care game to the need in my life and I'll be enjoying a weekend away, just me, very soon to fuel me through a tough season.

Taking care of yourself well is not optional, it's imperative.

What will you do today to start your journey to radical self-care?